Growing up, it was just the four of us, and Master Splinter. Between me and my brothers, life was great, sure we couldn't live a 'normal' life like the humans above us, but our father did what he could for us and then the rest of us helped out as much as we could, of course Donnie helped out the most with his big brain. We never went hungry, we had blankets and then heating, plenty of room and we were safe.

Apparently this wasn't enough, despite having plenty of room and plenty to do, I turned angry and would sometimes pick on my brothers because of that. Donnie and Mikey were my favourites to pick on, but when I punched Donnie in the face and caused the gap between his teeth, I started picking on him less and Leo more. Leo wasn't as fun.

I think that was around the time me and Leo started having problems...when I punched Donnie in the face. It's probably why I started to pick fights with him as well. I didn't mean to hit Donnie, I said sorry, I was punished for it, I didn't need all this shit from Leo as well. I guess he was just sucking up to Master Splinter, to be the perfect son.

I tried to ruin that by getting Leo to fight me, so that Master Splinter would punish him as well. It worked. A lot. Didn't stop sensei making him leader though. That pissed me off as well, not just because he became the leader and not me, but because of what happened a little while before.

I'll back up a little further to give some context for what I'm gonna say. When I was about eight or nine I was watching a show on tv and two of the main characters, both women, kissed. Sensei laughed at my reaction, shock and confusion. He explained that two men or two women could fall in love the same way as a man and a woman.

"So I could kiss a man if I wanted to?"

"Of course my son."

"Or a woman?"

"You may kiss men, women or both my son, whoever it is that will make you happy."

"At the same time?" That had made sensei laugh, but he nodded and assured me whoever I kissed wouldn't change who I was and that he'd love me no matter what.

It wasn't until years later I realised how lucky I was to have a father like Master Splinter. Plenty of parents wouldn't accept their kids sexuality being anything other than straight, people were even killed for being gay...that scared me and I spent a night in Master Splinter's room crying when I had found that out. Sensei knew my sexuality before I did and did everything he could to make me feel safe and accepted.

It was when I was around twelve that I began to realise my sexuality for myself. There was this woman that would host a game show I sometimes watched when there was nothing else on. She had a curvy figure, short blonde hair and blue eyes...she was hot. I even found myself thinking about her one night which led to my first wet dream and the first time I ever masturbated.

That kinda freaked me out, I ended up talking to Master Splinter about it, a talk I really wish I could have forgotten, but a week later he called me Leo, Donnie and Mikey into his room and gave us all 'the talk' including what he had told me the week before.

Mikey had made gagging noises among others but then over shared his personal habits. Donnie had said that he already knew everything that sensei was telling us and was more than happy to answer any questions we had about how our bodies would change as we got older. Leo didn't say anything. Neither did I.

But the next day Leo went into Donnie's lab, or what would his lab the next year, at the time it didn't have much besides some tables, chairs, an old computer and a bunch of broken things that sensei had found for him to fix up. Curious about what Leo was gonna ask Donnie, I listened in at the door.

Leo was nervous, so nervous his voice was shaking as he tried to speak. I almost felt bad for listening in and I was going to leave when...

"Is it normal to like guys?"

"Of course!" Donnie assured. "What makes you think that you like guys?" Donnie asked, always curious.

"You know sensei was talking about those dreams?" Leo said and Donnie nodded. "Well, I had one about...about a guy from a show..." Leo said and paused. Donnie waited to see if Leo was going to continue. "But..but I've had them about girls before."

"Maybe you're bisexual."

"Wh-what's that?"

"It's where you like both men and women." Donnie explained. I guess it was helpful listening in, even though I knew bisexuals existed because sensei had told me years ago, I now knew the actual word. I left after that, and went to pass some time before dinner.

I started to think about my sexuality more after that, now that I knew that I was bisexual. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got, not because I was bi, I had no problems with that, what got me angry was the fact I was never going to be able to be in a relationship because I couldn't leave the sewers.

All that anger mostly disappeared one day when me and Leo had a talk. I was watching TV late one night when Leo sat down next to me. He didn't say anything for almost ten minutes and then he spoke up.

"Can I talk to you about something?" He asked, staring straight forward, not looking at me.

"Yeah, sure, what about?"

"Do you ever wonder what it might be like if we could live above ground?"

"All the time." I answered honestly. "Gotta be better than living in the sewers."

"If we were accepted into society...we could go to school, make friends...have a life with someone."

"Sounds great...sucks to think about it though, we ain't ever gonna have that, apart from having a life with someone, we got each other."

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"I meant...having a life with someone, falling in love, getting married, having kids…" Leo said and turned to look at me, his eyes a darker blue than usual, something I'd noticed years before that happens when Leo is extremely upset about something.

"You think about that a lot?"

"Yeah." Leo admitted, and my heart just kinda ached for him, I had become angry about this but Leo had become saddened by it. I gave him a hug, something I didn't usually give my brothers, and told him that he could always talk to me about how he was feeling. I also admitted that it made me angry that we couldn't have that just because we were mutant turtles and humans wouldn't accept us with their small minds. If they couldn't accept their own species because of their race or sexuality, we had no hope.

We ended up talking to each other a lot more often after that, about anything and everything, even about the topic of who would be in charge if anything were to happen to Master Splinter, he told me that he didn't think he would be good in charge, even though he longed to be like his most loved television character, he didn't think he'd want to be put in those shoes.

Until Master Splinter decided to put him in them. And he loved it.

He decided that he was better than me, than all of us, and that he wanted all of us to follow every order that he gave us without an argument. He could shove that up his ass. I questioned him on everything, pissed him off, because he'd pissed me off by lying to me, he wanted to be in charge of all of us. One day Leo even came to me, to question me about why I was being so harsh on him.

"Maybe you shouldn't be such a dick and then I wouldn't have ta' argue with you all the time!"

"I'm not being a...I'm not being harsh! I'm being a leader."

"What you've always wanted huh?" I said, crossing my arms.

"I may have let it get to my head a little bit, to be chosen to be in charge by sensei...I'm sorry, I'll try and tone it down." Leo promised.

"'Kay." I sighed and was rewarded with a hug, which I slowly returned.

Me and Leo did get along a bit better after that, we even started watching space heroes together. There was a time, before Donnie and Mikey started watching it with us, when the cartoon had introduced a gay character, something that they had to fight for to get in the show. It was because of that character that me and Leo came out to each other...what started everything.

"Oh, wow." Leo said, blushing, when the character kissed another member of the crew, a man, after having revealed his sexual identity.

"What's the matter Leo? Turned on?" I mocked him and he turned to me, his face turning an even darker colour.

"No! I just...that's not something that I expected to see."

"Why?"

"You don't see many gay characters on television...especially not cartoons...it's nice."

"Yeah?" I asked and Leo nodded. "Are...are you gay?" I asked and Leo blushed again and looked down at the ground.

"No…"

"Bi?" I asked and Leo looked at me, surprised that I knew what that was.

"Yeah." Leo said timidly and I smiled at him, trying to make him feel better.

"Nothing wrong with that bro', besides...you ain't the only one." I said, coming out myself and feeling fucking incredible for doing so, especially when Leo smiled at me with the most incredible smile, I dunno...Leo's got this smile when he's really happy about something, it's kinda shy and it's really cute. That's also the first time I'd ever thought about Leo as being cute.

As far as I know, Leo didn't tell anyone else about him or myself, which kinda gave me a thrill, the two of us keeping a secret from our brothers. Our talks made their way to our bedrooms so that we had some more privacy, which was my idea, so I guess some of this is kinda my fault.

One day we were talking, I don't actually remember what we were talking about because all I really remember is how good Leo's lips look and how much I wanted to kiss him and then I did and to my suprise, Leo kissed me back. Our bedroom talks then turned into bedroom kisses.

We hadn't meant to take things further than a kiss, but before I knew what was happening, Leo had me on my shell and my hands were grabbing his legs, enjoying the feel of his toned muscles. We knew what we were doing when it came to kissing and just touching, but as far as sex went, we didn't know much and I'm kind of grateful for that. Because of that, we didn't go much further than touching.

Leo pulled away from me after the first churrs left him, embarrassed by it and it may have been because he was finding it hard to hide his erection, which I could feel under his plastron pressing against me. Leo had left to take a cold shower and I followed after him, both parting ways for the evening before we found ourselves back together the following night.

We made sure that our heavy petting never went any further than just that, as much as I wanted to take it further, I didn't want to fuck things up between us. Well, things did get fucked up but I wasn't the cause of it.

When Karai came into our lives, it changed everything, before we knew she was Master Splinter's biological daughter, before she came to our side. Leo had a woman he found attractive and she wasn't put off by his appearance, he didn't need me anymore, he had other options now. I wouldn't have cared if he had said he wanted to try things with Karai and end what we had, but no, he just decided to chase after her and say nothing to me. Everything we had just stopped. That fucking hurt.

I got over it eventually, hoping one day I'd find someone like Leo did...and well, I did. I fell stupidly in love with Mona Lisa, a badass alien lizard, and she returned my feelings! I think Leo was jealous of that.

It was great while it lasted, but we had to save our planet and then go back. It was also shortly after the last time we saw Mona Lisa that he actually apologised for his behaviour years ago, I said it was fine, then Leo asked if we wanted to give it another try...I got angry, said no and kicked him out of my room. Just because Karai wasn't around anymore didn't mean I was gonna be his stand in until she was back. He wasn't happy that I kicked him out after rejecting him, but I wasn't gonna go let him break my fucking heart again.

He must have told Master Splinter because the next thing I know I'm being called into his room to 'discuss' Leo. I told Master Splinter my side of the story and then he let me go.

The next week went fucking mad. Casey and April took a break in their new relationship and Casey started seeing some guy. That shocked the hell out of April and made me come out to Casey. He already knew but was happy that I was comfortable enough to tell him. I also caught Mikey and Donnie in bed together, really wish I didn't see that. They came out to the family not long after that and Leo tried, again, to restart what we had and again I said no.

A month later, Casey and April were back together, Donnie and Mikey were happier than I've ever seen them and me and Leo were fucking miserable, I guess that's my fault, but I don't forgive Leo for what he did to me.

Sometimes I'll catch him staring off into the distance like he's thinking really hard about something and then he'll feel me looking at him and our eyes would meet. I hate those moments because he's got great eyes and I wanna look at him, I wanna hold him, I wanna kiss him...but I'm not gonna. I walk away as soon as he makes any move towards me.

Things seemed to change for everyone around us and we were just stuck in the same routine of mostly ignoring each other until we needed to spend time together in a room or have a conversation. It got to the point where Master Splinter forced us to spar together as well as do other activities together as a way to get us to talk and to become friendlier. It kinda worked. Me and Leo did start talking again, although he knew whatever we had in the past was not gonna happen anytime in the future. We just started hanging out again and enjoying each other's company like we used to before this whole thing started.

We had a few awkward moments here and there, something one of us said, a touch, watching tv when two characters decide to jump each other bones and the worst, watching a movie with Mikey and Donnie when they decided to make out in front of us before leaving to go to their room. It wasn't long before Leo left, mumbling something about being tired, but I guess he just didn't want to be around me after that...don't blame him, I was itching to jump on top of him and would have done if he hadn't left.

For a while I thought about bringing up Karai to Leo, to try and push him to have a relationship with her, but then I found out that her friend from Japan, Shinigami, was more than just a friend, in fact they were in quite a serious relationship and, like, good for them but a pain in the shell for me.

It felt like we were dancing around each other and our feelings all over again, there were moments I realised that Leo was openly flirting and teasing me and sometimes I would catch myself flirting back or just generally flirting during a normal conversation.

Damn, this wasn't going to last long.

A few weeks passed and nothing much really happened between us, apart from all the flirting and the accidental touching, until Leo got sick.

I remember Leo walking out of the kitchen one evening and towards where I was sitting in the pit.

"Leo, you don't look so good." I said as Leo staggered towards me. He was very off colour, without his mask, you could see the dark bags under his eyes, which were slightly bloodshot, that as well as the way that Leo was walking, made me jump up and help him.

"Are ya' sick?"

"I felt fine yesterday." Leo mumbled, leaning into me.

"We should get ya' to Donnie, he'll know what's wrong with you."

"I don't wanna bother him...he's been really busy lately." Leo said and pulled away from me so he was able to walk more on his own. He only managed a few steps before I had to stop him from falling on his face.

"Right, come on Leo we gotta get ya' to bed." I said and didn't get any complaints as I dragged him upstairs and helped him into bed before going and getting Donnie.

"It's mild flu, nothing too serious, he just needs to rest." Donnie said and started to leave the room.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I'm going to bed..Leo will be fine, you can stay and keep an eye on him if you want to." Donnie said before leaving the room.

I debated whether or not to stay with Leo, I knew now that what Leo was suffering from was the flu and that he would be fine with some rest, but this night had sent me into a bit of a mad panic.

I decided to stay, leaving the room only to bring a bean bag chair up from downstairs so that I had something comfortable to sit on while I watched over Leo. The bean bag was very comfortable and I was very tired so before I knew it, I was asleep.

I jolted awake a few hours later, dunno what woke me up but when I turned to look at Leo he was staring back at me.

"Hey," my voice came out croaky so I coughed to clear my throat. "How're ya' feeling?"

"A little better...thanks for looking after me."

"Well, couldn't let ya' pass out in the middle of the lair and...didn't wanna leave ya' alone in case ya' got worse." I mumbled through my explanation, trying to avoid sounding too mushy.

"I appreciate it Raph...you didn't have to."

"What are brothers for?" I shrugged and Leo didn't answer, but his eyes remained locked on me. "You okay bro'?"

"Raph…" That tone instantly made me tense, I knew that tone, that was the needy I want to talk about something sensitive and I knew what that was going to be.

"We ain't talking about this when you're sick."

"I'm feeling much better."

"Yeah, right." I scoffed but Leo's sad eyes kept staring at me. "I dunno what you want me to say Leo."

"Say you'll give us another chance...you clearly still feel the same way."

"That ain't the point Leo and I already told ya' I ain't talking about this now."

"Please…"

"Don't tell me ya' got sick just ta' get us to talk." I said, my eyes narrowing at him and when he didn't reply I knew it was true. "Fucking hell."

"I didn't think I'd get this sick."

"You're a fucking idiot, you know how fragile you get when you get a cold let along the fucking flu." I said, moving off the bean bag so that I was standing near his bed.

"We're such a fucking mess."

"That doesn't mean that it can't work." Leo frowned, his blue eyes swimming with hope, ugh, I hated and loved those fucking eyes. "We...we take things slow, talk more…"

"Don't ignore the person you started something with when someone else comes along?" I said before I could stop myself.

"Raph...I can't keep apologising for things that have happened, you know how sorry I am." Yeah, it still hurts though.

"Yeah."

"So?"

"So...you wanna move over?" I asked and Leo's eyes widened before he shuffled sideways on the bed to make room for me to get in. "You need to rest Leo."

"Not until we've finished talking."

"There ain't a lot more to talk about…" I paused for a second, taking a deep breath. "Even after all that's happened I still feel the same about you as I first did and we have been getting closer recently, getting back to almost how we used to be."

Leo was quiet, obviously not wanting to say anything that would change what I was saying.

"And I think we could get there...if you don't pull any of these stupid shit again."

"I won't."

"Good."

"It's always gonna be the four of us Raph…" Leo said after a few moments of silence. "No matter who comes into our lives and who leaves, we'll always have each other...you'll always have me and I hope I'll always have you."

"You'll always have me Leo." I promised, as much as I fucking hated him sometimes, I would never leave him for good. To seal my promise, I kissed him, just a chaste kiss on the lips but Leo wanted more than that and I didn't push him away.

When the kiss ended, Leo had that goofy smile on his face and I had to restrain myself from punching him on the shoulder. He kept that smile on his face as he molded himself into my side and closed his eyes.

Just before he fell asleep he whispered to me.

"I love you Raph."

"I love you Leo."