Growing up, Ratchet knew he could always count on the most important people in his life: His intelligent father, who taught him honor and loyalty. His mother, lovely and strong, who taught him to be compassionate, critical, and to be stongwilled like no other. And then there was Alister Azimuth - his uncle, ever present in his developing years, who taught him not only how to win in a fight, but after puberty surprised him, what it meant to truly love another soul.
It had been hard to figure out that what he was feeling was not simple admiration, or fascination, or even familial love.
The way Alister spoke, deep and with authority, made Ratchet's hair prickle at the back of his neck. The way his muscles shifted under his white fur, toned and beautiful, made him feel his stomach flutter uncontrollably. The way his red gaze met Ratchet's when he called his name, made the air freeze in his lungs like no other thing ever did. And it was only after he became old enough to separate things, to be able to pick apart his thoughts and get to the root of them, that he became aware that what he was feeling was attraction.
But realizing his own feelings didn't give him the peace of mind he had sought for so long, through sleepless nights of constantly thinking of the older Lombax, and about the confusing mix of feelings he made him experience. Quite the contrary - it opened the floodgates to a cascade of troubled thoughts, panic and shame, for he knew that what he felt would not only be rejected by Alister, but would also be frowned upon by his parents, and everyone else that dared share a piece of their mind.
After all, despite Ratchet's race being deemed one of the most advanced ones in the galaxy by many, they still had their flaws. Sure, they provided the most destructive weapons, the most fascinating gadgets, the brightest scientists and warriors… But to Ratchet, it all lost some of its splendor, solely because of the close mindedness present in their social customs. A Lombax deviating from what was deemed a socially acceptable sexual orientation was deplorable, and he was hyperaware of this unfair fact. It made his teenage years even harder than they should have been, and even well into adulthood, made him feel empty and alone. Of course, he had been attracted to female classmates all throughout his school years, and even had a few girlfriends here and there. But this attraction didn't negate the other one, and he was constantly torn between pretending to be something he was not just to be accepted, and embracing the beauty of being able to love anyone, despite their gender.
Sudden noise tore Ratchet out of his troubled thoughts, and he lifted his head from the book he had been blankly staring at to find his father standing before him. The older Lombax quirked a brow as he smiled amused, and Ratchet wondered for how long he had been just watching him space out. The boy adjusted himself at his desk to pretend like he wasn't doing just that.
"Are you done?" Kaden said, arms crossed over his chest.
"Huh?"
"With your studies. You know you won't make it into the academy with a head full of daydreams, and nothing to back you up."
"Oh…" Ratchet said as he glanced back down at his book, letting out a quiet chuckle. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm done for today."
"You seem distracted. What's on your mind?" His father asked, stepping closer to his son, his smile warm and his eyes soft.
Ratchet looked at him, and felt a fleeting glimmer of hope. He could, in theory, confide in his father. Let him know the little secret that had been eating him inside for years on end, tell him all about his fears, his dreams, his desires, as he had fantasized about doing so many times before. But a stab at his heart made him frown, overwhelmed with the possibility of his father becoming furious, and refusing to listen to reason. He knew there was a chance that he wouldn't react as badly as he expected him to, and that he would instead choose to support him despite what anyone else might say. But the risk was far too great, and he feared taking the chance only to realize it simply wasn't worth it, far too late.
"It's nothing, dad," Ratchet shrugged, trying to smile.
"Are you sure? You looked like you wanted to say something just now." He continued to push the matter, as observant as ever. "You know you can tell me anything, son. And that I will do anything in my power to help you, if that's what you need."
There was that hope again, but Ratchet stubbornly fought it down with a swallow, shaking his head briefly.
"I'm sure. I think I'm just tired. Don't worry about it."
Kaden's smile disappeared, and a void filled Ratchet's stomach. He knew his father just wanted to help, and that it pained him when he rejected his attempts to get closer without even giving him a chance. But Ratchet felt he simply had no choice, no matter how guilty it made him feel to see his disappointed eyes. Thankfully, his father's expression soon changed to one of understanding, as it usually did, and with a nod, he turned around to exit the small study room without another word.
"Dad," Ratchet called out to him before he could leave, seeing his father turn to look at him with a triumphant smile, surely believing the boy to have thought better of it. "Have you seen Alister today?"
Kaden lifted a curious brow, not having expected the question.
"Yes, I have. I saw him go towards the sand wastes an hour or so ago. Said something about wanting to try out a hoverboots mod he did, so I don't think he'll be back until dinner."
The boy nodded at this with a smile, and Kaden knew himself excused. He retreated, hiding his disappointment as he faced away from his son.
"Sand wastes, huh?" Ratchet spoke to himself with a hand hovering over his mouth, amused at how predictable Alister was at times. He very well could be playing around with his upgraded, shiny new toys, but that could also have been only half of the story - the half he chose to let Kaden know about. Ratchet knew the white Lombax went out into the desert to be alone and have a moment to think clearly, any other plan falling in second. And the younger one was more than happy to crash his party of one just to have a chance to talk to him, and see his face.
The golden Lombax got up from his seat and scurried off to his bedroom, where he grabbed both his hoverboots and wrench, just in case he encountered any wild creatures beyond the relative safety of the city limits.
He left the house only a moment after, seeing his mother on his way out and letting her know he'd be back before the sun went down fully.
Finally out into the arid desert, he walked under the scorching sun for a few minutes as he took in his surroundings. The yellow sand, the bright sky, the heavy, impossibly hot dryness in the air that enveloped his entire body.
Then, he kicked on the thrusters of his hoverboots, blue fire pushing him off the ground with impressive force.
The young Lombax flew forwards through the desert, leaving a trail of dust that lifted into the air and dissipated like smoke. The wind whooshed past him, and his ears flopped behind his head as he picked up the speed, body leaning forwards and from side to side to adjust his direction.
Soon, he spotted a large rock formation just ahead of him, and was able to see Alister resting in the shadow it provided.
The noise of the boots was hard to ignore, as was the speed at which he was going, so it was no surprise that Alister's eyes were fixed on him up until he made a stop almost right at his feet. He didn't look particularly upset at being ambushed like this, so Ratchet went ahead and sat beside him on the sand, after eyeing the area briefly to make sure they were alone.
"Ratchet," Alister greeted him, a small smile at his lips. "Good to see you."
"Yeah, hi," he lifted a hand as if to wave awkwardly, a small chuckle escaping him. "Mind if I, uh... join you?"
"Not at all," he shrugged with a chuckle, amused at his 'sit first, ask later' approach. "be my guest."
The younger Lombax smiled wide, noticing he seemed to be in quite the amicable mood. He sat a little closer then, taking his invitation to heart, and was thankful to see Alister didn't seem to mind.
"Great weather, huh? It's so sunny," Ratchet said, trying his luck at small talk.
"It's a desert. It's always sunny," Alister looked at him with a teasing look, and Ratchet pressed his lips into a tight line, feeling at a loss as he always did when he tried and failed at talking to him like a normal person.
"Yeah, well. True," he nodded, feeling awkward, and wishing he could slap himself for not having prepared a wide selection of potential conversation starters for the occasion.
When he was younger, he was able to speak to Alister so naturally. He simply said whatever came to mind, and usually ended up having solid conversations with him without any issues. But now, it all seemed like a puzzle. He knew the words, but Alister's mere presence racked his nerves to the point he simply forgot how to communicate. At least until the elder took the lead somehow, and made up for his awkwardness with his own voice.
"Did you need anything?" Alister spoke up after a moment of uncomfortable silence, though he didn't seem to be particularly out of his element.
"Huh? Oh…" Ratchet looked at him directly and found him still staring at him. His green eyes widened, and he looked away instantly, feeling the skin beneath his fur warming up and his stomach flutter. That was another thing that had become harder with age: just simply looking into the man's face.
"... You take after your father so much," Alister said in a quiet voice, and the younger one had to look at him again, needing to see the expression that went along with the statement. His eyes seemed sad, and there was a strange smile on his lips. One that he wasn't sure how to interpret.
"I get that a lot. But I'm way more attractive," he said jokingly, seeing Alister's expression change to one of surprise, before he let out a laugh.
"Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that."
"Hey!" Ratchet laughed, using a hand to push the older one. "It's a fact. You really don't think so?" he said, trying to see just how far he could push it this time.
Alister kept his eyes on him for longer than he had anticipated, as if he were really, truly looking at him. And it made him feel naked, exposed, in a way that had his heart picking up its rhythm.
"Maybe if you trained more, you'd have more meat on those bones of yours," he observed, looking away to stare at the sand.
"Ah, so it's my body what's not up to standard. If I worked out more, I'd be more attractive to you, then?"
Alister rose a brow before meeting his gaze again, and Ratchet took three metaphorical steps back.
"To the ladies, I meant. Would I be able to score a chick like good old pops Kaden did?"
"To the ladies?" he repeated, between suspicious and amused. "You're fine the way you are, Ratchet. Find someone that likes you for who you are, and you'll be fine."
Ratchet listened to the fatherly-like advice with a nod, his teeth chewing on his lower lip.
"What if the person I like doesn't like me for who I am?"
"Then find another one. They're not worth it," Alister said quickly, voice certain.
"What if I think they're worth it?"
"Then I'd say you're more of an idiot than I initially believed."
"Hah," the younger Lombax smiled faintly, but wasn't able to truly laugh. "Maybe I am."
They were in silence then, as Ratchet fought to find a way to not let the conversation die, and as Alister tried making sense out of why his friend's kid was suddenly seeking romantic advice from him of all people, when he was basically the town's oldest bachelor. It was blatantly obvious that whatever advice he could give in the matter was as good as useless, considering how alone he was, despite not quite lacking attention from the opposite gender.
Alister, frustrated, realized that this train of thought was triggering certain emotions in him that he had been trying to push down all evening somewhat successfully, until now.
"Your father was an idiot too," the white Lombax mumbled, and Ratchet's ears twitched. It was the first time he had heard Alister say anything like that, with how much praise was to be found for Kaden in every word he spoke, much to Ratchet's ever present frustration. "He chose like an idiot," he continued, eyes fixed in space. "He had someone that would have given everything for him a thousand times over, and settled for someone… Someone else," he said, nostrils lightly flaring, and Ratchet could tell he was deliberately avoiding saying anything distasteful about his mother.
The young man observed him for a moment, watching his poorly kept secret just barely spill out from between the cracks. A secret that was no secret at all, because Ratchet had been paying attention for the past ten or so years, and had learned to notice the yearning looks and the enamoured praises. Whenever Alister allowed a hand to touch his father for a moment too long, so hungry and desperate for physical intimacy, Ratchet would see it and wonder what the elder saw in Kaden that simply wasn't found in him. And whenever Alister came around, looking only for a chance to be with Kaden and enjoy his exclusive company, Ratchet's heart would ache with the injustice of loving someone that only had eyes for someone else.
No matter how hard he looked into the honest mirror, bitterly wondering if Alister would want him if only he looked more like his father, the conclusion he arrived at was always the same. The issue was and would forever be, that he simply wasn't Kaden. And that seemed to be the ultimate deal breaker for Alister.
But Ratchet had something his own father didn't have, and it was something with the potential to turn things around in his favor: the unwavering desire to claim Alister only for himself.
"I'm glad he chose wrong," Ratchet said, looking to Alister to find his brows furrowing with offense. "I wouldn't have been born otherwise," he continued, seeing the elder's eyes get dangerously close to a petty glare.
"And I wouldn't have been able to meet you," Ratchet went on, keeping his voice low, his eyes fixed on the other's. "I'm glad he didn't choose you, because then we wouldn't be sitting here together, talking like this."
At these words, Alister's eyes went impossibly wide, suddenly realizing he had shared too much. He had foolishly made the mistake of relying on Ratchet to be too clueless to read between the lines.
He had been found out.
The kid knew exactly what he was feeling, what he had felt, what he and Kaden could have been if only the universe hadn't been so cruel. He fleetingly wondered why he had been so stupid, why he hadn't kept his mouth shut.
"I wasn't talking about me, you damned fool," Alister said with defensive anger, drawing his knees closer to stand up.
"Oh, come on! I'm not some stupid kid anymore. You realize that, right?" Ratchet said, nervously licking his lips as he watched Alister get up from the sand. "It really isn't hard to figure out what you're thinking, when you're barely trying to keep your massive crush on my dad a secret."
"Shut up!" Alister yelled, startling the younger Lombax with his sudden, booming voice. "You're talking out of your ass! you know nothing about me," with ire in his voice and fire in his eyes, he turned to leave.
"General, wait!" Ratchet let out, hurrying to his feet and grasping at the white Lombax's wrist.
"Let me go!" Alister yanked his hand back instantly, teeth baring and nostrils flaring with anger.
Ratchet took a step back, intimidated by his taller, stronger, and furious form. The boy had seen the elder angry before, but that anger was never aimed at him, thanks to Ratchet never really giving him a reason for it. And judging by his shaking fists and whipping white tail, Ratchet had just pissed him off more than he would have ever been able to predict.
Green eyes shifted to the ground as his chest heaved with anxiety, not knowing how to handle the situation he had gotten himself into. He noticed Alister giving him his back again to leave, and the boy quickly blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, if it meant stopping him.
"I've seen the way you look at my mom!" he yelled, seeing the man stop on his tracks, "and I see the way you look at my father. You can't fool me. I know you... I know you feel things for him."
"I said shut up!" Alister turned to yell, and was momentarily startled to see that the younger Lombax was right behind him, his chest nearly pressed against his. Ratchet's eyes burned with something akin to anger under his thick furrowed brows, and his breathing was harsh. Loud.
"Shut up," Alister repeated, low under his breath. "If you tell them - if you tell him, I'll be ruined. He doesn't know. He can't know," he said, and his eyes betrayed he was terrified more than anything, his angry reaction nothing more than sudden panic.
"The only idiot here is him, then," Ratchet said, voice overflowing with something that almost sounded like pity, "not only for not noticing, but also for not seeing what he had in front of him to begin with."
Alister's brows knitted upwards, fleeting pain in his eyes. Was he siding with him? Did he really understand how unfair it all was, and wished it didn't have to be that way?
Alister genuinely thought that this might be the case.
"But I'm not my father, no matter how much you compare us. I'm not blind like him. I see you," the youngest said, a hand going up to rest on Alister's chest. "And I want you to see me too."
His small hand followed a path up the man's chest and over his collarbone, stopping at his face. From the closeness, Ratchet could smell him, feel his breath on his face, see the way his pupils shifted from his nervous gaze to his parted mouth.
Then, Ratchet lifted his other arm to wrap it around the other's neck, and used the leverage to pull him down and smash his lips against his, keeping his eyes open to see Alister's own become wide, and stay open.
The boy barely had time to register it before a strong hand knocked him harshly to the ground, a pained hiss escaping from between his tight teeth from having fallen on his own tail.
From below, he looked up at Alister, standing there with his still wide eyes and perked ears, his frozen tail and his heaving chest.
"Alister," Ratchet said, raising a hand towards him.
"No," the older Lombax breathed out, shaking his head over and over, "No, this is wrong," he said, his face a chaos of emotions.
"Alister, please," Ratchet tried getting up from the ground, hand still reaching for him, as if to both calm him down, and beg him not to leave.
"Don't talk to me again," he whispered before turning away, blue fire coming to life from beneath his feet as he escaped on his hoverboots, heading towards the artificially lit city as the sun began to set behind their backs.
Ratchet was unsure if his encounter with Alister had been real or not.
From his warm bed, with the first sun rays of dawn spilling through his window and falling on his bloodshot eyes, he wondered if it all had been nothing but a strange nightmare.
He tried remembering the details of it, and the more he thought it through, the more he became aware that it all had been real, and that he had no idea what to do next.
He considered perhaps he would figure it out once he saw his face again - but he didn't see him that day. Nor the next.
By the time the week had ended, Ratchet felt as if he had lived an eternity without even knowing if Alister was still in town, and worry was beginning to devour him whole. He found himself desperately needing to know if he was okay, needing to hear his voice again, needing to at the very least see him one last time, if he truly wanted him out of his life for good.
If things came to that… He hoped he at least came around to say goodbye.
And he did.
The second he heard his voice floating through the corridors of his home, Ratchet frantically paused what he was doing to storm out of the study room, knocking down several books and maps in the process without even realizing it.
He practically jumped from the top of the stairs down, his chest heaving and his pulse strong at his neck, so much that he couldn't help but touch the artery there, wondering if it would be potent enough for the elder to see it pulsating beneath his fur, betraying his emotional state.
"Alister!" Ratchet said, nearly out of breath thanks to his anxiety, wide eyes scanning the kitchen to then latch on to the white Lombax's surprised face.
"... Ratchet?" Kaden replied instead, his eyebrows furrowed as he glanced at Alister's sudden stoic expression, and at Ratchet's panting form. "Son, are you alright?" he asked in a soft tone, seeing the boy look at him as if he had just realized he was there in the room as well.
"I'm... fine," he said, tongue quickly moistening his lips. But he said nothing more.
There, standing in the doorframe with his father between him and the white Lombax, he realized that there was nothing he could say that wouldn't be potentially disastrous.
"If you say so," Kaden gave him a curious look, deciding to leave it at that. "Good thing you came before I had to go look for you," he chuckled, briefly glancing at his old friend. "Alister came to say goodbye," he said, voice not quite betraying his sadness as well as his eyes did.
It took a moment for Ratchet to truly register what he had heard.
"... What do you mean 'goodbye'?" the youngest said, eyes rapidly shifting between the two elders as he was suddenly engulfed in panic, despite having halfway expected this outcome.
"He's leaving Fastoon. He doesn't realize he's a little too old like to be going on adventures around the galaxy all on his own," he rolled his eyes with a smile, a hand going to pat the white Lombax on the back. "But he's going to write back about all the wacky things he sees and does. Right?" He patted him again harder than before, clearly more affectionate.
"Of course," Alister said, voice calm, thin smile on his lips.
"Where is it that you're going again?" his friend asked, turning his full attention to Alister.
"Wherever my ship will take me."
"Wow!" Kaden laughed, looking to his son. "That sure is something, isn't it, Ratchet? I guess an adventurous heart wants what it wants. Just be sure to not get into too much trouble, will ya?"
"Please, Kaden," Alister tried a chuckle, "when have I ever done otherwise?"
They shared a laugh, momentarily lost in their small world, and realized a second too late that the younger Lombax was no longer there.
"Ratchet?" his father called out as soon as he noticed his sudden absence, and he was able to hear loud footsteps trail all the way up to the second floor, followed by a door slamming loudly, nearly shaking the walls.
Kaden was in silence then, feeling the awkwardness of his son's misbehaviour weigh on his shoulders alone.
"I'm sorry about that," the father mumbled.
"It's fine," Alister assured him, trying to be convincing.
"He must be upset. You're really important to him, you know? To all of us."
"Thank you."
"I'll talk to him later. He'll regret not saying a proper goodbye, considering you don't even know when you'll be back. If... you do come back," there was sadness in his voice, and his eyes were glossy when he met his friend's gaze.
"I'll miss you, Kaden," he confessed, letting his vulnerable feelings out on display momentarily. He feared the other would tease him for it, but instead, the golden Lombax smiled warmly, happy to be so loved, and pulled Alister into a tight hug.
"I'm gonna miss you too, you big stubborn idiot," he held him close, eyes shut tight to keep himself from spilling tears. He found comfort in burying his face against the fuzzy texture of the white Lombax's neck, his scent and his warmth soothing his heavy heart. Kaden felt a gentle hand cup his nape sweetly, holding him in place.
They embraced for what seemed like minutes, and they both realized this was really the first time they shared such an intimate hug. And they both regretted it could be the last time they got to do it.
"I didn't know you could be so sweet," Kaden joked, nuzzling against him with a smile.
"There's a lot you don't know about me," he whispered, mouth close to his ear.
This caused Kaden to laugh, more because he doubted it more than anything. He was under the impression he knew him better than anyone had ever attempted to, and prided himself in that.
"Whatever you say," he chuckled, allowing the embrace to continue for a moment more before speaking up again. "You can… You can let go now."
"Sorry," Alister pulled away instantly, hearing the other clear his throat as he fixed his clothes unnecessarily, skin confusingly hot beneath his golden fur.
"Take care of yourself," Kaden said, that same sad look still present on his eyes.
"You too," Alister smiled one last time, and turned on his heel rapidly before he could think better of it for even a second more, leaving behind everything he loved most as he stepped out of the house without looking back.
The threat of rain was extremely rare, especially this time of year. Despite this, as Alister stepped out into the balcony of his apartment to glance at the blue-lit city and the shining stars, he swore he could smell it coming in the air.
He felt that he would miss it greatly. The wild desert flowers just out of the city limits bloomed beautifully after they were blessed with rain, and he knew flowers wouldn't look as stunning in any other place in the galaxy. Not without Kaden standing beside them, taking his pick of the largest one to gift his wife with a dreamy smile. Not without Ratchet kneeling among them, observing them curiously, not daring to rip any of them out.
Alister shook his head, both hands lifting and pushing his ears back as he laughed quietly, frustrated with himself.
No matter where his mind went, both Kaden and Ratchet were at the end of every train of thought, like a dead end.
He didn't regret his decision to leave, despite his heart begging him to reconsider. He knew it would hurt like hell, and it would be nearly impossible to heal from the wounds it would inflict - but he needed to do it, and not only for his own sake.
His thoughts went back to Ratchet, and to how obvious his feelings should have been, with how much he sought him out. But that was exactly the issue. He had been so blinded by the intense attention he paid to Kaden, that he only ever saw his son as an extension of him. And now he wasn't sure if the affection he felt for Ratchet was a side effect of loving everything he saw of his father in him, or something else entirely. Something a lot more complicated, that he had never even considered.
Loud knocking tore him out of his thoughts, and he ripped his eyes from the clouds drifting on the horizon to go back inside his home, his mind too preoccupied like to be paying much attention to the world around him as he reached for the doorknob on autopilot.
The door swung open, and Alister's entire body froze the second he realized who was at the other side of it. Green eyes nailed themselves on his own instantly, the younger Lombax's yellow tail wagging slightly from his nerves.
Alister stood there, not knowing what to do. Ready to leave as soon as he was done packing, a visit from the very person he was escaping from had seemed like such an improbability. Quite foolish, in hindsight.
"Go home," the elder sighed tiredly, but before he could close the door on his face, Ratchet pushed the door open and forced himself inside.
"No," he said with a scowl, seeing Alister take several steps back into his home, cornered, eyes shifting as if he were looking for an escape route. "I'm not going anywhere."
"If you came to say goodbye, then goodbye, Ratchet. Now please, leave."
"No," he repeated, shaking his head, "I didn't come here to say goodbye. I came to tell you you're a coward."
Alister's eyes grew wide at this, and he tilted his head slightly as he watched Ratchet, taken aback.
"I don't know what gave you the impression that I wanted your opinion, but thank you. Is that all?" he lifted his brows in mockery, hand reaching out as if to welcome him to continue speaking.
Ratchet clicked his tongue, eyes shutting tight for a moment.
"Why are you doing this?" the younger Lombax said, brows knitted together. "What are you so afraid of, that makes you want to leave the fucking planet?"
Alister listened quietly, not knowing how to reply.
"Is it because of me? Are you scared of what would happen if my dad found out about what I feel for you?" he took a few steps closer to fill in the ones Alister had taken back, tail whipping from side to side, baring his fangs. "Are you scared of me opening my fucking mouth, and ruining whatever slim chance you believe you might still have with him? Or are you scared of your own feelings for me? Which is it?!"
Silence.
"Answer me!"
"Ratchet, don't make this any harder than it needs to be. Go away," he said through his teeth, trying to remain composed despite his blatant provocation.
"No!" he said stubbornly, "you might like running away from your problems when they grow too big to handle like a coward, but I'm not doing that." The pride in his voice seemed reminiscent of a younger Kaden, full of passion, full of hubris, but it also seemed aeons away from him. This was Ratchet's own way of maturing, molded by his father, his mother, and molded by Alister himself.
If it was in any other context, he would be so proud.
"I'm staying here until you tell me why. You owe that much at least," Ratchet said, crossing his arms, and planting his feet solidly on the ground.
Alister looked down, ears flopping slightly. He knew the boy wasn't going to give it up, and he knew that using force would only make things worse. Besides… he was not a coward.
"I can't do this anymore," the elder muttered, and Ratchet realized he was breathing so loud, that he was barely able to hear Alister clearly. "I used to think that being in your father's life in any way that he'd allow me to would be enough, but I was only fooling myself. I was gifted the chance to see his beautiful smile every day, but he wasn't smiling because he was with me. I was never a direct source of his happiness like I wanted..." Alister turned his back to the younger Lombax, resuming packing the clothes spread all over his bed inside a bag.
"He was so happy when you were born," Alister continued, a sigh leaving his lips, "You were everything to him. Kaden only ever had eyes for you and for your mother, and I hated you both so much for it," he paused, clutching fabric in his hands tightly, "I stopped hating you long ago, because I realized it wasn't your fault or your mother's, but my own. It was all my fault, for not claiming what was meant to be mine when I had a chance, because I was too afraid of how he might react. So I never told him. But you already know that."
Alister glanced out through the balcony, the pale light from one of the moons catching his attention for just a moment, as it peeked from behind a dark cloud.
"I'm probably as much of a coward as you think I am," he chuckled humorlessly, tossing the shirt he had in his hands on the ground. "I wasn't even able to tell the man I loved what I felt for him. Not even when I said goodbye, despite believing he should know. But, well," he slid the zipper on the bag, satisfied with what he would be carrying. "It's too late now in any case. I can't even tell if what I feel now is love for him, or love for you, for the both of you... I don't know. I don't know, and it's too much, and I need to get away before it all goes to shit."
Ratchet kept his eyes on the older Lombax, seeing him sit on his own bed with a face that hinted he was suddenly too exhausted to be standing.
The boy observed him for a moment, waiting for him to speak, waiting for him to do something. And when he did none of those, he approached him slowly, until he felt it would be fine to sit by his side. The white Lombax kept his red gaze on his own lap.
A smaller, gentle hand reached out to hold the elder's, and the boy smiled when he saw the other not cowering away from his touch.
"Alister," he said softly, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb, feeling the softness of his silver fur, and the roughness of it when he stroked it against the grain.
It was a gift to see him coming apart at the seams, the color slowly bleeding from his aching soul, just as it had been doing since long before Ratchet was born. A gift, not because it gave the youngest any joy to see him crumbling down from the heaviness of his heart, but because it meant Alister trusted him enough to let him see his vulnerability, his weakness. And that meant the whole world to Ratchet.
"Alister," he said his name again, softly, getting the elder to meet his eyes at last, "I know I'm not much of a consolation prize, but if you let me, I'll make you happier than my father would have ever been able to."
The older Lombax kept his eyes on him, simply admiring the determination in his bright eyes, until he let out a laugh.
"Don't laugh at me," the boy said, offended, and it only made Alister laugh even more, as if he couldn't help it.
"I'm not laughing at you. Not really," he said, teeth poking out from under his lips as he chuckled. "I just think this whole thing is kind of messed up. You turned twenty-two last summer, and, look at me," he motioned to himself with his free hand, not wanting to let go of Ratchet's hold. "What can an old Lombax like myself even offer someone like you?"
"Eh, I don't know, General. I'll take whatever you throw my way," Ratchet shrugged, gifting him a playful smile.
"You deserve better. Someone your age," he said, serious.
"I don't want anyone else," he quickly replied, stubborn.
"Your father will be outraged. With you and me both," Alister's voice remained somber, as if he were trying to make him see the grave consequences that awaited him. "Not to mention your mother's angst."
"I can live with all that. Can you?"
"I... I'm not sure," he said, and he was honest. He really had no idea if he could bare the thought of Kaden coming for his neck for "perverting" his only son, with green eyes ablaze, and hateful words dripping poison.
Ratchet was silent then, just considering this for a moment to make sure Alister knew he was actually listening to every word he said.
Then, he shifted closer to rest his head on the man's shoulder, as he sometimes did as a child when he sought the elder's attention. The white Lombax placed a hand between the boy's ears gently, petting him, to then lower his lips to the top of his fuzzy head to kiss it.
Ratchet took the opportunity to look up into his eyes, half expecting him to turn away, but Alister didn't move. Instead, he touched his forehead with his, simply staring at him for a long, tense moment.
"Kiss me," Ratchet whispered, wanting Alister to be the one to make the decision, unlike the first time, when he had felt bold enough to demonstrate his true feelings.
He expected the elder to turn him down with a shake of his head, and an excuse. But the young man's heart clenched in his chest when he felt the other breathe out of his nose in the form of a brief chuckle, his angled face tilting before he pressed his mouth against his.
It was sweet and soft, and spoke of the gentle affection he had for him. But it was brief, and when they parted, they returned to pressing their foreheads together.
"Now what?" a smile danced on Alister's mouth, red eyes fixed on his green irises.
"Do it again," Ratchet said through a breath, and Alister obeyed.
Their lips clashed harder than before, a small, brief moan vibrating in Ratchet's throat at the contact. Alister's hand lifted to gently stroke the other's cheek as he kissed him, feeling the fur in his fingertips brush against the other's, and hearing the youngest's tail smack the mattress from excitement alone.
Ratchet tried moving on the bed, leaning back on it and guiding Alister along with him with a hand on his nape, until they were laying on their sides with their elbows holding their weight, sharing a deeper kiss. As their lips parted in unison, curious tongues slithered out to meet each other halfway, slippery and hot. Soon they found their way inside the other, tasting and exploring, eliciting excited shivers from the least experienced one.
It didn't take long for both of them to begin breathing heavy, their blood rapidly coming to a boil as they refused to stop, drowning in the wonderful sensation of their tongues brushing together.
Suddenly, Ratchet followed his impulsivity through to move and sit on top of Alister instead, his packed bag hitting the ground with a thud when it became apparent it was nothing but a nuisance.
The boy dove down to catch his lips again, tongue pushing past his teeth and curling around Alister's, brows knitted together and eyes shut as he tasted him. His hands roamed free over the sides of the man's beautiful body, from his wide shoulders, to his ribs, over his chest, and up to his face to cradle it lovingly as he kissed him.
In a second, Ratchet's back was suddenly pressed against the mattress, his body receiving Alister's full weight on top of him, heavy and exciting. He felt so small crushed between the bed and Alister's wide chest, his strong hands running down his slender thighs, feeling him up with such intent that it was evident he had been craving this type of action for a long time.
"Alister," Ratchet breathed out weakly, legs spreading and tangling around him to be pinned down more comfortably. His smaller hands reached around the white Lombax's back to dig his fingertips there, desperate to feel him closer, his teeth clashing with his as their kisses became more heated.
Outside, the rain had started, advancing much like a curtain being drawn over the desert. The noise of the thick droplets drumming down on the world was almost enough to cover the gasp that escaped Ratchet when the older Lombax found his neck with his teeth. It wasn't enough, however, to muffle the moan that tore through him as their hips grinded together once, twice.
Ratchet begged the gods for this to not be a dream.
He could feel his skin burning under his prickled, golden fur, and could feel the tight warmth pooling on his abdomen. He could feel the strain in his muscles as he tensed up, and could feel Alister's own radiating body heat melting with his - could sense his smell, hear his gasps, feel his pulse under his fingertips right at his neck - It was an overwhelming mixture of sensations, and he felt he couldn't possibly keep up with it all and not drown in them in the process.
He felt the older man grind against him again, and he felt it to be too much.
"Fuck me," he demanded, head falling back as he felt sharp teeth digging on his neck again. They stayed there, dangerously close to ripping his skin, and he wondered how something so animalistic could feel both so loving, and so hot at the same time.
He felt Alister remove his mouth from the spot, a thin coat of saliva adhering to his fur where his tongue had touched it, and Ratchet fleetingly thought he'd go for another kiss instead.
Using his hands to push himself up, Alister held his own weight and stared down at the golden Lombax under him.
It was such a gorgeous sight: Ratchet's hooded, dilated eyes, his parted lips, his small chest heaving as he tried to get enough air inside his lungs, the poof of his tail jerking from side to side as he felt so thoroughly watched. The more he looked at him, the more the elder wished he could preserve that instant in his mind forever, even well after the younger one moved on with his life.
Alister leaned down to kiss his forehead gently, and then moved away from Ratchet to sit beside him on the bed instead. The other quickly sat up as well, a puzzled look in his eyes.
"What is it?" he said, seeing Alister lick his lips over and take a deep breath.
"It's a little too fast," he explained, and Ratchet couldn't help but to snort.
"Yeah, maybe. But we don't have a lot of time," he said, bringing his knees towards himself to hug them, his eyes casted down, "... you're still leaving, aren't you?"
"I am."
Ratchet kept his eyes on his lap, teeth working over his lower lip.
"Take me with you."
There was a long pause as Alister looked out through the open balcony door, watching the lights going out one after the other in the opposite building. It was getting late.
"Your father would never forgive me. Or you, for that matter."
"Oh, enough about him," Ratchet waved a dismissive hand, rolling his eyes, "He'll get over it."
"You're underestimating just how furious he might be."
"I'll cross that bridge once I get to it," he shrugged. "I'm tired of trying to live the way he wants me to. I wanna just... do something for myself. Get out of this place, see this galaxy and the ones beyond, go on risky adventures and do things that actually mean something… and be with you."
Alister was quiet as he considered this, a heavy, tired sigh leaving his mouth after a while.
"Go home," he said, his eyes fixing on the younger one.
Ratchet opened his mouth to protest, but he was interrupted before he could get a word out.
"Go home and pack only what you'll need. Be sure no one sees you leave. I'll take my ship into the desert, meet me there before dawn." Ratchet's eyes widened, his chest feeling impossibly tight. "You know where to find me. I'll wait for you until the first signs of dawn, so don't be late."
The sand was still moist as he made his way through the desert, leaving footprints as he went that would disappear by the time the sun was high in the sky in just a few hours.
Small pools of water reflected the stars watching his every move, promising to keep the secret of his escape, and Ratchet wondered if he would miss the vast expanse of sand reaching as far as he could see in the moonlight.
He made it to the place Alister had parked his ship just an hour before dawn, and he found him sitting in the driver's seat, looking at the horizon through the glass.
Just before climbing into the ship, Ratchet looked at the largest moon in the sky one last time, and double checked his memories to make sure he had left the note somewhere visible. He didn't want his parents to freak out, after all. Not more than they would freak out after reading it, not knowing where he was at, and fearing the worst.
'There's no use in lying to you, when you'll figure out the truth eventually in any case.'
His handwriting had been as neat as his mother had taught him to make it when he first learned to write, and the finished product would have made her proud, no doubt. Its only defect was the blotch of ink his tears had caused near the end of the page, erasing a word he hoped wouldn't be missed.
'I don't know where we're going, if things will work out, or if I'm making a huge mistake.'
Ratchet climbed into the seat next to Alister and buckled himself in, his own words echoing now in his mind.
'But I do know that I've never loved anyone like I love him, and that I can't let him go.
Not without me.'
He threw his bag in the back absentmindedly, finally glancing at the older Lombax with expectant eyes, trying to place his attention solely on him.
"Good timing. I was just about to leave," Alister said, returning his gaze.
"Would have stolen my dad's ship to follow you if I didn't make it," he said with a playful grin.
Ratchet saw a half smile pull at the elder's lips, just before he began tapping the screen in front of him to bring the ship to life. His hand came down to rest once he was done, and Ratchet was quick to grab it, needing to hold on to him as he left behind not just his parents and everyone he knew, but also his home of a lifetime.
"Solstice," Alister spoke, addressing the ship. "Mark course for the Solana galaxy."
"If your destination is another furry hotspot, then I'm crashing on purpose. Nothing sets off my allergies like you people," Solstice responded in a rude and robotic male voice.
Alister ignored the remark with a roll of his eyes, hearing Ratchet chuckle to himself quietly. The elder was able to perceive the nervousness soaking his laugh, and read it on his body language, from his pushed back ears, to his barely controlled wagging tail. Concerned, he threaded his fingers with the younger one's, holding his hand tight and feeling the other squeeze back twice as hard as the ship's engine began to roar.
"Are you sure about this?" Alister whispered, eyes staring ahead and away from the youngest.
"One hundred percent," Ratchet lied with determination, swallowing hard.
The golden Lombax saw a smile spread on Alister's face as he turned to look at him with affection in his eyes, and the boy swore he felt all of his worries fade away instantly.
Blue tongues of fire licked at the sand before the ship finally took off, and in a second, they were nothing more than a shooting star, joining the rest in the black firmament.