It's silly, he knows.
By all rights, they should be a couple now. They talked about this, about their relationship. They know what they are to each other – what they mean to each other – and they both know, beyond a doubt, that they want the same thing.
It's been maybe a week since the whole stranding incident, but he can still remember what he said to her in the cave. "I think it's awesome the way you shoot starbolts." Good Lord. They somehow end up in a situation where their lives literally depend on his ability to flirt, and that's the best he can come up with?
But she loved it anyway. She always does. Maybe it's a Tamaranean thing. Maybe she knows what people really mean when they say dumb stuff like that. Maybe she just likes compliments, no matter how ridiculous they are. Maybe, he dares think, it's just because he's the one saying it.
He wishes that, instead, he could have told her what was really on his mind. I think I'm in love with you.
…That's the problem, of course. He most definitely is in love with her. And that terrifies him.
She's in the common room now, and he takes just a moment to watch her try out a new videogame with the guys. She's laughing, completely undaunted by the learning curve of the game, already starting to pick up on a little strategy. She's so bold, so eager to try anything and everything. So eager to spend time with the people she cares about.
He knows that, realistically, nobody can be perfect. But he thinks she comes pretty damn close.
And that's why it scares him. He doesn't want to hurt her, to mess something up and make that sparkle in her eye go away. He doesn't want to risk losing what they already have. He doesn't want to get so wrapped up in a relationship that it weakens who they are as teammates and heroes.
But he knows, now, that those are all just excuses. She's too strong for any of that, and he thinks that maybe he is too. That doesn't stop the fear, though.
He just needs time, he's decided. Time to embolden himself. To quiet the voice of his mentor in his head, with its strict warnings about the risks of dating a teammate. To quiet his own self-doubt.
She seems to understand. She hasn't said anything since then about pursuing an "official" relationship, at least. He hopes she can continue to be patient with him.
Just a week or two, he thinks. By then he'll have worked up the courage to ask her out properly.
It is silly, she knows.
He always has been better at showing affection for his loved ones than admitting it through words. He demonstrated as much when they were stuck in that cave on the planet Exxis. She is fine with that. He said enough in the cave for her to understand, and the actions he took both there and since then have said even more. He does care for her in the same way she does him, he is just nervous about it.
And things are different since then, truly they are. He returns more of her embraces, warm and soft, and he even initiates some now. He lingers a little bit longer when they have been sitting together. And she does the same. The differences are small, but they are there.
Even so, it is… incomplete. They are more affectionate, yes, but only as much as they can get away with while claiming, in however flimsy a fashion, to still be only close friends. She knows it is because of his nervousness, his fear of his own vulnerability. And she can be patient while he finishes working it out.
But she has been patient for over a month already, and nothing more has changed.
They are in a basement room, once all-but-bare and relegated to overflow storage but now slowly being transformed into a containment chamber. She is using her own stellar energies to inscribe warding runes from every world she knows into the walls, and across the way she can see him installing a surveillance camera. The other boys have left for the moment to retrieve more supplies. Raven does not even know of the project, as they fear that telling her too early would tip off the dark powers bonded to her. So for now, it is just the two of them.
She does not know why she is thinking of this now, of all times. It seems strangely inappropriate. But… sometimes, she thinks, it is good to spend a moment on the smaller concerns, lest the big concerns overwhelm you. It is a practice the team has learned well, still forced into taking on missions of all sorts while this crisis looms in the back of their minds.
It is strange. Here he is, all collected practicality when faced with a desperate bid to stave off a demonic apocalypse. Making plans and directing his team and building a specialized safety net when every reference he looks at says none of it will do any good. And yet, he cannot handle the completely natural prospect of romantic relations with a close companion whom he knows returns his affections.
Sometimes she wonders if she is being too patient. She does not wish to put any more pressure on him than she already has, but if he is so shy about this, then perhaps she must be the one to take the initiative after all. But when will she know that time has come?
She must have been staring, because he catches her eye and turns from his work to give her a questioning look. She blushes a little and, before he can ask what is wrong, returns to her inscriptions. After a moment, she can hear the soft clinking metal of him returning to his camera.
Whatever the time, she decides, it is not now. He may well merely be waiting until this crisis is over, and that is probably for the better. She resolves to talk to him shortly after they have dealt with Trigon, if he has not done something about their relationship by then.
He should have kissed her.
It's quite possibly the most inane, ridiculous thing he could be thinking right now. They are in the middle of an apocalypse. Aside from demons and… him, the Titans are the only people left alive on Earth. And besides that, he was watching at the time.
But there was a moment, when everyone had resolved on their roles in this desperate rescue mission, when he looked at her and realized this may well be the last time he saw her. Saw any of them. And in that moment, he knew that this could be his last chance to truly, fully express to her how much she meant to him. If he hadn't kissed her, he should at least have told her.
But… that was just it, wasn't it? He'd seen this trope in a dozen movies: the pining, would-be couple half-desperately admitting their love for one another just before rushing off to their probable doom. If he had done that, he would have been admitting to the idea that he really wouldn't come back.
He couldn't admit to even the chance of defeat now. Not this time. They had to succeed at this. Had to.
Now, it's a rare quiet moment. No fiery demons are attacking, and Slade isn't up to his usual mind games. He's thankful for that, but a part of him can't help but worry if it's only because Slade is thinking along the same lines he is.
He can picture it now. The man standing off to the side, watching them embrace in a way that's just a little too friendly, taking note of the way his masked eyes linger on hers as he forces himself to pretend that there's no need to do any more. This is new, he must have thought. I wonder what horrible methods I can use to megalomaniacally exploit this relationship.
Not that it matters. Slade already took full advantage of his friendship with his teammates, already tried the whole routine of threatening their lives to keep him in line. Frankly, he wouldn't be surprised if the only reason she hadn't insisted on doing the rescue mission herself while he distracted Trigon was that she didn't trust herself not to kill her loathsome guide at the first hint of deceit.
No, the man walking beside him isn't the reason he held back yet again. He only has himself to blame for that. But that's okay, he tells himself. He kind of prefers the movies where the lovers make their heartfelt declarations as part of a joyous reunion anyway.
That's it, then. He'll chalk it up to just one more reason he must endure and pull through. Once Raven is safe and Trigon is dealt with and everyone finally gets a chance to truly relax, he'll tell her for sure.
There is sulfur in the air and hellfire on the ground, and she is at war with herself.
She cannot see Cyborg or Beast Boy from where she is flying, but she knows they must be busy fighting their own darkest selves. It is a clever trick, she begrudgingly admits – to send them opponents that have all their skills and powers, all their knowledge.
All their secret fears and regrets.
Her dark mirror has been quite talkative already. It has attacked her sense of belonging on this planet, called her weak and a fool, tried to convince her that there is no use fighting and Trigon has already won.
And the mirror has talked about him as well. It has mocked her for her affections and has threatened him outright. Yet it has also expressed a desire for him itself, in a twisted and loveless way which both disturbs and enrages her.
The one thing it has not commented on is the stagnation of her relationship with him. She does not have time to dwell on this, with the battle raging, but there is a brief moment when she has knocked the mirror away and caught her breath and the thought strikes her.
It seems an odd topic to ignore. It is by conscious choice that she is waiting to move forward with him until this is over, of course, but the mirror is all too happy to question her choices. Especially when a part of her is still uncertain of herself, which the mirror must surely know.
The battle resumes just then, forcing those thoughts to the back of her mind. But even so, she cannot help thinking of him.
And how could she? He is the one she must defend from Trigon's consideration, with everything she has, and for reasons infinitely larger than her own.
And he is also the one whom she knows, acutely, achingly, she may never see alive again.
Perhaps, the small niggling voice in the back of her mind wonders, that is why the mirror has not ridiculed her inaction. Perhaps it knows it does not need to.
He swears he was about to tell her.
It has been a few weeks now since the end of the world, and it has beaten all odds and managed to continue turning. Even so, these crises don't simply go away and leave all involved feeling right as rain. His team has needed time to recover, to truly understand that the worst has passed and settle back into their routines, and he figures it probably hasn't been the best time to try and start something new. With things finally returning to normal, he had been maybe a day away from asking her out.
Or at least, that's what he keeps telling himself. He's not a bad liar, but it doesn't work quite as well when he's also the one being lied to.
Now all those thoughts, all those excuses, have started to come crashing down, but he's just desperately trying to blame the situation and its timing. Because with said situation comes the sinking feeling that he has once again missed his chance.
Of all things, Beast Boy's old team is in trouble. He's uncharacteristically quiet as the Titans fly over the Amazon, circling out from the Doom Patrol's last known location and working to narrow down where in the massive rainforest they could be now. It's all a little unnerving, in the sense that this may well lead to something much bigger than a single mission.
This is also the kind of search that involves long stretches of time with nothing to do but keep the T-ship on track (which is easier than it sounds with five pilots splitting the work) and waiting for the sensors to pick something up. Which means plenty of chances for the mind to wander. Hence, his current train of thought.
It's been months now since that fateful day on Exxis, but all told it doesn't feel like it's been all that fateful after all. They are still in a strange in-between state – not exactly trying to hide their affections for one another, but not particularly doing anything about those feelings either – and the one thing holding them back is him.
Or… is it? She is far from what he'd call shy, and she puts little stock in the 'traditional' roles of men versus women in Earth's dating world, where the former specifically makes the moves. Yet she has not done any more than he has in terms of moving their relationship forward, even though she must be bold enough to do so.
Realistically, he knows that it's most likely because she is still being patient with him. Because she doesn't want to pressure him, and so she is trying to let him make the decision in this case. And yet…
And yet… What if the real reason is that she's given up on him all together? If she's moved on, and all the affection she's shown him lately really has just been platonic, and even if he tried to initiate a romance now, she was no longer interested? What if he'd not only missed this chance, but every chance he would ever have?
He doesn't think he could bear that kind of rejection. And so it becomes one more fear to add to the pile, one more thought to add to the list of real reasons he's holding off so long.
She misses him.
It is not the first time in recent days she has thought that. The Titans have been stretched thin by the Brotherhood of Evil, travelling and scattering and reconvening all across the planet in a desperate bid to neutralize its various threats and keep their world safe. Currently, she is helping a recently recovered Red Star learn to safely channel and control his powers, and she is otherwise alone.
It is not an altogether unpleasant mission. Red Star's powers are steadily becoming less volatile as he learns to properly channel and bleed off the excess energy, and he is a kind soul and a good friend. Were she less stubborn in her heart's desire, she may have even considered seeking something more with him.
But that is no more than idle speculation, because she knows with whom she truly seeks more. And that is why, now that it is late in the evening and training is over for the day, she sits just outside the house and looks into the sky and wonders.
This prolonged mission has been going on for a little over a month now, and she is keenly feeling the sickness for home. It seems that until this crisis is seen through, her life and the lives of her friends will not be able to move forward in any other way. It is much the same feeling as she had when the team was preparing for Trigon, but even more so because the nature of their travels prevents even a moment of normalcy.
And, of course, because she has not seen him – not seen any of her teammates, whom she is accustomed to living with daily – in nearly two weeks.
That at least explains the current stagnation of their relationship, and it is endlessly frustrating that she can do so little about it. She supposes that next time they do meet, she could throw caution to the winds and tell him then and there. But what difference would it make, really? It is not as though they can go on dates in this time of uncertainty, and realistically there is little else they would be doing that they do not already do when together. It would be little reward for the risk of compounding the confusion of a new relationship with that of such a difficult and long-running mission, and she would not dare to sully either.
But this mission does not explain why their relationship was permitted to stagnate even before the Brotherhood struck. She had time after the fall of Trigon, as did he for that matter. And though she knows he may well still be nervous, did she not already decide that she would take the initiative if he failed to do so?
She had always thought of herself as the bold one of the two, when it came to this topic at least, and she still thinks that it is mostly the case. But she cannot deny that there is still something making her hesitate, still something easier and less frightening about telling herself that she will take action soon rather than taking action now.
But, she supposes, that is both the nature and the danger of procrastination. There is something in the nature of thinking beings to hesitate in the face of a big and frightening task, and to put it off until tomorrow if they can, but if we follow that nature too closely then all our sworn tomorrows will become regretful yesterdays and we may yet lose our chance to complete the task at all.
Oh, how she has seen those chances pass her by. But she resolves, tonight under the unfamiliar stars, not to let it happen again. She may not be able to do much right now, so far from home and so otherwise occupied, but she tells herself out loud that she will seize the very next proper chance she is given.
He really, really should have kissed her.
There are a thousand denials flying through his head, trying desperately to drown out that one immutable fact. There was too much at stake just then, he was busy, this attempt at a romance was always a fool's errand anyway.
Under other circumstances, those would have just been warring opinions. But he can't deny the truth: he has been struggling with this far longer than he cares to admit. Her endless patience with him has finally run out, and she still managed to approach the topic in a gentle way that would have let him shut it down before it began if that was what he'd truly wanted. And now, on a strange mission in yet another unfamiliar city, when by all rights he should have kept someone by him to share his thoughts and concerns with, he is alone.
He has holed up in a little corner high off the ground, pretending not to sulk. He is occupying himself with Saico-Tek's exploding shuriken, trying to piece together how it works. For a moment, he's able to push the other agitated thoughts to the back of his mind and focus on the puzzle.
That does little to quell his foul mood, though, and meanwhile the thoughts themselves simmer just below the surface. It's not about the idea of a romance, not really. It's about his fear of his own emotional vulnerability. He hates failing, hates feeling the fool, and since he has arrived in Tokyo it feels like that is all that has happened. He tells himself he can't let his guard down now, for any reason, lest his friends get hurt for his failures. Lest she get hurt.
But that's just the problem, isn't it? He saw the tears welling in her eyes when she left him. He's already hurt her himself.
Now he just wants to achieve something from this trip, and he doesn't know if he can fix the moment he's already ruined. There is still a part of him, albeit much smaller than he'll admit, that thinks he shouldn't fix it, and that all this emotional running around was folly anyway. So instead, he tries to pour all his effort into searching for answers about Brushogun.
That doesn't do much good for his mental state, though. So, it's perhaps inevitable that when Saico-Tek suddenly appears to attack him again, all that simmering frustration, all that hidden fear, wells into cold hard anger.
She is a fool.
It had seemed like just the opportunity she was looking for. For the Titans to find themselves travelling again so soon after they had finally settled at home had been somewhat unnerving, but then they had found another group in Tokyo that could likely take their burden. And, of course, there had been the incident with the Tamaranean language transfer and its inadvertent effect of bringing the subject of lip contact into their minds. The choice had seemed simple: ease his disappointments with fun and relaxation, spend some much-needed quality time together, and then broach the subject at the appropriate moment. They had just recently grown in so many ways, after all – why should this be any different?
And yet she had not considered that he was still preoccupied with the mission. Was this not the exact scenario she had been trying so long to avoid? This mission had not seemed nearly so pressing as the others, especially with the promise of allies more accustomed to this city than the Titans, but did that truly matter when it still pressed on him?
She has taken to wandering the streets, unwilling to seek out her teammates until she has had time to think. She finds herself drawn to a sappy-sweet window display that would have made her smile in most any other circumstance. This time it only drives the nail further into her heart.
This should have been a momentous, happy occasion – the day they finally, finally moved past their fears and became what they both wanted to be. She cannot imagine she had been too hasty, not with how long she had waited already. And truthfully, she does not think that even her poor timing should have produced such a reaction.
What, then, had gone wrong?
The voice of a small child breaks into her thoughts, and before she knows it, she is pouring out her sorrows and worries to a stranger. Was this the real reason they have held off for so long? Did they both know, deep down, that their love could never be?
But there is something strange, something revealing in speaking your worries aloud. All at once, she realizes what she had been missing up to now: He is afraid, and it is in his nature to fight against his fears.
But there is more than one way to fight this kind of fear – they both know as much from experience. What he needs now is the encouragement to do so. It seems there is just one more step to take.
They are done pretending.
He realizes now that he cannot run forever, just as she had already realized that she should not. They know each other's hearts, have known for nearly a full year, and they very nearly can't explain why they have hesitated on this knowledge for so long.
The life of a hero is complicated, the life of a person with fears and dreams even more so, and it is a cruel trick of life to make hesitation so easy.
But they are not just heroes. They are not just people.
They are Robin and Starfire.
The rain is coming in hard now, but it is not assailing so much as cleansing. Heavier is the tension between the two young heroes, as Starfire shakes off the last of her daze and sits up to face her companion.
She has already said her piece. Now it is Robin's turn.
"I think I was wrong before," he starts, if a little awkwardly. He can't forget how wrong he had been, in just how he had pushed her away.
Starfire knows this, but she also knows that he means it when he admits he made a mistake. For her own part, she is not too proud to admit that her heart rate speeds up a little at his admission. "You do?"
"Maybe… a hero isn't all that I am. Maybe I can be… Maybe we can be –"