Welcome to all who have clicked this story wondering what fresh hell is this! After Remake, I'd been scouring various videos related to our blond hero, many of the comical nature, and many videos and comments brought up Cloud and his "girlfriends" in the game. This sparked responses (including from me), about him and his much longer list of "boyfriends" and a name I oddly saw pop up repeatedly was Barret...a ship I had never considered for sailing. Well, let me help put that baby out to sea!
This story is definitely AU and very OOC. This is mostly a smut comedy meant to read like the trashiest of dollar store romance novels. Oh, and I did borrow a line from TeamFourStar's FF7 Machinima abridged, see if you can spot it. Do enjoy!
A Night on Cloud Nine
He'd accepted the job as doing a solid for Tifa but once Cloud met the crew he'd be helping out, he knew it was Tifa who was doing him a solid.
There on the train platform for Sector 7, he saw the most beautiful vision in all of Gaia, and found himself instinctively drawn to him. In a foggy haze, he shoved away the brunette who dared to reach out a hand to touch his chest. Never did he register the rotund guy who gave him a shy, admiring smile and a friendly wave. Ignored was the-okay, this one was hot, a tall, dark haired, rugged twunk with just the right amount of facial hair to make Cloud bite his lip. And his name? Biggs. Oh, he would be returning back for that later, trust.
No, the one who was the apple of his eye was their fearless leader. Delicious chocolate skin and thick, heavy shoulders clad wonderfully in a ripped vest that showed off every succulent muscle. Cloud swallowed hard as his eyes roved down the frame of this Adonis. A badass flaming skull tattoo adorned the left arm and on the right...oh, Shiva, help him, the man had a gun for an arm! The man was packin' heat...and after an appreciative look between the legs, he was sure that applied in more ways than one.
He forced himself to tear his eyes away as the man, named Barret, ripped off his sunglasses-worn at the glorious hour of 10PM-to reveal a steely, hazel-eyed gaze that left Cloud weak in the knees. And what did this magnificent piece of chiseled marble have to say to him?
"Get your goddamn ass on the train, we ain't got all day!"
Ah! He was in love!
But not now, not yet! He mustn't profess himself until the time was right. He wanted to earn this man's affection, but also not make it too obvious. Unfortunately, this meant his tsundere nature came out to play. He didn't mean it when he said he wanted more money for the job as they began infiltration of the reactor. He wanted to gouge out his eyes when he coldly told Barret to "get help" for hearing the Planet's pain. His heart screamed to say that he too could hear her, and the passion Barret showed for wanting to save the world...Cloud swallowed heartache as he yearned for someone to talk about him the same way.
He swore to protect his beauty. Through hoards of infantrymen. Through deadly attacks by Sweepers. Through a harrowing battle with what looked to be a mechanized scorpion that dared to singe part of Barret's side when he was too slow in rolling out the way of a laser. That incident caused Cloud to Limit Break for the first time, a rumor he'd heard about in the army and finally, at long last, was able to accomplish himself to protect the one he desired most.
Through hell they fought and back they came as finally, they returned to Seventh Heaven in Sector seven, bruised, singed, but alive. Things didn't seem to go completely as planned though and just as Cloud was ready to give Barret some congratulatory lovin', the eco-terrorist leader (the title made his loins quiver) swept his group into an emergency meeting below the bar.
Tifa made him a Cosmo Canyon but it was tasteless in his mouth that only yearned to drink up one thing. He swiped it to the floor in despondance and paid no heed to Tifa's "Well, fuck you!" rebuttal. No, Tifa, it would not be you he would be fucking. Once upon a time, perhaps, but that was a different him, a whole lifetime ago.
...As of just four hours, thirteen minutes prior to when he was contracted for the job.
His head crashed into his folded arms on the bar as he heard her storm past, riding the pinball machine down to the hidden base. He waited with abated breath for his beauty to return to him, then quickly gulped in air when he began to run out of oxygen. Okay, so maybe some things weren't meant to be done literally.
The time passed slowly. He managed to drag himself off his seat to explore a little, though there wasn't much to see. He thought about helping himself to a bottle of something but didn't want his cinnamon stick to see him plastered. The guys at Shinra always said drinking made him moodier and less tolerable to be around and a terrible lay. Then again, none of their names were Barret Wallace.
He was just finishing up a round of darts in the corner when he felt someone standing behind him. He spun around to see a little girl, brown pigtails and a pink dress. "Hi!" she chirped.
"Where'd you come from?" he demanded, wondering how the hell she'd managed to sneak up on him. Then again, at this time, he could've been blown over with a phoenix down feather. It was a simple matter for anyone to startle him when his heart was in such a delicate state.
"Back there," the little girl of about five replied, and pointed vaguely at a door behind the bar that may have been the breakroom. "I'm Marlene! Barret's my daddy."
Aaand now Cloud was flaccid. "He has a kid?"
She nodded. "Yep! Just me!"
Didn't matter if there was one kid or twenty, kids always made shit difficult. Quiet sex was no fun and Cloud had zero intentions of holding himself back...not tonight.
"Hey Marlene...do you ever spend the night elsewhere? Or do you always sleep at your dad's house?" Out of context, that question would've landed him in a prison cell.
But to his surprise and relief, the girl nodded happily. "Yeah, sometimes I stay with Auntie Tifa! Her place is tiny but we stay up all night and do hair and makeup and watch movies and eat popcorn and have pillow fights and then she starts drinking from a big bottle and laughing a lot and then cries and then she throws up in front of the toilet and then falls into the bathtub and goes to sleep. It's really funny!"
Cloud blinked. "Great! Listen, why don't you go stay with auntie Tifa tonight?"
"Okay!" she readily agreed and just at that moment, the floor rumbled as the pinball machine came back up. "Tifa!" she ran over to the woman as she reappeared. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
"Oh, um...maybe you shouldn't," Tifa said nervously. "You know, after...last time…"
"After last time you two had so much fun, as Marlene was telling me," Cloud quickly stepped in. "Right, Marlene?"
"Right!"
"Seems like she really liked your girls' night. You should indulge her again," he pressed urgently, boring into her eyes, making it clear that no was not an option. But then...he softened up a bit. "And maybe this time without your friend The Bottle."
The shame was apparent on her face but Cloud didn't have time to comfort her. More pressing matters needed to be dealt with that evening. Tifa was strong though, physically and emotionally, though he'd have a chat with her later about what was going on. Hiding a sniffle, she gave a nod. "Yeah, Marlene, why don't you stay over tonight? I'll...I'll make sure this time it's really fun. We'll make cookies, how does that sound?"
"Stupendous!" Marlene shouted out with a wave of her hands.
Stupendous indeed, Cloud breathed a sigh of relief, potential disaster averted. And...here came the man of the night.
Riding up from below with the pinball machine, the flashing lights of the game illuminated his face in wonderful hues of gold, red and blue. It reminded him of the lights at the annual fair in Nibelheim, all the (shoddily pieced together) rides in their vibrancy. He even felt the electric tingle of excitement and anticipation creep back over him. He didn't care if Barret still had business with his team tonight, it could wait. What could not anymore, was him.
"I need to talk to you about my pay," Cloud growled, bravely grabbing his hand and dragging him out of the bar. He very nearly turned to head to the tiny apartment he shared close to Tifa's, but in years of doing this, he'd found it best that his patrons didn't know where he lived. A taste of Cloud and many were hooked, begging for more. While it was a wonderful ego stroke, it wasn't good for his clients to see each other as it often sparked violent jealousy, so hotel hopping was best.
However, he wasn't selling himself tonight. This most certainly was on the house.
"Where's your place? That's where the money's at, right?" he demanded but winced. He had to keep up appearances just a little bit longer.
Barret still took offense. "What, you gon' rob me, merc? That what this is about?"
Of course not, you delicious bowl of Post™ Cocoa Pebbles! "I'm no damn thief, I just want my money." Damnit, he did it again!
Barret huffed in anger, literally stomping a foot. "That all that ever matters to you, huh? Who gon' feed you, like a stray dog! Ain't got no loyalty just like one, too! I called you Stamp, but naw, you're worse. A mutt with no loyalty can't be trusted by nobody! Come get your goddamn money and get the hell outta my face!" He barreled down the steps of the bar and Cloud followed, cursing himself all the way.
Barret's house was on the edge of Sector 7, where most of the houses thinned out. Instead, just as many stray cats began to appear, blinking their golden-green eyes from various corners of the night. None welcomed them with so much as a purr as they passed and Cloud found their presence only heightened his tight nerves at the turn of the evening. He had to make this right. He absolutely had to.
Once at the front door, he watched Barret fumble with a set of keys. He was struggling getting to the right one with only one hand to pick through them. Heart aching, Cloud took out an orb of materia and allowed the green glow to illuminate the key ring. Finding the right one, Barret jammed it in the lock. "I ain't ask for your help," he snapped and went inside.
Cloud followed close behind.
"Hey! I ain't say you could-"
The "merc" stood up on tiptoe and silenced him with his mouth, kicking the front door closed behind him with his foot. Barret began to struggle and worse still, a mechanical whine was starting up. He peeked down to see the barrel of the machine gun arm rotating.
Fine, it was time to bring out some of his own big guns.
Cloud shoved his tongue down Barret's mouth and sucked hard and almost ruined the moment with a laugh when he felt the other man gasp in surprise. Ah, they always did that. Like the thief he'd been labeled as, he happily took advantage of the open door to sneak inside. Heat and wetness and friction and just a tiny grind from his hips-yep, there we go! And Barret was thrown entirely off-guard. The gun fell silent. Cloud released him from his clutches slowly, a wonderful trail of saliva between their mouths.
"Wha...what the hell, merc?" he watched as Barret hid his face behind the back of his hand, breathing hard with a lovely flush on his cheeks. "What exactly you playin' at?"
For once in your damn life, Cloud, shut your tsundere up and speak honestly to him! "I want to fuck you."
"Yeah, I kinda gathered that. But why?"
Oh, Barret. Cloud slid his arms back around him, up to his neck, and flushed their bodies together. "Ever since I saw you, you've made me feel things. Things I've never felt before. I've just been drifting aimlessly through life and then you come along, bombing mako reactors and wanting to save the world. You make me feel alive, Barret! And so...I want to give you something precious. I...want you to deflower me." Cloud fluttered his eyes.
"Bitch please, you ain't been a virgin since fifteen," Barret called him out.
"But I've never made love!" Cloud wailed, holding him all the tighter. "I love you, Barret! And I want to show you...like this…" He leaned up to kiss him…
Barret pulled his face away. "I ain't never been wit no dude before. How you even know I want to sleep with you?"
Cloud's expression fell. "Now you're fuckin' with me. Barret, I can feel you. You want this. Now shut up and take it." He again began leaning forward.
But once again, he was thwarted, this time by Barret's hand holding his shoulder back. "Hold up, I definitely am not a catcher! I only pitch, baby!"
Cloud rumbled his approval, grabbing the hand and moving it aside, entwining their fingers together. Once more, he leaned in. "Then I'm ready to be your wide receiver."
"Wrong sport, moron," was the last thing said before their mouths smashed together again.
It was beautiful. Amazing. Stupendous. A thousand adjectives that still couldn't accurately describe the sensation. He kissed Barret like the answer to world hunger lay at the back of his throat and he was famished. Head twists and smacked lips and then Cloud actually hopped up, wrapping his legs around the mountain of a man. "Ravish me into the night, Barret!" he demanded, giving another hard kiss and nipping his bottom lip.
"No prob, Spikey," his plea was answered and Cloud trilled in pleasure. They stumbled into a bedroom and Cloud was thrown down on a bed who's squeaks sounded like it'd been around as long as he had. Barret instantly began to shed his vest and Cloud leaned up on his forearms to enjoy the view.
But then the other stopped. "Hey, um...uh. Like I said, I ain't never done this before. You need to, um...get ready or anything?"
Aww, his boo was so considerate! Cloud had taken the time already to freshen up at the bar and the life of an "escort" meant always being ready for if one of his johns should surprise him with a sudden text or a call. It was good to usually make them wait until he was ready so as not to seem desperate or cheapen his rates, but there were a few high-profiles he couldn't pull that with. Sephiroth was definitely one of them.
There was a name that was best left forgotten.
To Barret's inquiry, he responded, "I've prepped and am ready to go! Nice, loose and limber for you." As he spoke, he unclipped his sword holster (the Buster sword was tucked away at the bar) and the shoulder guard from the First class uniform. These items got caught on a small backpack that he'd brought along. Unzipping it, he rummaged around inside until he produced a full bottle of lube. "I've also got this to help things out," he winked.
It didn't help and Barret shifted his eyes away. "You just carry that wherever you go?"
Yes. "No, I told you, I wanted to do this with you. I ran back to my place during your meeting." Sometimes a lie was necessary to protect the ones you loved.
The big man nodded slightly. "A'ight. I guess. So, uh...what now?"
His confusion was hot and adorable. Cloud pulled himself up, grabbed Barret's black tank top and pulled him in. "Now we stop dilly-dallying and shilly-shallying and get to it," he licked his lips.
He kicked off his boots and Barret did the same, allowing Cloud to pull him onto the bed where he leaned above him on all fours. Cloud slowly began pulling up the shirt, watching for a reaction. It was difficult to tell, as even indoors, at well past four in the morning, Barret was still wearing his sunglasses. Deciding to leave the shirt alone for a bit, he reached up a hand, cupping the grizzly chin. "Do you have sensitive vision, dear?" he asked, trying to see past the shades and only being met with his own reflection.
The question must've been a very personal one as Barret made a pained noise that matched his mouth twisting. "Lil bit," he grunted, face once more turning away.
Cloud had long since noticed the two deep scratches that adorned his right eye, same side as the gun. He too had a scar he didn't like thinking about too much, of being rammed through the abdomen with a seven-foot sword when he refused its owner the demand of being his exclusive sex slave. He bit his lip, shoving that memory down. "It's alright, you don't have to talk about it," he said both for himself and his love, reaching up his arms to cradle the back of Barret's head and bring him in close. "No negative thoughts or feelings tonight, only fun."
This must've been the right thing to say. There was no hesitancy to Barret with this round of kissing and Cloud even giggled happily when the man took the lead, pressing his body down as his lips sought more of Cloud's. He was happy to give it all, opening wide for Barret to go deep and hard. Cloud let out a loud, wet whimper and ground his hips up. "Fuckin' right, just like that," he whispered in his ear when their mouths parted and finally succeeded in ripping the tank top off, along with pulling his own shirt up.
"You always horny like this?" Barret panted above him and Cloud's eyes lit up when he saw him rake his line of sight down his exposed body. They lingered for half a second on his own scar before moving on. "No shame, huh?"
Cloud had been called every kind of slut and whore in the book, and not always while in bed. But the extra money was nice, especially from the Firsts who paid him extra to keep his silence. "I like to have fun and refuse to hold on to any guilt for it," he replied, tilting his chin up defiantly.
Barret snickered and in a surprising move, pulled off the sunglasses. "I don't get it but alright, Spikey. Let's do this."
He'd been waiting all night to hear that.
The bed was like a matchbox with both of their sizes on the small mattress, but they managed to peel the rest of their clothes off. Everything about Barret was much better nude. Those glazed dinner roll abs. Those dummy thicc, ham hock thighs. The Hillshire Farms smoked sausage already happily raised to attention-go meats!
Cloud was definitely ready to feast.
He gave a thorough show of prepping himself, fingers covered in silky lube as he plundered deep while on his back. Barret's expression showed both unease and fascination and he took it as a good sign that he never looked away. Once finished, he beckoned his bear of a man closer, raising his knees high and wide. "It's all yours now."
Barret slid in like a guy into his best friend's newly ex-girlfriend's DM's. Each thrust pushed Cloud ever into the galaxy, cataclysmic pleasure that made him see stars, which at least was twice as far as his mother ever thought he'd make it in life which was why she'd named him Cloud.
Claudia Strife was not who he wanted to be thinking of right now.
"Mn-you know, Spikey," Barret grunted, giving a particularly angled thrust that scraped Cloud's prostate so wonderfully, it almost made him faint. "This ain't half bad. Might wanna-ungh, damn that's good!-might wanna...make this a regular thing, you catch my drift."
"Fuck, yes!" Cloud cried out as a reaction to the pleasure and only realized after that it also doubled as a response when Barret grinned down at him. Oh...oohh! Shit, despite his love-crazy pleas, this was only supposed to be a one night kind of thing, his schedule was already busy to all hell.
His chest bore the result of when he'd tried to end it with Sephiroth, so that option was out. Then what about Zack? A pity...Zack was actually boyfriend material, but Zack had told him his new girlfriend knew of their meetings and would only continue to approve of them if it became a threesome. It was tempting, he'd met her and Aerith was a sweet woman, maybe someone he could learn to love as well. But having two partners to constantly keep happy seemed extremely tiring. He'd still certainly regret having to get rid of his best friend with benefits.
Alright, then Zack was out and Barret was in...and hell yes was he in! He came back to the moment to feel Barret nudging his legs to the side and his ankles off his shoulders. Understanding what he wanted, his shaking thighs helped to turn him over, skillfully still keeping himself on Barret. On his hands and knees, he threw his most sultry look over his shoulder, slanting his eyes in just the way that he knew highlighted the gold and green flecks in them. That was thanks to the mako that still lingered within him, a permanent reminder of his failed attempt to get into SOLDIER.
What the fuck was with all the negative memories today? He blinked his eyes and concentrated on the mountain of a man poised behind him. "Fuck me raw, big daddy," he encouraged with a small shake of his ass.
"Ain't gotta tell me twice!" Barret cheered and pulled out just to slam into him in a move that flattened Cloud to the bed. Well then!
Barret's girth was so thick, it straddled that beautiful border of pleasure and pain and Cloud cried out again. He panted for more and managed to pull himself back up just enough to rock his hips to the sweet, frantic rhythm. He was getting close, and stroked himself with choked whines. Oh yes, oh, Barret, yes, just a little more, right there-
He raised himself fully on his knees and pushed Barret back to where he was almost sitting in his lap. He reached an arm behind him to grip the back of Barret's neck for balance and as he felt the man grunt his approval and renew his thrusts, he connected their lips in a deep kiss. Tongues battled it out like fighting cobras and Cloud felt his balls quiver when his own was sucked tensely into Barret's mouth. The kissing, the pulsing in his ass, the stroking of his hand...it all felt too fucking good and with a hissed "Yess!" he came with several hot streams of cum decorating the mattress.
But he wasn't done yet. He pulled himself off of Barret's meat hook, ignoring the frustrated groan at his building orgasm being interrupted. "Don't be mad, love, I think you'll like this next part better," Cloud assured and gave him another kiss before guiding them to switch and pushing Barret to lay down. It would've been wonderful to let his lover ride him until his own finish but his ass had all that it could take for the moment and he'd undoubtedly be very sore in the morning. But his blowjobs were S rank and he fell hungrily upon the appendage that had just been in him.
Even his mouth struggled to fit that cock, and he concentrated hard to keep his throat relaxed to fit in even more of him. The first time the soft cap hit the back of his throat, he actually witnessed Barret's eyes flutter as he sucked his teeth. He didn't miss as well when the man's hand lifted towards him, but then settled back down. Oh no, that just wouldn't do! He grabbed the hand and wordlessly allowed it to settle on top of his head. Barret looked down at him between his legs and Cloud loved the surprised blush he could see on his cheeks at the frank gesture. Keeping his eyes on him, he took him in deeply again, and as Barret groaned and shuddered, he smiled as he felt the hand grip his hair, then let go and massage the strands. Such a gentleman!
But that's not what he wanted from Barret right now. He knew his man was very close to the edge as his cock was nothing but a constant stream of precum. He began to increase the pace while simultaneously showing some love to the lovesacs underneath. He enjoyed hearing the beautifully litany of pleas that tumbled out of Barret's mouth as he sucked with precision and skill, and the hand tightened in his hair again. He even rejoiced in happiness as Barrett began to face-fuck him! Oh, what passion, what vigor!
"Yeah, Spikey! Do it..do just like that, ugnh!" The deep voice rasped and Cloud hummed in desperate agreement. That was all it took as the vibration caused a shudder of earthquake proportions. The thick hand grabbed his hair as an anchor as he felt Barret's white water rapids fill him up. He swallowed him down as best he could but trickles escaped his mouth and he allowed it to remain there as Barret's blissed-out eyes opened from his orgasm to meet his. He could see another dark blush gloss his cheeks at the mess he'd made and that was all that Cloud needed. He used his thumb to swipe it off, swallowing it down with the rest.
He would've given a post-sex kiss, but experience had taught him that not all guys liked tasting themselves afterwards and it always made things awkward when they pulled away. He didn't want to sully their wonderful evening and so after sitting up and stretching his torso a bit, Cloud reached down to the floor and began collecting his clothes.
"You leavin' already?" Barret asked and it ripped Cloud's heart to hear his disappointment. "I know you ain't mean half the shit you said but damn, I at least thought you'd stay for breakfast."
Oh? Aside from the two he'd been thinking of before, and for vastly different reasons, none had ever asked him to stay the night. Likely because at 1000 gil every half hour, few could afford it. But when was the last time he'd had a home cooked meal not made by himself?
Cloud felt something sweet and warm glow from within. "You know, Mr. Wallace, I do believe I'll take you up on that offer," he smiled, dropping his clothes back down and crawling over the side of the bed to snuggle closer. "I've had an opening in my schedule, a perfect Barret-shaped slot just for you," he tapped the large, soft nose and winked.
The returned, gruff noise of confirmation only made him feel better. "Good, cause I ain't big on hittin' and quittin' it," Barret told him solemnly and Cloud would have laughed if he wasn't being so serious. "I still want to do this right."
For Cloud, "doing it right" was leaving after his work was finished and keeping the relationship professional. But if he was losing Zack...why not let Barret completely fill up that role?
He grabbed the bearclaw that was Barret's left hand and gently rubbed the thick, dark hairs on the back of the knuckles. "All I want in the morning is a nice, hot cup of dark coffee," he purred, and licked his lips.
"I'd be rich if I had a gil for every time some chick said that to me," Barret actually chuckled and the rumbling sounded so nice, Cloud moved even closer to feel it. "And so now I gotta ask, you sure you don't want any cream to go with that coffee?"
Cloud giggled and squeezed his hand tight. "I'll take all that you've got."
"Comin' right up...later," Barret yawned and unable to resist, Cloud did, too.
Draped in each other's arms and exhausted from their night of passion, they soon fell into a peaceful slumber.
Yes, I made Cloud a high-class prostitute, lol. I figured if there's such a long list of characters throwing themselves at him and Square-Enix intentionally made Cloud more attractive than ever before, might as well make him expensive to touch :)