Jane stood in the late autumn sun and watched the girl with the raven black curls walk off towards the building. One last "Maaaa!" as she tried to get one last hug out of her girl was still ringing in her ears as a sad smiled curled up on her lips as she saw her daughter disappear into the building with her heavy bag slung around her shoulder.
Lucy had grown into a beautiful girl, bearing Janes tall and lean figure, her hair and her chocolate-colored eyes. And now she was big enough to barge into the world. Curious, open and eager to proof the adult she was thinking she had become, Lucy disappeared into the holy halls of wisdom.
Sometimes Jane couldn't believe how she had managed to raise the kid alone with a demanding job on her side. It's been years since she had left her family to go into witness protection. It still hurt to think about it. How Angela had to mourn her loss and would never meet her grandchild. But most of all it hurt to think about how she had had to leave behind the best friend she had ever had.
Maura, she mumbled the name, swallowing hard. She had lost Maura. There wasn't a single day in her life when she didn't think about her friend, wondering what she was doing today and how she had managed to cope with the loss of Jane.
It was like an open wound that never stopped hurting, no matter how much she drank or tried to focus on the good in her life. There was always sadness and pain. But at least she was alive. If she had stayed; Paddy Doyle would have found her and killed her. The outcome would have been the same Jane mused. And if she hadn't been pregnant, she would have stayed and fought.
Lucy was long gone, probably already unpacking her stuff in her dorm room, or making friends with other students Jane mused as she pushed herself off the car where she had been leaning and watching. It was time to go home. An empty home as she realized with fear. A lonely home.
Raising the kid had kept her busy over the years, had helped her to keep her thoughts at the back of the mind. Had kept her from drinking herself numb or losing it. But Lucy was at college now and Jane feared what the silence in her apartment would do to her.
She swallowed hard as she turned the key in the ignition when she spotted a familiar frame in the distance. As if thinking about her, had made Maura materialize in front of her windshield. She was getting out of the dark sedan and smiling at a man who left the car on the driver's side.
Despite not being a detective anymore Jane knew that they were a couple. Checking their hands, she noticed the matching rings as confirmation and her gut tight into a knot. Maybe im hallucinating she mused, trying to shake off this nightmare by shaking her head violently. But when she looked again, they were still there.
A girl was excitedly talking to the couple while the man produced one piece of luggage after the other out of the trunk. Jane watched Maura hold on to a duffle bag and when the doc turned her head into her direction, Jane almost got a heart attack, thinking that Maura had seen and recognized her. But the doc showed no sign and refocused on the girl that was looking a lot like her.
She was now talking to her daughter and the teenager rolled her eyes. Maura looked tired and a bit angry. Her husband seemed like wanting to smoothen the waves between mother and daughter, but Jane could see that he had no success when he shook his head in frustration.
Jane froze, realizing that Maura's daughter was going to be in the same dorm as Lucy. It was inevitable that they met. What if they befriended each other? She realized the problem and the knot in her gut tightened even more. She had gotten a false name when going into witness protection. Now she called herself Amanda Luca. But she hadn't changed her appearance. If Maura had looked just a bit closer, she would have probably recognized her.
Realizing that she should drive away as quick as possible she slightly pushed the gas pedal. Yet she couldn't bring herself to steer out of the lot. Maura looked to her direction again as she must have heard the roaring noise of her engine and Jane decided to speed off.
Her mind was racing as she drove down the streets to the highway which would lead her far from this place. If Maura had recognized her, she would probably think that she had mistaken her for someone else. But if the girls shared the same dorm, there was still a chance that they would meet each other.
I have to call the marshals. Jane thought bitterly, wondering how to explain to her wonderful daughter that she had to go to another college. Never once had she told her that they were in witness protection. There had never been the need to and Jane who had feared that this would only complicate things had evaded the topic.
While she was thinking about what to do, Maura's unhappy face appeared on her mind. Jane felt the old need to comfort her friend. And it hurt that she couldn't. It also hurt that she couldn't just call Maura to talk about her own pain.
There was no one like Maura and when going into witness protection she had lost her best friend. She bit her lips as she drove along the highway into the night. Vanishing into the dark again, into her own little world which consisted of a small flat and a job as IT-specialist.
Fear and pain turned into anger when she arrived at her hometown. She had lost everything to Paddy Doyle. Everything that had been important to her. Paddy Doyle had done what Casey hadn't been able to. Making her move and let everything behind. And one couldn't really say that Casey hadn't tried hard to make her his. Claiming her whenever he had been in town, dumping her like trash when leaving.
When she told him, that she was pregnant with his baby he told her to get rid of it. He didn't want to have a kid. But Jane wanted to have the baby. She hadn't even been able to say why. But the moment she had realized that there was this little thing growing in her body, she knew that she couldn't just get rid of it like Casey wanted. She had decided to keep it and raise it on her own.
And then there had been the undercover operation at the warehouse, where Dean had followed her and messed it up so that Jane had to shoot Paddy Doyle. Maura had been mad at her as fuck. And suddenly everything was a hurting mess. When Maura refused to talk to her, when they didn't make up and Jane had been put into witness protection to save her life. Maura and she hadn't been on good terms back then and Jane still wished that they would have been able to make up before disappearing forever.
She hoped though, that leaving in a fight could have helped Maura to cope with her loss. It seemed as if the entire world came crashing down on Jane when she walked into the empty apartment upon returning home that night. Especially after the dark memories from earlier.
She had been strong for Lucy, but now she was finally letting go, reaching for the bottle of whisky, not losing time on fetching a glass but drinking directly out of the bottle to force down the pain and anger that had built up in her throat. No one would be there to catch her fall.
Bitter tears streamed over her face as she thought of all the times Maura had barged into her apartment when she had had a bad day or any severe problems to keep her from drinking and how she had hated how the doc had made her talk about the pain. Taking a huge gulp, she steadied herself against the kitchen counter, glancing around the room.
She had managed to make a good life for her and her daughter. What for? She wondered as she noticed how tidy and clean everything was. Was she allowed to let herself finally drown in her pain now that Lucy was gone? No, because Lucy would still need her, and she had made a promise to her after birth to keep her safe forever. And to be there whenever she needed her mother for the entire life – as long as she could.
Jane huffed and put the cap back onto the bottle, putting it back into the cupboard. "I can do that. I'm not one who breaks promises." She mumbled to herself and decided for a shower when her phone rang.
"Hey Ma!" Lucies dark voice greeted her cheerfully. "Just wanted to see if you are home safe." Fresh tears sprung to her eyes, realizing that her daughter might have made the same promise along their way.
"Hey sweetie. Just walked into the apartment. I'm fine. How's life at college?" she forced herself to sound normal, to smile while tears were trickling down her face. The girl wasn't supposed to worry about her mother she thought while listening to the excited chatter, which sounded a bit too forced which made her heart break.
"I miss you." Jane said and Lucy said that she missed her too.
"You should go." Jane said with another attempted smile. "Don't waste your time on your old mother. You should meet people, enjoy this experience. I'm going to be fine." Was she? Jane bit her lips, grateful that Lucy took the hint that Jane needed time to adjust to the new situation and hung up after wishing her a relaxing evening and telling her not to worry.
After a long soothing shower Jane dressed into her comfortable sweatpants and an old BPD shirt which she had hidden in one of her drawers and settled with her laptop at the kitchen island. The unknown always bore the worst fear she thought, her hands hovering over the keyboard of her computer as she tried to find some deflection in working. But the thought about Maura was always clouding her mind.
She needed to find out she decided, slowly typing Maura's name into the search engine. For the first time in 17 years, she couldn't help but check for Maura Isles. They had been young when it all happened. Stars in law enforcement. Now they were almost 40. Jane wondered if their friendship would have made it anyways, as she waited for the results of her search while nervously nibbling on her thumb.
They probably wouldn't even have been able to patch up their friendship she mused as she scrolled through thousands of articles about the famous Dr. Isles. Jane forced herself to open the page on Wikipedia to read all about Maura's fancy career which hadn't stopped when getting her daughter Clementine. Jane's breath hitched. Maura had named her daughter after her? Was it possible?
After taking a deep breath she read on. Maura's husband was an aristocrat named Harold Frederik Johnson. He was a famous wall street broker came from a wealthy family. Jane thought bitterly how he and Maura matched because of their familiar backgrounds. Jane, the blue collared Italian woman was never in Maura's league and Jane wondered how they could have ever gotten friends. Sighing bitterly, she googled him as well. Going thoroughly through the pictures of the couple on various official events.
Jane felt the old jealousy raise in the pit of her stomach. The one she had always felt about the guys who got lucky enough to go on a date with Maura and closed the lid of her device. She resisted the urge to grab for the bottle of whisky again and went straight to bed. Years of missing Maura had taught her how to cope with the pain that came with missing her and she easily fell into the pattern.