It was hard to miss someone you were angry at. Not hard to do. Just hard to experience.
Steven had realized that rather quickly, but he figured, with enough time, enough distance, enough progress, maybe he'd be able to move past it. Maybe the gems would become nothing more than a distant memory. Maybe he'd come to accept that he didn't want or need them in his life anymore, that he was doing better without them, that he could survive without them around. He figured, with enough progress, building up an actual support system that could actually support him, the gems could become just one of the many, many internal things he needed to overcome. A problem he could solve without having to directly face it. But he was quick to learn that the gems weren't a panic attack he could calm himself down from and forget about within the next twenty minutes. The more he tried to forget them, the more he thought about them.
It was hard to miss someone you were angry at, he lamented over and over and over again. He hated missing them. He hated remembering them. He hated thinking about seeing them again.
His mind came up with a bunch of different scenarios at night, with nothing but his thoughts, his nightlight-brother, his star pillow and his fish (who never seemed to sleep?) to keep him company. Sometimes his mind would supply him with snarky comments to throw in their faces, angry rants about how much they'd hurt him, how little they'd done for him, how great he was doing now without them. Other times, when the anger wasn't at its peak and he was too tired to derail his own thoughts again, he thought about… moving on. Seeing them in passing, offering a polite smile and a wave, telling them that he forgave them, but he couldn't be around them.
And sometimes, his mind would feed him gentle visions and pictures of him embracing them, laughing with them, reminiscing over the good memories they shared, reconciling and catching each other up on everything that had been going on in their lives. He pictured showing them his cane, and Hope, and- stars, he imagined introducing them to Aster, and showing his brother off.
These fantasies hurt a little more than the others. Somehow, they seemed so impossible.
It was hard to miss someone you were angry at, Steven realized, and even harder to stay angry at someone you missed. The euphoria that had clung to him ever since his discharge from the facility was rapidly fading, and while he wasn't exactly in the dark place he was before, he couldn't help but feel almost like his progress had screeched to a dead stop. He'd come so far, worked so hard, to get to where he was now. He was in such a good place. He had everything he could possibly need, everything he could want. So why was he letting this slow him down?
He hated it.
He hated them, for making him think this way, feel this way. If they had just been normal guardians or caretakers or whatever they were, if they had just taken care of him the way they were supposed to, the way they were trusted to, then maybe he wouldn't be the way he is. Was.
It was hard to miss someone you were angry at.
"So stop missing them," Parker drawled during a visit. Steven only smiled, eyebrows raising slightly as he stared at the Jenga tower in front of him, and shook his head a little at the words.
"It's not that easy," he murmured.
The look on Parker's face suggested the boy knew that very well.
His friend shrugged, and nodded at the tower. "Your move, Universe."
"There's no way I'm going to Little Homeworld," Steven laughed, but the sound fell short of amused or happy or anything positive, really. If anything, there was more contempt and bitterness lacing his tone than he actually meant to express, and it took him a second to pause and reign in his own bitterness toward the city - the city that they'd worked so hard on, he scolded himself frustratedly - as he cleared his throat, swallowed, and took a deep breath before starting over. "Yeah, uh, no, it's not really my scene." He offered a glance toward Jasper, distracted by Aster's Switch - his brother had just finally started playing 'Fable of Link' or something like that, he didn't know - before casting his gaze back to Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis. "'Sides, I'm not really interested in going all the way there just to run into you-know-who."
Bismuth scrunched her face up slightly, understanding but disappointed, and Steven briefly reconsidered not going. But he stood strong up until Peridot piped up, "actually, the gems are off today. The whole week, I think. Garnet's taking them on some sort of field trip for her class-" Steven spared a brief moment to think that the last time he saw the gems, Garnet was split, but-
"Don't care," he cut the green gem off quickly, but not without an awkward smile. "I don't, uh, I don't wanna know what they're doing." He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest (and feeling strangely defensive as he did so) as he turned his gaze back toward Jasper and Aster.
Garnet's back, his mind sang.
I don't care, Steven sang back.
He bit his lip, and sighed, leveling his gaze back to the others.
Whatever he had against Little Homeworld, maybe it'd be nice to distract himself with the city for a few days. The stars know he's needed the distraction. Beach City isn't really doing it anymore.
"Fine," he mumbled, gnawing harder on his lip for a moment. "But not for too long."
The grins that lit their faces were almost worth it.
(Okay, not almost, definitely worth it.)
"You didn't have to come along, you know," Steven murmured, keeping pace beside Aster. His brother was silent, idly fussing with the zipper of his jacket, but he looked over briefly when Steven spoke. His brother hadn't been in the… best of moods recently. Not down, but not too happy either. Somewhere in the middle - kind of where Steven felt himself to be at that moment. He was already worried about him, but a few days ago - nights ago - Aster had woken him up with… not quite a scream, but something like a scream, and it had been concerning enough for Steven to force his way up to the top bunk (bad leg be damned) to check on his brother, to find that Aster had had a nightmare. A nightmare. A bad one, it seemed, given the way Aster's eyes hadn't focused on him completely for at least two minutes, and his pupils were nearly invisible. It was a panic attack if he ever saw one, and he took it upon himself to spend the rest of the night with his brother until Aster fell back asleep in his arms, with Steven's shirt held tight his hands.
Sometimes, Steven forgot his brother was as young as he was. He also managed to forget, he realized with a flicker of guilt, just how much Aster had gone through, too. He'd been there with him every step of the way - he even had some experiences Steven himself couldn't account for - and the hybrid honestly should have taken it into account that his brother might just be as bad off as he was in the mental/emotional department. Steven just wanted to be there for him, the way Aster had been. "You could've stayed with Dad. I don't know how you feel about this place, but-" He studied the tension in his brother's shoulders for a moment, "you seem uncomfortable."
"I'm alright," Aster murmured, offering a brief smile in his direction. "I have nothing against this place." He looked away then, gaze flicking around briefly, and his eyes narrowed faintly before he turned back to Steven. "I know you do, however. Are you sure that you're okay with this?"
Steven nodded absently, giving him an empty smile before he realized what he was doing, and quickly correcting it with a shake of his head. "I mean- I- yeah, I guess. I don't really know."
Aster took his arm, gentle as ever, and gave a light squeeze.
Steven relaxed against his touch, murmuring a quiet, "just glad they're not gonna be here."
Aster hummed.
His smile was tighter when Steven checked again, but his eyes held nothing but warmth.
"Me too," his brother replied after a moment, barely a whisper. "Me too."
The funny thing was - Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis, while excited to have Steven back, were all busy in their own right. They tried to keep up with the hybrid and Aster for the most part, but Steven himself was quick to usher them off toward their respective classes when they threatened to be running late. He didn't want any of them to mess up their jobs or their teaching or the other gems' progress for him. He knew his way around, and he was sure he could get to wherever he needed to go. But that wasn't the funny thing. The funny thing was that, while those three were trying to keep the order around the city and juggle teaching their classes at the same time, Jasper was the one who ended up dragging Steven and Aster from place to place.
She took them, first, to one of her cooking classes, and they stood beside her and watched curiously as she worked. Steven found himself grinning ear to ear, not even speaking, simply watching in silent fascination as the orange gem cooked and worked and learned and paid attention and he didn't think he'd ever been prouder of her. She really was doing so much better.
"Oh, and Jasper," the gem in charge of the class called, "don't put salt in it this time!"
Jasper shot a glare over her shoulder, waited until the gem turned away, and proceeded to dump half the container of salt into the spaghetti she was cooking. Aster actually snickered.
He leaned over to the orange gem, murmuring softly, "try some pepper and sugar, too."
"I'm never eating anything you two cook again."
Next was Jasper's art class.
It went about as well as could be expected. Jasper and Aster emerged covered in paint, his brother's diamond-shaped pupils nearly wider than his eyes could fit, and Steven - who wore a red 'X' on his forehead as proof he didn't get out of the class unscathed, couldn't bite back his laughter as he followed them out. Those two were such a disaster. Steven loved them to death.
(Even though he was 90% certain the world was going to perish at their hands.)
"Fusion's next," Jasper mumbled, and lingered outside the building for a second. Steven peered up at the building and furrowed his eyebrows, silent. He knew exactly who ran that class - but, he remembered, Garnet wasn't there. And he also knew who took over the class when she was gone (and he couldn't help but light up a little despite himself at the thought). Still, beyond that, once it really registered what class they were about to go into, he couldn't help but feel a faint prickle of surprise, some excitement, and even more pride toward the orange gem than before.
"You're taking fusion class?" He marveled, and Jasper snorted. She reached up to adjust her glasses and mumbled a quiet "yeah" under her breath, while Steven teetered on the edge of 'not making a big deal out of it' and 'making a huge deal out of it' before settling quickly on the former.
Aster looked a little fascinated himself, peering in through the window. "Cosmo would like this."
Steven blinked, and offered a brief grin, opening his mouth. Before he could speak, however, he felt something bump into him - rather harshly - and turned his head to see Jasper receiving the same treatment (much to her irritation) by a Ruby. Steven's heart stopped, admittedly, at the sight of her, for just a second, before quickly taking off again at an alarming rate, relief and confusion mixing in equal measures. She looked a little different than the other Rubies, he couldn't help but notice; her hair was curlier, less resembling a block shape and more just hanging down, spilling over the sides of her face, to the tips of her shoulders and in front of the yellow visor she was wearing. She spared him a brief, disgruntled look as she turned to enter the building, only to freeze with her hand on the door and turn back to face him in an instant.
She stared at him for a moment, so much - too much - recognition in her gaze Steven wondered if they'd met before (maybe she was one of the Rubies he'd known way-back-when? He studied the gem on the back of her left hand, though, and that didn't seem to be the case, he couldn't recall knowing a Ruby with that gem placement before or after Era-3.) "You're Steven Universe."
A prickle of apprehension wormed its way down Steven's spine. Aster eased himself in between him and Jasper, making his presence known, and the Ruby's eyes darted to him immediately.
"I am," Steven finally muttered.
The Ruby didn't seem interested in him anymore. "And who are you?"
"Aster," his brother spoke, voice taut. Steven stilled for a second at his tone, blinking a few times at the barely-concealed hostility he heard there, which only served to put him further on edge. He eyed his brother from the corner of his eye for a moment, uncomfortable and unnerved.
The Ruby stared for a moment, then looked back toward Steven. "You're Pink Diamond's son?"
"We," Steven started, sparing a quick glance toward Aster - whose eyes were rooted to the Ruby intently, eyes narrowed and pupils having been reduced to pinpricks - before continuing, "we both are, uh, technically, yeah. It's complicated. Basically we were a fusion and then we weren't and now we're two different people and- yeah," he mumbled, and the Ruby furrowed her eyebrows slightly - Steven (knowing Rubies) didn't expect her to understand - but the faint flicker of recognition that flashed across her face after a few moments caught him off guard.
"So you're Pink Diamond's son, too," she directed the question to Aster.
Aster's jaw tensed. His gaze was smoldering, intense, rooted to the small gem. "Yes."
The Ruby gazed at them for a moment, trading glances from one to the other. An unreadable expression crossed her face, but it was gone in an instant, replaced with an almost blank look.
"It's nice to meet you," she murmured. "I'm Berry."
"Berry?" Steven couldn't help but feel some surprise. A nickname? Stars, most of the gems he knew didn't have nicknames, and those who did were usually given them by him, just to make things a little simpler. He hadn't yet met a Homeworld gem who had their own nickname, and he was somewhat curious by how and when that had happened. How long had she been here for? He couldn't recall ever running into her when he worked at Little Homeworld, and she clearly hadn't met him before either. So he was fairly certain she was a new arrival. "Like 'Strawberry'?"
The look Berry gave him could have shattered him on the spot.
"No," she grumbled. Her lips thinned.
She didn't say anything else.
Steven hesitated - awkward - and Aster spared a glance in his direction. He didn't look as hostile anymore, thankfully, but he definitely looked somewhat confused now. Steven could relate. He wasn't entirely sure what to make of this gem. She knew who he was - recognized he wasn't his mother (which he was pretty satisfied with since it usually took Homeworld gems a little while to grapple with that concept) and had even accepted Aster's existence rather easily. Still, there was something - something in her eyes when she looked at him, both of them, and the hybrid honestly didn't know what to make of it. Or even where to begin trying to place it.
"Finally," Berry sighed, and Steven startled for a second, before realizing she was looking past them. He craned his neck to look, catching a flash of green, and quickly shuffled to the side when a Peridot pushed their way through, mumbling apologies as they went. "It's about time."
"Sorry, sorry-"
"Shut up." Berry held the door open. "Let's go, we're late."
The Peridot grumbled somewhat mockingly at her in response, and ducked inside.
Steven blinked, staring after them. Berry caught his gaze as she turned, and seemed to hesitate for a moment, standing in the doorway. Then, heaving out a sigh that sounded more irritated than anything, she blew her hair out of her face and turned away completely, with nothing more than a glance in his direction and then in Aster's before she disappeared inside with the Peridot.
The hybrid stared after them somewhat blankly for a few seconds, processing. "That was weird."
"No kidding," Aster murmured, sounding a bit miffed.
Jasper peered at the door for a moment. "... whaddya say we skip this class?" She suggested with a glance toward the other two, and a shark-like grin. "And terrorize Lazuli instead."
"Sure."
"Sounds good to me."
Terrorizing Lapis consisted of sitting at the front of her class making funny faces at the students while she tried to teach over their bouts of laughter and snickers and whispering. It was a simple pleasure, but one that Steven cherished greatly until they were pretty much shoved out the door.
No regrets.
Alright, it wasn't all bad. Things calmed down a little after that, as Aster and Jasper seemed to get bored of being their naturally chaotic duo and Jasper eventually trudged off to her other activities. Which left the brothers alone for a while, wandering Little Homeworld somewhat absently and finding themselves ending up near the windmill for a while before they retreated to where Peridot's greenhouse was. Aster studied the flowers through the glass with a smile on his face, and eventually - mostly at Steven's suggestion - left him for just a brief moment to go inside. The only reason Steven didn't accompany him was because he could see Volleyball standing near Peridot and a few other gems, and he wasn't… particularly interested in having to interact with her. So, he stayed where he was, watching his brother and the other gems silently.
"Somethin' against plants?" A voice teased to his right - familiar and unfamiliar - and he spared a curious look toward the gem addressing him. A Jasper, no taller than… well, no taller than Amethyst. Somewhat surprised, he couldn't help but stare while the orange gem offered him a bright, toothy grin and angled her chin toward the greenhouse in a parody of a nod. "Yeah, me too. But that's mostly 'cause my first experience with plants was nearly gettin' poofed by a- sheesh, whaddya call those stupid snappin' ones? Darn thing actually tried to swallow me."
Steven couldn't help but laugh. "Venus flytraps? They're not too fun."
"You're tellin' me!"
The hybrid grinned, turning his head back toward the greenhouse, and leaned on his cane with a contemplative hum. "I don't have anything against plants. I'm just kinda, uh… well, I've got my own reasons for avoiding the place," he mumbled lightly, gaze lingering on Volleyball briefly.
"Sure, I got'cha," the gem replied absently. "I'm avoidin' my sisters."
Taken off guard by the word - sisters, she said sisters, does she even know what a sister is? - it took Steven a few seconds to formulate a proper response, which was a simple, "really? Why?"
The Jasper snickered. "'Cause the blockheads keep try'na drag me off to play some stupid sport. Like, I get it, ya wanna play with the big gems, that's totally cool an' all, but hellooo-" She held up a hand in a brief jazzhand gesture - which earned a grin from Steven in response - before flipping her hands around so that her palms were facing her, gesturing up and down her body until Steven raised his eyebrows in a mixture of understanding and amusement, "I'm a little too short to be throwing some ball sixty feet into the air through a hoop I can't see the top of!"
Steven laughed again, but this time it was a little pained, beyond her understanding.
"Shapeshift your arms and legs," he suggested.
"Cheating?" The Jasper teased. "I like your style."
"It's not cheating if it's not against the rules."
The Jasper laughed, and eased in beside him with a grin, settling there with as much ease as an old friend would. Steven found himself oddly relaxed in her presence as well, charmed by her carefree attitude and mesmerized by her humorous demeanor. She was a fun gem to be around, he could tell with only a few moments spent in her presence. "The name's Tangerine."
He blinked a few times, slowly, staring at the greenhouse for a few seconds before casting a curious look in her direction. Another gem with a nickname - a fruit-related nickname, at that.
Tangerine offered a charming smile. Steven chuckled, and dismissed the thought.
"It's nice to meet you, Tangerine. I'm, uh…"
"I know who you are," Tangerine interrupted, waving a hand.
Steven bit his cheek, forcing his smile to stay despite the way his heart dropped instinctively at the words. But Tangerine's smile remained warm and her stance remained casual and she hadn't tried to salute him and she didn't seem to hate him and honestly, what was he supposed to make of all these gems that somehow seemed to know who he was - who he was, really was - and yet didn't… have a problem with that? Didn't question it? Didn't even try to question it?
"Taaaangy!"
Tangerine threw a glance over her shoulder and sighed. "Aaaand I'm out." She pushed herself up and away from him, but not without a grin. "If ya see my sisters, don't send 'em my way."
Steven couldn't help but grin, offering a wink. "You got it."
"Nice meetin' ya!" Tangerine called, and then she was gone, a blur of orange as she spin-dashed away and disappeared into the distance. Steven gazed after her, letting his smile drop a little once she was gone, and furrowed his eyebrows slightly, tipping his head back a bit.
She reminded him of Amethyst. He winced at the thought, his heart giving a painful tug.
The hybrid sighed, and looked back toward the greenhouse.
It was hard to miss someone you were angry at.
They ran into Berry again, on their way to retrieve the other gems from their classes, toward the end of the day. This time, she was with the other Peridot, and his Peridot; Steven felt a flicker of surprise upon seeing the two of them together, stunned into silence as he and Aster approached the duo. Peridot was grinning, showing the other two something on her tablet, and Berry looked absolutely fascinated. The other Peridot seemed more interested in a dreamcatcher in their hands, fussing with it as the fingers of their limb enhancers slipped against it every now and again, fixing one of the strings, but they didn't seem to be struggling too much. Steven hesitated a little, debating on whether or not to interrupt them, but the choice was taken out of his hands.
"Steven!" Peridot yelled out to them, "Aster! I wanna introduce you to Berry and Lemon Lime!"
Lemon Lime. Steven took note of that, eyeing the other Peridot with a cautious smile, which eased into a sympathetic one at the frightened, deer-in-headlights look he received in response.
"Hello, again," the hybrid murmured. Aster didn't seem pleased, but he offered a nod in greeting.
"Again?" Peridot looked pleasantly surprised.
"We keep meeting," Berry replied, her eyes skittering across Steven's face absently. A heavy feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, but he did his best to offer a smile in her direction - which went unseen, as Berry had already turned her attention away from them and back to Peridot, who was completely oblivious to the tension that hung in the air. "We should get going."
"Right, yeah-" Peridot waved a hand, grinning. "Good luck."
Berry snorted, passing the tablet back to her. She left with nothing more than a mumble to Lemon Lime, who was quick to follow, carefully avoiding Steven and Aster's gazes as they did.
The tension was still palpable.
And, stars, he hated the tension. A familiar tension, one that weighed down heavy on his shoulders, an unliftable burden he couldn't seem to shake. He should have never come back to Little Homeworld. He should have never surrounded himself with other gems. He was doing so well, so well with humans, so well moving on - so well, trying to forget that this part of him still existed, this responsibility, this obligation to his mother's side of things. His cheeks warmed up a little, the threat of the pink glow he hadn't faced in so long. He bit his lip, struggling to rub it away from his face, and silently vowed to never, ever come back here unless absolutely necessary. There were too many memories, too many feelings associated with this place.
Too many things he wasn't ready to sort out just yet.
He was much happier when they got back home. He greeted Greg with a hug and a smile and retreated to his room to feed Hope and relax back on his bed. Aster followed suit, shutting the door behind him and waiting until Steven was finished with the fish before he came over and rested a hand over the hybrid's shoulder, offering a gentle squeeze to get his attention and a worried but warm look when Steven turned to face him, with a tired smile. "Are you okay?"
"I am now," Steven murmured. The experience hadn't been too bad. 10/10 would not recommend again and he wasn't going back anytime soon, but nothing world-shattering happened. He'd call that as much of a win as he could, if he was being honest. "Are you okay?"
Aster pulled back, looking contemplative.
"I was angry," he said suddenly. "I got angry, at the Ruby."
Steven nodded, flicking his gaze across his brother's face carefully. "I noticed."
Aster stared at him for a moment, something unreadable behind his eyes, an almost unsettled expression on his face. He didn't say anything else for a long moment, just gazed back at him.
"I think," he began, "I think I should talk to someone."
Steven almost suggested talking to him before he realized what his brother actually meant.
"Dr. Roberts?" He asked softly, and sighed when Aster nodded. Nothing but love, even in his breath. He took a step closer, abandoning his cane beside his dresser and reaching forward to pull his brother into a hug, which Aster accepted without hesitation. His hands curled tightly into Steven's shirt, his face pressing into the hybrid's shoulder, and Steven rested his head against his pink twin's with another low, gentle sigh. Anger. Destructive, dangerous, and yet beautiful.
Seemed like they both had some things to work on.
Steven found himself scrolling through his phone that night, unable to sleep and unable to lie awake staring at the bottom of Aster's mattress doing nothing until morning finally came.
He found himself scrolling through his phone, old pictures he'd managed to recover.
His thumb froze, hovering over one in particular.
Four smiling faces. Steven's spine prickled a little - a rather painful sensation - as he took them all in. Faces he hadn't seen for so long except in a fantasy, in memory, sometimes in a dream. He stared at Pearl's hand on her shoulder, the grin on her face as she stared into the camera. Amethyst's tongue sticking out, one eye looking in one direction and the other looking in a completely different direction - it was laughable, it was hilarious, it hurt and made him want to smile at the same time but he stubbornly kept his mouth shut, his lips pressed into a thin line.
Garnet, behind him, smiling so wide as she flashed a 'peace' symbol at the camera.
He studied the silver ring on her finger, hardly noticeable.
(Wondered if he had any pictures from the wedding.)
With his heart in his throat, he shut his phone off.
It was hard to miss someone you were angry at, especially when every inch of you loved them.
"So stop being angry," Jasper suggested off-handedly a few days later.
Steven opened his mouth to tell her that wasn't how it worked, he couldn't just stop being angry - but he stopped. He stopped, thinking about Aster. His brother wasn't going to therapy purely because of anger - he didn't have anger issues, and Steven knew that just as well. If anything, his brother was better at controlling his emotions than anyone the hybrid knew. It wasn't that he couldn't control it; it was that he didn't like the feeling. He didn't like the anger. Steven understood - he remembered the concealed fury on his twin's face that day on Homeworld, the flicker of rage that had shown when he'd screamed at White. Yeah. No. Steven understood.
Then he thought about Jasper, who was one of the angriest people he knew, and one of the worst at controlling it he'd ever seen. How much she'd changed. How much anger she let go of.
Was it that easy?
"Can we talk about the gems today?"
Maria peered at him over her clipboard, not looking surprised, but certainly looking pleased. It didn't take long for her to set it aside completely to turn her full attention back to him, as the hybrid settled his cane on the back of the couch and settled into place among the cushions and pillows, reaching out to tug one close against his chest. "Of course, Steven. Anything specific?"
"No," Steven murmured, fiddling with a corner of the pillow. "I've just been thinking about them a lot recently. And I- uh, I know we haven't really had a chance to talk about them. I don't…"
Had he ever told Maria why he didn't talk to them? Why he was angry with them? She knew he was 'estranged' from them, but she didn't know why, did she? She didn't know what had happened, she didn't know about the blowouts and the blowups and the fights and the anger and the things he'd said and the things they'd done and all the support he'd lacked growing up. She didn't know about the neglect - well, she did, but she didn't. Steven didn't talk about the gems. Maybe once or twice, an off-hand comment, voicing a frustration about a lingering thought or something that reminded him of them. But he'd never stopped to talk about them.
He frowned, pressing his mouth against the side of the pillow.
"I just wanna talk about them," he finally mumbled.
Maria offered a warm smile. "I'm all ears."
He spent the whole hour recounting almost everything that had transpired between him and the gems before he was moved to the facility. He repeated the things he'd said to them, the things they'd said to him, he walked her through their oh-so complicated relationships with his mother - although not too in-depth (they didn't have the time for that) and the role they forced him into at such a young age to try and fill her shoes. He told her about days and weeks spent alone at home while they were out adventuring, unable to go because he wasn't useful enough to go-
And then he got off track. So, so off track.
So off track he didn't even know how the hell he ended up where he was.
He told her about Purple Puma and Tiger Millionaire. He told her about the Secret Club. He told her about Citchen Calamity and the rock concert Pearl had taken him and Amethyst to. Talking about Pearl and Amethyst led him to regaling her with the story of the first time he saw Opal.
"It was so stupid," he was laughing, though his eyes stung. "I just… stars, I miss them."
The words wavered and trailed. His eyes were warm, wet, but the tears that formed didn't spill.
"I hate this," he whispered. "I hate this. I want to forgive them. I can't stop thinking about them now, I can't- I can't move on. I'm not happy-" The words died on his tongue for a few seconds, throat closing up for a brief moment. Maria's hand twitched toward the box of tissues on the coffee table, but Steven shook his head slightly, and she sat back again while the hybrid composed himself, taking a few deep breaths and letting his head fall back against the back of the couch. "I'm not happy with this. I keep thinking about what would happen if I- if I ran into them again, if I spoke to them- I don't even know what I would say. I'm still angry. I'm so angry."
"It's okay to be angry," Maria replied softly.
"I don't want to be," Steven breathed. "I want- stars, I just- I don't know what I want." He lifted a hand, rubbing at his eyes, and finally accepted a tissue when he pulled his hand back to find it a little more wet than he would have liked. "I mean, I have what I want! Everything that I want! I- I've got Dad, and Aster, and Jasper, and my friends, and you, and Connie. I have everything."
"But these are the people you grew up with. You called them family. You cared about them. You still do," Maria reminded him gently. "And from what I understand, they care about you, too."
Steven's chest shuddered as he breathed in. His jaw trembled. "Not enough."
Maria leaned forward, resting a hand against his knee. Some of the tension pinched in his shoulders eased at the contact, but the pain exploding in his chest didn't fade. "I know they didn't do enough. But that doesn't have to mean that they care any less about you, either. You're grieving," her voice softened, as Steven sucked in another shaky breath and ripped off one of the corner pieces of the tissue as he ripped his gaze away from her. "Now you have to decide if cutting them off completely really is what you want. Whether it's doing more harm than good, whether you think you'll really be able to move on - or whether you need just a little bit more closure, or a chance to really decide what you want to do about the situation."
"They haven't even-" He stopped, for a moment, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat and rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. "They haven't even tried to- to contact me or anything, you know. Not once. Not through any of the gems - not that I'm aware of, but I… I don't know."
Given his very noticeable disdain for the gems lately, he wasn't sure anyone would be willing to pass a message to him from any of them. He didn't know. He didn't know what to think.
"Maybe they understand that you need space," Maria suggested.
It'd be a first, Steven thought numbly.
"Steven." Her hand squeezed his leg, gentle but insistent. "You're not obligated to forgive them."
"I know."
"But you're not obligated to hold onto all this anger and resentment, either," Maria continued gently. "You have a right to be able to move on, however you have to do that. And if this is still persisting after all this time away from them, if you're still hurting, then there's something to be said about unfinished business. The way things ended between you doesn't leave a lot of room for closure, does it? Certainly not in a healthy manner, either. So." She pulled back, offering a smile, as Steven furrowed his eyebrows. "Do you think you should try reconciling with them? If only briefly, to clear the air and see if maybe really talking things out with them again - now that you're in a better place to do so - can ease some of this anger and grief that you're feeling?"
The air shuddered between his teeth. He pulled his lips back a bit, pressing them into a thin line.
"I don't know," he mumbled.
He didn't know if it was that easy.
Could it be that easy…?
Again, he found himself staring at his phone later that night, stretched out on his stomach on his bed. Aster had decided to completely stop the whole 'sleeping thing' until he beat the game.
Steven found that picture again, lingered on it for a moment.
He scrolled down.
He didn't have any pictures of Homeworld. Whatever ones he had taken while he was living there had been deleted almost immediately after he'd snapped them - looking at them had made him sick to the stomach and he hadn't known why back then, but he'd made the excuse of 'not enough space' to justify his own actions to himself and had done away with them entirely.
No pictures of Homeworld. But there was Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, Lapis and Peridot together, because he'd wanted to get a group picture with all the gems and their new forms. There were pictures he'd taken of the newly un-corrupted gems from afar - and he found himself staring at something he'd somehow missed, in the background of one of his photos, of Amethyst - in complete shark form - preparing to shove Pearl's head under the water. He remembered hearing the pale gem shriek not long after he'd taken the photo, but he hadn't paid much mind to it because that was the moment that Bismuth had ushered little Larimar over to meet him.
Still, he couldn't help but snort.
Aster glanced up at him over his Switch, raising an eyebrow in his direction, and he couldn't keep back a smile as he looked back down again with a casual, "are you talking to Connie?"
He was so not talking to Connie.
The smile he found on his face suddenly felt sinful.
"No," he managed, a little hesitantly. Aster looked up again, fixing his gaze on his brother silently, and Steven stared at his phone for a moment before letting out a long, drawn-out sigh and rolling over onto his side to face the pink gem. "No, I was just… I was just looking at some old pictures on my phone." Once again, he stared at it, somewhat enraptured, and hesitated before turning the screen toward Aster so that he could see. His brother spared it a quick glance, understanding flickering across his face, and looked back up at him knowingly. "I just…"
"I know, Steven," Aster told him gently, lowering his Switch a little to get a better look at the hybrid. He didn't move from the beanbag, and he didn't look at the phone again. Steven ended up turning it away, setting it face-down - screen-down? - on his bed. "I know you miss them."
"It's complicated."
Aster hummed. His gaze went toward Steven's phone, understanding evident in his expression, but there was also something unreadable. "Do you think you're ready to talk to them again?"
Steven responded with nothing more than a shrug, and studied his brother's expression carefully. Aster had already admitted holding some disdain? Negativity? Something not inherently positive? Toward the gems, but Steven had no idea how deep these feelings went. He'd never avoided a discussion about the gems, always willing to talk about them, and he'd even admitted to Steven a few times that while he didn't believe they'd intended to hurt him, they still had hurt him, and he was allowed to be angry about that. That begged the question…
How long, exactly, was he willing to stay angry about it?
Aster sighed. There was nothing but fondness in his expression now. "You don't have to do anything alone," his brother reminded him, pushing himself up and heading over, and Steven rolled back onto his back so that the pink gem had a little more room on his bed to take a seat. "I could accompany you, of course, if you wanted to go and try to talk things out with them."
Steven nodded faintly, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "I'm still angry at them."
"Perhaps talking to them now will help," Aster replied lightly. "You're in a much better place now."
"That's what Maria said," Steven chuckled, and sighed again. He shifted over, and Aster offered a small smile before shifting to lay on his stomach beside the hybrid. "Are you angry at them?"
Aster didn't respond immediately, resting his chin in his hand and finally pausing his game, nestling the Switch between his arms. "That's not something that can be fixed with a talk, I think. It's also not something that should interfere with the progress you're making, or whatever direction you want to take with the gems at this point. You already know very well that I'll support whatever decision you make regarding them. If anything, if reconciling or even just talking with them, even briefly, could be good for you, then I encourage it, one-hundred percent." He dropped his hand, stretching his arms out, and offered the hybrid a small, knowing smile, while Steven thought that over. "You do what's best for you. I can handle how I feel about them."
Steven offered a faint smile, pushing his phone out of the way and rolling closer to his brother, and Aster huffed out a quiet laugh as he shifted to wrap his arms around the hybrid in response. "You're the best," Steven murmured, pressing his face into his twin's shoulder with a soft sigh.
"You're the best," Aster chuckled softly. His mouth pressed against the side of his head, while Steven curled his fingers into his brother's shirt and let himself relax completely, sinking against the pink gem. Aster let out a quiet, content hum, resting his head against Steven's for a few seconds before adding quietly, "and you deserve the best. You do whatever you need to do. Whatever you want to do. Moving forward doesn't always have to mean leaving things behind."
Steven heaved out a sigh. "You'd make a good therapist."
"Maybe." Aster laughed a little. "I might look into that whenever I finish my own therapy."
Steven pulled his head back at this, snapping his gaze up to his brother. "So you're going?"
"I'm seeing Maria this Thursday." Steven grinned, and Aster managed to look amused for a moment, before his smile suddenly dropped into a serious expression. "... so how does it work?"
"I think I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off. Just go see them."
Connie hummed, setting the picnic basket down as Steven finished spreading out the blanket. "Hey, I say go for it. I could go with you if you want," she offered, and Steven let out a quiet hum. Both her and Aster had offered to go with him, but Steven wasn't too sure about bringing either of them. Introducing his brother to the gems wasn't, uh… well, it wasn't quite a part of his fantasies anymore. Of course, he doubted an introduction was needed considering they'd probably already met when everything with Spinel had happened… and Aster wasn't fond of them, and Steven wasn't going to try and force anything on that front, especially since he, himself, was still pretty pissed off with the gems. He thought… maybe this was just something…
… he needed to do on his own. He was almost scared to, given what had happened last time they were together, though. He didn't even know what he was going to say to them. He didn't know how he was going to react once he was in front of them. It only made it so much harder.
Connie offered him a sandwich, cut in the shape of a heart, and he let the matter drop.
He'd think about it later. Picnic dates were way more important.
"When are the gems coming back?"
Lapis paused briefly to spare him a surprised look, raising an eyebrow briefly in his direction before turning back to what she was doing - giving Pumpkin a bath. "This Friday, I think. Why?"
"No reason," Steven replied quietly.
No reason at all.
Aster met him outside the building. Steven had his eyes fixed on the sky, quietly watching a few birds flutter back and forth. Greg was sitting in the van beside him, tuning his guitar while they waited; the moment he heard the doors open, Steven spun around, rocketing to face his brother.
"How'd it go?" He asked eagerly. Aster looked somewhat puzzled, making his way over to them.
"I failed."
"What? Aster, you can't fail at therapy-"
"I failed," Aster said matter-of-factly. "Trust me."
Steven stared at him for a moment, not knowing what to say - or what to think, for that matter. Greg looked equally confused, exchanging a glance with the hybrid. "Uh… what happened?"
Aster didn't respond.
"Aster?" Okay, he was officially worried. "What happened?"
"Nothing."
"No, seriousl-"
"No, really. Nothing. Literally nothing." Aster climbed into the van. "I couldn't say anything. I sat on the couch and stared out the window for an hour and I couldn't say anything." Steven frowned, furrowing his eyebrows as he climbed in after him. "I don't know what happened. I…"
Steven frowned, wrapping his arms around his brother. "First time's always a little weird." He was pretty sure that the only reason he actually ended up talking to Maria was because she seemed to know exactly what to say and what to do and what buttons to press to make him talk. But, he had always had a hard time keeping his mouth shut anyway. Aster, in comparison, was a lot more quiet unless he was around Steven or Jasper; he tended to keep to himself for the most part and never really seemed to have anything to say to anyone else. He was just… quiet. That, combined with how anxiety-inducing Steven knew these therapy-appointments could be… it wasn't hard to imagine his brother, so calm and collected, freezing up, clamming up like that.
It wasn't hard, because Steven saw the child behind his relaxed demeanor, the one that got excited about snow and laughed at cute animal videos and pulled random pranks with Jasper. The one that loved strawberry donuts and snuggled with Lion on the couch during movie nights, and obsessed over games like the 'Fable of Link' and Mario Kart and Splatoon. The one that collected flowers from random places whenever he got the chance, and freaked out about fake jewels and gems from the shops in Empire City, and stimmed when he was happy and excited.
The one that burst awake in the middle of the night, gasping through nightmares he didn't talk about, and clung to him like his life depended on it when Steven climbed into bed beside him.
The one he was now, quiet and confused and unsure what to make of all these new changes.
(Stars, Steven understood.)
He pressed his face into his brother's hair. Aster melted into his arms silently.
"You can do this," he murmured softly. "I know you can."
Aster didn't respond, but Steven's gem hummed a little, filled to the brim with warmth and love and gratitude, and the hybrid smiled a little as he nuzzled the side of his face against Aster's hair, sighing softly as he pulled him closer and let the rest of the world fall away for the moment.
Rip the band-aid off.
The sand felt so weird under his cane. It dug in a little every now and again as he walked, but never enough to slow him down too much. Not that he was really trying to go fast; oh, no, he was walking about as slow as he possibly could. Lion was beside him, keeping pace somewhat lazily - in the end, Steven had decided to just take him along for support. As much as he appreciated Aster and Connie's - and then Greg's, and then Jasper's - offers to come along with him, he still felt like this was something he had to tackle on his own. Well, mostly on his own.
Quietly, he brushed a hand through Lion's mane and kept walking. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot.
Rip the band-aid off.
Maybe he should have brought someone.
Left foot. Right foot.
He hadn't seen the beach house in so long. His eyes widened a little as he took it in, drawing closer to his childhood home. Something stirred in his chest, something like anxiety, and dread.
Something like excitement. Something like longing.
Left foot.
Warmth flooded his cheeks. Pink glow. Steven rubbed at his face, but didn't try to force it back.
Right foot. Left foot. Jeez, he forgot stairs existed. How had he managed to avoid them for so long? He tapped his cane against the edge of the bottom one and wrinkled his nose slightly, looking up at the house. So many mixed feelings churned in his gut, both negative and positive. Lion took a step up and turned his head to look back at the hybrid, his face blank and yet somehow screaming a million questions Steven wasn't entirely sure he knew how to answer.
He stepped up after him after a moment, using his pink companion and cane for support, and took a deep breath to steel himself as he made his way to the top of the porch. He couldn't keep his eyes from straying toward the observatory - his garden - and wished for a second that he'd brought Aster along… but his brother had so much going on already. No… yes, that could wait.
The hybrid paused at the top, staring at the door and then through the window.
The gems weren't home. No, right then, they'd be at Little Homeworld. For the moment, Steven was left alone - with Lion - at his old house. He was more anxious about it than he expected.
Lion huffed. Steven shook his head, and pushed the door open.
Rip the band-aid off.