Revelations
It's not often thought about how much songs can teach you. About life, about love, about friendship, and all the ups and downs that those things bring.
It's not often thought about, but, Naruto thought, maybe it should be.
Is this really what love is supposed to be like?
Was that amount of trust really shown to people?
How? How do people do it?
Show others how much is wrong with them, and yet still...still, they're accepted, they're still loved…
I don't get it.
Naruto never opened up to people. It just wasn't something he found easy. Some things, sure. The things he chose to show to everyone he constantly ran on repeat, and that was it. And nobody questioned it. His sense of humor was a little bit too dark, and his actions were a little bit too rambunctious, and playful, for anyone to ask.
Because the fact of the matter is that humans are selfish creatures. They only see what it is they want to see. So when they saw Naruto, everything Naruto showed was all. They never considered that maybe there might be more. And, for all Naruto cared, that was okay.
So Naruto never opened up to people. He didn't like people in his head.
His head was a scary place.
His head was a place where he feared it when anyone got mad, even if there was no reason for it. He didn't want to get hurt. So he stayed the peacemaker as much as he could. There was no reason to fear injury, especially around his friends and adopted family, but still...something told him to watch out. Like everyone could betray him just like that.
His head was a place where he could never be sure of his friendships. He had a reason for this. He tried to project outwards, put on a happy face, and give his friends the attention they deserved. He always did things for them, as though the things he gave them would keep them around. Naruto knew, without his friends, he would be nothing. Probably dead, or soon to be, anyways. So he tried his hardest to prove to others that he was worth being around, even if it wasn't because of him but what he did. Because he could never be sure if his friends would leave him.
His head was a place where he could never do anything quite right. The story he wanted to write turned out illegible, the drawing he had worked on for hours abandoned and spilt coffee on, the quiz he had studied for failed, the girl he wanted took by another person. Anything. He could always see something in his work he wanted -needed- to change, but really, what was the point? He was the only person he was trying to impress. He was trying to show himself he could do these things, but, in the words of Marlin from Finding Nemo…"You just can't!"
His head was a place where if he showed these things to people, he would be rejected. Thrown to the side like an unwanted, rotten potato. Left to its own devices, composting. He would fade into the crowd. Be "that one kid". You know- the quiet one. The one that never speaks. The one that flinched at every sudden movement, held in tears at every mean comment.
So, his question was: where was the love that song talked about?
Where was the person who wouldn't interrupt when he needed to talk?
Who wouldn't roll their eyes, and get offended by the way he doubted if they were truly his friend?
Who would reassure him, telling him everything was going to be okay?
Who was there for HIM, when even he ignored himself, like everyone else, so that others would be okay.
Who would leave when he asked, knowing he wanted space?
Who would hold his hand when he felt like he was falling apart?
He sure didn't see anyone there. He didn't see anyone who would still stay, even after he shared everything he felt. All the doubt, the anxiety, the sadness, the self-hate that showed up somedays and then stayed absent others.
Who would want to be around that?
Who would want to stay?
He was so focused on fixing others, he couldn't fix himself. But, if he focused on fixing himself, those he had fixed would leave. And then, how would he ever fix himself?
He couldn't do it by himself. He just couldn't. But he couldn't cry out for help either. He didn't want to cry for help.
He didn't want to see the pity in their eyes.
He didn't want their sympathy.
He didn't want them to suffer because he was suffering.
Naruto was now curled up on the couch, clutching the blankets to his chest. He felt like he waas suffocating, just a little bit. Like the air had thinned, but he was still alive. Still pumping air, in and out, whether he liked it or not.
He refused to cry. It was a vow he had made a long time ago, after he had fallen off the swing and had been laughed at. He hated crying in front of others. He vowed he would try his hardest not to ever do that. And it just kind of ended up as- don't cry. He didn't want to look weak in front of others. He didn't want to look weak in front of himself.
He stayed like that for a while.
Sakura didn't show up. She didn't knock on the door, or come and check in, wondering how Naruto was.
Kakashi-sensei didn't inquire about him, wondering if he was well now, if he was annoying whoever was taking care of him while the blonde healed.
Iruka-sensei didn't visit, bringing gifts of ramen and hugs when Naruto needed it.
Gaara, who understood Naruto and could have calmed the blonde down, didn't come into his room in a swirl of sand and comfort him.
Sasuke didn't poof into existence, his mere presence showing Naruto he cared enough about him to even be there.
Tsunade-sama didn't come through his door in a fury, smiling fondly and giving him missions to take his mind off things.
Pervy Sage didn't kick open Naruto's window, beaming and trying to cheer Naruto with stupid TV shows and popcorn.
Because that's how life is. You try to grin and bear through the pain, and for a while, it seems to stop. And during that time, everyone's there. Everyone says things like, "You can talk to me anytime," But you can't. You don't have any way to talk to them when it's 12 at night and you can't sleep. You can't talk to them over the miles between you two.
Right when you need them, it's like they disappear. The feelings, the anxiety, it all comes swirling back, and in the end you drown. Alone.
Then the feelings leave again and the process starts all over again.
Until someone comes and breaks it.
But you don't know if someone will. You just hope. You cry, and you wish, but you don't know.