I love you. Good bye, Dean.
He can't get those words out of his head. And yet, he presses play again on his laptop to hear it again. To see his face. To hear him one more time.
Six empty beer bottles sit on the table but he stills needs more. He needs an escape to this feeling of... despair. He picks up two full boxes of beer and a bottle of jack from the kitchen, drinks one of the beers on his way back to the library and opens up a new one while he sits down in front of the laptop again.
The screen is frozen with Cas' face in clear view.
I love you.
He presses play again but it doesn't work. Fuck. He finishes the beer and picks up another one, then he gets up and heads towards Sam's bedroom to take his laptop.
He knows this isn't healthy but he needs this. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to stop that feeling of emptiness in his chest. This way he can pretend he's still there. As if. He knows he is gone. He knows. He isn't a stranger to this feeling. To his absence. But this time is different. This time it feels definitive. And he thought last time was tough!
He sits down once again on the library, takes another beer as he opens Sam's laptop to find the security camera footage.
He sees the both of them running down the hallway towards the dungeon and he swears he can still feel Cas' arm on his shoulder, but when he looks to his right he's alone. Just empty space beside him. When he gets to the part where they are trapped in the dungeon he feels the tears fall down his face again, although they never stopped, so he doesn't even try to stop them now.
The one thing I want it's something I know I can't have.
He throws an empty beer bottle to the wall.
"You stupid son of a bitch. Of course you could have it!"
He buries his face on his hands and lets out a loud sob into the empty room.
"You could have had it any time you wanted. All you had to do was ask", he cries.
I love you.
"Then why did you do this to me?! How could you leave me like that?!"
Goodbye, Dean.
He stands up while letting out an anguished scream of Cas' name and throws another bottle across the room.
"You dumb son of a bitch! I hate you! I hate you! Cas!"
He falls to his knees with a broken sob and stays silently crying for a few minutes.
"I wish I could hate you", he whispers, "I wish I didn't care. I wish..."
He picks up the bottle of jack from the table and sits on the floor as he takes a swig.
"It's too late now"
The video keeps playing on repeat on the table but he doesn't have the strength to turn it off.
What do we do, Cas?
Drink.
Come on, Dean. We got to go.
Drink.
I've got you. Come on, Dean.
Drink.
Maybe we can wait her up.
Drink.
She's gonna get through that door and she's gonna kill you.
Drink.
I made a deal to save him.
Drink.
The one thing I want it's something I know I can't have.
Drink.
Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.
Drink.
I know how you see yourself.
Drink.
Because you cared, I cared.
Drink.
You changed me, Dean.
Drink.
I love you.
Drink.
Goodbye, Dean.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
"No, no, no, no. No! Cas! Please, come back! You always find a way back to me, please, please, just one last time. Come back to me... I can't do this without you"
He lays down on the floor, tears still falling down his face and just wishes him to be back. He knows he should go to his room. He doesn't want Sammy to see him like this. But he doesn't have the strength to move. Or care.
Eventually, sleep takes over, but it isn't a peaceful sleep. His brain keeps replaying that moment over and over again, even in his sleep. Specially in his sleep.
In the morning, Sam finds him passed out on the floor surrounded by empty beer bottles, the video still playing on his laptop.