Pacey blew out a candle and was about to turn in when he heard her knock. A delighted smile turned his frown upside down as he raced to open the door.
"Why, Miss Potter, I was beginning to think you were never—"
"Eddie came back." She cut him off, maneuvering past his body and stunned expression to get inside the apartment, taking in the sight. Candles. Rose petals on the floor. Two cups of hot chocolate on the counter. Pacey being Pacey, he'd planned the perfect night. And here she was about to ruin it.
He finally turned around, mouth agape, and followed her gaze around the room. This was not how he thought their night was going to be.
"Eddie's back?" Pacey parroted, looking for confirmation. Maybe he was hoping he'd misheard her. That it was all some kind of mean or cruel joke. That it wasn't real.
Joey stared at him for a while, seeing all that hope boiling under the surface of those ocean-blue eyes. Unable to face them any longer, she looked down at the floor.
"Yeah, he stopped by the bar and he…" She tucked her hair behind her ears and forced herself to look up at him. "He wants to give me and him another try."
Of course he does! What did he expect? Did he really expect to get a good job, a nice apartment, the Mustang and the girl of his dreams? When has the universe ever been so kind? Never. Never with him. Pacey took a deep breath and ran his hand over his face, trying to gather his thoughts. Telling himself this wasn't about him right now. It was about her. It was her choice. It always has been.
"And what did you say?"
"Nothing." She sputtered, taking her reddish-brown coat and laying it on the back of the couch before flopping down on it. "I just ran out of there and came across the street to tell my best friend."
Best friend? That didn't bode well. A couple of years ago, he'd be ecstatic to claim the title away from Dawson, but not now. Not tonight. Not like this.
"Right." Pacey replied surly, closing the door behind him before heading to the counter and picking up the two mugs of hot chocolate, cold chocolate now, pouring them over the sink. He had to hide the disappointment in his face somehow.
Something in his tone made Joey realize she'd said the wrong thing and get up to stand behind him at the counter.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
Pacey turned around to look her in the eyes, his features under control now.
"Then how did you mean it?"
She looked back at him, choosing her words carefully.
"That if anything this past year and that night locked in the K-Mart has proven is that no matter what's going on in our lives, no matter what's going on with us, we can always be honest with each other."
"Ah, but precisely because of what's going on with us, I can't be honest with you about this. I don't even know if I can talk to you about this!"
She arched an eyebrow.
"Why not?"
Pacey shook his head. For a bright girl, she could be really daft sometimes. "Because I'd find it very hard to provide an impartial opinion."
Joey bit her bottom lip, recognizing the simple truth in his words.
"So where does that leave us?"
"Where we've been before. With you having a choice to make. One I can't make for you." And please pick me this time, his insides wanted to scream.
She buried her face in her hands. "Why does this keep happening to me?"
"It's the curse of those who were born with smarts, beauty and wit. Don't worry, I'm plagued by it just as much as you are." He quipped, even though his heart wasn't really into it.
Joey scowled at him and he couldn't help a smirk at the familiar look.
"Will I lose you if I choose him?"
That wiped the smirk right off his face.
"That is generally how it works." He answered in a non-committal tone, stifling down the hurt feelings bubbling up inside him. He was going to be her second choice. Again.
"Even as a friend?"
There was that word again.
"What are you asking me here, Jo?"
She didn't answer that. Didn't know herself.
"What did you imagine it would happen in this hypothetical world where you picked Eddie? That I'd be tagging along with you two? Sharing a pitcher of beer down at the bar? All of us going to the movies with Jack and Jen? I can't do that, Joey. Not now that we both know how I feel. I love you, Jo, but that…that I won't do!"
Her breath got caught in her throat. Did he just…?
"You love me?" she blurted out.
Pacey sighed. As always, he'd let his emotions get the better of him and said more that he'd wanted to. He started walking back to the couch, trying to put some distance between her.
"I didn't mean it like that…"
"The how did you mean it?" she threw his question at him, grabbing Pacey's arm as he walked by.
Her desperate touch and pleading eyes sent him into overdrive. Suddenly, he couldn't remember any of the very important reasons why he'd been keeping his love hidden from her.
"I meant it exactly like that. My whole life…my whole life you have been the most beautiful thing in my orbit and my feelings for you were what proved to me that I could be great, and those feelings were stronger and wiser and more persistent and more resilient than anything else about me. When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you. And I could love you again. This could be it. If you'll let it."
Joey let go of him, speechless. That stunning declaration of love just made what she had to do all that much harder.
"I-I can't."
Pacey's entire body deflated. He put his heart out there and it got trampled. Twice. By the same girl. What is it they say about insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
"Why?" Pacey somehow managed to get out. Don't say you love Eddie. Please, don't say you love Eddie, he closed his eyes and prayed silently.
Turning her back on Pacey, she wiped at her eyes, brimming with tears, and took refuge from him on the couch.
"Because I'm scared."
Pacey's eyes fluttered open and he tentatively sat down next to her on the couch. Maybe there was a small sliver of hope for them yet.
"What are you scared of, Jo?"
She took a deep breath before speaking the words she had never dared to say out loud before.
"That it's either too soon or too late. I think…I think I love you too, Pace. I know part of me still does and always will, but last time we tried to be more than friends, I got my heart broken into a million little pieces. Some of them I'm still trying to put back together and some…I think were lost forever. And I can't go through that again. Even if we're different people now. Even if we're in a better place. If it ends, it'll kill me!"
Pacey bit back a sarcastic remark about how he was glad she didn't pick up Dawson's flair for the dramatic and asked a more poignant question instead.
"But Eddie won't?"
"Eddie…is different. We have a lot in common. Books and…and we see the world the same way, we have the same outlook on love. And even if it's not meant to last, I survived him leaving before."
"You survived me leaving before too."
Joey turned to face him as if he'd been listening to her but hadn't really understood her.
"I did. My heart didn't."
Pacey had nothing to say to that. Guilt, anger and frustration were battling for dominance inside him. He felt as if the cushions were burning him alive and sprung to his feet. Anger had won.
"You know what? You're right!"
That surprised her.
"I am?"
"It's too soon or too late. Until you've given yourself permission to feel, to love and be loved as you deserve to be, then you'll always be running from the real thing! You'll always be running from me into Eddie's or Dawson's arms!"
"This has nothing to do with Dawson, Pacey!"
"Doesn't it, Jo? 'Cause to me, Eddie is just Dawson by another name. Sure, he looks different and he treats you differently, but he's still a dreamer, an artist, the kind of man you can imagine yourself being with because it's oh so safe and comfortable. Because they love something else just as much as you. Dawson loves movies, Eddie loves books, but it's the same damn thing!"
He paused for a breath and her silence only encouraged him to go further, to make his point.
"They'll never be able to give you all their love because their hearts are already full. And that takes the pressure off, doesn't it? Because you know where you stand with them. You accept it. You don't have to risk your heart again. You don't have to give them your all because they won't give it back to you. And if it ends…no, when it ends, they'll always have something to fall back on, so you won't feel guilty. But not with me. No, with me you'd always come first, Jo. You always will. Or am I wrong?"
Joey wanted to say that he was, only she couldn't get the words out through the tears and the truth. But he still wasn't finished.
"And you keep forgetting something in this little revisionist history of ours…my heart was just as broken as yours was when we left high school. And yet, here I am, willing to give it to you again. Because you know what I am scared off, Jo? I'm scared of settling. Scared of waking up five years from now, ten years from now or even twenty years from now, married with kids, looking at the woman beside me and realizing that I don't feel for her the same way I felt for you. That's what I'm afraid of. And, for the life of me, I don't get how that thought alone doesn't scare you so much more than the thought of us?"
"I can handle half-a-love, Pace. Yours, I'm not sure."
The words were out before she could stop them and they left Pacey frozen in place. Realization hit him in that moment. He wasn't going to convince her. He may never will.
"Right." Pacey uttered at last, lacking a better word. "Then I think I'm done."
Joey looked up at him expectantly as he moved past her to the door. "And I'd like you to go now."
"Pace, I—"
"No, Jo, you've made your choice before you even came in here and to keep arguing about it will only bring us more pain. So do us both this final courtesy and leave, please. Besides, I think I need…I need to see it. I need the image of you walking away from me burned into my brain so I can finally start putting these stupid, old, hopeless feelings of mine to rest."
Joey gazed upon his pained blue eyes, trying to figure out just how serious he was. His words hurt, but not as much as the resolve in his eyes. When she saw him open the door and not backing down, Joey got up and went to him.
"I hope you know that I love you, Pacey, just—"
"Not enough to actually love me?"
"That's not—"
He raised his hand, stopping her mid-sentence.
"It's okay, Jo. I don't have to agree with your decision. Hell, I don't even have to understand it! But I do have to respect it, and this is me trying to do just that."
"But we can—"
"No, Jo, you don't get to dictate how I get over you. This is something I have to do on my own, my own way, and it doesn't involve you. In fact, it involves the least amount of you possible right now!"
She just stood there in the threshold, not knowing what to say or do.
"So I should…?"
"Leave. Exit. Retire. Depart. Split. Pick one." He listed off, aiming to ease the tension with a joke and succeeding only in making the words sound bitter.
But she didn't want to go. Not if it meant facing the possibility of never seeing him again.
"You're killing me here, Jo! Either you leave, or I will." He stated, panic showing in his dangerously high voice. He did not want to break down in front of her.
And she did. Holding back tears and her breath, she took a step outside and turned around in the hallway to face him with the best hopeful smile she could muster.
"See ya, Pace."
"Goodbye, Jo." Pacey said matter-of-factly, closing the door in her face.
Her smile fell. Standing in that dimly-lit hallway, Joey had never felt so alone. She couldn't live without him. Without their back and forth. His crude attempts of humor. His darn blue eyes. His touch. His smell. She couldn't let it end like this. She couldn't let it end.
So she didn't.
Pacey was on his way back to the room, crunching a rose petal with his foot in what he thought was a fitting end for the night, when he heard the knock. He stopped dead in his tracks. It was his turn to make a choice now. He could let her in and listen to what else she had to say or keep her out. Chances were she just wanted some closure of her own and he'd be better off saving himself from that. But when has he ever been able to say no to her?
Looking back at the door, he noticed her coat draped over the couch and berated himself for even thinking she was knocking for any other reason. Joey Potter was nothing if not a practical girl. Sighing, he took the coat off the couch and made for the door, swinging it open.
"Here you—"
Joey pushed her coat out of the way and wrapped her arms around his neck, enveloping him in a kiss so deep that she made him lose his balance. They fell over each other on the couch. Pacey's hand roamed through her body, his touch lighting a fire underneath her skin, but he pulled away the second clothes were threatening to come off, probably expecting the other shoe to drop as always.
"Let me guess…this doesn't mean what I think it means?"
Joey gently caressed his face, trying to put him at ease. Trying to make him understand that her hung ups were her own fault, not his.
"I didn't want that image of me leaving to be the last thing you'd remember."
He straightened up and sat on the couch, waiting for her to go on.
"I wanted me coming back to be."
"So this is still goodbye, just a better one?"
She breathed in and out, gaining courage to sit down beside him.
"In a way, yes, because that Joey did leave. The one that came back is very different."
Pacey narrowed his eyes at her, very much not in the mood for games. She smiled, recognizing the expression she worn on her own face so many times before.
"I realized something as I was standing outside. I realized that nearly all my life, I'd let fear dictate my choices. Not going to Paris. Dawson. And now Eddie. So I started to think about the ones when I didn't. The ones that I'd either ignored or surpassed it. Like drinking and playing strip poker. Singing in front of a crowd in a beauty pageant or a bar. Getting on the True Love with you. And you know who made those choice?"
Pacey smiled fondly, knowing exactly who she meant.
"Other Joey?"
She smiled back, her tongue peeking out through her teeth, and nodded.
"Joey left to be with Eddie, Pacey, but Other Joey is standing right in front of you. If you'll have her."
"I can see that. And how long does she plan on staying?"
Her smile faltered. She didn't want to ruin the mood, but she had to answer honestly.
"I-I don't know. I can't promise you old Joey won't come back tomorrow or the next day or a year from now, carrying all her dumb fears with her, but I think, no, I hope, that if we both take good loving care of Other Joey, she might stay forever. Is that okay with you?"
Pacey mulled it over for a bit, each second that ticked away another needle in Joey's heart. But it was all for show. Pacey's decision was made the second she walked through that door. After all, when had he ever been able to say no to her?
"I'll take what I can get, Potter!"
Joey's smile turned into a giant grin as she leaned in for a kiss, but he sidestepped her and got up from the couch.
"I've been meaning to ask you something all night, Joey."
He held his hand out to her.
"Would you like to be carried to my room?"
She took it.
"Yes."
His face brightened up and he gently pulled her to him, lifting her up in his arms as he started their small trek to the bedroom.
"How come this feels so right?" She asked amusedly.
"I think my back would disagree." He countered, wincing exaggeratedly.
She kissed his nose, his cheek and his chin before brushing his lips with hers. "I'll take a good look at that back in just a second."
He threw her his biggest shit-eating grin before closing the door behind them with his foot.