This could only ever be dedicated to those who lost their beautiful lives the morning of April 15th 1912. The only reason that we are here, reading this, is because so many lives were lost. That it was tragic. It draws us in. Yes, the film is amazing but without the actual true tragedy, the film wouldn't even exist.
We find entertainment in characters created in the aftermath of such a terrible thing to happen. I watched a documentary last night which highlighted the number of children lost in the disaster and as a mother it truly killed me.
Some stories ended happily; with families reunited and others suffered until their eventual deaths even after surviving the night of the sinking.
I wrote this to highlight some of that. I am sorry if it gets graphic or upsetting. Writing this made me teary more than once thinking of the children, of their mothers and fathers and loved ones.
More than anything; I hope their deaths were never in vain and that the tragedy highlighted and changed sea regulations. I hope peace was found somewhere even if answers never were.
Never Let Me Go
Fear gripped upon her throat again. Curling its dark hand up around her pale skin, squeezing tighter. But it wasn't coming to claim her...it never did.
Death never came for her. But for him.
His name was upon her lips. Her vacant calls carried across endless glassy black sea. But there was never a response. He was gone. Taken. Stolen. A face so pale and blue that it was eerie. He had been with her. Close. She had loved him. She did love him. The source of the only happiness which she had felt in her short life. A man who had saved her life; a true hero in human form.
There was a light in the darkness, like a beam. A beacon. It was almost peaceful. The moonlight above had provided a beautiful illumination across the stillness. The stars shone for her...for them both. It was beautifully wicked; to gaze at such wonder above her, to bear witness to a gorgeous still night, one which claimed so much. Claimed lives. Claimed innocence. Claimed everything. Was God watching or did the heavens not exist anymore?
There was so much death. So much stillness. How were they alive just mere hours before? Now, they rested in the arms of the ocean. Lulled to sleep forever by the gentleness. Death had taken a gentle hand to their mouths and silenced their cries. Answering their prayers to take their souls now, before the pain grew too great. Breathing was painful; once expanding lungs were gripped by that clutching fist which wouldn't let go until their soul left them. Numbness. It was as though a body was disappearing along with all feeling, draining away before their life would be taken.
Children in their mothers' arms, cradled forever in their watery grave but now safe away from the cruelness of this world. Officers who had died during their duty. Immigrants who wanted that much better life for themselves, for their families. It was a sea of stillness now, replacing the hysteria of hyperthermia which had claimed most of them. How had each of them screamed, and shouted? How had they moaned with such shock, utter grief and terror? Children cried for their father, for their warm bed. Mothers for their children's safety. For the boats to return. Would they return? Why didn't they return?
Why did this happen?
Never let me go.
Never let me go.
She could still feel her devotion. Her spirit. Slipping under was not an option even though it was a heavy choice. It was breaking; thinking of the thousand miles beneath the sea where her head would be laid to rest forever. In the arms of the ocean. With him. A grave for them both to rest with each other; at least she would be with him...
Jack...
Jack...
Her voice carried over and into endless black. Too weak, far too weak. Was he asleep forever? His eyes were closed, fused shut. His hand heavy in her own. His lips blue. His hair tangled with ice. Still. Deathly still. It was peaceful. There was no need to pray, or a need to speak. It was a thousand miles to where the Titanic would lay beneath her, but surely, she would be joining them all soon. Devotion was rushing upon her, a sinner like her would not be rested until she was with him. Her love.
Jack...
She had finally found a place to rest her head. Beside a man who she loved. A man who risked his entire life for her; more than once. Now, he slept forever. Was it peaceful where he was?
Blinking through painful eyes, she saw the sea of bodies. Tranquillity fell over the world. The screams were long gone and replaced with the slow, steady rhythmic rocking of the water carrying them endlessly into their eternal life; wherever that may be. The bodies which bobbled about, now frozen beyond almost recognition were a graveyard of the ones who were once full of hope. Hope of a new life; of adventures. Of love. Of happiness. She had joined them. Though boarding the great ship had felt as though she had been led off her execution, eventually her melancholy had been chipped away.
Jack Dawson had entered her life. He had sucked her into a vessel of freedom. She had sinned; given herself to a man who she barely knew. Barely had known. But loved him. Endlessly.
Her voice crackled, shattering across the eternal sweetness of the empty world. The world had lost its glory. How could a brand-new story begin? How could this be repaired?
She had not said goodbye. Had she let him down? She had seen the end before it had begun and taking what was hers by eternal light, she had declared her undying love for him. Guilt seeped in, blinding her and confronting her with such a solid force it robbed her of breath, he had touched her life, her soul and changed her entire life. Her world. Their dreams were shared, quartered and promised; to their other.
He was a dreamer and when he awoke in God's arms; he would take her spirit. He had already taken everything else. As he moved on, into another higher life, would he remember her and all they had shared and were?
Jack...you have made me smile. You've seen me cry. You've held my body shaking with such trepid emotion with you. You'd have spent your life with me, like you promised me to do, not with another, but you. You'd be the father of my child. Children. My husband. My existence.
Suddenly waves whooshed, crashed, up against her wooden debris. It was rocking her; hard and fast. She clung on, for her life, for her fear.
Don't give up. Do not give in.
Clinging so tight that wood splintered her fingers. Blood spewed from open wounds as the waves continued to crash, not lapping upon her but simply drenching, twisting, taunting her.
Rose...
There was his voice.
It was warm, seeping heat into her bones, replacing the ice cold of the Atlantic waters. Fear froze her once more, but then she started to move. The storm rose up, swirling and suddenly, there was that beacon again.
Is there anybody alive out there? Can anyone hear me?
Y-yes.
There was no strength. Reaching upwards, ignoring the thunder crashing above, she was caught by a hand. It wrapped its fingers around her own, caressing like a lover would. It soothed. It risked its life for her. Lay down their life. Like she had rescued them, she would rescue them from the depths of hell. She would always.
The waves were ever higher but through it all; there was a guiding hand. A light. Her eyes wouldn't open. Couldn't. She travelled, on a journey, seemingly flying through a fantasy and a reality. Her body was shaking, trembling and then a hand was laid upon her chest. It was warm. It was against her bare skin...she was cold. And warm. And scared.
''Rose?''
The voice was frantic, worried and concerned but it remained wonderfully soft.
''J-Jack?''
There. She managed to speak. Her heart cried out for him. For Jack.
''Look at me.'' He urged. ''Look at me, darling.''
Darling...
Dry lips parted. And then, his lips sealed over hers. Stealing her breath from her lungs, causing her eyes to spring open. His tongue was caressing her own, his fingers threaded within her hair. Acting on impulse, she reached to his warm, bare shoulders and dug her nails into the flesh to gain some hold of reality. Green eyes focused, finding his blue in the dim light of the room. They flashed, warm; they were her safe place. Her home. Reacting to him, she pulled at his shoulders, clasping across his back; any way to become closer to him. The water which had gathered in the rim of her eyes spewed as soon as she closed them again, and he tasted the salt of them, kissing away the tears. His own gathered within, just as they had for seven nights. Seven cold nights.
''It is all right,'' his lips came down against her forehead, swatting away the sweat drenched hair. ''It will be all right now.''
Within his eyes, the fear matched her own. He was just as broken as she. Yet, he was strong; for her. When the shadows descended for him, invading his dreams and cruelly taking away any sense which they had come to; then she held onto him and refused to let go.
He had slept within her arms, his cheek to her bare breast just like a mother and child. She had clung to him, with such intensity that the emotion alone caused her to cry senselessly. Perhaps even needlessly.
They were nightmares...
Fuelled by the greatest tragedy one could ever live through.
''I couldn't feel my body.'' She whispered against his lips. ''I couldn't get there-''
He knew. He cradled her. Taking her face within his hands, and leaning across her body so that they were always pressed that close.
''You are here. We have each other.''
Jack's own hot tear trickled, landing upon her cheek and with a trembling hand, she reached to swipe it away. Pinned beneath his intense blue gaze, his terror matched her own. His trembling tortured him, also. His hand lifted to his chest and rubbed, as if to soothe a pain there. The way his gaze fell upon her face made her feel more beautiful than she could ever even imagine. Here she was, naked, with a man who wasn't her husband. She was innocent to the ways of the world, but she was willing to allow him to guide her. Willing to give himself to her. Willing to be his.
Reaching New York, stood shivering beneath the drizzling rain with her eyes upon Lady Liberty, Rose had felt some sense of freedom there, within her body. Guilt had slowly seeped in, clawing at her; how was she allowed live, with her love, whilst others had suffered such a fate? Why had she been the one to escape Society's clutches and gain a life away from the one she was used to.
She had taken his name without a hesitation. Rose Dawson. Rose Dewitt Bukater was gone.
Then, the nightmares had begun.
They had broken her. Bent her backwards. Invaded her sleep and her daydreams. Jack had grown tortured; they feared the same. Losing the other.
He had saved her life. Led her to safety. Allowed her to float on the one piece of debris left in the middle of the ocean. Kept her out of the water whilst he had submerged himself and ultimately waited for death to claim him. Death never came for either of them, it skirted past, making its presence ever known and now, recalling the moment that his weak response had come when she had informed him of the boats return, it still sank her stomach. Jack had kept his upper body out of the water, long enough to survive with a fever. Miracle. A miracle indeed. Even by a doctor's admission.
Rose had rolled from the debris, her muscles frozen and her body completely without feeling but as she had plunged herself into the freezing water in order to aid Jack, to push his entire body onto the debris so that she could call out for the attention of the boat, God must have smiled on her long enough to instil some strength into her; if she wasn't going to live herself, then damned if she would allow him to die, not now. Once Jack had been on the debris, he must have faded out but Rose had taken a whistle from a deceased officer's mouth and blew. And blew. Her eyes didn't leave Jack. And she didn't stop blowing until the boat arrived to retrieve him first, to wrap him in blankets and lay him in the bottom of the lifeboat so that he could rest, near her. Alive.
When he said that everything was all right through the quietest and faintest of voice; she in return had made herself a promise to ensure that he survived. That he would go on, with her. Together.
She would stay awake forever if she had to watch him.
If that's what it takes.
With every beat of her heart, until there was nothing else left to give.
Every second since that moment, she had not left his side. His sight. Through the wind, the rain and the fear, they had held onto the other as though their own life depended upon it. Silent promises were made. Promises would be fulfilled.
Jack pressed his lips to her ear, resting his cheek against her own. His weight upon her was welcoming, keeping them both warm and he would cherish her. He cherished her every night since arriving at the boarding house. His body melting against hers helped to chase away the pure terror of sleep. It helped to exorcise the demons, somehow. There would be no white flag put out to surrender.
Clutching the nape of his neck to her crook, she sobbed into his shoulders and her tears seeped into his hair, his skin and carried on until there was nothing left to cry out. Exhaustion would eventually set it, like it always did. Torture could only survive for so long before both of them would succumb to a peaceful sleep of some sort. After that, they would often smile, once or twice during the day. The journey had been etched into their skin. Bodies ached and collided with the other; finding comfort and solstice in each other. Time would tick by, perhaps even lessening the suffering and fetching a small amount of joy to the lives of those who had lost.
Then, it would be his turn to howl; afraid and alone as he cried out into the night with a deep and agonising groan would rattle within his chest. A storm descending into his dream and claiming his entire being slowly and it would be her turn to revive him. Taking his writhing body in her arms, and soothing away the terror with a warm explanation. When his heart cried out, he whispered her name. She reached out for him when the thunder crashed above and gave him the love that she had promised him the night they had laid within freezing waters. Standing like a rock, she became an anchor for him.
If that's what it takes.
A promise that they had made; that when fear rose up, they would take the other higher and rise above it all. Together.
Never let go...
Never let me go...
There was so much life left to live, with a fire burning still. The will to stand for every dream and solid ground was present. The fear instilled within her that she would drown, within her own dreams and never be pulled out was comprehendible.
''Hold me, and I will always come back to you.''
''I will never leave you, Rose.''
She had surrendered herself to him.
Then his mouth was on hers again. It caught her breathe, held her captive as she surrounded everything to him. His arms would never be enough. His hand stretched out while blue, hazy eyes burned into her skin. Shaking, his fingertips lightly traced across her neck, upwards to her cheeks and warmed her skin with his palm. Her chest was heaving on rough breaths, as he shoved himself to hover above her supporting his weight on his elbows. Then, his forehead landed upon her shoulder, his breath warm and hair cool against her neck. Grinding, anguished sounds emerged from his throat—the sounds of an animal gravely wounded. She turned in his arms. Needed him to hold her and pull her to him; skin to skin.
''It is over,'' she whispered against his neck, kissing his jaw and clutching his hair. ''It is over now. It cannot hurt us again.''
Jack's arms tightened around her and seized her to him, harshly.
''I want you to touch me,'' she murmured, stroking about his neck and his face. ''Like we are lovers. Like you love me.''
''Rose, I do.'' His hands came up to thread through her hair. He gathered up her curls and held them to his face to breath her in.
She was terrified to respond. For the last time she had told declared her own love; he had mistaken it for goodbye.
''Do you love me?''
''Yes,'' he rasped. His lips found her cheek, her forehead and he cupped her face.
Rose's sigh was nearly a sob as a warm rush of relief flooded in to replace the tensions which she had held at bay for days.
His hand shook as it stroked her hair.
''I would do anything to spare you pain, darling. Have it taken from you-"
"My scars are part of me. Just as yours are part of you." She braced herself and took his jaw between her hands. Then, she captured his gaze and gave him the truth. "I am not fragile. I am strong. I need you to believe that. I need you to make love to me as if you know that."
His eyes flashed silver. Went brilliant and hot. His lips parted as he mouthed her name. She ran the backs of her fingers over his cheek. "Make me yours, Jack, always.''
She wore nothing but moonlight. Curves he'd only ever seen covered by gowns except for when drawing her, until their first night in the city wove a sinuous spell. Made his head spin. Made him fall. Deeply. Madly.
He'd laid her out on the bed that first night, with their trembling bodies trying to take comfort only young lovers knew how to. Now, he laid beside her, looking his fill. He wanted to look forever. But there was too much touching to do. He looked at her; the strongest and most beautiful women he had ever known.
''You already are.''
He loved her. And she him. Until the dawn broke over a sleeping city and awakened the people with the smile of the sun for the first time in what felt like forever.
Forever.
And I am sorry if most of this was written and made no sense. I rambled and realised after so long it was pretty long. I never read through my stuff aside from spelling or grammar so if it makes no sense please tell me!