Summary: Reading Hikigaya Hachiman is an art.
Characters: Shinomiya Kaguya, minor Hikigaya Hachiman, minor Hayasaka Ai
Rating: K
Tags: romance, slice of life, relationships, friendships, perspective, retrospective minor drama
Disclaimer: Characters are property of Watari Wataru, ponkan8, and Akasaka Aka.
Hikigaya Hachiman is not a pleasant looking man. This, Shinomiya Kaguya knows. Hikigaya Hachiman is also not a pleasant man. This, Shinomiya Kaguya knows as well. Hikigaya Hachiman, however, is a pleasant surprise. This, Shinomiya Kaguya hadn't known about, until he stepped into her life.
His footsteps tread deeper and deeper into the murky waters that is Shuuchi'in Academy and with each one, Shinomiya Kaguya sees he is more than he wants to be but less than he pretends to be. Confidence is a skin that he wears like a child does a smile. It's amazing to her, really. He's so nonchalant and yet whenever he spares more than a glance, spares any amount of real commitment, she knows that he has no doubts in his walk. It's cute, she thinks. Especially because sometimes, his actions border on arrogance only for the ruse to fall flat.
The memory never fails to make her smile.
"Shinomiya!" She doesn't even bother to turn around. "Shinomiya," the voice repeats. She continues walking, ignoring it. "Shinomiya!" After the third time, she stops and turns, barely aware of the person who is calling her.
Oh, she thinks disinterestedly. It's the commoner. He was one of two final selections set for Shuuchi'in and had just barely been put forward as the frontrunner of the two. Hikigaya Hachiman, she recalls. Her smile is plastic as it melts onto her face. "How can I help you?"
"I'm going to tear you down from your ivory tower." His voice catches her ear but his words catch her heart. She bites back a hiss and holds back an even greater laughter. His voice turns harsh and she realizes that he knows. That he sees. "Just you watch; I'll show you, and everyone else here, that you guys aren't infallible. This paradise is only lost; I'll be the one to make sure it's regained. And I'll blow past all of you as I do so. I just thought that, as a gentleman, I should give a lady like you fair warning."
Speaking of smiles, she has come to know how bittersweet a feeling it is to give them away. They are symbolic as much as they are hollow; people read into them and what they might mean. And then they drop all their pretenses to pick up new ones that make very little sense to her.
She doesn't understand how everyone else at Shuuchi'in doesn't see what she does. It's really not all that hard a realization. But then again, she thinks, people see what they want to.
Perhaps it's because they only see the poverty in his wear or the stress along his face; or it might be the fact that he's not handsomely corrected through 'proper' genetics or surgery. It might be a number of those things altogether, really. He looks like a monster and acts like a human.
Especially when that smile comes to the fore.
(She thinks it's his most beautiful feature.)
It pains her to think that after all her years of perfection, the one thing that she so badly wants is one she can never have. He is a blight upon Shuuchi'in and high society; he is a terror who shouldn't exist among them. But he does. All while wielding a wit and laugh that grates on those he undermines and exceeds. There is a glimmer of hope, once, in the coldness she calls a heart.
"Hello there."
He blinks and says nothing at first, instead opting to study the smiling blonde. "Who are you?"
She gasps, a look of hurt flashing across her face as the lightest of flushes dawn on her cheeks. "You don't recognize me? We're in the same class. I'm Hayasaka Ai."
The dryness of his voice does not change. "That does little to or for me, but I suppose I should say thank you for introducing yourself. I can only presume you know who I am, so, I'll get right to the point: what do you want?"
"Nothing much. I just heard that you were good at studying. You see, I'm not doing so hot right now."
He couldn't help the snort. "I'll bet. But I doubt you need help from me; all of you kids here have advantages. So use them."
She smirks and seats herself across from him, aware that her employer is watching. "That's what I'm doing right now."
Hikigaya blinks again, runs his eyes up and down, scrutinizing her again. And then he laughs. "Alright."
Eventually, the relationship between Hayasaka Ai and Shinomiya Kaguya becomes no secret to Hikigaya Hachiman. She is afraid of what he might say. But he does not comment on it other than a small "Oh," and a smile that tells the two girls that he is not at all surprised. Nor does he mind it. He takes it in stride and within a week's time, becomes accustomed to it. And then he begins to spend more time with Hayasaka; time which transitions their status from individuals into a single unit.
It takes her a staggering whole month to assess the situation for what it actually is. She bleeds immediately. The destruction is imminently overpowering and nothing shields Kaguya from taking the brunt of the damage; her guard, her aegis, is instead the dagger that strikes true.
She wonders where it all went wrong. But further analysis tells her that it hadn't. This had started as a test to understand Hikigaya Hachiman's challenge to Shinomiya Kaguya; it became a game to keep him on his toes. It was just something that Hayasaka could do and was willing to, gladly; it was a challenge to sate her boredom and one to test her own limits. But Kaguya had been careless. She forgot that love truly is a battlefield. Not for those soft of heart or tender to the touch; both of which Shinomiya Kaguya is surprised to find she is. Love is an unexpected acid that corrodes from the inside out, one whose influences can lay undetected, at times a subtle poison. And the price to pay for her laxness is the current result.
Had she said a word to Hayasaka, she has no doubts that the loyal girl would have abided by her master's wishes. Had she even shown but a hint of anything more than amusement, Hayasaka would have knelt gladly and let Shinomiya Kaguya claim her prize. But she did none of those things and instead now watches Hayasaka Ai and Hikigaya Hachiman half from a distance and half up close.
The thought of the two together crushes her. Breaks her. Shatters her. But it does not terrify her. Kaguya is a Shinomiya and those of Shinomiya heritage hold themselves in the highest prestige, unmoved by the platitudes of hormones and lust and a fake love that most certainly will fade over time. Besides, it's only fair because she's a Shinomiya; the trade between being herself and being someone else who has Hikigaya Hachiman is not even close. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose.
At least, that's what she tells herself. No matter how much she hates it, the truth is that it stings. Even beneath the sheets called a glacial heart, buried deep is a small kindled gem whose flame burns delicately like embers. And every sighting of the pair smothers it a bit further.
It's fine. The mantra becomes her breaking point as she desperately holds onto her faculties. Time might be the healer of all wounds but a fast worker the Father is not, Kaguya thinks. She supposes that she should be happy that Hikigaya Hachiman is happy. She isn't. Every glance at the two whose fingers fing their way into being interlocked widens the crevice a hair further until she's not sure how wide the canyon goes. The wound deepens when she realizes how special Hikigaya Hachiman actually is.
"Hey." She leans in to give him a peck on the cheek and laughs at the way he still flushes.
"Hey yourself," he mumbles. A small grin works its way onto his face as he pulls her in for a hug, ignoring her yelp as he playfully teases her. She pouts up at him and he laughs this time.
Kaguya thinks it is a wonderful sound. But she is conflicted; her pride hates the fact that she is not the reason for it, and her sense of self-loathing springs to the fore because no Shinomiya should be jealous. No, she tells herself. A friend should not be envious of their friend's good fortune.
But she is only human.
There is a moment between the two lovers and Shinomiya Kaguya can feel the space between them disappearing so that the two are about to enter into their own world. She loathes whenever they are like this. Something in her calls her to turn away; her pride forces her to face them head on and to break the scene before her. She coughs. "Shall I leave you two alone then..?"
Hikigaya apologizes but does not let his partner wiggle out of his grasp as he holds her hand tightly. "Sorry, Shinomiya. Let's go; you have that concert in forty minutes, right? What are you performing this time; Bach?"
It gets worse when she leaves high school because for some reason, feelings like this don't come and go for her in spite of the fact they have no reason to stay. Two years is enough time, she argues internally. Except, it just quite isn't. The progress is slow and steady, much like the relationship between Hikigaya and Hayasaka. Probably because, somehow, thanks to his proximity to her servant, Hikigaya Hachiman becomes melded into her life and Shinomiya Kaguya starts to forget about the years before him. Even as she looks into her morning mirror and tells that girl to forget him.
The realization that she has a second friend, a second best friend, flummoxes her. It is not shocking so much as it is breathtaking and she sinks into her thoughts as she analyzes what Hikigaya Hachiman is to Shinomiya Kaguya. He fits like a glove and balances out Hayasaka, especially whenever she gets on Kaguya's nerves. He manages to redirect the attention towards himself, both positively and negatively. He's smart enough to be on par with the two of them but when he puts his pen to paper and his brain to work, it's evident that he's a whole different beast and even pushes the two of them to better themselves. Hikigaya hides himself with them, totally at ease with their level of privacy, and never makes any complaints about what they have to do, though he jests about the things he wishes he could do.
Really, it's the small things in life that make Hikigaya Hachiman seem to come alive. He likes his coffee overly sweet and has this silly, but funny, phrase: "Life is bitter so coffee, at least, should be sweet." Or the way his eyes light up every time a new chapter of his favorite manga comes out; even the way his stoic face slides into different moods of indifference and aloofness. Sometimes, he likes to lean back into his chairs and doze off; he stashes extra pillows around his apartment just in case he starts feeling sleepy. He takes an obscene amount of pictures of his cat, Kamakura, and occasionally brings him to classes.
All of these things are minute and they don't mean much in the grand scheme of the world; they barely amount to much in the byplay of their budding, busy lives in the prime of their youth. Yet every small detail is something that Shinomiya Kaguya seems to find space for, both to enjoy and to immortalize.
"Why do you like to read so much?"
He does not move; he does not shift his eyes. He turns the page calmly, almost as if he is barely cognizant of the scrutiny. The minute that passes before he answers seems to drag on and Shinomiya Kaguya has never been an impatient person but something about his ignoring her strikes a chord within her deep recesses. He even hums a jaunty little tune before he graces her with an answer. "Books are so much simpler than people, though I suppose people aren't really that complicated once you boil them down. Most of the time they're just equations."
She raises a carefully cut brow. "Is that so? Then if they are so simple, as you say, why not use what wit you've shown to take more control?"
He laughs and sips some of his coffee, scribbling something in the margins of his copy of Antigone. "Because I want to be happy."
"And pray tell, why would you be unable to be happy if you were to use all of yourself in such a manner?" The implication is not lost on her; what is he saying? She is happy! Sure, there are many moments in her life that are unpleasant but there are so many good things that happen to her. "Is it not unfulfilling to live a life without the fullest pursuit? Did you not once tell me that you would chase me no matter what it took?"
"Because I would take the place of Atlas; and I am but a man." Hikigaya shrugs, unphased by her temper. "I did not say those words to you because I was arrogant; I said them because I knew they were within the realm of my possibilities."
Then there are the other traits of Hikigaya Hachiman that she thinks are admirable. Particularly where the bigger things are concerned. Like the fact that he has a younger sister whose every care and need he provides for; the fact that he has no other relatives doesn't bother him, nor does he let that stop him from doing what he wants in life. He attended Shuuchi'in by scholarship and passed onto university very much the same way. And somehow, between all that, he finds jobs that accommodate both his academic life and his personal one. Every piece of his life is gently taped together in a way that should embody chaos but instead dignifies order.
Shinomiya Kaguya does not use the term lightly but she is impressed by Hikigaya Hachiman. By all rights, he should be a failure. He is not someone who comes of great stock. He has no true determination in life - she had almost had a heart attack when he told her and Hayasaka that his first ever goal before his parents passed was to become a househusband of all things - to accomplish anything noble or extraordinary. And more than anything else, Hikigaya Hachiman is someone who is clearly weighed down by his immense heart and willingness to sacrifice.
But Hikigaya Hachiman refuses to bow. From him, she learns that there are many walks of life. And that there are just as many ways to venture down such roads. Between several discussions on the philosophy of advancement and society in general, she discovers that Hikigaya is incredibly tech savvy but even more conscientious about the fact that he can't afford the things he wants so he finds ways to substitute for them. He does not whine nor does he mope about it. He brainstorms, sometimes out loud, and disregards others as he talks to himself and scribbles on notebooks, scrunches up his face in thought, and goes off on tangents the moment epiphanies are realized. His approach is genuine, and it is forward.
Most people would call his actions common sense; but most people also can't accomplish what Hikigaya does, she thinks. It's not aptitude that separates him, it's his methods. He isn't smarter than the people around her, he certainly isn't more conventionally intelligent than Hayasaka Ai, but he doesn't allow those 'limits' to prevent him from seeing the angles he imagines and carefully carving them into reality. Over time, his differences become all the more apparent and Shinomiya Kaguya marvels at him. This, she tells herself, is the difference between knowledge and wisdom.
Time with him becomes much less of a luxury and much more her expectation. And she doesn't know when it started but she does know that waking up in the morning to the realization that she isn't over him is more than just mildly unhealthy. She ignores the pounding in her chest anyway.
Until she can't anymore.
It is a cold winter day, typical and uninspiring. The wind chill blows everyone into shivers as they walk from class to class and building to building.
She hates the cold. It reminds of her unfeelingness, her bitterness, and most of all, it makes her question why she goes through the motions. There is a path laid out for her already; a plan and a set level of expectations, all of which she has either met or exceeded. And still, no one really turns her way. Shinomiya Kaguya hates the cold.
"Oi, Shinomiya. Wait up for a minute, won't you? It's not like you to be in a rush."
But not when she shares it with him.
Her steps slow down just a tad, more than enough for his much longer legs to catch a stride match her. She hides a giggle at how they walk in tandem and wonders if anyone else sees the two of them and thinks to themselves, "Oh, what a fitting couple!"
Or at least, that would have been the case had Hayasaka not been waiting for them, waving at her boyfriend. She sighs and the puff of smoke that is her breath dances in front of her for a moment, vanishing into the abyss. Kaguya puts on a smile and waves back. And freezes.
It is small. It is plain. But no amount of denial could remove it. It is there.
Her heart begins to race: when did this happen? Thunder follows the lightning and all of a sudden there is an uncontrollable pounding in her chest. She manages to mumble out a hello and steps in line like everything is normal.
Neither of them say anything; nothing is out of the ordinary. Kaguya's mind is melting; did she miss something? The smile on her face starts to crack and she forces herself to look forward, careful not to let either of them see her expression. She's not sure she can handle it.
The three of them walk on to their favorite square of the school, a quiet quarters that was once a piano room but has since been converted into a small library. As soon as the door shuts, the gears shift and the stoic face of her maid melts.
"Kaguya-sama!" Hayasaka squeals. A genuine cry of joy. She lets out a surprise yelp as her maid squeezes her. A hug. Hayasaka Ai. Hugging her. "Look!"
And look she does. In raw, untainted envy. Her eyes drift towards the man in the room, his own drawn downward in the pages of his book. But the tingle of red along his neck and cheeks are unmissable. Her breath is heavy; she blames it on the cold. She struggles to keep her voice steady. She can't; it cracks as she whispers, "Congratulations."