This is set right after Buck finds out the truth about Daniel and before the events of Buck Begins.
The title is borrowed from a song by Anthrax.
Buck's head is spinning. How could it not be after Maddie dropped that bomb of a family secret on him and decimated his life as he knew it?
Maddie had tried to explain but Buck hadn't been interested in hearing it. Hadn't been ready to hear it. Not then. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Halfway home he'd realized that the empty apartment waiting for him was the last place he wanted to go.
He doesn't remember ever consciously making the choice, but the next thing he knows, he's pulling into Eddie's driveway. And Eddie has somehow been expecting him because he's already waiting at the front door without a trace of surprise on his face when Buck shows up.
"Maddie texted me," explains Eddie as he tightly wraps Buck in a desperately needed hug.
Buck isn't sure how long they stand outside, but eventually Eddie leads him into the living room, where Christopher is already waiting on the couch. The three of them spend the rest of the afternoon there watching movies (Eddie and Christopher) or staring ahead blankly, lost in thought (Buck). The weight of Christopher in his lap and Eddie pressed tightly beside him with an arm slung across his shoulders are the only things holding him together right now. They are the only things stopping Buck from completely unraveling.
Eddie hasn't asked a single question yet, which is perfect because Buck's not answering any questions right now either. He doesn't have the slightest clue where he would begin, even if he had any answers to give. So he sits. And stares. And lets his boys anchor him.
It doesn't take long for Buck's phone to start lighting up with texts and missed calls from Maddie and Chimney. He knows he should answer to at least let them know he's safe. But they are also two of the last people he wants to talk to at the moment. He's pissed at Chimney for knowing and not saying anything to him, especially because Chimney knew how alone Buck had been feeling lately. He's furious at Maddie for putting Chimney in the impossible situation where he even had to keep a secret of this magnitude from Buck. And he's positively livid that his parents forced Maddie to keep Daniel a secret from him and that Maddie went along with it for his entire fucking life.
And if he's being honest with himself, he also resents his sister a little bit for getting to have memories of their parents before Daniel got sick and died. For getting to know what it was like to have parents who actually loved their children and weren't so caught up in their grief, even if it was only for a few years. He'll never get to have that.
Eddie apparently picks up on Buck's internal debate because he reaches over and gently takes the phone from Buck's hands and answers it for him. Buck should probably protest because this isn't Eddie's problem to deal with, but tonight it's just easier to let Eddie deal with Maddie and Chimney. So he doesn't even try to stop him.
"Hi Maddie. Yeah, he's here. Fuck no he's not okay, how are you even asking that?" There's a pause and Eddie tenses next to him, clearly angry about what Maddie is saying but trying to keep his cool when Christopher can clearly hear everything that's going on. The fact that Eddie isn't bothering to watch his language in front of Christopher speaks volumes.
"No, I'm not going to put him on the phone." Another pause. "Because if he wanted to talk, he would have answered himself. Give him some time, you owe him that. He's safe here with us and you're going to have to be okay with that right now."
Eddie doesn't wait for Maddie to say anything else before he ends the call and powers off the phone entirely and sets it aside. It's there for Buck when he wants it but no one can use it to get to him without his permission anymore.
"Thanks," whispers Buck, hoping Eddie can see the gratitude in his eyes because his words feel flat and emotionless and definitely don't convey the depth of his thanks. Buck will talk to Maddie and Chimney eventually when he's ready. But it is damn well going to be on his terms. Right now he's very appreciative that he has Eddie to act as his gatekeeper against invaders from the outside world.
"You guys hungry?" Eddie asks.
"Starving," replies Christopher eagerly.
Eddie smirks when Buck's stomach growls in response and Buck realizes that he can't remember the last time he ate anything. "I should eat," he agrees.
Eddie isn't gone long (if going into the next room can even be considered leaving). He comes back with sandwiches and drinks for all of them (a juice box for Christopher and beers for himself and Buck). Christopher shifts out of Buck's lap just enough so they can eat without elbowing each other.
"Thanks." Buck repeats.
The next time Eddie gets up he comes back with two more beers, a pair of sweatpants and his most worn in LAFD t-shirt that Buck loves (this one has been softened and stretched out from being washed so often that it actually fits Buck better than Eddie at this point).
"Slumber party?" Christopher asks hopefully.
"If you'll have me," agrees Buck, tousling Christopher's hair and accepting the offered clothing and shooting another grateful look toward Eddie. He still can't stand the thought of going back to his empty apartment.
"We'll always have you," says Eddie softly. "Time for you to get ready for bed too," adds Eddie, rousting Christopher off the couch. "Then we can watch one more movie and make it a real sleepover." Eddie gives Buck a conspiratorial wink over Christopher's head and Buck knows Eddie is mentally emphasizing the sleep part. It's a school night and one more movie will keep Christopher up way past his bedtime. Buck doesn't even want to think about how difficult Christopher will be to wake up for school tomorrow. He'd be an idiot not to know that Eddie is practically asking for a morning from Hell just for Buck's more immediate benefit tonight.
In no time at all, the three of them have brushed their teeth, changed into pajamas and are squashed together on the couch with Buck in the middle again. This time Eddie drapes a fuzzy blanket over all of them as well. It's cozy and comforting and exactly what Buck needs tonight. A temporary haven away from everything else in his life.
This time Buck actually pays attention to the movie instead of staring blankly at the screen. About midway through, he and Eddie notice that Christopher is practically asleep and fading more by the second.
"Bedtime?" Asks Buck softly, darting his eyes down toward Christopher.
"Way past it," agrees Eddie, getting up to start transitioning Christopher into his own bedroom despite the protests that always came at this point of the night.
"Say goodnight, Chris," murmurs Eddie, gently rousing his son.
"Goodnight, Buck. I love you," Christopher whispers. "I hope you feel better tomorrow."
"I love you too, Chris. Time with you always makes me feel better," mumbles Buck, hugging Christopher tightly before Eddie scoops him up to bring him to bed.
Bedtime is quick tonight and Eddie is back in the living room with Buck in less than ten minutes.
"He must be tired if you're done with the bedtime routine already," Buck points out.
"He practically kicked me out. Said he could put himself to bed and I should go take care of you instead." Eddie laughs and Buck can't help but smile at how kind Christopher always is. Especially now that he's on the receiving end of that kindness.
"You two already are taking care of me." Buck reaches his hand up for Eddie to take, who wastes no time at all lacing their fingers together and slotting himself back onto the couch behind Buck so he can pull Buck as close to him as possible. Eddie pulls the blanket around them again.
"We always will," Eddie promises, brushing a gentle kiss against Buck's forehead. "We've got your back."
"I know." Despite his world crumbling around him, Buck believes him. Eddie is one of the few people who's made that promise to him that he actually does believe. Buck tries (and fails) to stifle a yawn.
"We can go to bed, if you want," Eddie offers. Buck shakes his head and tucks himself closer to Eddie, curling his legs up underneath himself.
"I assume Maddie or Chim told you everything?"
"No. Maddie tried but I hung up on her," replies Eddie. "This is your story so you get to decide who knows what."
Tears of gratitude and relief well in Buck's eyes and a knot forms in the back of his throat. He tries to hold back the tears but he fails miserably. He's not completely alone. He's got someone in his corner through all of this. And that knowledge is entirely overwhelming after a lifetime of feeling like he didn't have anything or anyone permanent he could cling to. Eddie gently brushes his tears away.
And then the whole awful truth comes spilling out. Buck tells Eddie about Daniel and how sick he was and how nobody in the family was a match for a bone marrow transplant. He explains how his parents decided to have another baby to keep around for spare parts who could possibly save Daniel and how even though Buck was a match and Daniel had his transplant, that still wasn't enough to save him and he still died while Buck was too young to remember that he even existed.
"I've been competing against a ghost my whole life and I didn't even know it. I never even stood a chance. How could I when I didn't even know it was a competition? I was never even in the game." Buck's voice breaks and Eddie tightens his hold around Buck.
"It's not your fault that your parents failed you," Eddie tries to reassure him. Buck wants to believe Eddie's words, but he's not there just yet.
Buck tells Eddie about the day Maddie taught him to ride a bike and how he got hurt. He tells Eddie that that's the first memory he has of his parents actually paying attention to him. He explains how he never purposely tried to hurt himself but somewhere along the line he stopped listening to the voice in the back of his head telling him not to do something dangerous. What was the worst that could happen? He'd get hurt, yeah, but he'd also get his parents for a little while and that was worth the risk. It was everything he'd ever wanted as a kid. Maybe even as an adult, too.
"And then one day I got hurt and they were just pissed. I knew I couldn't stay there anymore so I left." He tells Eddie how Maddie agreed to go with him and he was going to get her away from Doug. He told him how his heart broke when he went to pick her up and all he got was a goodbye letter instead.
"When my leg got crushed by the firetruck I thought for sure that would be enough to get my parents to come out to LA and I could prove to them that I'd finally found something that I was good at and I was literally saving lives. How dumb was I to still keep hoping they'd show up long after I knew they wouldn't?" He doesn't even try to hide the bitterness in his voice.
"Fuck them," mutters Eddie. "It's not stupid to want your parents to do the absolute minimum expected."
"Hell, your family showed up for me more than my own parents did. Do you know how often your Abuela and Tía Pepa brought food or stopped by for a visit when you guys were all working just so I wouldn't be alone all day?" Buck will always appreciate everyone who looked out for him while he was recovering and working his way back to the 118, but every single time one of them showed up for him, it was a stark reminder of the fact that his parents didn't seem to care enough to do the same. All the love and support everyone showed him could never be enough to fill the void left by the absence of his parents.
But this is a secret he'll take to the grave. It's not something the 118 needs to know. He doesn't want them to ever think he doesn't appreciate everything they did for him or diminish how much it meant to him. It's not their fault he was holding out hope for the impossible.
"You wanna know the worst part?" Buck scoffs. "The part that fucking sucks? It's that my entire family was in on it. They had this whole Buckley inner circle and I wasn't enough of a Buckley to be invited in."
"That's on them," Eddie murmurs, stroking Buck's hair.
"Doesn't feel like it," Buck protests weakly.
"Maybe not right now," concedes Eddie. "But that doesn't mean I'm not going to remind you how loved you are. You are so much more than spare parts. You are the reason that Christopher is thriving here and you are the reason I didn't give in to my parents and go back to Texas when they wanted me to. You are my everything. And I will tell you that every chance I get if you need me to because I meant it when I said I had your back."
Buck inhales sharply and pushes himself up so he's eye to eye with Eddie now. He doesn't know what to say to that. Hell, he's not sure he could respond even if he had the words. It's completely overwhelming to hear a declaration like that from Eddie, especially when Eddie is looking at him like he is right now, with a soft smile and eyes crinkling at the corners.
"You're my family. You'd better get comfortable in the Diaz inner circle because we're not letting you go," Eddie continues, entirely unconcerned that Buck has practically forgotten how to speak right in front of him. Buck easily closes the short distance between them and does the only thing he can to make sure that Eddie knows just how appreciated his words are: Buck kisses him.
It must work because Eddie is smiling when he kisses Buck back.
Thanks for reading. Drop a review to let me know what you think.
Originally posted on AO3