Just to be clear I know devils should be able to sense Aqua. There is a reason they can't. But it won't be reviled in this chapter.
I don't own DxD or Konosuba
Chapter 1: Job Hunting
Part 1
It's around late morning. The sun is blearing from our shared-damp cardboard box. I'm cold and starving from our living situation. Since last month, this has been going on. Following when I met my pathetic-unfortunate demise. By tractor.
After going to 'heaven'. I had three options. The first; reincarnation. The second; Heaven. The final of the three interested me the most. It allowed me to live through a fantasy adventure. This is not that 'fantasy' adventure I signed up for.
My poor-ears strain on each blearing car. Of Kuoh-Town. Only to be drowned out by manly snores. Due to my biggest mistake, Aqua. She is imitating a koala but instead of clutching a branch filled with leaves. She's grasping onto a two-day-old bottle of sake. A weird residue formed at the bottom of the glass. From its moulding-sad-state.
"Worthless goddess," I mumble in spite at the useless deity. Almost as if she hears me. She starts to snore even louder. I seize my ever-so-sensitive-ears from the horrid sound. My unfortunate, ever-so, poor ears.
I can't keep living like this. And we are not selling pure water again. Aqua made them from her disgusting 'fluids'. Just because she's the goddess of h2O, doesn't mean people want to drink her excess waste. We were there waiting toward sales for up to three days. We only got a few pity-buys, due to our shared 'homeless teen' status.
It's a miserable joke. I was sent here to kill a 'demon king'. Well. Where the hell, could he be? I doubt he's gonna be walking down japan's streets, on a business call. The false advertising about this being a 'fantasy adventure' is outrageous. Instead of slaying a mighty dragon. What am I gonna slay? taxes? This place is almost an exact copy of my original world. But here I'm homeless making me an even bigger loser than the Neet I was before.
Not to mention the 'extra baggage' of this cheap-goddess. She isn't powerful like the myths would assume. No, she's useless. Utterly, absolutely, useless.
If I had known of her status as a waste too life, I would have never picked her. But I have, and now I have to live with my terrible choice.
To emphasize my point, a big glob of drool forms. Right at the corner of her mouth.
Well, what could I do today? Should I loiter around a little? Maybe peek in the women's toilets? For as long that Aqua is asleep I have a wide-arrange of activities for consumption. But non of them bring me closer to a job. Which I never needed before thanks to my Neet-Lifestyle. But our situation is getting desperate. Maybe I should pop my work cherry soon?
Almost to answer my question. The disturbing snoring lightens then comes to a fast halt. The domineering goddess is awaking. Her blue eyes flutter at the rising sun. It almost makes a majestic scene with her otherworldly beauty. But her personality is just so rotten that I can only feel repugnance.
"Morning, Kazuma."
"Don't 'morning me'. You promised to get us 'jobs', that was a month ago! Your exact words were; 'It doesn't surprise me that a NEET like you has no life experience. Well, it can't be helped. Leave it to me', Well? Where are our jobs? Are you perhaps hiding them? Did you maybe lose them? Or did someone steal them?"
I really lean into the sarcasm toward the end of my speech. only a retard would not pick up on it.
Said; retard hastily nods along with my ending sentence. Her blue hair rapidly bobbing up and down.
"Wel-well said, Kazuma. Some foul demon stole all the job applications. It was awful. The economy must be ver-very hard at the moment. Even a lowlife demon-king-worshiper. Needed to steal an average-job-resume just to get by." The useless-goddess. Spurts out a badly told lie.
I give the moron a long-hard deadpan-gaze. I try and squeeze as much blandness in my appearance as possible. To really covey how useless she truly is.
Sweat is forming on her temples from my blank stare. She guiltily averts her shifty eyes.
"Right. So you didn't look. Did you?"
I form a fist with my palm in preparation.
"I tot-totally did, I may of b-been a little ti-tipsy. But I definitely did."
I lower my bawled-up fist and strike at her diminutive-water-clogged brain.
"Owww! That's too far Kazuma. Too far. I'm a lady, you know. Yo-you shouldn't do such things."
"First; You aren't a lady. To say that you were one is disrespectful to onlyfans-girls, boob-streamers, porn-stars, strippers and prostitutes, everywhere. Second; I believe in true gender equality. If I have to slap a few goddesses then so be it." I said this like it's plain fact.
Tears form at the bottom of her eyes. This isn't the first time. She cries a lot. Is it because she's the goddess of water? Or is it to do with her having the mental age of a three-year-old?
"Kazuma, to say such a thing..."
I ignore her and start heading away in preparation to find a suitable job. With no qualifications, it's gonna be a rough time.
"Wai-wait for me, HIKI-NEET!" The goddess yells after me. And much to my grief, she attracts the attention of onlookers with her outfit. She may look like a quirky cosplayer girl; that's false. The only thing 'quirky' about her, is that small-brain packaged in her frontal lobe.
We put on moderate haste. In search of 'jobs'. Not fighting demons or slaying orcs. No, our quest is to find jobs. Can I sue heaven? The false advertising was terrible. Or would I go to hell for an attempt?
Aqua suddenly stops her movement. And starts swiftly sniffing the air, with exaggerated vigour. Her nose tilted upright, while her eyes are squinted. Much like a senile blood-hound.
"Kazuma, Kazuma."
"Yes, I'm Kazuma."
"I smell. Demon. Its stench is offensive to me, a divine individual. It must be a sign, Kazuma. It may lead to the demon king. Then the ever so gracious, I. Can go back home."
"Oh? Are you sure? Aqua, did you even send us to the right world? Because from what I've seen this is just regular average earth. You promised a 'fantasy adventure', you even used the words 'like no other' Well, where is that; 'fantasy adventure like no other', Aqua?"
"Bu-but, this really is a fantasy. There are demons and catgirls. An-and, everything here. I'm telling the truth. Shitty-Neet."
To completely destroy her point, a definitely 'not fantasy truck' goes speeding past. Its pace causes Aqua's hair to wage against the wind.
"Oi, Don't use my fetishes against me. If there were any 'catgirls' I would have seen them by now."
"Th-there really are, Kazuma. And I really do smell demon. It's coming this way." Aqua starts to hastily run for some sketchy alleyway. Proving once again her meagre mental facilities.
I follow after her. No-not be-because I care or anything. It's just, she's my only source of clean water. I need her for... showers. Yeah, she's just a glorified bathtub.
As we descend into the alley. The atmosphere becomes heavy, while the walls around us narrow. Is this goddess gonna cause me to be shanked by some methhead? Are we really going to die because of her delusions?. Wait, this is Aqua of course we will. I ought to stop this idiot.
I grab her arm, hard. While I attempt to pull her away.
"Eh? Let go of me. You Pathetic-Neet." Aqua whines. While trying to tear away.
"No! I'm not going along with your hallucinations. I know just how useless you are! A crack addict doesn't equal a demon! You worthless goddess."
While Aqua and I are attempting to tug at each other. Her being a literal goddess yet failing to achieve anything at my solid grasp. I catch a repetitive small tapping sound. Almost like someone is taking a light stroll. That's a flag. I'm not gonna ignore it as most generic-anime-protagonists would do. I, Satou Kazuma am a man of action.
While I attempt to make a hasty retreat. Aqua still has me in her now stronger grip. Why does she put more effort into it now? Does this goddess have something against me?
"Is this revenge for that time, I used your hagoromo as a cum-rag?"
"TRASH-NEET! YOU WHAT?! Ew, ew, ew." She hastily flings the pink-divine artefact off herself. A look of disgust permeates her now pale face. Aqua then starts to repetitively use purification on the cum-ra-, I mean 'divine artefact'. "For me, a goddess to be defiled in such a way," Aqua cries out. Big-wet tears moisten her cheeks.
Oops? Well, it couldn't have been helped. I had to use something and Aqua was right there, Also, it was sweet, sweet revenge for her deceptive sales pitch, I normally wouldn't fall for such a scheme. But my sudden death messed up my perception of reality. It must of, I took the word from the blue-idiot as it was. A mistake only a simp should make. Where is my harem? What happened to the mansion I was promised? All of these could be yours; she said. Not only have I got non of that, but I also have to babysit a useless goddess. She's supposed to be my cheat item. She was meant to make my adventure a breeze. So why is it more like a wet fart?
"What an unexpected scene. Now, why would you two be out here? of all places? It's dangerous to wander into dark-secluded areas. Ya know?", A sultry voice states behind Aqua and me.
The new arrival is blocking our only exit.
The woman is tall, with creamy-white skin. Blackish hair with a hint of blue. And a nice firm sizable bust, that's only accentuated by her short red dress. This makes my 'son' very happy. Not now, my boy. This seems like the cliché evil-big-sister type. Is she part of the Yakuza? Why would they confront some random kids?
Aqua, who is now holding her hagoromo by the tip's of her fingers in revulsion. Get's a proud smirk on her displeased face. Her conflicted expression makes her already punchable face just that more hit-worthy.
"It's the demon, Kazuma. See, see I told you. Now I expect you to kneel before me and apologize. Use your good-for-nothing Neet-Mouth for something useful. While you fill my ears with well-deserved compliments and praise." She says something horrid that could easily get her locked in an asylum. Maybe that would be the best outcome for all of us? Aqua gets the proper help she truly needs and I get to relax like the selfless Neet I am, perfect.
The intimidating big-sister looks at us with a stern-murderous expression. Understandable, the first time I heard a word from the blue slut's mouth, I wanted to die. I've had my low points before but she truly inspires the worst outta people.
"Oi. You bitch, don't try and deceive me with your autistic antics, I'm not stupid. That's not a de-." I'm cut off from my well-deserved tirade.
"Oh? Girl, you have an inkling of what I really am? Interesting. Well, I can't let that slide, now, can I? My name is Kalawarner. Normally I wouldn't tell you this, seeing as you already died the moment I laid my eyes on you. But you saw through me and that deserves some credit. " The woman's tone is filled with more arrogance than Aqua can fit in a week.
Why are all women I meet mentally ill? Am I cursed?
Black angel-like wings sprout from her back.
Nope. It just seems I attract biblical-like women. A goddess and now an angel? I've never even read the bible. I wouldn't mind a cute Angel-San or two, but Jesus doesn't get me hard; Overall!
"Maybe, just maybe, you had a point about all of the demon crap. Now, if you would be so kind. AQUA-SAMA SAVE ME! I DON'T WANNA DIE VIA SUCCUBUS!" I throw away all dignity and pride as Kalawarner bursts towards us. While summoning a, goddamn, laser-spear. While I beg the idiot that got us here in the first place to rescue me.
"I'm a fallen angel. Boy! at least... to be specific,"
"I don't care! Stop trying to kill me with your erotic body, woman!"
She mostly ignores my blatant sexual harassment, but I can make out a small twitch on her forehead from my vulgar comment.
She swings the light-spear at me. It ferociously whizzes in the air. Right at my precious 'son'.
I narrowly dodge, My 'family member' very thankful. But it was due to pure-dumb-luck, I ended up smashing right into a wall. Due to the tight alley and my non-existent fighting ability.
From my embarrassing display, Aqua's ego grows even more self-important. Which should be impossible with how much she already loved herself. She has the proudest-grin, I've ever seen on her annoying face. While her blue eyes are peeped in a shrewd way.
I feel a cold chill on my back. It isn't from the enemy.
"Kazuma, if you start complimenting me now. I'll think about courteously saving you. I also want you to apologise, apologise right now! Say; 'I'm sorry great-Aqua-Sama~. That my disgusting Neet-Sperm-Hands went anywhere near you. I'm not worthy of such a goddess'."
This... woman...
"LIKE HELL I WILL!"
Multiple light-spears are thrown my way. I being a normal guy only survive due to... tripping-over, I manage to slide out of the way. My knees splaying on the hard concrete.
I completely backtrack on my previous statement.
"Aqua you're great. Really amazing... And. An-and; I'-i'm sorry great-Aqua-Sama. T-that my disgusting neet-sperm-hands went anywhere near you... I-I-I-i'm n-not worthy of such" I grumble out most of the reply, I... need a cold shower, to wash off my newly gained degeneracy.
"Oh? Are you two perhaps lovers? She into the dominatrix role?" Our would-be-killer says something that makes my skin crawl in disgust.
"Ha, that has to be the most amusing joke, I have ever heard~. Even if this Hiki-Neet begged me! I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. Every time I have to interact with this fungus I wear special protective gloves, so I don't catch any of his Neet-diseases."
"I agree, if she ever touched me I would dropkick her, no hesitation."
"WHAT?! how could you say such a thing?" Despite being the one to instigate the fight. She sounds offended.
"Young love always is the most... amusing. But enough raillery." The Sadistic Angel responds to our comedic routine. Completely wrong about our relationship.
Is this useless bitch gonna use her godly powers or whatever? Can she even fight? My cheat item can't be that useless. She has an obligation to save me.
"Yeowch!" I get a small slice in my leg from the 'fallen's next endeavour. It cuts through my tracksuit pants. Drawing a small amount of blood over the only clothes I own.
I need to get away from this freak. With that only thought in mind, I started to turn my body, still, on the floor and roll, I rolled outta there. My body burned from the cement floor. Her attacks miss from my unexpected move. It might not be a 'heroic' action. But why would I care about that?! I don't care about dignity or pride... Unless Aqua is the one demining me. Even I can't handle that.
"Scream for me~! Let me hear your despair!" She's in a fucking blood frenzy. Widely slashing at me, how am I still alive?
Aqua is standing there. Not even in the maniac's vision. She's collecting ear wax with her pinky finger. perhaps she's trying to find her brain amongst all the water in there?
"You, are lasting a lot longer than all the other humans, I'm Impressed. I wonder if you're insides look the same~?" My eyes-bulge. Where is that lacklustre deity?
Is she gonna help me? She is my cheat item, she should be willing to use herself as self-sacrifice for my pleasure of living. Otherwise, it's defective and I should be able to request a refund; 'Yes, hello heaven. You gave me a retard. I wanted a goddess, not a brainlet'.
"Worthy of what Kazuma? Well?... I'm waiting"... This girl, she wants the full apology, how petty.
She's most likely not over me using her artefact as my replacement tissue. If it makes her feel any better I did it out of necessity, not attraction. l could never-ever find Aqua attractive so she doesn't have to worry.
"I'-i'm not wor-worthy. O-of such a goddess." I stumble out through irritation, distress and unease. My already minuscule dignity is in tatters.
"As you should be, I mean it's only natural for you to feel this way. You being a Lowly-Neet and I a Perfect-Goddess." She completely ignores the fact I was blackmailed into saying that depravity. While acting like a self-righteous cunt.
"You better be grateful, for now, your beloved-goddess will save you Nee-"
Aqua's ramblings were the last horrid thing I heard. Before a pointy-deathly light gets punted straight into my beautiful face.
; 'Darkness'.
Where am I? ...That is what I would say if I was some cliché-oblivious-bastard. I've been through this process before; Been there, done that, got the useless-goddess-T-shirt to show for it.
"Satou Kazuma, unfortunately, you have died."
In front of me sitting on a regal chair is a white-haired cutie. An almost nun-like-purple outfit adorns her. Her lilac eyes shine with sympathy. If I had to guess this is that 'Eris', Aqua is always complaining about. apparently, according to the worthless goddess; she pads her chest. Maybe I should ask for a feel? just to be sure. On second thought the number of women that believe me as scum is a little too high.
Well, now's my chance to start fresh. Maybe I can be known as a playboy? Or something equally as Chad-like in my new life.
"Japan." I'm not dealing with any more goddess's and their 'shenanigans'. The sooner I get away, the less chance I will find myself in some unjustified awful situation. No more retard to babysit, clean sheets and a loving family. This is the metaphorical golden ticket I have been after.
"You have tw-? Whut?"
"I want to be reincarnated in Japan," I say clear with a bland tone. I don't want any room for complications.
"Wel-well okay, if you're sure"
"Yes, quite sure," I reply with absolute certainty.
"KAAAAAAZUMMMMMMMMA!" I hear a truly degenerate screech from no discernible location. It makes my blood boil. Why? Why can't she leave me alone? Even after death she still harasses me. Is there a heavenly court? can I file a constraining order on a god?
"Aq-aqua senpai?!" No! you'll attract the H20-Woman to me.
I hastily make a silent sign with my hands at 'Eris'. Essentially telling her to shut up.
She doesn't notice me or my growing despair. Her eyes looking around for her... 'senpai'.
"AQUA, SENPAI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A MONTH! ARE YOU OKA?!-", I scramble to put a hand over the goddess's mouth. Great, another useless bust of a deity.
"EH?! PADDED-CHEST-ERIS! IS THAT YOU?!"
Much to my horror Eris easily breaks from my hold, propelling me to the ground in a pathetic heap. Aqua would have been stuck for around five minutes or so in my grasp. Is this goddess actually competent?
"ow," is the only unfortunate sound that comes out of my mouth. I thought you couldn't feel pain in heaven. So why does it hurt so much? It hurts.
"AQUA! I'M HERE!"
"EH?! WELL, WHATEVER! CAN YOU GET KAZUMA?!"
I look at the goddess with a pleading expression; please don't sell me out.
"HE'S HERE AQUA! WHY?!"
My face sucks inward, much like a goldfish gasping for clean water.
"I NEED HIM SENT BACK, ERIS!"
"pssst, no she doesn't, her mental facilities must have taken a blow. I have no idea of who that is." I whisper in a vain-hope to get my second chance.
"IS HIS GREEN-TRACK-SUIT STILL ON?! OR DID THE DEMON DESTROY IT?! I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HIS DISTURBING-NEET-PENIS IF I CAN HELP IT!" Shit, why did she have to describe what I'm wearing? Does she have a seventh sense right after uselessness, is it perhaps the screw-Kazuma over-as-much-as-possible-sense? And couldn't she just look at my body? Why ask what I'm wearing in heaven? Come to think of it is my tracksuit ingrained in my soul. Why is it on me?
"Bu-but she just described you perfectly." The goddess responds to me, ignoring Aqua, as everyone should.
"Lucky guess." My sou-soul it's hurting, why couldn't I have a hot hentai-babe. You know, the one's that are like "Master~ thank you for saving me~." Why do I have a useless goddess?
"I'M WAITING ERIS! I DON'T HAVE ALL-DAY!"...What a rude woman.
"SE-SENPAI THAT'S AGAINST THE RUL-RULES!" Yes! my ticket out of that horrible goddess's clutches.
"HUHHH?! ERIS! DO YOU WANT ME TO REMIND YOU OF THE TIME YOU GOT NAKE-!"
"NOO! THAT'S QUITE, UH?! ALL RIGHT! I'M SENDING HIM NOW!" Wait! go back to that naked thing.
She clicks her fingers. And to my building terror, the same green-digram-sphere that sent me to that evil-world is placed under me, while I ascend.
"Wai-wait we can talk about this, right? I-i mean you don't have to do this, right?"
She gives me a nervous grin.
"Sorry Satou Kazuma. Aqua-Senpai's orders"
; 'Blink'.
"SAAAAAAAAAVEEEEEE MEEEEEE, KAZZZZZUMMMMMMA!" The first thing my cornea locks onto is almost as disappointing as not getting away from Aqua. I see the goddess running around the enclosed alley at breakneck speeds. Crying way more than humanly possible, the angel chasing her all the while, with a look of pure sadism.
Maybe I should just leave?
From Aqua screaming my name with her banshee-screech, Kalawarner notices me, her expression once full of pure-sadism is now filled with shock at my alive appearance. She stops her chase to a halt. Aqua still running not even noticing.
"Ho-how? I don't smell a hint of devil on you, so how are you alive?" She sounds nervous.
"Hey! I might be a bit scummy but I wouldn't go to hell. Satan didn't rub his stench on me, woman!"
Aqua finally lets her non-existent brain realise she's not being pursued anymore. Her face gains a sadistic-smug look, completely reversing their positions.
"Ho~? Haven't I said multiple times I'm a goddess, a~ goddess. I don't need your filthy half-baked chess pieces to revive Kazuma into your disgusting species. This is pure, pure resurrection." The arrogant bane-of-my-existence proudly puffs out her chest. In some kind of misplaced vanity, while speaking pure gibberish.
"N-no way, you truly are a go-goddess. No one should be able to make a pure resurrection!" All of the woman's arrogance is gone, replaced with a frightened expression. Even now, Aqua is causing people mental breakdowns.
"I have more important things to do. I'm gonna let someone else deal with this shit!"
Using her angel wings, she flutters in the air, then propels herself outward. Away from us, into the pure daylight. Won't someone notice her like that? Seems like a very bad idea, in my opinion, Aqua must have caused her to lose some brain cells.
"Kazuma, she's leaving, look,"
"Yeah, and all it took was my death,"
"I know what a low-price." Aqua doesn't even look like she's trying to be mean. She states it as fact. Ho-how cruel.
Well, she's gone now. Unfortunately. Maybe I should go look for her again? And do a little sexually-harassment on her or something, would that drive her to attempt to kill me again? That way I can beg Eris to get me away from this blue-haired maniac.
Contrasting with my negative thoughts about her, Aqua shines on me a bright smile. Her eyes crinkle under the sun.
"So, Kazuma. I knew it was only a matter of time before you reviled your true feelings for me. To think you would see yourself as not worthy of I. But not to worry my little sheep everyone is welcome in the Axis-Sect. whether they be Cum-Neets or Kings, we hold no discrimination." Aqua acts as nothing happened, all the while she's saying the most untrue-horrid stuff. She's attempting to strongarm me into her cult-of-escapee-mental-patients.
"Aqua... I WOULD RATHER HAVE A VASECTOMY THAN BE CALLED YOUR 'SHEEP'! NOT ONLY DID YOU FORCE ME TO BEG YOU! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT ME KILLED IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU DUMB BITCH!"
I smack the blue-cretin on her skull, her crying all the while.
Part 2
It's noon now after our eventful morning we went back to our 'house' otherwise know as a box, to recuperate.
Wait just a moment.
"We didn't get anything DONE! We've made no progress in finding a job. What did we even do except piss off some stray demon! And it's your fault. If you didn't go into some random shady alley. We might be making a solid income right now! You made us do a side-mission that wasn't needed. YOU IDIOT!"
"How dare you, Kazuma! IT WAS ACTUALLY YOUR FALUT! For having such a pathetic fighting-ability and not ending it sooner. I wasn't going to tell you this because I didn't want to break your Fragile-Little-Neet-Heart but the only reason you lived for that long. Was because of I, Aqua. Blessed your agility. I'm expecting my praise now." She has an awaiting look,
It's met with my fist.
"Why didn't you tell me! How many more useful skills are you hiding under your uselessness? You worthless-goddess!"
I start pinching at her cheeks with wrath.
"Owww, staph. I'mo sorruy, I'mo sorruy, I'mo sorruy." All of her self-righteousness dissipates like a flip was switched. Really living up to her title as a 'goddess'.
Aqua manages to get out of my hold. By biting on my fingers like a goddamn Siberian cat. She even draws blood. Vampiric-goddess!
"Listen here, you Neet. Our situation can't be helped. We'll just have to look tomorrow, okay?"
"fine," I mutter out an agreement, too tired and drained to even care.
I crawl into our shared cardboard box of a home. Aqua regrettably, follows.
Both she and I have to sleep close together due to our living situation. Her taking most of the blanket. How shameful can you be?
"Oi! I'm cold, give me" I attempt to seize a sizable chunk of our cover.
But her grip is almost titanium-tight. Why is it in situations like this her strength shines through?
"Ara~, ara~. Kazuma don't you know that a lady, deserves the most warmth?"
"Oh~? all I see is a pile of sagging-H20"
We both give each other wide smiles. Our eyes partially closed to convey happiness. Which is a pure contrast to the emotion we really feel.
"WAAAHHHHHH!" Aqua starts pulling at our covering.
"AUUUUUUGGH!" I too start to pull, essentially playing tug-of-war.
I hate to say this, I'm ashamed, but this is how we spend most nights. Instead of being happy about sleeping next to a hot girl, all I can feel is distaste.
In a very genius move, I let the blanket go. Aqua topples to the ground from her own strength. Tears start to form in her eyes.
"WAAAAAHHHHHH!" Ah~, what a heavenly sound.
"That is what you get. Now to claim my victory."
I take the entire blanket for myself closing the box lid, Aqua still outside.
"Wai-wait Kazuma, th-this is a j-joke, right? You'll let me i-in won't y-you?"
I ignore her. Snuggling into MY! cover and letting sleep take me. Aqua begins sobbing outside, her tears are like a sweet~ lullaby to my withered soul.
The next morning when I awoke I felt a new rejuvenation, I was truly happy, an emotion I haven't felt since coming here.
That is until I heard a loud-beeping sound coming from all around me in my comfy box.
Long-story-short. The garbagemen almost threw me in their truck, which would have killed me. The useless goddess found this extremely funny and would not stop laughing. She shut up after a solid whack to her brainless skull.
Now we are currently patrolling the streets of Kuoh, in search of jobs.
Well, that was until we got sidetracked, on our first day; by a cat stuck in a tree Aqua claiming to be able to save it, but failing so hard we were almost arrested.
Second-day; Aqua yet again got sidetracked, doing a live performance in front of a large-crowed using nature's beauty to perform water-related tricks. This sounds good but the worthless-slut didn't accept any of the tips. Which we needed. I saw at least, at fucking least ¥-32,635-yen there, just waiting to be grabbed.
Third-Day; We got sick.
Fourth-Day; I spent this whole day shouting at Aqua, apparently she could have just healed our sickness. What a useless-bitch.
We are on the fifth day. Aqua and I still pursuing the streets in search of a career.
"I've had it! If we don't find a job today, you better make your worthless-party-tricks, worthwhile. We'll put on a monetised show for funds, using your mostly useless talent."
Aqua clasps the collar-of-my-tracksuit, shaking me all the while. A demented expression on her face.
"An-anything but that, Kazuma. I'm a performer not some third-rate whore-of-party-tricks. I can only do it when I'm in the spirit, Kazuma! My displays are not for payment, I do it for the passion and love!" Why does this useless girl act so noble over party-tricks yet so deplorable about everything else?
When I was about to riposte to this creature, I notice a pamphlet.
"Is this our possible salvation? Or is it just some ad for an old person home? Well, if it's the latter, at least Aqua has somewhere to go."
"WHAT?! I'll have you know Hiki-Neet. I'm not a day over, Uh? Twohun-five, I was gonna say five." What nonsense is this retard drivelling?
I go to pick it up but Aqua snatches it out of my grasp. Cheeky bitch.
"Hmmm? Let's see here; Kuoh Academy, In Need Of Staff." Aqua hastily throws the paper after the first sentence to my absolute horror.
It gets picked up by the wind, and soars, and soars. It's fleeting much like my soul.
She lets out a giant dramatic sigh. I'm gonna kill this bitch.
"It's a bust, Kazuma. Where would we even find a magic staff?"
Silence,
Aqua has a huge smile on her face practically begging for praise.
Silence,
then a spasm, then two. After a few seconds, I'm practically having a seizure at this idiot.
"Aqua... you're just so useless. I'm almost a hundred percent sure. The only reason heaven let you be my cheat item is that they wanted to get rid of you; When you were made, I'm not really sure how gods are made but that doesn't matter, what I was trying to say is; something went horribly wrong with your creation." I give her a pitiful stare.
"whhHHHHHA! Wh-why would you s-say something so me-mean, Kazuma." Tears are flinging from her eyes. Much to my annoyance, some hit me with the accuracy of a Ne*f-Gun.
I tune Aqua out, while I try and remember Kuoh Academy's position.
Well, time to backtrack.
Part 3
"This is really thrilling and everything. But why are we playing chess for a janitor position?"
In front of Aqua and me is a young woman around seventeen or so. Probably a bit older than me. She's wearing a black school uniform that matches her hair and glasses. Her serious-violet-eyes look like they're peeking into my very soul. Aqua's too but all she'll find in there is degeneracy.
"Hm? I'm just curious."
Aqua is glaring while seething at the mouth. Apparently, like, more than half of this place is demons. But much like an E-Thot, I'll take anything at this point so I convinced the goddess-of-worthlessness that we could be, like, secret agents. Or something equally as childish.
Please, Aqua, don't ruin our pay-check.
Aqua flips the table that we were playing chess on.
Why?