Hi, so quick notes! I haven't been into Marvel that long, so I hope everyone isn't written too out of character. As a side note, Bucky and Sam currently live together because they're working on missions together. Steve is also alive, obviously.
Title comes from "the 1" by Taylor Swift.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate you. Comments always mean the world.
When Bucky woke up, he insisted they go see Steve.
Normally, Sam didn't take issue with that kind of request. It definitely wasn't the first morning his partner shot up, whispering their friend's name like a plea. The trips were never convenient, but he understood the importance of them. When it came to Bucky, Sam questioned a lot, but his strong relationship with Steve Rogers wasn't disputable.
Only, something was different this time. Usually, Bucky tried to shelter how he was feeling, but Sam could feel his rage. It was so strong that he almost thought he was the angry one. Frustration wasn't exactly uncommon for the ex-soldier, but it was rarely geared towards Steve.
"Are you up for it?" Sam questioned softly, no malice behind his words. It was just an honest question. Bucky was capable of taking a lot on – more than most – but everyone had their breaking point. Sam didn't want to push him towards it.
Bucky stopped moving, turning his head and staring at him with annoyance in his eyes. He opened his mouth, ready to spit fire, but nothing ever came out. Instead, he huffed and went back to searching through his bag.
Sam's choices fell from many to two: stay behind or follow Bucky. The only feasible option was the latter. It wasn't that Sam didn't trust him – because at this point, he did – but he didn't know how things were going to play out. If in the end, Bucky needed someone, Sam wanted to be there for him. They were friends, and the ex-soldier spent enough time struggling through his problems alone.
Within a few hours, the two of them found themselves in front of Steve's door. Bucky still hadn't said a word, but his anger hadn't diminished. If anything, it grew.
Briefly, Sam let his hand rest on the other's shoulder. A reminder to him that they were in this together.
Buck allowed a shaky breath to pass his lips before he lifted his hand, energy flooding into his fingers as he knocked. Sam was sure he was going to bust through the wood, but the injury never came.
His mind was clouded, but Bucky was still able to show restraint. It was so different from how he used to be. Sam wondered if he even realized that.
Just as Bucky retracted his hand, the man of the hour came into view.
If things were just slightly different, Sam would've been happy to see him. After he decided to live out his life with Peggy, their conversations dwindled to almost nothing. Considering their timeline, he always figured Steve and Bucky remained close, but Sam wasn't so sure about that now.
Steve didn't seem to be taken back by Bucky's obvious frustration. It was almost like he'd been waiting for it. Unsure of what was going on between them, Sam shifted his attention back to his partner.
Bucky was waiting for a reaction. When he realized it wasn't coming, something clicked. Sam swore he could see water pooling in his eyes as he suddenly reached his arms out, using them to push Steve back into his apartment.
"Buck—" Sam warned, but the ex-soldier didn't acknowledge him. He was already moving towards Steve again, both hands now curled into tight fists.
As Sam followed them in, he prayed he wouldn't have to intervene. The last thing he wanted to do was break up a fight involving two of his closest friends. If it came down to it, he doubted he'd be able to pick a side. He cared too much about both of them.
Bucky shoved Steve back, sending him crashing into the back wall. Despite his age, he easily could've held his ground, but he chose not to. If Bucky was looking for a fair fight, he wasn't going to find one. Steve was clearly going to let him do whatever he wanted, no matter what that led to.
It was such a Steve Rogers thing to do.
For a moment, nobody moved. Sam remained by the door, ready to step in if necessary. Steve was still by the wall, his concerned gaze glued to Bucky. Bucky was standing in the middle of the room, breathing heavily and not looking at either of them.
In the end, Buck was the one who interrupted the temporary peace. "You left us." To Sam, it sounded a lot like you left me.
Bucky took a few steps forward, his right hand moving to point accusingly at Steve. "You promised you'd be there every step of the way, and you left!"
Oh. Oh.
Sam wished he would've put the pieces together sooner, but he wasn't Steve. Steve was the only person left who completely understood Bucky. How else could his lack of surprise be explained? He was probably aware of Bucky's feelings before Bucky was.
"Buck—" Steve finally broke his silence, taking a step forward. Bucky immediately took one back, shaking his head in disbelief. An odd feeling settled in Sam's chest. He couldn't decide if it was sadness or disappointment.
"No! I—" Bucky held his hand out, silently asking for a pause. Putting his thoughts together in a coherent way was a recurring challenge for him. Sam knew to be patient and so did Steve.
With another shaky breath, Buck's demeanor changed. Instead of irrepressible fury, Sam saw… grief. He was carrying the face of someone who lost everything important. In all his time of knowing him, Sam had never seen Bucky's pain so apparent.
It made complete sense that Steve was the one capable of bringing it out.
Unlike before, Bucky's words weren't anywhere near explosive. "I loved you," he whispered, jabbing his finger forward again. "I loved you… Why wasn't that enough?"
A small part of Sam was desperate to step between them. He wanted to protect his partner from the thing that was hurting him, but this was just an aftershock. The damage was already done. There was nothing to shield him from.
The apartment took on a new degree of silence. All of them were stuck inside their heads, going over the same facts and surely drawing similar conclusions.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Steve suddenly probed. It was doubtfully meant to be judgmental, but it came off that way.
Out of everything Steve could've said, he picked one of the worst options. Even Sam, who mostly stayed out of their relationship, could come up with a thousand reasons why Buck didn't say anything. On top of that, he knew Steve wasn't trying to shift the blame, but it still sounded like he was.
Bucky stood up a bit straighter, then took another step towards the door. Instead of fighting the threat, he was attempting to retreat. If it was the right time, Sam would've expressed just how proud he was.
"You know the answer," Buck responded, his voice clipped.
When they stormed to Steve's apartment, Sam was hoping Buck would leave feeling better. He was an asshole sometimes – okay, most times – but his heart was bigger than his chest. Steve broke his promise months ago, but Bucky was still defending his legacy with everything he had. If anyone deserved a bit of peace, it was his partner.
They weren't gone yet, but Sam had a feeling Bucky would only feel worse once they walked away. It left Sam bitter.
Steve didn't push any further. "I'm sorry, Buck. I just knew you'd be okay, and I needed…"
"Needed what?" Buck rushed out. Whatever Steve added in would undoubtedly make it worse, but he was running towards the answer anyway. Sam couldn't figure out if it was because he felt worthy of the pain or if he just needed the truth. Maybe it was a bit of both.
They waited, but Steve didn't answer. "Needed what?" Bucky rose his voice, even though it trembled.
Steve made sure to avoid both of their gazes. "Stability." He spoke quietly, already guilt-ridden over the destruction he knew his answer would cause.
The punch wasn't aimed at him, but Sam felt it. He held back a wince, momentarily shutting his eyes and turning his head to the side. His hesitation had turned out to be well-justified.
Sam's sympathy was entirely focused on Bucky, but he could see both sides. Of course, after years of fighting, Steve wanted stability. It was something everyone looked for. Given Bucky's… circumstances, it might've been difficult to find that with him.
Only, Steve hadn't given him a chance. He'd used promises to guide Bucky in the right direction, then left once he started getting better. Sam didn't want to call it selfish, but what was he supposed to do if the shoe fit? Bucky was capable of healing on his own – he was more than strong enough – but he was led to believe Steve would be there.
And maybe Steve and Bucky loved each other differently, but did that really make a difference? Buck wasn't standing in the older man's apartment, upset over a relationship that could've been. His grief was spilling over because his best friend was okay with leaving him behind.
Buck sniffled, causing Sam to look back over. "Thought I'd be okay," he murmured. A fucked-up smile lifted Buck's cheeks, his eyes staring straight into Steve's. "But you know me. Even after everything, you know me. I was never just… going to be okay, and there's no way you didn't know that."
Before Steve could say anything else, Bucky changed directions and walked straight out of the apartment. He didn't pay Sam any attention, but Sam was pretty sure Bucky forgot they even came together.
With a small sigh, Sam glanced towards Steve. He looked ashamed, but not sorry. Much like Buck, he needed to get everything off his chest.
Sam went to leave, but Steve's voice stopped him. "I love him too," he admitted, barely audible. "I always will."
Present tense. Bucky had spoken in the past tense.
If one thing had been different, their futures might've remained intertwined.
"So why didn't you tell him that?" Sam countered. He was taken back by the slight bite in his tone. Why hadn't he told Buck before he rushed out? More importantly, why hadn't he before he went after Peggy?
Steve's gaze hit the ground. Knowing who needed him and who didn't, Sam tapped his hand against the doorframe, then walked out.
Given his training, Bucky should've been tough to find. Sam found him in minutes. He was standing at the end of a hallway three floors up, stressed eyes staring at the dingy carpet.
"You alright?" Sam asked as he approached him. The moment his partner looked up, he knew the answer. Bucky made sure to keep his unshed tears at bay, but his expression showed just how close he was to losing it.
Steve had so much power over him. It used to be a good thing – it allowed Bucky to find himself again – but now it was the reason for his misery.
"Can I hug you?" They offered each other short touches all the time – a symbol of their solidarity – but a hug was something more. Sam wouldn't take that step without Bucky's permission. He'd spent far too much time not having control of what people did to him.
Confusion fell into the mix of feelings Bucky was broadcasting, but he slowly nodded. He sniffled again as Sam strode forward, gently wrapping his arms around him.
To his surprise (and dismay), Bucky held onto him like he was the only thing keeping him afloat.
"It's going to be okay, Buck." It would be. It had to be. Sam wouldn't let him sink. They were partners, and partners took care of each other.
"Yeah, I know," Bucky whispered, not completely believing his own words. Without thinking, Sam shifted one of his hands, bringing it to the back of Buck's head. When he was younger, it was how he calmed his sister down whenever she was upset.
Buck flinched, but then he tightened his grip and a small choked-off sound escaped him. Sam didn't say a word. He just stood there, holding onto his distraught partner who deserved so much more.