i.
The first time Johnny sees it, catches the sight of the flower in Ponyboy's hand, his eyes widen. He knows that Ponyboy's never been the most well person since his parents died. For weeks now, he's been coughing harsh, and hardly able to get out the house. He thought that the warmer air might be good to get into, get Ponyboy out of the house.
As the little yellow petal flies out of Ponyboy's covered hands and to the ground, Johnny doesn't know what to do except stare.
When the fit is over, Ponyboy looks drained, exhausted. He looks down at the petal, and avoids Johnny's eyes.
Johnny wants to ask, say something, anything, but the words gum up in his throat.
ii.
Hanahaki disease has never seemed real, until now. He knows that there are strains of it, that affect people in certain ways, bring out certain flowers to express the suppressed feelings that brought about the disease. Johnny knows about it from the movies mostly, of starlets with tears in their eyes, dying from unrequited love with pretty blooms, or being saved at the last minute by suitors with love declarations that are returned. They always seem to cough up roses or tulips.
He wonders about the yellow petal a lot, what it could mean, which strain it is. He doesn't entertain that what he's seeing might not be real: the way Ponyboy coughs, the way his body seems to rattle with each one, the secretive way he's carrying himself all point to it, that disease that arose because of unrequited feelings.
Johnny wonders about it, wonders if he should say anything and to who. The nervousness he already lives with constantly is so much higher now that he's understood why Ponyboy has been so pale lately, why he seems to avoid everyone.
He doesn't know why, but he thinks it's worse when he and Ponyboy see each other. Something about the way he seems alright before he comes out with Johnny, before he goes to the theater with him, it always seems that the coughs are wetter, rougher.
He bites his tongue when Sodapop mentions that it seems like Ponyboy's old cold is just staying a little too long, and goes out the door as soon as he can, unwilling to keep the secret to himself anymore.
iii.
"You think something's up with him?" Dallas asks as he leans back in the seat of the car, eyebrows working together. Johnny knows better than to lean as close as he wants to, glancing up from his sandwich as Dallas watches Ponyboy walk down the street, hands in his pockets. He had only seen Johnny to the car, and something about the way his shoulders had wracked with another harsh cough, told Johnny that it was bad, again. He hadn't seen any flowers escape Ponyboy's fingers in a week, but that didn't mean it wasn't happening. "Feel like he's had that nasty cough for months now."
Johnny hesitates. Even with how he and Dallas were now, even though Ponyboy was the only one who really knew, Ponyboy was still his best friend. And this disease… Ponyboy hadn't told him outright yet. And telling Dallas anything about it felt…. "I think Darry knows," he says, and his gut twists with the lie.
Dallas watches Ponyboy's frame shake, same as Johnny. He stops by the road, as if he might fall, and then he's back, walking, caught sight of Curly Shepard.
Dallas turns the key in the ignition, and he and Johnny drive to their own spot, away from everyone else.
iv.
Sometimes, the days are really good. Ponyboy seems to get color back, can run pretty damn fast. He can grin and laugh, and Johnny thinks maybe he's making it up.
As Dallas blares the horn of the car to catch their attention though, Johnny can see Ponyboy's body tense up. He's not sure if it's the surprise of the horn making him jump that triggers it, but this time, Ponyboy coughs and sputters so violently that even Dallas looks a bit regretful for his normal little prank.
"Get some water, Dal!" Johnny tries to thump Ponyboy's back, as he clutches at his throat, heaving and coughing. This time, there's no denial that Ponyboy retches up mud and bloom. It's all Johnny can do to quickly hide it before Dallas comes back with the cup of water.
Ponyboy gulps it down quick, but he's caught now.
v.
"You sure you should be smoking?" Johnny glances over to Ponyboy, at his reddened face. He'd been coughing harder than Johnny ever heard three minutes ago, and though Johnny had looked away, pretended not to know anything, he'd heard the heaving, the spit and the choking. The silence between them about what it is that's choking Ponyboy, about the flowers was growing and growing. It felt as if Johnny was sick, too, even.
Ponyboy shoots him a look that's half annoyed, half very, very guilty. He lights the cigarette anyway, voice exhausted, "It makes me feel better."
It hurts him, so fucking bad. "Pony-"
"Johnny, I just- I don't-," his voice sounds strained, on the edge of tears. Panic unfurls in Johnny, and he reaches out to comfort him.
Ponyboy looks scared for a moment - of what? why? - and then he's pulling Johnny closer, and he sobs into Johnny's shoulder for a long, long time.
Johnny walks him up to his house, and says, "You gonna tell 'em?"
Ponyboy looks exhausted as he nods. "Can you… don't tell 'em you knew, already."
Johnny's heart sinks.
vi.
Dallas pulls away, able to see Johnny's not up for a kiss, with how pale he is. "What's going on?"
"We gotta go to the Curtises," Johnny says, voice tiny in his own head.
Dallas looks confused, but he walks down the steps of Buck's anyway.
vii.
Ponyboy is in his room, and the hospital results are obviously right. It feels as if it had been when they'd found the Curtises dead: Dallas pacing in a length of the front room unable to do anything; Steve and Soda sitting beside each other with Soda's head in his hands, completely unable to speak; Two-Bit sober and quiet, and Darry having to deliver the news, shell shocked.
Johnny doesn't feel as guilty as he had before, and he can't stand it, sitting in the room, unable to do anything. He's the one who goes to Ponyboy and Soda's room. The one who sits on the bed, knowing that more than likely, Ponyboy had faked being asleep for everyone else.
They're best friends, and for the life of him, he doesn't know who it could be, who caused this, who Ponyboy could be thinking of, who he wanted like this.
He sits on the bed, and Ponyboy's back is to him. He looks ten pounds lighter than he had months ago, and Johnny can't stand it.
"Why can't you say who it is?"
Ponyboy curls in on himself. "It don't matter. They ain't gonna- it's not possible, to make them feel what they don't feel."
As painful as it is, it's the truth. Even Johnny knows that.
He does the only thing he can do: he lies down, wraps himself around Ponyboy. Pulls him close when Ponyboy starts to cough again, harder and harder until even Johnny can smell the dirt and the fragrant scent of flowers.
thanks so much for reading! i love any and all feedback.