Location: In the skies above Muffinville
Time/Date: January 13, 2020, 8:15a.m.
(BGM - Megaman ZX Gigamix - Brilliant Show Window)
On some level, Callista Wilson-Metallium always did like being stuck in a routine. Wake up, eat breakfast, go shopping, eat lunch, wander the city at random, go home, eat dinner, and either watch sports events, browse YouTube or play video games until it was time to get ready for bed. Granted there were a few wrinkles in that routine-the odd PFL match, her communications with her friends, her weekend trips back to her homeworld, the completely random deaths and regenerations, the plethora of superpowers waiting in the wings-but on the whole, she'd gotten what she'd longed for for decades: a peaceful and quiet life.
Though there are limits to that. There's such a thing as being too quiet, after all.
As Callista's Pyro-GX traveled to her base of operations for this universe, she pondered what the 'quiet' life meant for Muffinville. The city was essentially a collection of worlds combined into one location across a thousand square miles and multiple dimensional sub-levels, with countless millions from all walks of life and all sorts of realities walking its streets. Name anything, and you could find it there. A resurrected and restored Egyptian mummy working as a bank teller? Sure enough, there one was. A millenia-old phoenix lady with her own construction business? That's her, dozing on a park bench. A hundred curses in existence since time immemorial coalescing into a human form? There it is, signing up for ballet lessons while eating Skittles.
But even in what was effectively one of the melting pots of the multiverse, there were those who made life in general... interesting. Whether they were causing problems, fixing them or getting caught up in them, there was no shortage of activity. Transformations, with magic being the root cause, were the order of the day. "The only constant is change" was Muffinville's slogan, and its permanent residents took pride in that fact; only one out of 1,300 managed to keep their birth species, basic appearance, and gender completely intact for their entire lives.
And due to most of those involved moving on with their lives or taking off for parts unknown, that rambunctious activity had sharply died down. There was still no shortage of oddballs, of course, but the more active and/or notorious of them were no longer around. Some had left before Callista had ever arrived on the scene, granted, but some had lingered for a while after. It was those people that she missed, because for better or worse they made life entertaining.
Callista's mind continued to wander even as her ship flew past Muffinville's city limits, heading some miles away. For decades, she had served as the leader of an interdimensional peacekeeping force of her own creation: the Super-Cats' Infinite Defense. Shortly after she first arrived on the continent, she got the idea from someone of creating a "safe zone" where violence and involuntary transformations were completely forbidden, giving those who didn't want them a break.
Calling in some favors, she had an Eclipse-class Star Dreadnaught partially submerged, allowed an associate to claim most of its weaponry for himself, had the engines removed and the back end sealed off, convinced a powerful chaos deity to ward the ship as needed, and converted the ship's bridge into a restaurant and arcade. Over time, the Mungojerrie became one of the most heavily-visited locales not located in Muffinville proper, and Callista continued to use it as her base of operations for this universe.
It's pretty much the only place on this planet where I'm guaranteed a break, she groused mentally, feeling a headache starting to set in as the desire to go shopping grew. Just because the heavy hitters are gone doesn't mean I'm not prone to dying in unlikely ways.
Callista broke out of her thoughts long enough to note that she'd reached her destination. Bringing the ship to a stop in mid-air, she carefully lowered it into a parking space reserved specifically for herself. There we go, she said to herself, shutting off the ship and opening the hatch. Now, let's see which department store I haven't victimized in a while-
A thump as something perched on the front of the ship. "Yoo-hoo! You've got mail!"
Callista looked up, her musings interrupted as a large envelope was placed in her hand. "Thanks, Mrs. Hooves, but I was under the impression that your vacation started today."
Mrs. Hooves, who was essentially a gray-feathered harpy with blonde hair and crossed eyes, shook her head. "Turns out it wasn't until next week. Guess I was a little bit too eager to show my friends and family back home the new me..."
"Eh, I'm sure you'll get your chance," Callista commented. "This everything? No junk mail or anything like that?"
"That's it. Have a good morning, Calli, and good luck in your next match!" Mrs. Hooves waved before taking to the skies, making the overly-stuffed mailbag she was carrying look weightless.
Callista chuckled and climbed out of the ship. Once upon a time, I would've thought fictional ponies turning into human-esque harpies would be strange. Now it's just another day in the life.
...
After Callista got herself situated in her suite and prepared for her daily shopping raid, she gave the envelope a lookover. "No return address," she muttered to herself. "But it was intended for me specifically right at this location, as opposed to my home universe or my Spamville apartments... any thoughts, Kaoru?"
-"Not a one,"- replied the familiar voice in her head. -"But you might as well look at it. Even if it's malevolent, this is the sort of thing the ship's wards were designed to repel."-
Callista shrugged. "True, that," she uttered, tearing open the envelope.
The card inside it was beautifully decorated with images of ivy and flowers around the edges, a bird clutching a ribbon in its talons at the top, and the words 'Please Join Us' etched in cursive in the middle. Eyebrows raised, Callista opened the card to view its contents...
/-
You Are Cordially Invited To
The Wedding and Reception Of
Marc and Circe Maddhouse
Date: February 22, 2020, 3:00p.m.
Location: North Maddhouse Recreation Center #2, Conference Room #1, Muffinville
Please RSVP by February 5th, 11:59:59p.m, at [number redacted]. Gifts are welcomed, but not required.
We hope to see you there!
-/
"..." Callista's blood chilled, and for a few moments she tried to convince herself that the person referred to in the card wasn't who she was thinking of. "It's not like she's the only 'Circe' in Muffinville, just the most well-known," she stated. "There's that small-time computer programmer, or the furniture saleslady..."
-"Maybe it was from one of your diehard fans? From someone who watches you fight in the PFL, maybe?"- Kaoru suggested, though it was clear she wasn't too sure herself. -"Not like it's the first time this has happened..."-
"As good a guess as any." Callista started to breathe a little easier. On a lark, she closed the card and turned it over to see if there was anything on the back. "If that's the case, then I'll just turn them dow-"
Embossed on the back of the card was a stylized letter 'C', given a blue, yellow and orange gradient effect. The both of them recognized the emblem immediately. "Doris Sturm's helmet logo," Callista murmured, eyes widening. "She must've designed the card herself, but that means-"
-"CALL!"- Kaoru urged at the top of her mental voice. -"CALL CALL CALL NOW NOW NOW!"-
Callista slammed the invitation onto her table and picked up her phone-not her smartphone, but the landline phone she kept around as a backup. Entering the number she was given, she stood back and waited.
Finally, a click. "Hello and welcome to Circe's Manor, this is Willow. How may I direct your call?"
"No need for that," Callista snarled through her teeth. "Tell the bride-to-be that I'll be at the ceremony. With all the bells in the ever-loving world on." Without waiting for the secretary to confirm, she slammed the phone back into the receiver with enough force to rattle the wall.
No sooner than she did that, her smartphone immediately started blaring 'Monster Dance'. Callista promptly answered the call, blood still boiling. "Yes, Ambush Cat, I'm perfectly aware."
"Got an invitation too, huh? Wonder what's going on over there," Ambush drawled in an obviously fake Southern accent. "I'm assuming we're going to sabotage the wedding?"
"I thought I was supposed to be the telepath," Callista admitted with a chuckle as she put a temporary rein on her temper-only to be interrupted by 'Believe in Wonderland'. She fiddled with her phone for a few moments. "Hold on a sec. I have to set up a conference call... ...anddd there."
"CIRCE'S GETTING MARRIED?!"Aldonza Karate shrieked, forcing Callista to keep her phone at arm's length. "TO THAT SLEAZEBALL?!"
"Try being a little louder," someone complained in the background, an 8-bit video game faintly audible. "Princess Zelda hasn't woken up yet."
"Sorry, Mini-Lina," Aldonza apologized contritely before getting back to business. "But in all seriousness, what's with all this suddenly? This is entirely out of character for her."
Fast-paced techno lit the air before it was abruptly silenced, signalling another addition to the conference. "Not to mention it's the exact opposite of her stated preference," Zapana Zquor said as she joined in. "Anyone else here thinking that something's messing with her mind?"
Another short song, this one vaguely dangerous in nature. "It's Muffinville," Missy Coco cut in, childish voice reeking with arrogance. "Could be anything. Could be an alien parasite on drugs, for all we know."
"...You know, I wasn't convinced before, but now I am. You received an invitation, too?" Ambush asked in his normal voice, for once on the receiving end of a surprise. "Last I heard, you were on business relations with her and nothing more."
Those listening could hear Missy rolling her eyes. "Trust me, I'm just as shocked as all of you. Figured you'd be talking about it, so I dialed in."
More music as some nearly-quiet smooth jazz rolled past their hearing. "...Would this be a bad time to ask everyone why this invitation landed on my desk out of nowhere? I'm not even in the Muffinverse right now."
"ELLEN?!" Ambush's voice did a 180, switching from a male feline snarker to a female human mother. "Why are you calling?! You're supposed to be at school!"
"...I am at school," the soft-spoken bibliophile informed her. "...In-between classes. And that doesn't answer my question."
"Strange things are afoot in the multiverse, kid," Callista groused. "Is your brother Pepsi Man at the moment?"
"And for the life of me I still can't believe that's a valid question," Zapana muttered, getting chuckles from the rest of the conference.
"... ...No, thank Stacy," Ellen muttered, ignoring the peanut gallery. "...What's the plan?"
"For now, just grab some soda pop from the vending machine and get it over to Elk. In-between his usual chaos and the school closing early for repairs, you shouldn't have problems getting to the portal and making the rendezvous at the Mungojerrie."
"Brainstorming session, I'm guessing?" Aldonza asked.
"Yes. Everyone, I want us to meet up at the restaurant's VIP area by 11:30a.m., local time. Get lunch there if you have to, but do try to get to the meeting on time, alright? That'll give you enough time to get there, and me enough time to quell my bargain-hunting urges."
One by one, everyone gave their agreements-
More music, this time sounding the slightest bit mysterious with a bit of hope. Aside from Ellen, everyone's emotions spiked. "Oh, come on!" Callista complained, her feelings echoed across the conference by facepalms or growling.
...
In her quarters at Circe's Manor, Claire de Loon regarded her phone with bemusement. "Am I... missing something?"
/-/-/-/-/
/-/-/-/-/
Time: 11:30a.m.
Location: The Mungojerrie VIP Party Room
(BGM - Command & Conquer OST - Recon)
The ship's VIP area was normally reserved for catered parties planned well in advance. Given what Callista had gathered everyone together for, she figured this didn't come anywhere close to qualifying.
Everyone who had been on the conference call was present:
Callista herself, the shopaholic and retired fleet commander. She'd be the first to admit that being the adopted child of a powerful mazoku had made her the slightest bit insane.
Ambush Cat, the multiverse-walking black Maine Coon and proud human mother who swapped identities and forms as easily as he breathed. If he wanted to go somewhere, or scare someone for kicks, there was no stopping her.
Aldonza, the mixed-breed fox caninoid to whom 'boredom' was an alien concept. The airways were her highway, and she had no shortage of connections around the world she called home.
Zapana, the middle-aged wolf caninoid who loved fights and fire almost as much as she loved her music. Compared to her fierce and bitter temperament as a child, the former super-soldier was incredibly mellow.
Missy Coco Shanelle, Callista's dark-minded child double and head-by-proxy of the rabble-rousing Brotherhood. The fact she was present at all would've been a source of worry for almost anyone, given her track record for chaos, but these were far from normal people.
And finally, Ellen Harrison, Ambush's notoriously emotionless daughter and the one most likely to keep her cool under stress. Callista had a hunch that she was going to be the room's only voice of reason, since almost everyone present was very strong-willed, quirky, or both.
There were several unexpected additions to the gathering, of course. First off, Claire was one of Circe's maids, and a fiercely loyal one at that. She claimed when she called that she had a legitimate grievance, but Callista figured they'd handle it at the meeting instead of discussing it over the phone.
The other was especially surprising. The resurrected Viridi, familiar to players of the Kid Icarus series as the Goddess of Nature, had walked in right before the meeting started and claimed one of the seats as if she owned the place. She gave everyone aside from Ellen an angry glare, though the one she gave Missy could've evaporated the nearest ocean. Callista silently hoped they could keep their animosity to themselves until the meeting was over, if only because the ship's wards wouldn't have stood for their violent bickering.
Lunch was just wrapping up as Callista called the meeting to order; she noticed Zapana finishing the last of her venison burger as she spoke. "Alright, one and all. You already know why I've called all of you here-most of you, I mean." She gestured to Viridi. "Why in Michigan are you here? This doesn't have anything to do with you."
"Like blazes it doesn't," Viridi replied, shaking her head. "You're planning on eviscerating Marc Maddhouse for his travesties, right? I want in."
Ellen clasped her hands on the table. "...I'm guessing they took the term 'flower girl' literally?"
"Well yes, I admit I'm a natural choice for the role, but still!" Viridi slammed her fists on the table. "That's not my problem. The problem is that Maddhouse is a perfect example of everything that is wrong with humanity, and I want him gone!"
"'Dead... or insane'," Aldonza quoted, voice dropping to an eerie whisper. "'Or perhaps one, then the other...?'"
Viridi blinked. "I don't know whether to be creeped out or not, but that impersonation was spot-on. Have you been playing her game recently?"
Aldonza shrugged and smiled. "What can I say? I've been on a horror binge."
"Okay, cutting off that train of thought before it gets too Seinfeldian," Callista interrupted sharply, shivering. "Ignoring the fact that no one of importance in Muffinville ever stays dead from non-natural causes for very long... Claire, what about you? What's your issue?"
"The issue is that I want to see this marriage dissolved just as much as you do." Though Claire didn't exactly plead, enough anxiety crept past her decorum to indicate the depth of her emotions at that point. "But my hands are tied. Given her overall lack of relatives in this world aside from..." She paused, trying to find the word she wanted. "What's Ookalf's relation to Lady Circe?"
"I've always just thought of him as her older brother," Zapana stated after a moment. "The truth is more complicated, but the truth gives me a headache just thinking about it, and it's outside the scope of this meeting anyway."
"Is this some bizarre application of Occam's Razor I'm not familiar with?" Missy asked with a smirk.
Zapana pointed at the little criminal mastermind in confirmation. "Bingo."
"...And here I was just trying to get a rise out of you," Missy complained, slumping a little in her seat. "You're no fun."
"R...Right," Claire continued. "Anyway, as I was saying, Ookalf is Lady Circe's only real relative in this world, discounting the Muffin Continent's penchant for magic-centric trouble. As such is true, I've been handpicked to serve as one of her bridesmaids."
A chorus of 'Oohs' echoed through the room. "Guessing you have no idea what a bridesmaid is supposed to do beyond stand around and look pretty?" Callista said, feeling that they were in the same boat considering their respective pasts. She'd never been part of a wedding party before, so how could someone derived from her be expected to know?
...Well, technically she had been part of a wedding party before, but that was in a whole other time and place.
Claire's nod confirmed that. "I checked online, but there are some parts of it that aren't very clear. And considering that we want to spoil the entire event..."
"I can't offer anything," Zapana admitted, shaking her head. "My homeland didn't follow the same customs, and I've never been able to pick up any of the details involved since I arrived on Earth. It's just never interested me."
Ellen didn't say anything, letting that by itself speak for her. Missy and Viridi likewise shook their heads.
"My cousin Dulcinea still works part-time on Circe's staff, and she was one of the bridesmaids at my wedding," Aldonza suggested. "Talk to her when you get the chance. Maybe she has some advice. Who's the maid of honor? Do you know yet?"
Claire frowned. "Not yet, no. I'll find that out."
"What I'm curious about is this Marc Maddhouse guy. Who's this oddball, and why is everyone dead-set on hating him?" Zapana asked.
A disbelieving Viridi gave her a strange look. "You've seriously never heard of him?"
"Unlike everyone else here, I don't turn up in the Villes often unless it involves cleaning up Callista's rampages or having the odd fight with Aldonza-chan." Zapana examined her claws lazily. "I'm not required to know the ins and outs of Muffinville's worst and darkest. Only reason I'm even asking about him is because I heard Aldonza calling him a sleazeball seven miles away."
"Seven miles? Isn't that outside your range?"
"If people are whispering, Viridi, yes." Zapana tapped her left ear for emphasis. "But if people are noisy, my range expands greatly. If Callista were to try singing Celine Dion right now, for example, I could travel to the farthest point on the ship and still need to seek medical attention."
A blushing Callista chucked a crumpled McDonalds wrapper at Zapana's head, missing by a few inches. "Oh, just stow it already. We're getting off-topic again."
Ambush picked that moment to speak, a rotating satellite dish sticking out the top of his head for no discernible reason. "To answer Zappy's question, Marc Maddhouse-as my pseudo-daughter stated-" He ignored the glare Viridi fixed him with. "-embodies all of humanity's worst traits. He gives that Tarukane creep from Yu Yu Hakusho a run for his money (or lack thereof) in sheer ugliness, and he's proud of it. He's lied, stolen, and cheated his way to the top of a corporate empire that matches the Brotherhood for sheer resourcefulness..."
"No small wonder that I wouldn't mind seeing him crash and burn," Missy hissed, her hair temporarily taking on a darker hue as she spoke. A plushie of herself popped up over her shoulder, nodding sagely in agreement.
"...he lures in potential employees with large salaries, then uses blackmail to keep them in line..."
Ellen withdrew a playing card from her holster; a cursory glance at the girl's thoughts told Callista that it was the King of Spades. "...A waste of paper."
"...thinks nothing of wrecking ecological havoc for financial gain..."
Viridi's face turned a bright red, but she was able to resist the urge to scream angrily.
"...has the old-fashioned 'stay in the kitchen' perspective when it comes to women and treats them like flash drives..."
Claire didn't have the Goddess of Nature's self-control, jumping out of her chair and slamming her fists onto the table. "I will reduce his bones to TOOTHPICKS!" she screeched, hair turning jet black in a flash.
"Down," Callista warned, reaching over and gently pushing the maid back into her seat. It was clear that she wasn't doing much better, though, as she'd shifted to her Delcatty-based hybrid form out of sheer revulsion. In her subconscious, she could hear Kaoru giving her hammer some test swings.
"...looks down on the hard work of his employees, seeing them strictly as a means to an end..."
Aldonza's eyes glowed a soft green.
"...is perfectly alright with experimenting on others for grins..."
Zapana's fists slammed together, a flash of purple fire manifesting on contact.
"...and owns the world's largest collection of easy-listening music."
Everyone stared at Ambush in confusion, their anger temporarily forgotten. "(...)What does that have to do with anything?" they chorused, though Ellen's standard hesitation prevented it from being completely simultaneous.
Ambush shrugged, the satellite dish retracting back into his head. "Nothing. I just felt like throwing it out there."
Most everyone present sagged in their seats at this, while Missy flat-out facefaulted. "I noticed you didn't list any grievance that would earn your wrath," Aldonza commented as she sat up straight. "Why?"
One of Ambush's eyebrows raised; it promptly vacated his face and vanished through the ceiling while yodeling. "I most certainly did. Weren't you paying attention?"
"Which one was it?"
"His ugliness," Ambush confirmed, ignoring the weird looks he got from everyone in reply. "All that other stuff is awful, sure, but my beef with him is that he's ugly. Looks like a raisin subjected itself to reverse-wrinkle cream."
"Reminds me more of a mutated Stunfisk," Aldonza complained. "Uggh."
"Or an entirely glitched-up 'Team Fortress 2' mod," Claire piped up, her hair back to its normal teal-silver.
"Or the illegitimate love-child of Deadpool and Cruella de Vil," Missy uttered.
"Or two houseflies mating," Viridi added.
"Or the antagonist of It during the climax of Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Zapana tentatively suggested.
Viridi nodded approvingly. "See? You're getting it."
Callista, who had shifted back to human form, gave Ellen a pleading look as everyone else traded increasingly absurd comparisons. "I can't take this anymore. Mind arbitrating this meeting in my stead?" she all but begged.
Ellen sighed softly, but nodded. "...Go ahead and lay down. I'll send you the minutes later."
Upon hearing her confirmation, Callista wasted no time in vacating her seat and fleeing the room towards her suite, feeling violently sick the whole way. The final comparison she heard as the door slammed shut behind her, comparing Marc to a fusion of Quasimodo and a half-melted Wicked Witch of the West, didn't help her mood any.
-"Or Cthulu's pet Sharpei."-
"SHUT UP, KAORU!"
NOTES: This story is already posted in full at AO3. I'll try to have all the chapters posted by the end of the month, but I make no guarantees.