It was a full moon night. The moon shining brightly irrespective of its imperfections, irrespective of the darkness surrounding it. Severus Snape would not be found in his office tonight nor would he be found walking briskly in the corridors taking his usual rounds. On this day you would find him somewhere far away from Hogwarts strolling on some familiar beach. It was not that this particular day was any special nor was it the first time he had gone there. He would go there whenever he had nowhere to go. He would go there whenever he didn't want to be at Hogwarts or his own house at Spinner's End or whatever other places you'd expect him to be at. All those places were known to him and yet were not familiar. And this strange island he had stumbled upon accidentally years ago strangely felt like home. It is as though the sands accepted him, the breeze embraced him, the sea forgave him, and the moon -it just watched him from a distance but it felt as though it understood. Understood something which Snape himself didn't quite understand.
One might ask what did he actually do there. The answer would be that he did what he knew best. Thinking.
Severus Snape was not a man who would discuss his life with anyone. He was not the person who would go to friends for advice or colleagues for opinion. Not because he had no friends but because he didn't trust any.
So he discussed his life with the only person he trusted -Himself. Eventually, he had developed the habit of self-analysis. He would ask questions in his head and then he would answer them to the best of his abilities.
So probably once in a month, he would come to this deserted beach, walk on the sand barefoot, and seek answers from the universe.
Today he had had a particularly rough day. Not because students hated him, not because his fellow colleagues criticized him, not because nobody accepted him because these things were perfectly normal if you were Severus Snape. Neither did he mind nor did it matter.
It was a bad day because today Dumbledore, a person who Snape could somewhat trust besides himself had asked a bit too much from him. The best part was that no matter how he felt about the whole issue he couldn't refuse the request or order however you take it. Severus Snape was a man of his words and years ago he had uttered the most ridiculous words of his life-'Anything'.
Snape realized that he had stopped walking and was staring blankly at the receding waves. He suddenly felt tired, very tired. He unconsciously sat down. Snape was not a man who would weep at his misfortune, not even in solitude. But he felt that something was smoldering in his chest. Maybe a part of his soul was turning into smoke and escaping the confines of his body. Who knew?
Snape's lips curled in a sadistic smile. Sometimes he felt that his life was filled with humor albeit just a bit dark. Things were so queer that they appeared funny. When you can't cry at your miseries you can at least laugh at your misfortunes. Everything after all is a matter of perspectives.
Snape sighed. Snape thought of his life as a twisted puzzle that may never be solved. He could vaguely remember his childhood. He didn't want to remember the details but his home life could be summed up as turbulent and chaotic at the very least. Though his mother did love him, they both had ideological differences. Hence even in her, he couldn't find someone who understood. Loving someone is easy but understanding and then accepting that person is not that easy. Snape looked up at the moon, shining bright in the dark sky. He found it fascinating.
Lily, yes she was someone who understood but only for a while. Not having someone who understands you is bearable but losing someone who does is a different sort of blow. You feel that a piece of you has been chopped off and tossed into the air. Snape could clearly remember those beautiful green eyes filled with disgust. Disgust for him. Snape smiled again.
Truth to be told he didn't mind that she married someone else for he knew he had lost her long back. He on his part had understood her reasons and had accepted her decision. After all, he knew that he himself was not and is still not the most amiable person. She at least had tried to understand him. It didn't bother him that she married his tormentor as long as he knew that she continues to live a happy life. But the irony was that she didn't live at all and that HE was responsible for it.
Snape got up with a jerk and started walking again. He knew that since that day he had been living as a dead man. He knew that he would have died long back had Dumbeldore not given him a new purpose of life (which was to die for a purpose). Snape paused for a moment. The cool sea breeze was blowing up his shoulder-length hair all over his face. For once he didn't mind.
Since that fateful day, he had been living a fake life. Loved by the people he despised and hated by the people he cared for. Somehow he had got used to it by now. Used to saving the life of a boy whose mother he could not save. Snape inadvertently kicked a small seashell lying on the shore. The boy looked familiar, with his green eyes staring at him with the same disgust. Snape picked up the seashell and put it into his pocket.
"The boy must die"Dumbeldore's voice was ringing in his head. Snape could have laughed his head off. The boy who lived must die. The boy he had saved on so many occasions from his own stupidity must die. The boy who had given him a purpose to live must die. The boy whose mother died must die too. Life had stopped making sense anymore. It never did on second thoughts.
He realized that he had been walking in shallow waters and the lower part of his trousers was completely drenched.
The best part of the entire situation was that he was supposed to be the one to divulge this piece of information to the boy. Life is sometimes so ludicrous. God knows how the boy who has never trusted him would trust him on such a wonderful piece of news. Sometimes Dumbeldore is indiscernible. Well, most of the time he is. There is absolutely no way the boy would believe him especially after the other task Dumbeldore has so magnanimously disposed on him is executed. There were small beads of sweat floating on his creased forehead. He didn't bother to wipe them. He was mid-waist in water.
He had no idea what to think of Dumbeldore. Should he hate him, pity him, respect him or envy him. Envy him that he would be out of this mess so soon.
Snape for the umpteenth time in his life felt like a cornered rat. Stuck in some sort of marshland. The water around him had reached his chest level. It felt good against the burning hole in his chest. His feet were slowly drifting forwards. It felt so easy to move forward than backward. But then he stopped abruptly. His eyes again drifted towards the moon. A lone tear escaped his eyes and then he smiled. He turned back and started moving towards the shore. Severus Snape was not afraid of death for he was already living life on lease. But Severus Snape would not die in vain. Severus Snape was a man of his words and he had a lot of promises to keep. He was not a coward, he was not an escapist and he was not a shirker. He was somebody who would be remembered by the future generations as the bravest man they ever knew. He was a man who took his duties to heart no matter what.
Snape was standing on the shore letting the cool breeze dry his wet clothes. He brushed the sand from his feet and wore his shoes. He cast a last look at the sea and then at the moon. He then retrieved his wand from the inner pocket of his robes and apparated back to Hogwarts. The dawn was breaking and Hogwarts was looking magnificent against the rising sun. He strode inside the main gate with his cloak billowing in the early morning breeze. He would get an early coffee and mark the remaining assignments.
He was striding purposefully towards his office when suddenly a first-year student collided with him on a turn.
"10 points from Ravenclaw for displaying an inability to walk straight in corridors."Snape's voice was booming in the corridor. He wore a self-satisfied smirk on his face.
Things didn't seem that bad at the moment and he would live in the moment for now, and as far as the future is concerned, he would cross the bridge when he would reach there.
Thank you for your positive review. I am glad that you found my story interesting. You are right. Snape is not evil. He is just a complex character. A bit flawed I agree, but his heart is at the right place. He too is a human and he is not perfect. That's perhaps what makes him so relatable. He stumbles, he falls down but he doesn't stay there. He gets up, brushes dirt from his clothes, and surges ahead. And that is what is so inspiring about him.