title from johnny cash's song of the same name.
alt. title of this fic: callie and arizona have alternating meltdowns while arizona doesn't really deal with her daddy issues
this fic started as an ode to girls who grow up in the woods and learn to shoot with their daddies and now is this. hope you enjoy !
don't take your guns to town.
When Arizona was nine, she cried all day on the 23rd of December. She pouted and pleaded with her daddy but he wouldn't take her with him and Tim and all of the other cousins. Oma sat her down in the kitchen and they made cookies all day and she almost forgot that all the boys got to go hunting with her daddy. But it wasn't fair. He was her daddy and he'd been away for a long time and it wasn't fair. Tim said she was too small, then ruffled her hair, so naturally, Arizona had kicked him in the shins. Mommy and Oma both tried to cheer her up, but she sat resolutely in the kitchen, staring out the window into the snowy woods, waiting for her daddy and Tim to come back.
Finally, after what could've been days for all Arizona knew, Tim and her daddy and all of his brothers and all of her dumb cousins came tracking down the hill. Tim looked like a strong breeze might knock him over, his limbs all noodly looking as he carried a large chest, one of Daddy's rifles slung over his back. Arizona had climbed up his back as soon as they came in from the garage, all pink-nosed and smiling. Tim, being tall for a thirteen-year-old, had let his little sister hang off his back and listened to all of her questions about when she could go with them.
Frank, the oldest of the cousins, had tweaked her ear and told her girls couldn't come with 'cause she didn't know how to do anything. Then he flipped his dumb hair out of his eyes and stole Arizona's cookie. Arizona and Tim stuck their tongues out.
Her father had been watching, silently as he was wont to do. Once all of her annoying cousins had filtered out to watch hockey, her daddy pulled her off of Tim's back and took her into the garage. He pulled an orange jacket over her pink overalls and Arizona pressed her nose to it. It smelled like her daddy and snow and trees. Then he handed her a beat-up, green baseball cap.
"Daddy, what're we doin'?"
"You want to come with next time?" He asked, squatting down in front of her, his blue eyes twinkling. She nodded eagerly. "Then I've got to teach you how to shoot. Think you can handle that, soldier?"
"Sir, yes, sir." She snapped off a salute just like he taught her, the sleeve of the jacket bumping her nose. Her dad chuckled as he rolled up the sleeves until her hands were out. "What's the hat for?"
"Keep all those pretty curls out of the way, squirt." She put it on and tried to look at him, but the brim fell in her eyes. He chuckled again, a warm sound, almost like Oma's fireplace, and turned it backwards. "There we go. Now, how about we go and teach you how to shoot like a Robbins?"
"I get to come with you next year?"
"Once you know how to shoot, Arizona."
And so he had taught her to shoot until he finally nodded and said she was as good as any of the boys. When she asked why nobody taught her before, he said she was the only girl. Arizona thought that was stupid. She was better at most things than Tim, especially math, she was really good at math.
But the next year, when her daddy and everyone took her, she cried again. Frank and Billy teased her for being such a girl, but Arizona didn't understand why they wanted to hurt those birds. They weren't doing anything.
Tim had carried her back to the cabin on his back, even though it was still the middle of the day and they weren't supposed to be back until it was almost dark.
As they walked through the snowy woods, Tim tried to explain that it wasn't bad what they were doing. But Arizona was insistent that she didn't want to hurt anything. Tim pointed out that she had punched Tommy O'Leary in the nose before the break. Well, he deserved it. But Arizona was insistent. She wasn't going to hurt anyone or anything (other than the mean kids on the playground who picked on the little kids or told her her name was dumb, 'cause it wasn't). She was going to help people. Tim grinned back at her and then threw her in a snowbank.
xx
The next time she saw a gun was the summer after she graduated high school, sitting with Tim as their dad set up targets in the woods behind Oma's house. Tim, in his final year of college and ROTC, already knew how to shoot a handgun. But Dad had said that he'd believe it when he saw it. Arizona was really just there to make fun of her brother and spend some time with her dad while her mom and Oma shopped in town.
Normally, she'd love to spend time with her Oma, but lately, Oma had been trying to set Arizona up on dates with her bridge club's grandsons and Arizona wanted no part of it. She had kissed Hugo Moore after their freshman dance, or rather he had kissed her and she distinctly did not like it. And then, Ada Faust kissed her behind their house in Germany the day before they left last year and it had been magical. So no, Arizona did not want to go into town and meet Mrs Hoffman's grandson who really liked ice fishing.
"Arizona!" Her father barked and she nearly fell off the tree stump she had been sitting on. "Catch." She barely managed to catch the ear protectors he tossed at her. "Put 'em on and grab a pair of glasses. You're up next."
She wanted to protest. She hadn't gone near a gun since that disastrous hunting trip nearly ten years ago. She understood why her dad and her brother and her uncles and all their sons shot guns. It was part of their job description in the various branches of the military, except for Joey who was playing hockey in junior leagues. But she didn't want anything to do with it. She was going to go to Georgetown and then she was going to go to med school and help people. (Her desire not to join the military definitely had nothing to do with how much she liked kissing Ada Faust.)
"Do I have to?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. Tim glanced back at her, eyes wide. Normally, Arizona got a bit of leeway if she flashed her dimples and pouted to her dad. But not when he was in full Colonel mode, running drills with them.
She kinda really wanted to cry when he walked over to her, hands clasped tightly behind his back.
"I understand you probably will never need to fire a gun in your life, Arizona. I hope you don't. But it is still a useful skill to understand how to safely handle a gun and how to fire one. Now put the ear coverings on and we'll get started."
And so, in the middle of the woods, mosquitos biting her legs, Arizona had watched as her father went through gun safety with her, watching as his practised hands took it apart and put it back together. Then Tim had fired two rounds into the paper target, handed the gun off to Arizona and retrieved his paper target. Biting her lip, and ignoring the slight shake in her left knee, Arizona fired two shots, just like Tim, and definitely didn't tell her dad she closed her eyes.
Her dad then retrieved the paper target, examining it as he walked back to them. "Good. Good. Not half bad, squirt." He smiled at her and it was the smile she always wanted, the proud, thrilled smile that only came out very rarely. She wanted to bottle this moment. Because she was almost positive that her deeply traditional, rigid, military father would not be thrilled to find out about Ada Faust and how much Arizona wanted to kiss her again.
And so Arizona grinned back and hoped she never had to touch a gun or be near one again.
xx
Arizona hated the sound of gunfire. She especially hated the way it sounded three times in the annoyingly cheerful sunshine of Arlington. It should be dark and gloomy and miserable because Tim loved the sunshine and it wasn't fair. She flinched each time the honour guard fired, ignoring the scowl on her father's face. At least he wasn't crying anymore. She knew how to deal with a scowling Colonel. Crying was way beyond her pay grade.
Her mother was crying again. Arizona didn't think she could physically cry anymore.
She needed to ask McCauly if she could scrub in on the Adams boy's liver transplant and she needed to remember to bring in Tim's old VHS tapes of Star Wars for him.
Nick tapped her wrist, motioning for her to sit. She couldn't look at Nick. She didn't want to resent Nick, but he was wearing the same uniform Tim was being buried in and he had come home and Tim hadn't and it wasn't fair.
And her dad, a few cups into the fancy whiskey an old buddy had given him years ago, had asked Nick how Tim died last night. When Arizona started to leave, he made her stay. But he couldn't even say Tim's name. He only ever said my son or my boy. He hadn't stopped saying her name though. Both of her parents clung to her desperately and Arizona just wanted to go back to the hospital. It was only an hour drive and she could certainly persuade someone to let her cut, even if she was only a second year resident. Maybe her hands would stop shaking if she held a scalpel.
Arizona had sat and listened as Nick described how Tim had been playing soccer with some local kids when a gun man opened fire. Two kids died instantly and Tim had been safe. But there was one little boy who had been shot in the leg, screaming for his mom. Tim, the stupid, heroic idiot, had run out to grab the kid just as the gunman fired again.
Arizona stared resolutely at the shadow box with her grandfather's medals on the mantel. She used to love to look at them, all bright colours and long stories from her dad.
Nick said they tried to save Tim. But he needed a doctor. There weren't any doctors. Arizona wanted to scream that she was a doctor. That she could've saved Tim.
She shuddered in the warm sunlight at the thought of her brother shot trying to save a kid. She was only in her second year of residency and already she knew she wanted to work in pediatrics and save children. But not like that. No, she just helped to stitch up kids with bullet wounds. Her brother had been shot.
An officer stepped forward, a folded flag just like the one Oma had in his hands. He offered it to her parents, but neither moved. Her father's gaze fixed somewhere in the middle distance while her mother continued to weep. Arizona swallowed back the lump in her throat and accepted the flag with a quiet thanks. Nick wrapped an arm around her as she collapsed against him, her fingers curled around the edges of the flag that had covered Tim's coffin.
Tim was dead. Somebody shot her brother.
xx
As soon as Callie turned and looked at her, her heart dropped. And then Callie leaned in and told her there was a shooter. The world froze for a moment like how quiet the woods had felt the first time her dad taught her how to shoot. Callie kept talking and people were shot and there were police.
"Stop talking. I don't want to hear anymore."
She couldn't think about people getting shot. It couldn't be anyone she knew. Oh God, what if it was someone she knew? Like Grace, the new nurse working downstairs who had just graduated and was so excited to be working and loved to show Arizona pictures of her twin boys. Or Brian, the security guard who always kept lollipops in his pockets for the kids. Or Alex, grumpy, crabby Alex who was so destined for peds and she was going to make him a great surgeon. Or Teddy, who had survived a war and was such a good friend.
She tried to steady her breathing before she had to turn back to Ruby who just wanted her mommy.
She could do this. She could help Ruby. She couldn't do anything else. She could do this.
And Callie was there and she loved Callie so much it hurt sometimes and Callie was angry, but she was so pretty and Arizona kind of wanted to kiss her.
Callie sang horribly inappropriate songs to children but also was so good with Ruby and she would be the best mom in the whole world. And Arizona's heart hurt.
Callie froze, her eyes wide and filled with terror. Arizona twisted around, praying there would be nothing there, even though she didn't even believe in God.
Gun. There was a man with a gun. On her floor. With her kids.
"There are only children here."
She was going to die like Tim.
Someone was going to tell her parents that their only living child had died, just like Tim. Her mother would never smile again. Her father would never say her name again. At least they wouldn't get a flag.
"There are only children here."
All she could do was repeat those words. But she couldn't move. Her entire body was stuck. She pressed closer to Ruby, desperate to shield the little girl.
Callie stood slowly to her feet and Arizona wanted to scream at her. Callie couldn't get shot. Tim got shot. Callie couldn't get shot. But Arizona couldn't move and she couldn't protect the things she loved.
"There are only children here."
"You never point a gun at another person unless your life is in danger, Arizona. Not as a joke, not as a prank. If you point a gun at another person, it is because you are protecting yourself or your family. Do you understand?"
"There are only children here."
She waited, waited for that pop. There'd be one and then two. Not three like at Tim's funeral. He'd shoot Callie and then he'd shoot her.
"There are only children here."
Her parents would have to bury another child. Her dad would have to put his uniform on, even though he hadn't touched it since Tim's funeral.
"There are only children here."
Callie. Callie. Callie. Callie was going to die and the last real conversation they had was an argument where she had accused Callie of not loving her. Callie was going to die and she had told Callie she didn't trust her.
"There are only children here."
And then Callie was back in front of her, but it was still hard to breathe. She kept seeing Tim standing in front of her, smiling his dumb, goofy smile until a hole appeared in his chest. Then Callie appeared, her face sad and angry until her eyes widen in surprise and she was bleeding.
Arizona snapped back into reality at the sound of Callie's voice, low and warm. "...some times people feel better just after she walks in the room 'cause she has got this super magic smile. And when she smiles at you," Callie whispered, watching Arizona with so much love in her eyes. Arizona loved this woman beyond even her own comprehension. "Everything gets better." Callie brushed Ruby's hair back, her hands so gentle and caring. "You don't know it because you have your back to her right now, but she is giving you, she's giving you her best super magic smile, isn't that right, Dr Robbins?" All she could do was watch Callie because she was miraculous and even though they were broken up and Callie was trying to hate her, she had stood in front of a man with a gun and saved her.
Blinking back tears she hadn't even realized were falling, she nodded more to herself than anyone else. "Right," she rasped, "I am, Ruby."
"I'm gonna call the police and tell them what happened."
"I-I'm good," she managed, not quite trusting her voice.
Callie reached across, gently cupping her face. Arizona leaned into the touch. It had been so long since Callie touched her. Nearly two weeks since she had kissed her in an elevator. And they could've died.
She couldn't live without Callie. She needed Callie. She would have as many kids with Callie as Callie wanted because her silly concerns were nothing to living without Callie. She almost lost her and as much as it terrified Arizona, she wasn't sure if she could survive without Callie.
xx
Arizona idly flicked some ash off her cigarette, watching it float to the wet ground. She squeezed her eyes tight as if that would make her wake up.
No such luck.
She needed to call her parents. She needed to grab her stuff. She needed a ride back from Seattle Pres. She needed to find Callie.
"Robbins," her head snapped up at the sound of her name. "You want to split a cab?" Teddy offered, her face drawn and shadowy. "Can I bum one?"
"Uh, yeah." She fumbled for the pack she had bought at the gas station around the corner. Teddy pulled one free, shakily holding it to her lips. "Here." She offered a lighter which Teddy gratefully took. She watched quietly as Teddy's hands trembled slightly. "Did you see, is Callie still in there?"
"She's with Mark. Lexie's sitting with Karev."
Arizona shut her eyes. Karev had been shot. People died.
"She said she'd catch a ride with Mark. She's worried about him. He had to operate on Karev in a conference room."
Arizona nodded, still unable to really feel anything. She needed to call her parents. But first, she'd call them a cab.
The pair of them stood huddled together on the curb, occasionally lighting another cigarette until half the pack was gone.
"What are you going to do tonight?"
Teddy turned slightly to face her. "Drink a bottle or two of wine. Cry over my disastrous love life. The usual. Owen picked Cristina. All par for the course, really. You? You gonna go over to Callie's and have hot, make-up sex?"
Arizona shook her head quickly. "I'm, I'm going to call my parents, not tell them I stood in a room with a man with a gun, take a very hot shower, cry and sleep."
"That sounds like a great plan."
After Arizona left Callie a brief voicemail, letting her know she was going home, they rode in silence back to the hospital, ignoring the cabbie's idle chatter. Emergency vehicles still surrounded the hospital.
"Looks like the freakin' circus is still here," Teddy mumbled, shoving a few bills towards the cabbie.
Arizona shoved her hands in her pockets as they stood on the far edge of the parking lot, watching as people moved around.
"Do you think they'll let us grab our stuff?" Arizona asked.
"They better," Teddy growled. "I need to drink and drink heavily."
Sure enough, the police allowed them in once they proved who they were and where they worked.
A smear of blood greeted them in the lobby, a bullet hole in the wall behind the nurses' station. Arizona fought the urge to throw up. Teddy nudged her arm and they continued silently, walking through the hospital in an almost zombie-like state.
Neither said a word until they were back in the parking lot.
"Give me a call tomorrow, yeah?" Arizona offered, pulling her gaze away from the hospital. "Maybe if we're feeling up for it, we can grab lunch. I want to hear about your Owen drama. It'll be a nice distraction." She tried to smile, but couldn't manage much more than a grimace.
Teddy nodded absently, staring off to somewhere that was probably not Seattle. "I wanna hear all the Callie drama too. At least yours loves you back," Teddy chuckled, her jaw tightening. "Take care of yourself."
Arizona stumbled into her apartment, the drive home purely muscle memory. Clothes and journals and notes were scattered across the small apartment. Cleaning hadn't been high on her priorities these days.
Mainly she just cried and then tried to convince herself that breaking up with Callie was a good idea. Sure, she could be friendly with Callie at work. But as soon as she got home, she broke down in ugly, terrible sobs that tore through her whole body.
Years ago, Tim had held her after Joanne left her for her high school ex-boyfriend, whispering all sorts of kind, older brother things. When she had run out of tears, he sat her on her couch and they watched movies and ate takeout.
But there wasn't anyone to hold her here. Other than Teddy, she didn't have anyone at the hospital who wasn't Callie or a friend of Callie's. And her non-work friends weren't sympathetic at all. They just said it was what you got for dating someone who primarily dated men.
Arizona tossed her jacket onto a chair, the scrubs she had worn home suddenly feeling all too constricting. She tore her scrub top off, pressing a fist to her chest as she tried to breathe. Everything was too much. It was all too much.
Her gaze fell on a picture of her and Tim at her med school graduation, Tim in his dress uniform while she hugged him tightly, diploma in hand.
Her phone was in her hand almost before she realized it. It rang once before she could hear her mother's terrified voice on the other end of the line.
"Arizona, are, are you okay? We saw on the news. They said doctors were dead."
Arizona swallowed back a sob, her chest aching. "Mom, I'm here. I'm okay. I'm safe. I swear, Mama, I'm okay. I'm okay."
"Barb, please tell me that's Arizona." Her father sounded nothing like the stern Marine she knew him to be. He sounded like he had all those years ago when they first heard about Tim, broken and lost, once again the little boy who had lost his father before he even knew him.
"It's her. She's okay-"
"Oh thank God," her father whispered with a reverence she was distinctly unfamiliar with. Daniel Robbins was not a man who prayed. He was not a man of faith. "Arizona…."
"I know, Daddy, I know," she choked out, sinking down onto her couch, drawing her knees to her chest. "I'm okay. I'm okay."
The three of them sat in silence for a while, each trying to level out their breathing.
"Are your friends okay? Is… is Callie okay?" Her mother asked hesitantly, cautious to bring up the topic that had had Arizona in tears for weeks now.
Arizona nodded before remembering they were on the phone. "She… yeah, Callie's okay. She was with me all day. She, uh, she probably saved my life today." That sent her mother into near hysterics while her father pressed her for more information. "I could've lost her today. She could've died thinking I didn't love her," she stammered, her voice breaking.
There was fumbling on the other end of the phone before her father spoke, "I've sent your mother to make some tea. Arizona, tell me you weren't around the shooter today. Tell me that you were safe."
She sank her teeth into her bottom lip. "Daddy, I'm safe-"
"No, Arizona, I need to know. Don't lie to me."
"Yes, sir. Uh, yes, he came up onto my floor. But Daddy, I, I froze," she admitted. How could she tell her father she was a coward? How could she admit that she was not who he raised her to be?
"Arizona, you are a doctor. Not a soldier."
"I, I, I couldn't do anything. I froze. Callie, she stood in front of a gunman for me and I cried. I couldn't protect the things I loved. I'm a coward."
"Arizona Robbins, enough. You… Jesus, Arizona, your… he was a hero," Her father's voice caught as he tried for the thousandth time to say his son's name, "I don't need, I don't want you to be a hero. I want you to be an amazing doctor. I want you to be in love. I want you to live, Arizona. I can't… I need you to be alive, okay?"
Something wet dropped on her hand in her lap. She glanced up, expecting a wet spot in her ceiling. Then she realized she was the one crying.
"But Dad, everything-"
"No, no, I… I won't fail you too, Arizona."
"Daniel, is everything okay?"
She listened as her father exhaled shakily. "Yes, everything's okay. We were just talking."
Her mother hummed but didn't press the topic. "You said Callie was with you? How is she doing?"
"We're back together. We… I, after everything that happened, I can't… I can't live without her."
"Oh, I'm so happy for you, sweetheart." Her mother filled the air with chatter about her book club and the trip that her parents were taking to the Berkshires next month and a new recipe she wanted to try. Arizona slowly migrated to her room, curling up on her too-big bed as she listened to her mom's voice, letting it wash over and soothe her. "Oh, I've kept you so long. I'm so glad you're safe and that you and Callie worked things out. You should get some rest, okay, sweetheart. We'll talk tomorrow. Love you."
"Love you too, Mom," she whispered, wiping away a few stray tears.
Still in almost a trance, Arizona found herself sometime later, curled up on her couch with damp hair, wrapped in an old sweatshirt of Tim's, watching The Philadelphia Story. Katharine Hepburn's drunken ramblings were interrupted by an insistent knocking on her door. Arizona considered for a moment just ignoring it. But the knocking continued.
"Fine, fine, I'm getting up," she grumbled. As she swung the door open, she said, "Mrs Cooper, I don't have any sug-" She was cut off by Callie grabbing her face and pulling her in for a rough kiss. Arizona immediately relaxed into her, her hands coming up to hold Callie's hips. After what may have been hours, Arizona pulled back because she didn't want to give her neighbours a free show.
"Calliope, what, what's wrong? You're crying." Arizona brushed her thumb across Callie's cheekbone, catching a few tears. Callie pressed her forehead to Arizona's. "Cal-"
"You have to answer your phone, Arizona. I… I got your message, but you didn't call me back and I kept calling and I thought you were dead. I couldn't find you and I thought you were dead." Callie let out a shaky sob, clutching Arizona tightly to her. "You can't do that to me, Arizona. You… I love you. I love you and I can't lose you."
Arizona tugged Callie further into her apartment, shutting the door behind them. She guided Callie over to the couch, never letting her go. "Callie, Callie, I'm here. We're both alive." Callie hesitated for a moment before pulling Arizona onto her lap. Arizona settled, straddling Callie, just happy to be pressed as close as humanly possible. "I love you. I love you." She punctuated her sentences by pressing kisses to Callie's face. "I love you, Calliope Torres."
Callie pulled her into another kiss, nipping at her bottom lip. "I am so in love with you," she whispered against Arizona's lips. "I love you."
Arizona buried her face in the crook of Callie's neck, inhaling her unique scent of freesia and lilies and the faint trace of the cleaning solution they used at the hospital and the plaster from the casts Callie worked with all day. She smelled like home, like safety. A broken sob fell from Arizona's lips, surprising even her.
"I'm sorry," whimpered Arizona against Callie's skin, her fingers curling tightly into Callie's jacket. "I'm sorry."
"Arizona, Arizona, what… why are you sorry?"
Refusing to lift her face, to expose her teary face to Callie, Arizona mumbled, "I just want you to be happy. And I know it's selfish, I know it's so beyond selfish, but I need you to be happy with me."
Callie's arm tightened around her waist, somehow pressing them even closer together, while her free hand came up to tangle in Arizona's hair. Gently, so delicately, painfully gently, Callie tugged at her hair until Arizona came up for air, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
"You make me happier than anything in the world. Happier than surgery. Happier than artificial cartilage." Arizona cradled Callie's face like it was the most precious thing in the world, because in the moment, it was. "You make me incandescently happy, Arizona Robbins. And I can't wait to keep falling deeper in love with you." Arizona surged forward to capture Callie's lips again in a soft kiss. "Like that, when you kiss me like that, I can't help but falling more in love with you."
"Such a sweet talker," Arizona said, a breathy laugh in sharp contrast to her wet cheeks. "I… I meant what I said earlier."
"Hm?"
"You'll be an amazing mother-"
"-Arizona-"
"Calliope, I was… I was serious earlier."
"I know. I know you were." Callie brushed her thumb across Arizona's cheekbone, catching a falling tear.
"And we can have a longer discussion another night when we aren't… when everything isn't so fragile, but I meant it. I want to have kids with you because I love you and I'd love our kids so much."
"I know," repeated Callie, her voice cracking, "I shouldn't've pushed so much."
"No, no, I… it was me, not you."
"It doesn't matter anymore. We're alive and we're together and that's all that matters." Callie pulled her back in for a long kiss that somehow tasted of love and desperation and the promise of something more, of life. When Arizona pulled back for air, Callie pressed her lips to the sharp line of Arizona's jawline until she reached Arizona's pulse point. Her teeth dragged slightly over the sensitive skin, drawing a moan out of Arizona.
Any other time and Arizona would be more than happy to continue, but tonight, all she wanted was to be close to Callie. The very concept of having sex seemed too emotionally fraught in that moment, so she tugged gently at Callie's hair.
"Calliope, I can't… not tonight." There was only understanding and a touch of relief in Callie's eyes as they stared at each other. Arizona started to move off of Callie's lap, but Callie held her in place. "Cal-"
"I just… I need you close. I need to know that you're alive, that you're still here."
"I know. I know. I need that too. Are you hungry?" Arizona carded her fingers through Callie's hair. She had missed this, the quiet intimacy with Callie. Of course, she had missed Callie's hair; she had great hair, but more importantly, it was being able to hold Callie close once more.
"Is it terrible if I say yes?" Callie grinned and Arizona's heart swelled.
"Of course not. Pizza or Chinese?"
"Chinese."
Arizona clambered off of Callie's lap in search of the takeout menu and her phone. All the while, she could feel Callie's eyes on her, as if she would disappear in the blink of an eye. As she chatted idly with Mr Ma about his daughter's SAT scores, she found herself also watching Callie, thanking whoever was listening that she and Callie had found each other again. Once the food was ordered, she curled up next to Callie, letting Callie rest her head on Arizona's shoulder.
"What were you watching?" Callie asked as she traced random patterns on Arizona's bare thigh, the calluses on her fingers catching slightly.
"The Philadelphia Story."
"Your favourite." Arizona snorted, wrapping an arm around Callie's shoulder. "You totally have a crush on Katharine Hepburn. I'm so right." Callie twisted slightly to look at Arizona, mirth coloring her expression. "Can we rewind? I don't remember what happens."
The opening credits playing, Arizona guided Callie to rest her head in her lap. Callie hummed with content as Arizona ran her fingers through her hair, gently working out the tangles from the stress of the day.
Maybe if she closed her eyes, she could pretend like the past month had never happened. As if she and Callie had never broken up and stared longingly at each other across the hospital. As if Callie hadn't tried to hate her. As if she hadn't come within feet of a mad man with a gun.
"Arizona, Arizona, food's here." A rough shake to her shoulder caused Arizona to wake with a start.
"Wha… oh, I must have fallen asleep," she mumbled, rubbing sleep from her eyes as she took Callie's proffered hand. "I had cash-"
"I got it already. It's on the table. Or what small bit of space is left on your table." Callie nodded towards the towering piles of files and journals and the vase of dying flowers. "I don't think I've ever seen your place look this messy."
Arizona's cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Her mother would have an absolute conniption over the state of her apartment. "Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly in the best place the last few weeks." She rubbed at the back of her neck when Callie's face fell. "I spent most nights at the hospital."
"Arizona, I-"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does."
"It's fine now, though, isn't it?" She tried to smile brightly, but she was fairly certain it came off more as a grimace. There was no point in rehashing how miserable they had both been. It'd only serve to make them feel worse than they already did. "Can you pass the dumplings?"
Callie opened her mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it.
The pair of them ate in practical silence beyond the quiet movie playing in the background. Arizona reached across the table, her elbow resting on a stack of The Journal of Pediatric Surgery journals from last year, to hold Callie's free hand. Unlike the silences that plagued them in the week leading up to their breakup, this silence was pleasant and easy.
Callie washed the dishes while Arizona dried, neither speaking, just easily falling back into the habits that had developed over the year of their relationship. Without warning, Callie pulled Arizona into a tight hug, burying her face in Arizona's hair. Her fingers dug into Arizona's shoulders, dancing the line between pressure and pain.
"We could've died. We almost died," Callie choked out, her voice partially muffled by Arizona's hair. "I gave him gauze. He could've shot me." Arizona's heart stuttered in her chest. "Oh my God, I nearly died. I nearly died and I told you I wanted to hate you."
Arizona cradled Callie in her arms, swaying slightly back and forth as she rubbed soothing circles between her shoulder blades. "I've got you. We're okay. We're okay," she repeated as if saying it enough times would will it into existence. "We're okay."
"I tried to hate you. I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you."
"I know. I know, Calliope. I know."
Another heart-wrenching, broken sob fell from Callie's lips. "I love you."
"I know. I love you too. I love you too." Arizona let her hip fall against the sink so she could better support Callie's weight, letting Callie sob against her, her whole body shaking. "I've got you. We're okay. We're still alive. I love you." She ran a hand up and down Callie's spine in a desperate attempt to soothe her girlfriend? Was Callie her girlfriend again? Or were they all the way back to that awkward stage of going on dates, but lacking the definition of their relationship? Could she handle that?
Callie sniffled, finally pulling back slightly. Arizona grabbed a napkin, offering it to Callie.
"... oh Dexter, I'm such an unholy mess of a girl."
"Well, that's no good. That's not even conversation."
"But never in my life, not even if I live to be one-hundred, will I forget how you tried to stand me on my feet again."
"No, you, you're in great shape." Arizona mouthed the lines along with Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant. A weak smile tugged at the corner of Callie's mouth as she gazed fondly at Arizona.
"You're such a dork."
"It's a classic," shot back Arizona before a yawn cut her off. She blinked up at Callie, reaching up to tuck a loose strand of hair back behind Callie's ear. "Are you staying here tonight?"
"Is that okay?"
"Of course!" Arizona was quick to respond, lest Callie mistake any delay as reluctance. "I… I don't think I want to be alone tonight," she admitted. Even on a good day, she was prone to nightmares, a byproduct of her job. Before Callie, she had dealt with those nightmares on her own, fleeing from a hookups' apartment before they could realize what was happening. Given that her last serious girlfriend prior to Callie had dumped her only two months after Tim's death, she wasn't used to having someone comfort her. Not until Callie.
Callie had been different from the start. But that first time she had held Arizona after a nightmare was precious beyond belief. Arizona had practically been ready to call it quits when she had woken up in a cold sweat in an on-call room, Callie pressed up against her back. But Callie had simply tightened her grip around Arizona's waist and wound their fingers together. She brushed her thumb over the bones in Arizona's hand, whispering the names of the bones in Arizona's ear until her breathing regulated.
Arizona, over the past month, had cursed herself for how reliant she had become on Callie's comfort. In the middle of countless nights, she found herself staring up at the ceiling, trying to recite the bones in her hand, only to find herself devolving into sobs, the stress of the nightmare and the potent loneliness without Callie overwhelming her.
Instinctively, she knew tonight would be bad, worse even without Callie. She needed Callie like she needed air.
"Do you have clothes I can borrow? I don't want to… these scrubs, I think I might burn them." Callie waved a hand towards her dark blue scrubs.
Lacing their fingers together, Arizona guided Callie towards her bedroom, pointedly ignoring the two small boxes still unpacked in the corner. Some childish part of her had refused to unpack for two reasons: one, a lingering sense of rebellion from her childhood, two, if she didn't unpack the boxes she brought back from Callie's, maybe it wouldn't be real.
Callie all but collapsed back on the bed, the exhaustion in her face becoming more pronounced. Arizona made a beeline for the drawer in her dresser when she had kept the random things Callie left at her place.
"How was Alex doing?" Arizona asked as she tossed a set of pyjamas Callie's way.
"He was still asleep when I left. Mark and Lexie were staying with him. Meredith has barely said a word apparently, so Lexie wanted to keep an eye on her too. It's all a bit surreal." Callie scrubbed a hand over her face. "D'you mind if I take a quick rinse?"
"Oh, right, go ahead. Uh, you know where everything is. There's extra toothbrushes under the sink."
As Callie showered, Arizona found herself retrieving the small box that held Tim's effects that her father refused to keep in the house. His spare set of dog tags that Nick had brought back, his battalion challenge coin, his Purple Heart and Silver Star, his lucky lighter that he had left with Arizona before his last tour because she was stressed about her upcoming intern exam. Her father had practically wanted to burn or throw out anything Tim had ever touched in the wake of his death. He had locked himself in his study, drinking and glaring at the shadow box of his father's medals and the folded flag. While she held her mother, he cursed the heavens for stealing away his father and his son and Arizona wondered if this war had taken her father from her as well. By the time he emerged and Arizona was desperately needed back at the hospital, he had shoved a shoe box of Tim's effects at her, snapping out something about wanting it out of his house.
Arizona and her father didn't speak for nearly three months after that, leaving her mother as their go between.
She brushed her fingers against her Oma's wedding ring, the ring that had been left to her as the only granddaughter of the Robbins. The simple band, all her grandfather could afford when he returned from Europe, ready to marry his high school sweetheart, glinted under the weak lights of her bed room. The three tiny diamonds imbedded took all of her grandfather's salary as a staff sergeant during the First World War to buy. But Arizona's favorite part was the engraving. 'Remember that I love you.' As her grandmother told it, he signed every letter he ever wrote to her with that phrase as he promised to return to her from war and his service to his country. Because Robbins men had served since they first landed in Boston in the eighteenth century, as her father and her uncles were so fond of mentioning.
Something akin to anger swirled within Arizona. Somehow she doubted that her long dead ancestors or even her father's father cared that Tim had served. They didn't know that he loved strawberry ice cream or that he used to play Bob Dylan songs on his guitar when Arizona was sad or that he wanted to be an astronaut when he was a teenager. None of that mattered because he was a Robbins and he would serve his country. But to Arizona, he was her big brother and he was dead because somebody shot him and there weren't any doctors.
"Arizona!"
She slammed the lid of the box shut, twisting to face Callie, the other woman's face marred by concern. She shoved the box back into its hiding place in her nightstand, feeling for all the world like she was hiding cigarettes from her mother again.
"I've been calling your name for like three minutes now. Is everything alright?"
No. The word was on the tip of her tongue, but instead she smiled and said, "Yes, sorry. Just lost in thought."
Callie quirked an eyebrow, but did not call her on her bluff. "Bathroom's free."
She nodded, pushing the anger back into the small box she kept it in. "Thanks. I won't be long." Callie still looked concerned, her hair curling around her shoulders, soaking through the old sleep shirt. "I'm fine, I promise."
"If you say so."
Arizona ducked into the bathroom, distinctly aware of Callie's concerned glances. She left the door open in the name of transparency, listening as Callie chatted briefly with Mark. Evidently, Callie had called him in a panic when Arizona didn't answer her calls, half convinced Arizona had fallen victim to some tragedy. Which honestly, with how things seemed to be going, wasn't entirely a far stretch.
"Mark says good night," called Callie from her bed.
Toothbrush lodged in her mouth, she poked her head out. "Te' 'im 'm gla' he' otay."
Callie pinned her with an incredulous look before saying, "Arizona says hi too." Arizona rolled her eyes in amusement before spitting out her toothpaste. "Yeah, sure thing, Mark. Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow." Callie tossed her phone on the bedside table with a sigh. "He sounds exhausted. I can't even imagine it. Operating on Karev in a freakin' conference room." Callie shuddered.
Arizona swallowed against the lump that had formed in her throat. She was rather fond of Alex Karev and his scowling, reluctant manner. He was practically Tim's polar opposite in every way, but there was something almost familiar about him. And he had been shot. Like Tim.
"Arizona."
"What?"
"You look like you're going to fall asleep standing up. C'mere." Callie lifted up the corner of the duvet, patting the empty space next to her. "I wanna hold you." Needing no further incentive, Arizona crawled into bed, pressing against Callie's familiar warmth. Callie curled protectively around her. "You smell good. I missed how your hair smells."
Arizona chuckled, drawing one of Callie's hands up to press a kiss to her knuckles. "It's just my shampoo." She reached out to flick off the lamp. "Nothing special."
"It smells like you." Callie hummed contently. "Do you want to get married?"
Arizona spun around in Callie's arm, her heart dropping out of her chest. "Wh...are you… what?"
Callie shrugged one shoulder. "I was just thinking… you know… with everything…" Taking notice of the presumably panicked expression on Arizona's face, she clarified, "I'm not proposing or anything. I was just thinking about it. I'm not saying like tomorrow or anything, but sometime in the unspecified future. I've been married before and it was honestly horrible, but I still think it's a nice idea."
Arizona chewed on her bottom lip as she considered what to say. "I… I mean, yes, I do, but Calliope," she paused, reaching out to play with the ends of Callie's hair, "it's not even legal for us to get married." Callie's half-smile dropped into a frown. "I mean, we can have a wedding and all that, but we can't, y'know…. Yes, I want to get married," she finished in a rush, desperate to stop the sad look in Callie's eyes. "You know me, I like to make plans. And I want you in my plans. You are my plans."
"I'm your plans?" Callie echoed, brushing her thumb across Arizona's cheekbone. "Good. You're my plans too."
Arizona leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Callie's lips. "Now, can we sleep? Not that I don't love talking with you, but I'm wiped and liable to say something stupid."
"Something stupid?"
"Mhm, like how I'm wholly and ridiculously in love with the most beautiful woman in the world."
"That's not stupid. That's smart," Callie said with a laugh. "But yes, sleep. I'll see you in the morning. Love you."
Arizona rolled back over so her back was against Callie's front, a contented smile pulling at her lips. "Love you too, Calliope."
xx
Arizona's mouth fell open in a silent scream, a hand outstretched in desperation. She tried to run, but her legs didn't work. She thrashed about, but nothing happened. All she could do was watch as Tim tried to run towards her only to freeze a few feet away from her. As he always did in her dreams, he pressed a hand to his chest as his eyes went wide and he looked so young. His hand dropped away, revealing the bloom of red against his combat fatigues.
"Zoie, help me. Please. Please, I don't wanna die."
Her eyes burned painfully with tears as she struggled against invisible bonds.
"I don't wanna die." The Tim standing before her in his fatigues morphed into the smiling, lanky boy who used to give her piggy back rides and throw her in snow banks. But his smile quickly faded as he stared down at the wound in his chest. "What happened, Zo? It hurts," he whined. "Don't make me go."
"Tim!" She finally screamed, "No, stay with me!"
But just as she was able to move forward, Tim disappeared into nothingness. She twisted around, desperately searching for her brother.
What she found froze her heart in her chest. An achingly familiar silhouette appeared in front of her. Dark hair cascaded down strong shoulders, moving slightly as the figure started to turn. Arizona wanted to scream not to turn around because she didn't want to see this. But it was useless as ever.
"Arizona," Callie said as she turned to face her, that soft, perfect smile on her face. "You got me shot." And as if on queue, red began to soak through the front of Callie's shirt, right above her heart. "Arizona. Arizona."
Pain exploded in her chest. She stared down in shock-
"Arizona! Wake up!" Something held her tight, making it impossible for her to move or even fight against it. "Arizona, I'm here. We're safe. We're okay."
"Calliope?" Arizona whimpered, blinking awake slowly. "Wha...what happened?"
Callie cradled Arizona closer to her, pulling her half on top of her. "You had a nightmare."
"I...the gunman...how could you?"
"What? How could I what?"
Arizona sobbed in Callie's shoulder, her fingers tight on Callie's shirt. Her fingers drifted over Callie's heart, holding until she could feel Callie's steady heartbeat. After a long few moments, Arizona moved slightly so her face wasn't pressed into Callie's shoulder. "'m sorry, I got your shirt wet."
"Oh, sweetheart, don't worry about that. It's okay. We're safe."
"How could you?"
"How could I what?" Callie asked again, her voice soft and careful, like one would speak to a child. "Arizona, what happened?"
"You stood in front of a gunman!" Arizona shrieked, moving slightly so she could smack Callie's shoulder. Callie's eyes went wide with shock. "You… you stood in front of a gunman and… and… I swear to God, Calliope, if you ever do something like that again…"
"I won't, I promise," Callie said, but to Arizona's ears, it was nothing short of disingenuous.
"You stood in front of a crazy man with a gun. You talked to him! Are you insane?"
"Shh, you had a nightmare."
"I saw you get shot! Just like Tim!" Another broken sob fell from her lips, sending her into another set of painful tears. Even though she could feel Callie's heartbeat, it somehow didn't feel real.
"Tim?" She could feel Callie's breath catch in her chest at the mention of her brother. "What about Tim?"
What about Tim? If there was a loaded question….
Callie carefully pulled them both up into a sitting position, Arizona curled between her legs. Callie brushed her fingers through Arizona's now sweaty hair, pulling apart any tangles.
"Arizona?" Callie prompted.
"Tim… Nick told me… Tim got shot."
"Nick told you?"
"My dad… the Colonel," she sneered out her father's title with no small amount of derision, "he was drunk the night before Tim's funeral and Nick was staying with us and Nick was there with Tim… he held him as he died. And the Colonel, he made Nick tell us what happened. And Tim got shot saving kids from a gunman. He was killed trying to protect people. I… I…." Arizona gasped for air.
"Distal phalanges. Middle phalanges. Proximal phalanges. Metacarpal bones. Hamate. Trapezoid. Capitate. Trapezium. Triquetral. Pisiform. Lunate. Scaphoid," Callie kept her voice level and slow as she traced over Arizona's fingers. "Breathe in, breathe out. There we go. That's it."
Once her breathing was back under control, Arizona continued, "And… and… you, you put yourself between me and a gunman and I promised your dad I protect the things I love and I couldn't protect you. And you could've died, just like Tim. And I can't… I can't lose you, Calliope. I don't think I'd survive it. I barely survived the past few weeks. I need you to promise me you won't ever do that again. Please."
"God, Arizona, I didn't know."
"How could you? I don't… it hurts to talk about Tim. Everyone else remembers him as a war hero, as the man who saved a little boy. But all I can remember is how he held my hand on the walk to school every day until I started high school. And how he left me with his lucky lighter because I thought I was going to fail the intern exam and I never got to give it back. And he was supposed to dance at my wedding. He was a hero, but he was my big brother and I can't lose anyone else. No, I can't lose you, Calliope. I barely survived Tim's… Tim…. Promise me, no more heroics." In an instinct borne of so many years in pediatrics, Arizona held up her pinkie.
With a bemused smile, Callie hooked her pinkie around Arizona's. "I promise. No more heroics." Callie pressed a kiss to Arizona's temple. "I'm here. I'm safe. I'm not going anywhere." Arizona managed to nod, exhaustion once more crashing into her body. "I've got you. You're safe. We're both safe." Callie hummed an indistinguishable tune as she held Arizona impossibly closer. "You told my dad you love me?"
"Uh, yes?"
"When?"
"When he was here last."
"Seriously?"
"Um, yes."
"You told my dad before you told me."
"I was trying to win him over."
"You weren't trying to win me over?"
"I thought I already had."
"I love you."
"Love you too."
xx
okay full disclosure, this might be my favourite thing i've written. i love he ain't heavy, but this drew a lot on my childhood, amongst other things. it was also great practice for some of what's upcoming in he ain't heavy.
a few just general notes to fill in any confusion:
- in this one-shot, tim is four years older than arizona
- their grandfather who died on the uss arizona was in his 40s and had also fought in the first world war and never met daniel robbins, his son (i have a very elaborate backstory for the whole robbins family at this point)
- i borrowed the hand bone thing from he ain't heavy, just in case you thought you had read it somewhere else - i didn't steal it from anyone other than myself
hopefully that helps!
also i'm increasingly aware that my fics are very much centered on can we make arizona suffer a bit while also making her deal with a whole host of personal issues? it's fun. we have fun here.
if this is your first time reading a fic of mine, i'd highly recommend he ain't heavy (my ongoing chapter fic) or where trouble melt like lemon drops (a season 14 au one shot).
much love xx