A/N: Look after yourselves - this is really heavy on the loss/grief theme so if that's a trigger don't read. 3
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It was like the world - his whole world - had stopped, in the space of a paragraph.
And so when his feet simply followed the example set by the rest of the world, it didn't stand out as a problem to his frozen brain.
The problem only arose when James stared down at the words on the paper before him, trying to take in the hastily scribbled words.
...severe case of Dragonpox...
Bodies slammed into his back. Hands forced him forward. His legs were jelly.
He fell forwards onto all fours, the letter crumpling on impact.
The noise in the corridor increased - a loud buzzing.
More hands, helping him to sit up this time.
Helping. That's all they had ever done.
James pushed the hands-off, before scrambling to his feet and stumbling off down the corridor.
He didn't know what he looked like - not that he really cared. Not that anyone would care anymore. The people who did care, who had loved him so much, almost too much, were gone.
...did not make it…
He was alone. Surrounded by people, but utterly alone.
A cold understanding crept through him the further through the slowly-emptying corridors he got. He didn't have a destination in mind, he just had to keep moving.
His life was fragmenting before his eyes.
The years before Hogwarts, content in the warmth of the knowledge that his parents would always love him. That there was nothing he could do that would stop them from loving him.
He'd taken them for granted. And now they weren't here.
He'd just swanned off to Hogwarts, no thought of what he was leaving behind. Of what wouldn't always be there. That now wasn't there. He'd taken it for granted.
For the first time in his life, James Potter hated himself.
Hard stone-steps rose before him so he climbed with no thought of where he was going. The burn in his thighs, and the need to get to the top drowning out some of his thoughts.
But as he staggered through the door at the top and looked out over the Scottish Highlands, one thought forced its way to the front of his head.
The world was grey. All the colour sucked out with the words of one letter. It made sense. How could the world be full of bright colours and movement when all life had departed with his parents?
...did not make it…
The words echoed around the inside of his head, bouncing from corner to corner until it was deafening.
He slipped down the wall, legs unable to support him any longer.
James didn't know for how long he sat there, back pressed against the ramparts of the Astronomy Tower, knees drawn up to his chest. The only thing preventing him from assuming time had also departed the world was the movement of the sun across the sky - and eventually, the appearance of Lily.
It was odd. He was so used to the bright, vivid red of her hair, the piercing green of her eyes. Both seemed dull, despite the sunlight that bathed the tower.
James didn't know what the emotion was on her face. He almost didn't care. But it was Lily - he always cared.
She sat down beside him, her brow furrowed and her eyes wide. Her hand rested gently upon his knee.
She didn't say anything - for which he was grateful. Nothing was going to make this better - especially not mindless platitudes about how everything would be okay. Everything was most certainly not okay - and he seriously doubted it ever would be again.
He offered her the crumpled letter before looking away. He couldn't watch the expression on her face turn to pity as she put together that his parents were… gone.
Aside from the quiet gasp James assumed meant that she now knew, Lily didn't say anything at all. Instead, she shuffled closer, so she was sitting beside him, and rested her head on his shoulder.
For a while they sat in silence. James didn't know how long - and couldn't bring himself to check. He knew that they had almost certainly missed classes, but the responsibility of going to classes seemed distant - like it belonged to another person entirely. It was a normal task, and nothing normal applied anymore.
The walls of his world were crumbling. The windows were cracking - their glass falling onto the shattered flagstones that made up the heaving floor. The sky was split with huge bolts of lightning that set fire to everything - leaving nothing in their wake.
He was both numb and yet brimming with energy - a huge scream bottled up inside.
"I should never have gone to Hogwarts."
Lily took his hand. "You couldn't have prevented this, Jamie."
James shook his head.
"No, but I could've spent more time with them, instead of pissing off to Hogwarts and leaving them all alone, wasting the time they had left," he breathed in, his chest impossibly tight with the weight of his guilt. "I should've spent more time with them. Not wasted it on stupid shit."
When the tears started, he couldn't stop them.
A soft, cream handkerchief, monogrammed with an 'L' was pushed into his hands.
"I took them for granted, Lils." He sobbed. "And now they're gone."
He felt Lily shift beside him, a pale hand coming up to cup his face and turn it towards her.
Her eyes were kind.
"They wanted you to live your life, Jamie. And from what I know of you, that's definitely something you've done. I know what I have to say doesn't matter much-"
James protested loudly but Lily ignored him - squeezing his hand lightly.
"-because you knew them best - but from what I saw over the summer, James, they were so proud of you. They were happy with who you are - and your approach to life. Would you agree?"
Reluctantly, James nodded.
"And would you also agree that maybe their opinion on how their son treated them matters most?"
James groaned.
"They were so forgiving of my faults though, Lily. Would they even have said anything if they didn't approve of it?"
Lily smiled sadly at him, "From what I know of your mum, Jamie, she didn't hold back in telling you what she thought."
James nodded. It was true. His mum had never held back when she had an opinion.
Lily ran a hand through his hair, her fingernails scratching lightly at his scalp.
"So why would she not tell you she wasn't happy with how you treated them?"
James sighed, "She wouldn't."
"From my perspective, James, you looked like three people who loved each other more than anything: a family."
A fresh wave of tears ran down his face. What she was describing was exactly how it had felt. And it was all gone.
Lily wrapped both arms around him (as much as was possible in their current arrangement) and held him.
Maybe he wasn't completely alone.
...identify their bodies at your earliest convenience...
A fresh wave of dread and hopelessness filled him.
Lily frowned.
"What is it?"
"They want me to go and identify them as soon as possible."
Her eyes narrowed.
"Well they can go and fuck themselves - pardon my French," she said before the intensity in her eyes was replaced by a softness that was so Lily. "There's no rush, Jamie. You don't have to go today - or at all, if you don't want to."
James shook his head stubbornly. He needed to see them - to know for sure - see for himself that it was true.
Biting her lip, Lily nodded.
"What about Sirius and the boys?"
James felt as dazed as he had that time he'd been clocked round the head with a frying pan.
How could he have forgotten Sirius? His brother in all but name and blood. The one person who loved his parents just as much as he did. Sirius, who ran away from one pair of shitty parents at 16, only to be adopted by a pair who actually loved him for who he was. A couple who were now dead.
He was going to be devistated.
It was somewhat easier to focus now. The notion of helping someone in a worse position than himself making it necessary to think beyond his own pain.
"We have to find him."
Lily nodded, "Now?"
James looked at her, unsure. Despite his determination and newfound ability to push through his pain for Sirius's sake, James could still feel the grief pushing at the edges of his thoughts. He shouldn't have to be making these decisions - he was only 18 for Merlins sake. But if he didn't make them who would?
Sirius was likely to already know something was up - they'd definitely missed Charms - if not also Transfiguration. The proximity in time to NEWT's ment that they wouldn't just be bunking off for the hell of it - especially not as Lily was with him.
James didn't think he could lie to Sirius about this. He didn't want to lie. But then he didn't want to see the look on Sirius's face when James told him the news.
James sighed - Sirius was going to have to find out at some point, it might as well be now. And if he had to find a bright side in this; at least they had each other.