One A.M.
A/N: I think we can all agree what the show's writers are doing right now, not only having everyone (except Gallo and Brett) oblivious to what's been going on with Casey but his own roommate and best friend especially clueless about anything that's going on, is very atypical for the show's canon. So for a change of pace more in tune with the friendship these two are supposed to have, here's a story that deals with Kelly being there for Casey in his time of need instead of Sylvie. Stella Kidd is also not in this story. Hope you enjoy, please read and review!
Casey's eyes burned and their lids felt heavy, but he could not sleep. He'd tried the last couple nights, and he'd just given up on the idea altogether. He sat in the kitchen with the lights on, pondering over his very near future, if he would even have a future, and what it would look like.
Other thoughts started occurring to him. Thoughts that didn't pop up often but when they did he was usually able to push them away. Now however they started to carry a strange appeal to them. He looked at the knives in the rack over the stove, all different sizes, different styles, different sharpness in the blades. He also thought about the pills they kept in the apartment, pain pills, sinus pills, allergy pills, cold pills, sleeping pills. He thought about the razor blades in the bathroom, a nearly new set in the drawer under the sink. He also thought about the windows on this floor, how easy they'd be to jimmy open and just step over the ledge.
He thought about his truck, and how easy it would be to pull it into a garage somewhere and leave the engine running, and the buildup of exhaust that would ensue.
And then of course there was always the water. So much water in Chicago, they'd pulled so many bodies out of ponds, lakes, the beaches. Miles of deep water just waiting to swallow up unsuspecting victims, what was one more who was suspecting?
"Casey?"
Matt was drawn out of his thoughts by Severide's groggy voice. A few seconds later the Squad lieutenant entered the kitchen.
"What's going on?" Kelly looked half asleep and it was obvious his eyes hadn't had time to adjust to the bright lights.
"Couldn't sleep...what're you doing up?" he asked.
Kelly staggered further into the kitchen and answered, "Got up to use the bathroom, on the way back I saw the lights were on. What're you doing in here?"
Casey shrugged. "I just needed to think...I thought a change of scenery might help."
"Did it?"
Casey shook his head, "Not really."
"Thinking about what?" Kelly asked as he sat down at the table beside him.
"A lot of things," Casey said casually, hoping Kelly would leave it at that.
No such luck.
"Like what?"
Casey sighed.
"Uh...you remember a couple weeks back when I kind of got rolled by that car with the drunk driver?"
"Oh yeah, you hanging onto the door...not the brightest thing you ever did, but damn brave," Kelly said.
Casey nodded uncertainly. "I had a migraine after that...a few migraines actually...I kept taking aspirin around the clock, it didn't help...I uh...I started to have trouble remembering some things." He could see Kelly's expression changing into wide awake and alert and concerned.
"Wait...why didn't you tell me any of this when it happened?" he asked.
"I kept thinking it would go away...but it didn't," Casey said.
"Wait...hold on, let me get this straight," Kelly said determinedly, "has anybody noticed this at 51?"
Casey shook his head, "No."
Kelly inhaled sharply and sat back in his chair. "You've been staggering around here in blinding pain for two weeks, and none of us noticed? How the hell did that happen?"
"It wasn't any big deal," Casey weakly tried to insist, "At least I didn't think it was."
"Bullshit," the single word cut through the air like a knife. Kelly scowled at him now and asked him, "Was it the same side of your skull that got fractured all those years ago?"
Casey reluctantly nodded.
"And?" Kelly demanded to know.
"I...I took another look at my scans from back then."
"You..." Kelly blinked a couple times, "You haven't been back to the doctor yet?"
Casey shook his head.
"Why not?" Kelly wanted to know.
"What's the point?" Matt asked.
Kelly did a double take. "Seriously?"
"What can they possibly tell me, that could do me any good?" Casey asked. "Back then they said if I got hit in the head again, it would end my career with CFD. I go in, they take another scan, what're they going to tell me? The damage is done, I can't be a firefighter anymore. That's why you wouldn't go to a doctor when you broke your neck, you didn't want to hear that either."
"Yeah, and you saw what that almost cost everybody at 51," Kelly replied. "Matt, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"I made an appointment, I'm going in a few days," Casey told him.
"Why didn't you do it two weeks ago?" Kelly asked.
"BECAUSE I'M SCARED TO DEATH!"
Kelly was frozen by Matt's sudden outburst. He didn't dare move, he didn't dare say anything, he hardly even dared breathe. He just sat there, and watched his best friend, who was suddenly very visibly struggling to hold himself together as he explained, "I am terrified what they're going to tell me when I go...I'd almost rather not even know. I've been a firefighter for over 20 years, Kelly...if I can't do that anymore...what the hell am I going to do?"
"Matt-"
"You know exactly what it's like, Kelly, being a firefighter is all I've ever wanted to do, it's the only thing that makes my life feel like it has a purpose, and if I don't have that...I don't have anything. So...what difference does it make whether I know or not? We've had to accept that we could die at any time on this job, that we don't come back from a call...I'd rather take that than have them tell me I can't work at CFD anymore."
"Matt...you can't think like that," Kelly told him.
"I already have," Casey replied. "If they take this away from me...what am I going to do? What am I supposed to do?"
"Casey, there are other jobs in CFD that wouldn't require being on the scene."
"Yeah, like your job at OFI?" Casey asked, "Tell me again how thrilled you were to work there. What would I do? Some desk job for another 20 years? I'd rather...I'd rather be dead than have to settle for that."
Kelly looked at him and shook his head, "You don't mean that."
"Yes I do," Casey replied, "If I have to leave CFD, it's going to be on my own terms."
He pushed his chair back, stood up and stormed out of the kitchen. Kelly sat there in a confused daze for a couple seconds before he hopped up from his seat and followed Casey back to his bedroom. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"I've thought about this, Kelly," Casey replied as he turned on the lights as he entered his room, "If they're going to force me out of CFD because my head is too damaged, then I'm not really going to be left with much quality of life anyway, am I? In the grand scheme of things, what would one more firefighter suicide really be? At least I'd be going out the way I wanted to, not be forced out, not have to sit around and wait and wonder when it's going to happen, I pick when, I pick how, that's the best scenario I could hope for."
Kelly was practically seeing red at this revelation, his blood was pounding in his ears and he could barely see. All of this had come out of nowhere and he had no idea how to deal with any of it.
"You son of a bitch."
Before Kelly could fully comprehend what he'd done, he hit Casey square in the jaw and the sudden momentum of it knocked Casey on his back. Kelly was on top of him in a heartbeat, his knees pressed on the outside of Casey's, pinning him to the floor. He grabbed the large pillow on Casey's bed and pressed it against the Truck captain's face with all of his strength.
"If you really want to die, let's get it over with now," Kelly said as he pressed the pillow as hard into the other man's face as he could.
Underneath him Casey's body tried to flail about but couldn't with the other man's weight on him, he reached up and grabbed at the pillow with both hands and struggled to get it away from him. Kelly watched the rapid struggle to break loose, and he felt his eyes burn in a melancholic relief as he said, forcing his voice to be gruff to cover up the tears he could feel making his throat swell, "Now you want to live."
He removed the pillow and tossed it to the side, and he moved off of Casey and sat on his knees beside the blonde man as he looked up at Kelly in a dazed confusion as he tried to process what had just happened. He sat back up and looked at Severide, Kelly let out a breath of relief when he saw tears welling up in Casey's eyes. His mouth trembled ever so slightly as a small series of sobs automatically worked loose, Kelly leaned over and hugged Matt and held his best friend against him as he felt Casey's whole body shaking.
"I'm scared, Kelly," Casey wept, "I've never been this scared before."
"I know," Kelly sighed as he rubbed Casey's back and pressed his forehead against the other man's, "I know...we'll figure this out. I'll go with you for your appointment, and whatever the doctor says...we'll figure it out, Matt. You won't be going through this alone, I promise you."
Casey's bottom jaw dropped and he sobbed even louder and harder as he pressed his face into Kelly's shoulder and hugged the Squad lieutenant in return, clinging to him like his life depended on it.
Kelly held onto Casey tightly and slowly rocked the both of them on the floor, forcing his breaths to come out slowly and evenly so Matt wouldn't know he was crying too.
After a while, a half hour or so, Kelly realized he could hardly keep his eyes open anymore, he also realized he'd stopped rocking, and Casey had gotten very quiet. He forced his eyes open and saw Casey had all but fallen asleep in his arms. He lightly ran one hand over the blonde man's face to get his attention, and when Casey's bleary eyes just barely opened, Kelly nodded towards the bed and told him, "Come on, you'll feel better after you sleep all night."
He stood up first and helped pull Casey to his feet, and guided the Truck captain over to the bed, got him settled in, replaced the pillows under his head, actually tucked Matt in, and ran his hand over the top of the blanket across Casey's chest before turning to leave.
"Kelly..."
The exhausted lieutenant turned back to his friend and saw Casey's tired eyes wide with fear and just a sliver of hope.
The blonde man looked at him and shakily asked, "Would you...would you stay with me, just for tonight, please?"
Kelly nodded and answered, "Of course I will."
He went around to the other side of the bed, pulled the covers back and slid in alongside Matt. He reached over and grasped his best friend's hand in his as he told Casey, "We're in this together, buddy, whatever happens, I'm not going to let you go through this alone."
Casey tried to smile but all he did was start crying again. Kelly pulled him towards him and wrapped one arm around his back and told him, "It's going to be okay, Matt, it'll be okay..."
Matt was beyond exhausted and still faintly heard those words as he finally fell asleep.
A strange yet familiar smell filled Casey's nose as he realized he'd been asleep and his eyes still weren't open. As he slowly worked to get them as awake as the rest of him, he realized the scent was the oxygen mask over his face. He was looking up towards the ceiling and realized he was laying in a bed, a hospital bed, in a hospital room. How'd he get here? He grabbed at the mask to try and pull it off, and looked around, and about hit the ceiling when he saw Kelly about asleep in a chair beside his bed. He pulled the oxygen mask off and asked a simple, "Kelly?"
"Hm?" Severide's eyes blinked a couple times before they actually saw anything, he sat up straight in the chair and looked at him. "Hey buddy, how're you feeling?"
"What's going on?" Casey tried not to let on how panicked he was feeling by waking up in a strange hospital room somewhere and no memory of how he'd gotten there.
"We came back to Med so you could get a new CT scan," Kelly told him, "do you remember?"
Casey started breathing hard and ragged, terrified of what he might remember.
"Whoa, don't start that again," Kelly said, "that's what got you in trouble the last time."
Matt looked at him and asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well the doctor was telling us the results, and you were breathing so hard you started hyperventilating, and then you passed out and collapsed on the floor...so they moved you here for the time being."
Casey squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his hands over his ears, he didn't want to hear what the doctor found, he didn't want to know, he didn't want to know anything.
A force stronger than his own grabbed his hands and about made him yell in pain as they were pried away from his ears. He opened his eyes and saw it was Kelly fighting with him to listen to what he had to say.
"Casey it's alright, it's alright...you're going to be fine. You have a concussion."
Casey had been so busy working himself up into a near-panic he hadn't heard what Kelly said and asked cluelessly, "What?"
"You have a minor concussion," Kelly told him, "the scan showed no new damage to where you fractured your skull...the doctor said you have to take some time off work and take it easy to recover, but you're going to be fine. She said you had a very narrow escape, but you're going to be fine."
"What?" Casey repeated in disbelief, "you're not just saying that?"
Kelly shook his head, grinning, "I swear to God, buddy, that's what she said."
"I'm going to be fine?"
"Yep."
"I'm not going to die?" Casey asked, shocked.
"Nope," Kelly shook his head.
"I don't have to quit CFD?"
"Not for another 20 years at this rate," Kelly answered.
Casey wanted to jump out of the bed and howl for joy, instead he fell back against the adjustable mattress and broke down crying again. Kelly reached over and hugged him and lightly kissed his best friend on the forehead and cheek and told him, "It's alright, buddy, I told you you'd be alright."
Matt was unable to even form words for a few minutes, once he composed himself enough to actually talk, he brushed the back of his hand over his cheeks and said to Kelly, "Thanks for coming with me...I couldn't have gotten through this without you."
He felt as well as heard Kelly take in a sharp breath, and he said somberly, "Buddy, I am so sorry I didn't know what was going on, there's no excuse for it, I should've known...somebody should've known something wasn't right."
Casey felt almost delirious and felt like he was laughing, it sounded like he was laughing, or trying to, as he told Kelly, "It doesn't matter anymore. Thank you, Kelly, thank you..."