Jennifer Jureau opens the backseat door of her SUV and grins at her son. He smiles at her with the smile that reminds her of her mother, and those eyes that have Will's sparkle. She pushes the guilt and shameful feelings about her ex-husband down and picks up Henry, swinging him down to the ground with a laugh.
JJ kneels down in front of her son. "Henry, I know it's been hard for you to make friends for a while, but I want you to try. Can you do that? Can you do that for Mama?"
Henry nods sheepishly.
JJ smiles. "Good. I love you, baby. Have a good day at school. Dad's going to pick you up, and I'll see you in a few days, okay?"
Henry throws his arms around his mother, and she holds him close. She squeezes her eyes shut, not willing to show him the weak, emotional side of her. Henry needs strong parents right now more than anything else. Her research of child development, especially in kids with divorced parents, floats around her mind.
JJ lets go of her little boy, but not before giving him dozens of kisses all over his face. He laughs before groaning and wiping them off playfully. JJ silently hopes that he will never grow out of loving her kisses.
Henry darts into the school, and his mom stands up. She carefully checks her cheeks for tears with her fingers, but they come up dry. She sighs heavily and leans against the door. How did it get to be like this? she wonders, but she knew the answer. In her mind, the logical part of herself, she knows that it was all Will's fault. Cheating on her with an ex-girlfriend when he visited Louisiana was absolutely his decision, and she knows it. But in her heart, the place where everything seems to ring true despite all logic, she thinks it was her fault. Will has spent countless arguments blaming her for never being around and hardly showing affection when she was. He has even accused her of being gay. But that couldn't be true, right?
JJ picks up her phone as soon as it buzzes. A text from Garcia asks her if she's going to be late. She shakes herself out of her trance and hops in the car, leaving her son behind.
"What's wrong?" Spencer Reid asks her the second JJ exits the elevator. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, you?" She replies in a dull tone, careful to not make eye contact. It's extremely difficult for JJ to hide her emotions around profilers. It's nearly impossible to get anything past them.
Spencer replies by describing to JJ the controversy surrounding genetic manipulation and how much he read about it the night before. JJ tunes him out. She's an expert at giving Spencer a few "uh huh"s and "yeah"s while he speaks without actually listening. Spencer knows she isn't paying attention, but he likes to talk about his passions anyway.
Spencer sits down at his desk, and JJ is finally at peace. She walks her coffee with oat milk and Penelope's soy latte with extra foam into the computer office, where Penelope sits. She wears a blindingly white dress covered in black squiggles along with blue heels and a blue bow in her hair.
JJ leans against one of the tables and exhales, placing her friend's coffee beside her. She closes her eyes and drops her head back. Penelope's presence always makes her feel safe. Her best girl friend is the only person there with her, and that's how she likes it. It's comfortable.
"Hey," Penelope starts, and she puts her hand over JJ's. "What's going on?"
JJ shakes her head. "Just thinking about. . . everything. You know? I had to drop Henry off today knowing I won't see him for days. I hate feeling like a part-time mother."
"JJ, you're not a part-time mother!" Penelope exclaims, apparently offended. "You're a full-time mom. Henry is always on your mind. You want what's best for him, and you know Will's a good dad. Sure, he was a crappy husband, but-"
"Thank you, Penelope." JJ interrupts. "I just wish I were over it by now. It's been a year. I don't get why I can't move on. Will has a girlfriend, why don't I?"
Penelope raises her eyebrow.
"Boyfriend!" JJ blurts. "That's what I meant, obviously."
"I don't know, JJ," Penelope sings, "but you're the profiler."
JJ puts her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. Get up and leave, she thinks to herself. Stand up and leave her office, and go do your paperwork. Come on, you're better than this. She follows her own directions and stands up, leaving the room without saying goodbye. Penelope called after her, but she pretends she didn't hear.
JJ finds herself in the bathroom, her hands on each side of the sink. She stares at herself in the mirror. "I'm not. . . I'm straight." She blinks at her reflection. She hasn't been able to say the word "gay" for a long time. She doesn't know why. It scares her.
"JJ?" Penelope's voice echoes as she enters the bathroom. "You forgot your coffee." She hands JJ the cup, and she laughs.
"Thanks. I'm sorry I walked out like that, it was rude."
"No, I understand. I was being rude. I'm the one who pushed you to talk about, well, you know."
JJ clears her throat and nods fiercely, gripping the cup tightly in her hands. A tear threatens to fall down her face, but she wipes it away. "Divorce is hard, Penelope." She says. "Not getting to see my child when I come home is worse."
Penelope knits her eyebrows. "I know, JJ."
A tense silence passes between them, neither of them knowing what to say. JJ knows Penelope is thinking about her sexuality, and Penelope knows JJ doesn't want her to say anything. But she can't help it. Penelope has to tell her that it will be okay. That no matter who she loves, she is loved.
"JJ, you know we'll love you no matter what, right?" Penelope asks, and JJ doesn't answer. "I mean, most of us took it well when Reid came out as bi, and-"
"Stop." JJ says softly. "I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to talk about it. I-I'm not."
Penelope nods. JJ walks past her out of the bathroom, her gentle hand brushing Penelope's shoulder on the way out.