2 songs that make me sob when I think of Merder.

watch?v=L2URIAPegF4 - Chasing Cars - Sleeping At Last.

watch?v=DF0zefuJ4Ys - How To Save A Life - The Fray

(ik her kids were with her, but for this, they stayed with Amy)

The silence was almost too loud. No breathing… no beeping… so small movements… nothing. Just silence.

All Meredith could hear was her own heart beat. It was louder than what seemed possible. The only light in the room came from a small bedside lamp and the dim built-in ceiling light.

Meredith felt Derek take his last breath right in front of her. His chest just… deflated.

The nurse left quickly, leaving Meredith to mourn in her own way. But she couldn't. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move, she couldn't do anything. She just stood there, with her hand on his chest. God knows how long she was there. Time passed slowly now, almost taunting her. Her eyes welled, but never burst. Her heart ached almost painfully.

Nobody knew what had happened, she'd just left. Her kids were staying with Amelia that night, so as far as everyone knows, her and Derek were making baby number 3. Which would now never happen. Not that she'd want another baby, Derek was dead. The baby would just be a bitter reminder of him: of what could have been if that damn truck had been paying attention.

At some point a nurse came in, saying visiting hours were over, but still, Meredith couldn't move. Part of her was angry: angry at the nurse for turning the life support off, angry at the truck driver, angry at Derek for dying on her, and angry at herself for letting him leave. The other part of her was somewhat happy: he wasn't suffering. He was peacefully sleeping. The final part of her was broken. Her soulmate was dead. The father of her kids was dead. Her husband, and her best friend, was dead.

Someone else came in as she continued to stare at his lifeless body and gently pushed her into a newly placed chair. They probably said something, but Meredith didn't hear. She just stared. Tears welled in her eyes and slowly trickled down her face.

Painful thoughts invaded her mind. How would she even tell people? How would she tell his sisters? His mom? Hell, how would she tell their kids? Fresh, hot tears burned down her face. She pulled out her mobile from her pocket and pressed the first number. Truthfully, she didn't know who she was ringing. The dial tone was a sound she'd heard before: it was almost comforting.

"Hey Mer. What's up?" She couldn't speak. But hearing a voice was nice. "Mer? Are you ok?" The voice asked again. She pulled the phone away from her face to see who she'd called. On the phone screen was Jackie Boo. Jackson. She'd put the name in as a joke a few years ago, but never changed it. "Jackson?" She finally choked out. "Meredith? Are you hurt? Where are you?" He asked.

Tears dropped down her face again. "Uh… Dillard Medical Centre." She stuttered out. "Ok, I'm on my way. I'll be there in 15 minutes." The call disconnected, and Meredith was alone again.

She left to get a cup of water from the water station, which was just outside Derek's room. Meredith looked around the small waiting room. So many people were looking, waiting. Some would get told their person was ok. Some would get told their person was going into surgery. Some would get told that they're new grandparents/parents.

Others would get told their person is dead.

Meredith was part of that other.

A few people caught her eye and stared at her. She couldn't blame them to be honest: she was in her polka dotted pyjama pants, lime green trainers, one of Derek's sleeping shirts and no bra on. She'd literally rolled out of bed to get to the hospital. God knows what her face looked like. She knew it was tear streaked for definite.

"God, people actually leave their houses like that?" She heard one person say. Meredith glared heavily at the woman in question. "When you get told that your husband, that the father of your children, has been hit by a semi and is brain dead, then you can judge me. Until then, keep your mouth shut." She snapped. The woman gawked at her before having the decency to look away, ashamed. Meredith trudged back into Derek's room and shut the door.

Jackson arrived fairly quickly after that. A gentle knock on the door broke Meredith out of the small nap she'd taken. It wasn't a nap so much as an empty day dream. She'd rested her head on Derek's stomach, inhaling the last part of his smell. "Mrs Shepherd? There's somebody here for you," A nurse poked her head around. Meredith didn't say anything, she continued staring blankly at the wall. "Mer?" Jackson asked as he came in, shutting the door behind him. "He's dead, Jackson. Derek's dead." She spoke. Her voice sounded thick as more tears poured down her face. "Oh Mer…" Was all he could say.

It was all it took before she was bawling silently again. Meredith pressed her face tightly into Derek's stomach, desperate to stop some of the tears falling. The sound of his chart being picked up was the only thing to be heard as she sniffled heavily. Jackson presumably put Derek's chart back down and pulled Meredith up. She didn't resist, but made his shoulder her new sob spot. He rubbed her back in circles. "I'm so sorry, Mer." He kept whispering, almost like a mantra.

But no mantra would help her.

Derek was dead.

And there was nothing she could do about it.