Mr Zabini! Mr Za-!

The door to the office of the CEO of Malfoy Industries banged open as Blaise Zabini barged through in a whirl of scattered parchments and ineffectual secretaries, causing the occupant of the large desk to pause in his annotation of the large pile of documents spread out before him.

'I assume that there is some purpose to this interruption?'

Zabini shuddered, then took a seat on the edge of the desk, pushing files aside, and completely ignoring the comfortable chair facing the desk for precisely this purpose.

'Seriously, Drake? Must you channel Lucius so early in the morning?'

'You are aware that it's 11.21…?'

'Or Snape! You sound more and more like old bat-face each day…'

Malfoy sighed and pushed away from his work, rubbing the crease between his eyes.

'Blaise, when I gave you the job in HR, it was on the understanding that you use your evil powers to torment lowly applicants to the company, rather than me…'

'That's right!'

'So, aren't you supposed to be finding us a replacement janitor right now?

'Well, that's the point! The candidates have just completed the essay element, and I was just looking through them, so I can make a cut before they move on to the obstacle course, because, really, there's only capacity for fifty candidates on the nets…'

'Oh, sweet Merlin!'

'…and you've just got to read this one!'

Blaise excitedly brandished a sheaf of papers under his employer's nose, causing said employer to throw his quill at the Worlds' Most Irritating Employee TM (Said employer would also like it noted that the position of that apostrophe is entirely deliberate, as the employee in question is far too irritating for merely one world…)

'Blaise, will you please just fuck off? I have insane amounts of paperwork to get through before the merger meeting with Poppleton this afternoon; I'm certain the bastarding skinflint is going to try to shaft us somehow, and I just can't see where… You might not have noticed, but ever since Marcus got headhunted by Obama, I'm down an Executive Assistant here, and -'

'That's the point, you miserable bugger! Just read it!'

Malfoy reluctantly snatched the papers from the hands of his oldest friend and leaned back in his chair to read.

Why I want to work for Malfoy Industries

'You really are a sadist, you know…'

'Just shut up and read, you wanker!'

Why do I want to work for Malfoy Industries? I had thought that my completion of the twenty-six page application form, personal statement and covering letter would have made it perfectly clear why I wish to work for Malfoy Industries, but seeing as this application process seems to have tumbled down a rabbit hole into Wonderwhatthehelltheywerethinkingland, I shall once again reiterate my reasons for this application.

From the very first moment I entered this society, I dreamed of the moment that I would reach the pinnacle of my ambition; interviewing with 99 other candidates for the lofty role of janitor to the nephew of the Queen of the Fruit Loops.

'Ok, looks like they met Auntie Bella, so what?'

'Fine! You're not going to take this seriously; I'll read it to you! Give me that here!'

Some might suggest that I am applying for this role purely because I need to pay my rent, but how can the opportunity to eat on a regular basis compare with the opportunity to clean the floors that such mighty wizards might deign to walk upon?

I endeavoured from the very first to prove myself, to be the best, to gain my rightful place through hard work and effort. Ah, the naiveté!

It appears that good grades, hard work and defeating a dark wizard were simply not enough to compensate for my multiple crimes, to whit: being a woman, being possessed of 'opinions' and lastly but most definitely not least, being possessed of tainted blood.

'Granger? This is Granger?!'

As such, I now find myself black listed from all Ministry (and Ministry adjacent) work opportunities.

Sadly, having committed fully to this world at the tender age of eleven, I lack even the most basic of essential qualifications to enable me to 'Go Back Where [I] Came From', and am therefore in the enviable position of applying for this dazzling opportunity polishing doorknobs for the doorknobs in charge of the glamorous and shiny Malfoy Industries.

But what about your loving, muggle parents? I hear you cry.

My parents were obviously rather keen to see the back of me, (oh, we could fake it for the cameras, but did no one seriously ever question how easily I could spend vast swathes of the school holidays away from them?) even before I obliviated myself from their memories during the later stages of Wizarding War V.

Don't get me wrong; they asked that I do so. Couldn't wait for me to find a way to get rid of their freak daughter in a way that the neighbours couldn't comment on. It must just have been the trauma of the act of utterly obliterating my childhood that caused me to confuse their requested destination of Austria with Australia.

I'm quite sure that Mummy has conquered her morbid fear of spiders by now.

To conclude; I have faced every possible humiliation that life is able to throw at me, and now can wish for nothing more than to succeed in this somewhat deranged recruitment process and embrace my true destiny scrubbing toilets.

It's either that or go all Michael Douglas in Falling Down, and I'm not quite ready for that.

Yet.

Malfoy leaned back in his chair and released the breath he had been unconsciously holding. 'Wow.'

'I know, right?'

'Who would've thought; Granger? Bitter, sarcastic… unexpectedly ruthless.'

'Yeah. If it weren't such a nightmare filling out the HR complaints paperwork, I would be totally turned on right now…'

'Remind me why I haven't fired you yet?'

'Because I'm a genius.' Zabini leapt to his feet and performed a flourishing bow before dropping to both knees before his friend, proffering up the paperwork with both hands. 'My most dulcet and generous lord Malfoy, I present to you… your new Executive Assistant!'

'Granger?'

'She's perfect.'

'You'd better send her up then.'