Set after 9x08.
She is hugging him, trying to keep his pain from exploding, as if that would be possible.
She kisses his neck and rubs his nape with her fingers.
"I'm so sorry, Harvey." She whispers in his ear, trying to hold back her tears. "I'm here with you. Always." And she hugs him tighter.
She feels his arms clinging even more to her waist and a sigh of him, feeling his heavier body on hers.
She is Donna. She always knows what to do.
But, not this time. She wants to do something to prevent him from suffering. But… What?
"Come with me." She says and they sit at the coach.
Harvey sits with his elbows on his knees, his head facing the ground as if he doesn't know what to do.
"Do you want anything?" She asks, afraid of not asking the right question.
"Scotch."
She nods and goes to serve two scotches. She needs it too.
Donna gives a glass to Harvey, and she approaches the record player, waiting for a signal for him. He nods slightly with his head, and she puts up a record of his father, the one who is his favorite, and sits next to him again. They drink without saying anything.
Harvey's eyes are flooded with tears, but he feels unable to release them. As if the action of crying turns her mother's death into something real. He doesn't want it to be real. He doesn't want this to be happening. Not now.
Donna passes her arm by his neck and rests her chin on his shoulder.
"It's ok if you cry, Harvey." She says, sweetly.
He says nothing and lets himself be guided by his girlfriend, who makes him rest his head on her lap.
Donna's hands get between his hair and her fingers move smoothly as if that could reassure him.
She doesn't know if that reassures him, but at least it serves so that he can release his tears.
"Why now?" He asks, almost voiceless by crying.
"I don't know Harvey." She says and kisses his head.
They stay there for quite some time, without saying anything until Harvey's phone rings and Donna takes it.
"It's Marcus." She says.
Harvey gets up and grabs the phone to go to his bedroom.
"Harvey, she was very happy since you went to look for her." Marcus says.
"I could have done it before."
"But you did it, and it was very important for her. Don't feel guilty about that."
Donna is walking back and forth while Harvey is talking to his brother, looking for an answer she knows she doesn't have.
The previous weekend they had been about to travel, so Donna and Lily could get to know each other, and they canceled it for work.
Always for work.
She listens to the bathroom door and goes to his bedroom. The music of his father still sounds. She knocks on the bathroom door.
"Harvey… Can I come in?" She asks, listening to him cry.
"Yes, please." He whispers.
Donna comes in, and he is sitting on the floor, crying like a child. She comes up to him and notices that he isn't just crying, he's very sweaty, has trouble breathing, he's agitated and his hands are trembling.
She assumes he is having a panic attack.
"Harvey, can you hear me?" She asks, taking his hands. He nods. "Raise your arms, I'm going to take your sweater off."
Donna helps him take off his sweater, and then she wets a towel that goes through his forehead.
"I can't breathe." He says, almost voiceless.
Donna takes his hands and strokes them with her fingers.
"Look at me." She says and he does it. "Try to follow my breath."
Donna begins to breathe calmly and Harvey tries to follow her. It takes him a little while, but always reassures him to see her chest go up and down when she is sleeping.
"Just like this, you're doing great." She says softly and kisses his knuckles. "You're not alone. Just breath, like this."
Harvey rests his head on Donna's shoulder, looking for her hug. She holds him in her arms, and he rests his head on her chest.
Donna's hands go up and down his back, while he is calming down.
"Can you get up?" She asks and kisses his head.
"I guess." He whispers.
Donna gets up first and helps him. They go to bed and Harvey hugs her again with his head on her chest.
"I did everything later. Forgive her and go get you. I'm an idiot." He says, drowned in tears.
"No Harvey. You did the best you could when you could."
"I wasted a lot of time."
"But you could forgive her. Do you know how important it was for her?"
"It wasn't enough."
"Yes, it was Harvey."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I talked to her. She thanked me for taking care of you for so many years, she told me she was very happy to see us together… And she told me that she had already given up hope that you'd come back and that the day you went looking for her, she felt whole again. And, in her own words, it was the best gift life could give her."
"It was late."
"Don't think that. It was, this is important."
"We were going to Boston, and we didn't go for a stupid meeting."
"We couldn't know, Harvey." Donna responds, trying to hold back her tears.
There is a silence between them, Harvey notices that she too is crying, and they hug more tightly.
"Promise me you will never leave me alone." He begs like a child.
"I promise Harvey. I'm here, and I'm going to be here always." She kisses his forehead. "I love you and I promise, you're going to overcome this. I'm here, and I'm not going to leave you. Never."
He holds on even tighter to her girlfriend and lets himself be contained for hours until he falls asleep.
Being sleepy, she won't let go either.
But, after Lily's funeral, everything changes.
The last few days had always passed the same way.
They would wake up together, Harvey's hand always over Donna's waist or stomach. He kissed her cheek before she got up and went to have a shower, when she had ended up in the shower, it was Harvey's turn, while she was dressing up in the dressing room. Harvey joined her, got dressed, and then went to the kitchen and made coffee.
While Harvey was doing it, Donna started making up and drying her hair. Harvey left her cup of coffee near her, kissed her (usually on her shoulder), and finished preparing silently.
Before Lily's death, they weren't always silent, they both made jokes or comments without much sense while they were doing it, they kissed every time they were face to face. Harvey always helped Donna with her dresses and she helped him with his tie.
After the silent morning, they went to the office together, sitting at the back of Ray's car, silently, hand in hand.
They spent the workday, had lunch together, when they only spoke about office stuff, continued their work routines, and went back to Harvey's apartment together.
Donna hadn't gone to hers in those last few days.
They both took off their work clothes and snuggled up on the couch to watch a TV show. The reality was that none of them paid much attention to it.
Harvey was too screwed up in his pain and Donna was desperate not to be able to help him.
Being his girlfriend this time... Shouldn't she be able to help him in a better way?
It had always hurt her to be away from Harvey when his dad died. Now she's by his side, she's his girlfriend... And she feels unable to help him anyway.
Later, they ordered something to eat, had dinner still watching the TV, and when they were both in the bedroom, Harvey took the initiative, and they had sex. It wasn't good or bad, just too mechanical. Donna couldn't say she didn't feel cared for by him, but she felt disconnected from him. It felt different and what hurt her the most was to see that she could do nothing to help him.
Was he becoming the same Harvey as before? He swallows all his pain, has sex to cover up his pain, and follows his life as if nothing had happened.
That night, Harvey falls asleep, hugging her by her abdomen and she passes the tips of her fingers by his arm. She turns her head so that she can look at him and sighs, her eyes filled with tears.
She loves that man so much, and she is Donna, she has to be able to help him in some way that isn't just having sex.
His eyebrows are pursed and his jaw clenched, Donna passes gently and several times her fingers over his features, until she sees that he is beginning to relax. She turns her body to look face to face with him and strokes his nose with hers, closing her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Harvey." She whispers and feels Harvey's hand pressing on her waist. "Are you awake?" She whispers again, but she doesn't have an answer. She kisses his forehead and curls up in him, until she falls asleep, promising herself that she is somehow going to make him talk to her.
But the next three days are the same. She sees him fight his inner demons, all day long he has his face strained and when he is doing nothing, his fists are clenched, his shoulders always in tension.
That day, before they leave the firm, Donna approaches his office.
"Harvey… Are we going back together today?"
"Yes, why? Do you have to stay until later?"
"No, it's not that. I was thinking maybe it would be good for you to go to the gym." She says, trying to sound as soft as possible, but he doesn't respond. "Sorry, it was just an idea, I shouldn't have said anything."
"No… It would be a good idea."
"As you prefer."
"You're right, a few punches to the boxing bag might clear my mind a little bit."
Donna sighs, a little more relaxed and thinking that maybe that way, she could avoid routine sex and try to talk to him that night.
"I'm going to go to my apartment and get some stuff and I wait for you in your apartment. Burgers?"
"Yes, please." He responds, smiling timidly at her.
Donna smiles too and begins to walk to leave, but Harvey calls her, she turns to look at him.
"Thanks, Donna."
"It's nothing, Harvey."
I wish I could do more, she says in her mind.
Later, Donna is waiting for him with his favorite burgers in his condo.
He arrives, approaches Donna, and kissed her.
"Hey... How did it go?" She asks.
"Luckily, I hit the bag and not a person." He says a little embarrassed.
"Did it do you good?"
"Yes, I think."
"Good." She says, putting her hands on his chest. "Do you want to eat?"
"Yes, give me a second, I need to go to the bathroom."
Harvey leaves and Donna decides to wait for him in the kitchen, trying to avoid the couch and the TV that night.
But still, when she tries to talk about Lily, he deflects the conversation.
Good Donna. This is completely useless.
After dinner, Donna goes to the bathroom and when she comes back, he is on the balcony, his hands resting on the handrail and his head sunk between his shoulders. She approaches him, putting her hand between his shoulder blades and rubbing it. He doesn't move.
She stands next to him, still with her hand on his back, and kisses his cheek, resting her head on his shoulder. She feels Harvey's arm go through her waist and stays there for a few minutes, until he hugs her, hiding his face in the hollow of her neck.
Her red hair tickles Harvey's face, and he loves when that happens, be invaded by her, by her smell, by these sensations, by her.
She rubs his back with her hands, trying to give him the support that she doesn't know if he is asking for it.
It's never been so hard for her to read Harvey.
"Hey… I'm here." She whispers in his ear.
He hugs her stronger, nodding, and they stay there in silence, for a few more minutes.
Donna finally thinks she is being able to get through his wall, he is starting to relax in her arms, even though she hears him sob... But within a second, he is already kissing her collarbone and neck vehemently, touching her skin below her clothes.
Donna wants to separate him from her, unsuccessfully and lets herself be overcome when he begins to take her to the bedroom.
On the bed, he's with all his weight on her, kissing her, and she is about to give up, but had promised herself that she would help him differently and she knows that to continue that way, she would only push him into the abyss.
"Harvey…" She says, but he doesn't answer. "Harvey, please, stop." She says trying not to sound aggressive or angry.
"Do you feel bad?" He asks, separating a little from her, worried.
He hadn't really asked her anything about her in those 10 days. He notices that at this moment.
"Harvey…" She sighs, passing her hands by his arms. "It's not that."
"So?" He asks on her neck, trying to put her again in the mood.
But, she moves him carefully and sits on the bed, leaning her body on the back of the bed.
"Please Donna… I need you." He begs.
"I'm here Harvey." Harvey wants to hold on to her again, but she stops him, putting her hands on his chest. "Hey, Harvey... You can't always escape pain by having sex. I don't want to pressure you to talk, because I know that's worse..." She pauses, biting the inside of her cheek. "But I wish you could talk to me." She draws his eyebrows with her fingers, Harvey struggles to hold back tears. "From the funeral, that when we are both alone and calm here, you avoid talking, we have sex, and you fall asleep... And it's okay, it's not that I don't like it, but it's not what you need right now."
"I can't talk now, Donna." Donna sees a tear fall down his cheek which she carefully dries with her thumb.
"I'm worried you're going back to this, Harvey." She is completely honest and Harvey looks at her strangely. "For years you spent it having sex with women to evade what was happening to you."
"Donna, it's not the same." He responds, worried about her feelings. "You're not any woman to me."
She smiles tenderly. "I know and this is not the topic of this conversation." She kisses his lips gently to calm down him.
"Did I make you feel that?" He asks with guilt.
"No, relax. It wasn't our best sex, but…"
"I'm so sorry… You don't deserve that." And he looks down.
"You never do me wrong Harvey... You always take care of me and that's not what I want to talk about." She takes him by the chin, so he looks at her again.
"Are you sure? I didn't want..."
She interrupts him. "Yes, I'm sure, and I know it." She says softly, intertwining her fingers with his. "But if you keep this up, you're going to explode... I don't want you to have a panic attack again. And I can't bear to see you like this, I want to help you. Let me do it."
"I feel bad all the time... I need to feel good and having sex is the only time I stop thinking about the shit that happens to me."
"Of course you're going to feel bad and sad Harvey, you just lost your mom..."
"I know."
"Your soul's going to hurt, and you're not going to be able to avoid it."
Harvey lets go of Donna and hides his face in his hands.
"You need to cry Harvey, you can't keep everything." She says, caressing his nape. "Don't you think this time it would be better for you to have a healthier duel than the one you had with your dad?" She kisses his head. "You deserve it, you deserve to be able to heal in a better way."
He says nothing, just hugs her by the waist, hiding his face again in her neck and she gently hugs him.
"Now you're hugging me, that's already better." He says in tears.
Donna kisses his cheek and begins massaging his scalp. "Always Harvey."
They lay down and Harvey cries for hours in Donna's arms.
It's a good start... She thinks.
One month after Lily's death, Harvey is still fighting with himself to stay whole at work and if anyone knows, it's Donna.
Donna is the one who hugs him every night in the middle of his sobs, tenderly stroking his hair, kissing on his forehead, and massaging his scalp until he calms down.
It's Donna who hears him tell stories of her mom and sees him go from laughter to tears in a second.
She had been with him when Harvey checked Lily's things. She was with him when Lily's painting was hung in Harvey's condo, and he started crying as soon as they were done.
It's Donna where Harvey takes refuge, it had always been her, but now everything is different. For the first time, he feels he can disarm completely because she is holding him.
Donna walks into Harvey's office when he is not there. She leaves on his desk a cup of coffee makes by her and writes him a note:
"We both know that I was never a secretary who took care of your coffee and whenever I did it was because I knew you needed a mime and that will never change. Black coffee, two sugars, a splash of vanilla, and love."
She knows he would go back soon, he has only gone looking for some documents.
She leaves his office to return to her office and sets out to continue her workday.
Half an hour later, Harvey appears out the door.
"Hey..." Donna says, raising her head to look at him.
Harvey smiles, his eyes squeak. Seeing always makes him smile, even in the worst moments. "Thank you."
"It was nothing."
"It was always and was a lot." He says as he walked into the office and closes the door. "Today is a particularly difficult day."
"Do you have a few minutes?"
"Yes, can I sit down?"
"Please, come here."
Harvey sits in front of Donna and immediately takes her hand among his, caressing her skin with his fingers.
"It's just that..." He sighs. "So many times I assumed you, thinking you were always going to be there."
"I'll always be." She says, soft.
"I didn't value you enough."
"Yes, you did, Harvey."
"I hurt you so much."
"I can't say no, but I know you value me and love me all the time."
"Always, even when I couldn't prove it."
"I know, Harvey." She says and presses his hand.
"I just want to go home with you." He whispers.
"We've got the whole weekend ahead."
"I know." He says and is silent. "What are you doing?"
"Documents requested by Faye." She says and rolls her eyes.
"Can you take your computer to my office?"
"Yes."
"I need to have you around." He says almost in a whisper. "In our office."
Donna smiles warmly and kisses his hand. "Do I make more coffee?"
"Please."
After a while, they are in Harvey's office, Harvey in his regular chair, Donna in front of him. Both are focused on their work, but Donna's foot is on the ground, between Harvey's legs. Their knees graze. Just making him feel like she is there, that she won't go anywhere.
From time to time, Harvey looks at her and stares at her.
She notices as she had always noticed since she was at her desk on the other side of the door.
Looking at her always calms him down, connects him to reality.
He passes his fingers by her elbow, just touching her because now he can. She smiles at him.
"Thank you."
"For what? I'm not doing anything."
"Yes, you are and you know it." She smiles at him. "Everything you've ever done for me, and particularly in this last month, really Donna. I couldn't without you."
"Yes, you could, but I'm glad I can help you, Harvey."
"You always do." She smiles at him again and he smiles back.
"Let's get this over with so we can go home."
A/N: Despite the sadness, I hope you enjoyed it.
As always, I'm sorry for any possible mistakes this has.
Thank you for read it! Reviews are always appreciated :)