"You've been gone a long time, knucklehead," said Cranky as he welcomed the long-limbed ape.

Lanky saluted happily and ran over to shake all of his brethren's hands.

"How long are you staying?" asked Diddy.

"As long as I can. I want to learn all about Kongo Bongo's lush culture!" said Lanky excitedly.

DK peeled a banana and handed it to his enthusiastic relative. "You haven't truly lived 'til you try one of these babies!"

Lanky accepted the gift and shoved the tasty yellow treat down his pie-hole. He munched and chewed and swallowed with glee.

"Now it's about time we party, yeah?" said Funky, moving and grooving along to the roar of the ocean waves.

"Excellent, then the ceremony can commence," said Cranky. He firmly grasped his cane in both hands and unsheathed its hidden blade. "It's time to hunt the dark terrors of the island!"

"The Kremlings?" asked Lanky, a little worried.

Diddy loaded his peanut popguns. "Nay... the vampires..."

Funky pulled a mighty axe out from the secret compartment in his surfboard. "We must smite the keepers of totally negative vibes!"

"Are you in, Lanky?" asked DK with an outstretched arm of kindred spirit.

Lanky sighed deeply and took of his Kong brother's hand. The family then made their way deep into the dark forest.

"I can totally hear mondo-negativity, homes!" cried Funky, gripping the hilt of his weapon ever so tightly.

DK cocked his CG and turned to Cranky. "Lanky and I will check Sector 8. You and the others search sectors 3 through 6."

Diddy gasped. "But DK! Sector 8 is the most dangerous area on Kongo Bongo!"

DK nodded with firm belief in his righteous cause. "We will return, Little Buddy..." And with that, he and Lanky sped down the rage-filled pathway of gnarled malevolence and spiritual anguish.

"DK, look out!" cried Lanky.

A giant cannonball landed between the two Kongs. It exploded with all of the intense energy of foul ire and doom desire.

DK shielded the two of them from the heinous shrapnel with his hideously firm abs.

"Show yourself, coward!" roared the future ruler.

*"Will Power" from Persona 5 plays*

"Arr! I'd be wantin' all th' booty!" cackled a deadly voice from above. Kaptain Skurvy and his two pirate goons leapt down from the canopy and brandished their seaworthy weapons.

"Jumpin' banana bugs, DK!" cried Lanky, his grape shooter quivering between his lips.

"You's guys are gonna be the first to taste only the most holy of Banana Slammas this time!" DK beckoned, posing with over-saturated levels of white-hot passion for vengeance.

"Just try an' stop us, ya dimwitted simians!" laughed Skurvy. He aimed his handcannon at DK and just started blasting.

DK dodged with his special ability: Banana Time. It froze time with each narrow evasion and allowed him to land a powerful hit on Skurvy with the butt of his CG.

"You're gonna pay for that, landlubber!" cried Kutlass as he and Green Kroc marched toward DK.

Take the shot, my brother... DK called to Lanky telepathically.

Lanky slowly aimed the grape shooter with reluctance. He then fired and the two henchmen met a purple end.

"Our lives are fleeting!" cried Green Kroc as his scales melted from the grape contact. He was reduced to but a skeleton. Kutlass was banished from the flesh as well.

"I knew it! You're vampires!" DK bellowed to Skurvy, he pointed his CG directly at the seadog's snout.

"Aye, and we'd be wantin' what's rightfully mine, ya slimy chimp!" Skurvy snorted.

"What's that, lizard lips?" DK seethed.

"Th' Crystal Coconut!"

BANG!

"You'll get no sympathy from me..." DK growled over the rising smoke from his CG.

"Kaptain!" cried the two skeletons as they rose, reanimated through their evil vampire powers.

"Dartmouth..." DK cursed as he reloaded his CG. He noticed that Kutlass and Green Kroc had captured Lanky and were threatening to suck his blood.

"DK! I am most frightened!" wailed Lanky, tears streaming down his face.

"Relax, my wholesome duderino..." DK sighed, pulling a second CG out from his jean jacket pocket and lining up a dual assault with his arms crossed for maximum swag.

BA-BANG!

The skeletons' skulls were both shattered instantly and they dropped to the ground in petty shambles. Lanky was still shivering with fear from the dreadful experience.

DK walked up to Lanky and smacked him silly. He gripped him by the collar and snorted in his face. "Here and now is not the place and time for emotions, Lanky! We must retain the forefront against this great evil!"

Lanky sniffled and nodded. DK set him down and he went to retrieve his grape shooter.

DK sighed. "I did not mean to frighten you, brother... This very land is ridden with the infernal spawn of the underworld. Our once-blessed domain must be cleansed from such sinful atrocities..."

"I see..." Lanky peeped. "I will promise to do my best next time..."

"THAR WON'T BE A 'NEXT TIME'!" howled a shadowy beast from behind Lanky.

POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

Sixteen shots from the dual CG's later, DK ran up to the beastly menace and delivered a sick kick to the jaw.

DK gasped as he realised the kick had no effect. He lost balance and toppled over.

"Not so fast, mate!" cackled the ghastly being. It was Skurvy!

"What are you?" cried Lanky, aiming his weapon and blasting wildly. The grapes passed through Skurvy like a phantom.

"I am the culmination of many a tortured soul. I've absorbed thousands, nay millions, and added them to my profuse entity," Skurvy explained, engulfing the area with his shrouding presence. "By peeling myself free of the ethereal seals, I've awakened a much greater power than ye could ever comprehend!"

DK smirked and aimed the CG. "Smooth talker... but is that all you've got for show besides floating around like a coward?"

Skurvy stretched out his serated claws. "Ah... So ye challenge yer inevitable demise to a showdown? Most unwise, matey..."

"A good vampire hunter always comes prepared with an ace-in-the-hole..." DK reached into his pocket and took out a silver coconut.

"The Crystal!" cried Skurvy. He dashed forward with rage. "Unhand me birthright!"

DK fired the shot and blasted a hole right through Skurvy's mass of shadows. His ghostly cloak shattered, emitting deafening howls that rose to the heavens.

"You got him, DK!" cried Lanky. He ran over and gave DK a really cool high-five.

"Now I think you'll be more prepared next time we run into such vile fiends, eh?" DK said with a sly smile.

Lanky nodded happily. He then noticed the Crystal Coconut lying on the ground where Skurvy's body had faded from. "Don't forget that!"

"Wouldn't dream of it!" DK laughed. He walked over and snatched up the priceless relic. As he admired its charming complexion, he noticed something awry in its reflective surface.

DK spun around. "YOU!"

BLAM!

DK took a step backwards, one foot after the other until his back was against a tree. He slumped against it, panting heavily. He looked down at the purple stain on his rockin' jean jacket. It reeked of grape juice.

"Why?" DK said weakly as his vision faded. The last thing he saw was the dark silhouette of the limber man with the grape shooter.

Lanky clasped his fellow Kong's shoulder. "DK... It's only fair that if you make a living off hunting vampires... that we vampires are given our recompense"

With that, Lanky used the grape shooter like a straw and consumed DK into his dark, twisted soul.

Lanky licked his lips from the heinous banana-flavoured meal and stared up at the dimly lit sky. Flashing his bright white fangs in a coy smile, he reflected on another mission well done. Tonight's feast was surely one to remember.

And there were soon to be many more...

FIN