Fandom – Gravitation / グラビテーション
Title – surpassing obsession.
Rating – PG-13
Pairing – tatsuha x hiro, hiro + shuichi, tatsuha + ryuichi, ryuichi + shuichi
Description – A drunk Tatsuha suddenly shows up on Hiro's doorstep. What's a nice guy to do?

Disclaimer – Gravitation and its songs aren't mine, but the translation for Predilection is.

surpassing obsession.
by miyamoto yui

He showed up on my doorstop with a duffle bag on his shoulder and waved at me. "Hello, Hiro-san, I've run away from home…temporarily. Let me hide here, k?"
Thump.

With wide eyes, I blinked at him as he fainted on my feet and fell into a deep sleep.

"Oi." I nudged him with my foot. "Oi, Tatsuha-san~?"

My eyes blinked some more and I shook my head while twitching. What was I supposed to do for a guy whose mouth was drooling as he said, "Ryuichi-sama!"
Being the way I was, I sighed and bent down. "Alcohol?" I questioned as I smelled it coming from his breath. Then, I stood up to put my cigarette out and came back to drag him across the doorway and into the middle of the apartment. After closing the door, I put his stuff on one of the chairs and looked at him sleeping like a baby with his flushed cheeks mumbling his fanboy mantra.
Because he was in the way, I, somehow, carried him to the bed. I tucked him and shook my head again.

As I leaned on the balcony while smoking, I looked up to the sky filled with nothing but stars, despite all the smog. I pressed my fingers to my forehead and went back to think about what to do about tomorrow's recording. How was I going to describe to Shuichi how to sing the lyrics I made without making it seem like they were especially created about him?
Yes, I was truly stupid. How could I have ever fallen in love with such an idiot? "Because you're contagious. A disease that slowly takes away your sanity."

Love truly sucked.
I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't. It was better this way than him figuring anything out…

Glancing at my watch, I went back inside. I needed to get enough sleep, or at least close my eyes despite all my restlessness.

As I stood over my bed wanting to ask Tatsuha to leave, I just couldn't. He had an all too familiar troubled expression on his face. So, in the end, I shrugged my shoulders. "Why am I always like this?"
I reached over him to get the other blanket on the bed. As I did so, he turned over and suddenly smiled while encircling my waist with both of his arms.
"Hey!" I shouted.
"Mm-hm, Ryuichi-sama?" He snuggled closer to me and I tried to pull away. It didn't work. The more I struggled, the more his hold would become a little tighter.
I tilted my head in defeat.
Finally, his fingers grabbed onto the end of my white tank top. "Today, just stay with me…"

At a loss, I sat there as he hugged me like Shuichi used to whenever he had nightmares. I found myself patting his head and sighing all over again.
"I need to sleep," I whined quietly.

Sitting on the bed, I turned off the light and positioned myself by leaning my back on the wall. He still held onto me and continued to mumble incomprehensibly.

Without thinking, I ran my fingers through his soft hair, and said, "Shuichi…"

At the mention of his name from my lips, I took my hand away and drifted off to sleep with my heart cringing, almost not wanting tomorrow to come. I didn't want to deal with it just yet.

+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

Before my alarm went off, I was already awake. I opened my blurry eyes to find myself staring at the ceiling while my neck throbbed in pain.
Yes, that was right. Wasn't I sleeping against the wall? Where's Tatsuha?

Before I asked any more questions inside my confused head, I dragged myself out of bed to see him cooking over the stove. I leaned forward in disbelief as he waved his hand at me before putting it back on the frying pan handle. "Good morning!"
I scratched the back of my head while yawning. "Well, aren't we peppy. Do you usually wake up this early?"
My hand grabbed onto the closest wooden chair feeling as if I was the one who drank yesterday. I looked at him as he tugged on the shirt wrapped around his waist. "Yeah, because sometimes I've got some 'monk duties' before school. And speaking of, I'm used to making breakfast with an apron so I borrowed this. I picked one up from the floor."
I nodded my head not caring for the shirt until he said, "But there was one that had Ryuichi-sama's scent so I'm going to keep that and buy you a new one."
"Excuse me?" I sleepily put my head into my arms folded on the table. "We started recording yesterday and we passed by Nittle Grasper in the hall…you can tell that kind of thing?"

That's scary. I just couldn't say so, but then again, Shuichi could too.
Why did I voluntarily want to be surrounded by psychos? I suddenly sympathized with Seguchi-san and Noriko. Ryuichi was probably five times worse than these two combined…

He nodded his head. "Of course. Remember that time I asked you-"
I put my hand up. "Don't let me remember that."
Tatsuha winked as he came over to me. He bent down to whisper into my ear, "You're as hot as you always are. And it wouldn't be bad to sleep with me because that's what I'm good at. It could serve as my exchange."
"Go back to cooking, kid."

And he did just that, but inside, I shivered unconsciously at the thought of the time he asked for Sakuma's phone number. Those eyes haunted me for days and they weren't even meant for me…
Feeling violated by just a look…

"So, why are you here and not staying with your brother and Shuichi?" I asked while straightening up. "Ite."
I hunched over a little because my neck really hurt.

He turned off the left burner and came over to me. Without asking me, he just started to massage my neck. I closed my eyes and leaned my head forward as his thumbs rubbed mercilessly onto my flesh.
"I can't let them know I'm here."

His tone was instantly serious and low. I didn't know what to make of it because he was behind me so I couldn't figure out how to react.

"Any particular reason?"
"I wasn't supposed to come visit because entrance exams start today."
I raised my voice a bit, not wanting to hit my palm against my forehead. Shuichi and he were so alike. "And you're still here to see Sakuma-san?"

He continued to massage my neck and though it was painful, it felt really good. It helped me relax before the recording today. But I pressed, "You should go home."

"Ryuichi-sama is more important to me than any exam. Even if…" he stopped talking.
"'Even if' what?" I asked as he took his hands away from my shoulders.
"The miso's going to boil over," he announced and cut off my question while heading over to the stove to turn the knob to 'off' for the right burner.

As I looked at him, he stared at the white wall in front of him. "Please let me stay here while I think things out. I promise not to bother you."
Looking at him, I felt kind of bad. For some strange reason, it was as if I was looking at my own reflection. I just couldn't understand why.
I couldn't believe it when I said, "It can't be helped since you like him so much, but if you're staying here, you'll have to study."
He nodded his head as a small smile came to his lips. Tatsuha put fried fish, miso, and rice in front of me with some kind of fruit to one side. Then, he turned his head to me with a sigh. "Please don't tell them I'm here."
"Got it."

I didn't know what I was getting into, but I couldn't refuse that pleading face.

"Itadakimasu!" we both said.
But as soon as I was going to ask what he was thinking about, he shoved his chopsticks to my lips. As soon as I ate it, I blurted out, "This is really good. Who would have thought you could cook?"

He put up a victory sign with his fingers. "I have to be worthy of being Ryuichi-sama's bride!"
Folding his arms, he nodded proudly to himself. "Mm hmm!"
"Ah, yes…" I laughed while eating more and more of his food. I was so distracted because I was in such awe of its taste that I forgot all about my question.

But one thing was true: Just like me, you'd become anything for the person you cared for the most.

+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

Surprisingly, even though he implied he'd be coming, he was nowhere in sight.

I looked around for Tatsuha. For some reason, I expected him to be here. After all, this was THE Sakuma Ryuichi fan. I'd heard too many stories from Shuichi that Yuki told him to know that Tatsuha was more than infatuated.
Fanatical enough to stay with someone he didn't really know except for Ayaka-san and Shuichi…

But I was too busy to think any more about it.

As I played the guitar, Suguru pressed his fingers quickly on the notes of the synthesizer. Even though the fast tempo seemed like a mixing of sounds and beats, each of our parts were distinct, yet blended well together. I smiled as Shuichi held his headphones when he started to sing.

He squeaked. The recording was cut again for the seventeenth time.
"I'm sorry!" he yelled as he shook his head. "I can't get this Hiro. It's so different from everything we've done."
"And that's good," I said while walking over to pat his back. "We're always challenging ourselves."

Even Suguru came over to squeeze his shoulder in his stoic manner. He was having a difficult time with the song too. He was so serious that I hadn't seen him this frustrated as the time we first worked together while rearranging 'The Rage Beat'.
I almost wanted to apologize for making it so hard, but all I could do was pat his head while messing up his hair. He let out a little relaxed grin while heading back to his place.

"Until now, I can't do this," Shuichi told himself in disappointment.
Before he would hit the bottom of this, I immediately took off the strap of my guitar and put it to the ground. I wrapped my arms around his waist to calm him down while whispering, "Sing this as if you were reaching for a dream you couldn't have. As if it's the last thing you're singing while dying somewhere, but you're still thinking of that dream deep inside. That's what this song is about. Got it?"
I smiled as best as I could.

That's what this song was about: You.
As long as you couldn't figure it out then I could go on as I did…

He nodded his head slowly. I let go as he grabbed my arms. "Thank you, Hiro! I get it now! Yosh!"

When we started to record, his whole air was different as his fingers touched the headphones. I watched his whole figure from behind. This was the person who rarely came out, but it was the one that imprisoned me with his energy and warmth. His craziness somehow became my tangible justification of hope itself.

He would always be a dream I reached for, but got burned for coming too close.

And when we were done, we all sighed in relief and laughed. But then we hung our heads because only one song was done. We were behind schedule next to Nittle Grasper.
As Shuichi was fixing up the music sheets before him with a silly smile at his achievement for the day, I looked up to the booth when they gave us a thumbs up. But to one side, there was Sakuma Ryuichi tipping his cap over his serious face. I followed his eyes to the thing he was staring intently at without discretion or shame.

It was Shuichi.

When my stomach churned nervously and my heart turned beside itself, the idol of Japan turned around before I could blink.

+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

"Okaeri!" he called as soon as I came through the threshold. I was a bit surprised because I wasn't used to having someone home with me.
"Hey, Ryuichi freak," I teased while coming into the room.
Tatsuha pouted and went back to studying while something was boiling on the stove. It was kind of nice to smell something throughout my small apartment.

He was deep in thought into his textbook, but it fell down and I found him reading a music magazine article. I eyed him as he turned his head to me. "Eh heh heh."
And here I was going to praise him too! I swatted the back of his head with an annoyed expression on my face. "Tatsuha~…"

When we ate, we talked for hours about a lot of things, but when we cleared off the table, we stared at one another. He excitedly asked, "So how was the recording?"
Normally, I thought he'd ask this first. So, I was a little disturbed by how late the question came.

And some part of me didn't want to answer because of what I saw earlier…
Was I thinking too much? Sometimes I hated myself for being understanding and smart.

I drank some beer as he waited for my answer with that concentrated look of his. "It went better than expected. We actually finished one song. We're a little behind, but it's better than Shuichi being in a slump and the rest of us feeling down. I'd rather run ragged like this."
He nodded his head as he reached over the table to grab a hold of my sleeve. "Did you see him? Did you see my Ryuichi-sama?"
At this, he appeared almost desperate. These eyes were a little bit more downcast than the last time about a year ago, but they were just as powerful as before.

If not more.

"Yeah. He's looking as cool as ever." I shook my head and laughed to myself. Even I couldn't deny how awesome he was.
Tatsuha nodded his head and smiled from ear to ear. "That's good."
"I thought you'd be there trying to harass him," I joked while leaning forward with our heads only a few inches away from each other. "Isn't that why you're here?"
He instantly let go of my shirt sleeve. "I…"

That forlorn look…

Then, he got up and bit his lip with a determined, fiery look in his eyes. He lifted up his fist to the air. "I'm thinking of a plan!"
With that, he turned around to roll his sleeves up his arms to start washing the dishes.

I didn't know what to make of his mixed reactions, but I got up and went outside. It seemed that we both needed space. Badly.

I watched the cloudy, moonless sky above me.

Even though I was anxious over Ryuichi's gaze and enamored by the tenderness of Shuichi's voice while singing, I couldn't help but worry over Tatsuha. As the water was running, he was singing Predilection as best as he could.
But he couldn't get through half of the song. His voice started to waver when he sang,

"Can't get enough. Beautiful night,
Don't let me down. Again, even if I keep running,
One more night. Whom can't I run away from?
Also, I don't want to realize there's nothing there. That that is the truth."

He stopped and I looked at him as he hung his head over the sink while holding onto the sides. His bangs covered his face, as if blocking out the tears he didn't want to cry.

I didn't really know him and I didn't want to crowd him so I left him alone. That was exactly how I felt like right now, so I didn't know how to comfort him.

Because of my pride, I didn't ask to be held or to hold onto something.

+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

For the next three days, the scenes repeated in my head. Ryuichi's eyes…Shuichi's song…Tatsuha's half-covered face.

I almost forgot about my own inner dilemma because of these things.

As I recorded every day with my group, I anticipated for Tatsuha to come. In his place, Sakuma would visit like a shadow that just showed up and left just as mysteriously. He'd wave at Shuichi with Kumagorou in his hands, but that was the signal that he would be leaving. Shuichi, of course, was ecstatic while Suguru hung his head in exasperation. This was just as bad as a slump! Only, the difference was that he was on a real high.
I couldn't help but laugh at everything, but the image of Tatsuha leaning over the sink wouldn't leave my mind. It lingered more than it should have.

"Ow." My guitar string broke.
I sucked on my finger as Shuichi fussed over me and I kept on saying it was all right. Because this was a customized guitar particularly made for this recording, we had to stop recording for the day for it to be repaired. Some people were kind of happy about this.

When we were leaving, Shuichi took my bandaged finger and kissed it saying, "Be careful next time."
I shook my head in frustration and because I was so flustered inside, happy at his touch. "You make a big deal out of everything."
He held my hand in between both of his and looked to my face with a solemn gaze. "You're distracted over something. You shouldn't hurt yourself that way, Hiro."
My eyes widened a bit at him as the silence passed through the empty studio and into my ears. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't. "Sometimes I don't like what you can see, Shu."
Shuichi kissed my finger again. There was a little blood coming through. He let go of my hand all together. While walking away, he said, "Whenever you do these things, it hurts me too."
He turned around and grinned in a wistful manner. "Whatever you do, you are always in here."
He patted his heart two times and turned around.

I stood there for a while feeling dejected.

As much as I was the 'good guy', I could never be as honest as that. Even if you didn't figure out the reason, you always knew what to say.

I wondered why these things couldn't come out through your lyrics.
While going home, I concluded, "Because you feel through everything…even when you know it won't be so pretty. And words won't help. I'm not as strong as you think I am, Shuichi. Not like you."

I'm nice because I hope someone will act like this towards me…

It was only five in the afternoon when I came home, and Tatsuha wasn't there. I called out his name and I was a little sad when there was no response. There was no letter explaining where he was. Nothing at all. Not that he had to tell me anyway.
"Did you go home already?"

Having said this, my heart kind of ached. Maybe I was just used to him being here slacking off with his studies or cooking. I was already associating him with the scenery here.

I was becoming more attached than I thought or wanted…

When he came home an hour later, I woke up to the sounds of pots and pans clacking against one another. He was starting dinner and I was waking up from a nap. I turned over and called, "Hey you!"
"Hi!" he shouted back with a smile in his voice.

In a way, I was relieved…

"Where'd you go?" I asked while getting up. "I thought you'd left to go back to Kyoto already."
"I am. I'm going back tonight after dinner," he told me as I sat on one of the dining room chairs.
"Oh." I answered with all my energy sucked out in that one response.

Why was I acting like such a brat? He had to go home and I'd be free of his pushy ways, right?

He cut up vegetables. "I just went over to the zoo and walked around. That's all."
"Why'd you go there? I really thought you'd come to the studio some time. He's going to be there for a couple of more days before touring."
"I did."
"Huh?"

Tatsuha stopped cutting and wiped his hands over the dirty make-shift apron. "I went there as soon as I arrived here. I jumped on my motorcycle as soon as I heard the news because it was my Honey." He laughed to himself. "This was Ryuichi-sama after all…"
"But when I got there, I miraculously got through all the defenses. Tohma-san has probably found out I was there in the building. It was only a matter time until they'd find me so that's why I'm leaving after we eat."
"Did you see Sakuma-san?"

Tatsuha turned his head and smiled. He came over and to me and nodded. "Yup. I saw my awesome idol, but he didn't see me. He was outside of your recording room mumbling to himself, but when I slipped my head out of the corner, I saw Tohma-san next to him. And I could clearly hear Ryuichi-sama saying, 'I'm in love with Shuichi, but I can't do anything about it. Aren't you going to reprimand me like you always do?' I couldn't move at that moment because he was as serious as he was whenever he sang."

I couldn't breathe at that moment.
I knew that too well…

And then, Tatsuha put his arms around me and sat on my lap, holding onto me for dear life. He closed his eyes tightly and he was honestly crying, despite all his usual confidence.

That's why he needed to think things over…

After all, even with all these wild escapades and arrogance, he was just a seventeen-year-old in love with someone he truly admired.

I was pained for the both of us and I was thinking of Shuichi while he thought of Ryuichi…

I wrapped my arms around him. "So why did you come here? Because you couldn't face them?"
"It's not that I couldn't talk to my brother and tell him anything. No matter what, I could always tell him anything. And I can't face Shuichi-san right now…" He buried his head onto my shoulder and cried even more, but quietly sobbed. "My brother would have scolded me and Shuichi-san, even though it's not his fault, he's the person I want to be most right now. There's no way I can look him in the eye."
"So what has this got to do with me?"
"When Ayaka-san and Shuichi-san told me about you, they told me you were nice. Even though I scared you a while ago, I knew that you were very kind. And right now, I just needed someone who would talk to me without telling me how stupid I am for not taking those exams or coming here to have my heart broken. I don't want to hear about how dumb I am because I already know. I KNOW!"
At that moment, I held onto him as best as I could.

But after dinner, my cell phone went off. It was Shuichi asking if I'd seen Tatsuha. I looked at Tatsuha.
"No," I told him.
Click.

Not telling him I loved him was the only lie I thought I'd ever tell him…

Tatsuha put on his jacket and put his duffle bag over his shoulder. He smiled despite everything. "Thank you for everything. I'll make it up to you sometime. Sorry that I have to leave so suddenly."

When he turned around to leave, I wanted to grab his shoulder. But that would have been dumb because he would've thought that I was doing it out of pity. And for me, I didn't want to be selfish for wanting him to stay…

"Bye."
The door closed behind him and I couldn't move.
I couldn't even say goodbye.

I was shaking all over and I didn't know what to do.

But then, something inside of me said, "Be selfish for once, Hiro. How many times will you let people go because you're trying to be considerate, thinking up a decision for them?"

I found myself running out the door and calling down at him from the second floor as he was walking over to his motorcycle. "Tatsuha! Tatsuha!"
He turned around and looked up.

"Don't go."

His eyes watched me in disbelief. I wasn't as calm and collected as I always was. I probably looked as if I'd lost my mind. I was so sorry for disturbing my neighbors, but I had to do what I wanted once in a while, right?
"Stop being so nice. You don't have to make me feel better anymore. Thank you, all right?"
Tatsuha was going to turn around.
"I'm going to jump down from here if you walk away from me."
"Hiro-san, what has gotten into you?" The seventeen-year-old sighed at me.
"I'm not the kind to just say things when I don't mean them. Even you know that deep inside, don't you? Tatsuha, even if you won't believe me, I've gotten used to you being here. I like the way you cook and the way you get excited about the things you love. I admire you for being able to face up to reality, unlike me."

I closed my eyes and I tried not to cry. I opened them again and looked straight at him with an intensity even greater than Shuichi's or Ryuichi's. "So, I'm telling you now…please stay here. Not for your sake, but mine. Even if it's a selfish and unreasonable, stay with me."

He shook his head at me and sighed. I looked away because there was nothing left to be said.

I had tried…and failed again…

But when I lifted up my head to say goodbye to him, he was down the hallway walking towards me. Without a word, he took a hold of my waist and pushed me through the door while throwing his bag back in.
As he pressed his leg between both of mine while my back was against the back of the closed door, he took a hold of my chin and stared at me with those ferocious, unwavering eyes that defined him as an Uesugi. "You had to go and look at me like that, didn't you?"
Then, he kissed me and took his head away from our messy kiss. A flavor still too shortly tasted, I craved for more.

"Now I don't have to hold back like I did all those nights I was here."
"You were?"
He nodded.
"Do you think about sex all the time?"

Not that that was irrational due to his great sexual appeal…

"Not all the time…I think."

At that moment, he started to unbutton my shirt as I kissed him deeper…
Acting as we'd never done this with anyone before.

Maybe that was true because we'd been so focused on one person all our lives that we thought we couldn't feel that way about anyone else. So even if this didn't make sense at all, or it was too short to mean anything yet, just like the people we admired and loved with all our heart, we finally could become as passionate and tough as them. We could finally embed these traits we thought we could never possess.

And without saying it aloud, as we made love on the bed all night long, we knew we would surpass them.

Free from our heart-eating obsessions, we would finally let ourselves be happy.

Owari.
-
Author's note – I need crack. I'm depressed and there's no School Rumble in my home. I am completely sad so if this fic makes no sense whatsoever…Hee. ^_^
Now, why in the world would I put this from (poor) Hiro's perspective? Because he's a little bit easier to figure out than fanboy Tatsuha. XD That's the only rational thing about the fic. *lol*

Han Yee, damn you for being my yaoi friend. This is my thank you for inspiring me in some strange ways…er, yeah, we'll leave it at that (and for Wild Adapter XD)!
And, this is also dedicated to anyone's who's ever been indirectly dumped.

Unexpectedly, I love this fic a lot and so I hope you enjoyed it as well.

Love,
Yui

Sunday, July 17, 2005
5:31:11 AM