Authors Note: this is a repost from my first and formal fanfiction account—Inalndofmyth. I forgot my password so I tragically no longer have access to that account *sobs*.
Summary: The very first color Merlin ever saw was blue, as was the very last.
Spoilers: the entire show
Warning: slightly dark Merlin
Rating: T
COLORS
The very first color Merlin ever saw was blue.
At seventeen it was quite uncommon to meet one's Soulmate, especially when hailing from such a small, unpopular town such as Ealdor. Many people didn't even believe in soulmates. The tales of Bonding one's soul to another for an entire lifetime seemed too far fetched and ludicrous; for even if the Founding Pair had Bonded, that did not insure everyone in the world was granted a true Soulmate. Because of these beliefs, Soulbonds were denied and ignored and over the years the unsatisfied Bond began to die out in humans.
Now, Soulmates were rare and few. They could indeed be found but the latest recorded Soulbond dated back twenty-three thousand years ago. Many books had been written on the idea since then, believing the Bond could be resurrected again — although it would take Soulmates themselves to begin the flame of another Bond. The druids sang of happiness returning to man through Soulmates and the Old Religion held yearly rituals in hopes of reviving a Bond. There was even a prophecy, claiming Albion could be saved by a Bonded Pair.
But none of these acts could stimulate a Bond until two suitable Soulmates were found, in a world of Unbonded.
Merlin had grown up all his life listening to such stories passed around a camp fire and whispered in the dark of night. His mother herself, an Unbonded, believed the tales of Soulmates just those — tales, and nothing more — and was prepared to raise her child to share the same thoughts.
But when Merlin was born, it all went wrong. She knew in her heart that he was never meant to simply be 'Merlin of Ealdor'. In the same way he seemed to command the birds or will life into the crops, Hunith knew her boy was special. Not only did Merlin have magic, but he was also the son of a Dragon Lord and a Soulmate.
Uther Pendragon loathed magic and despised the thought of Soulmates to his very core. He ruled Camelot with a tight fist and an iron heart, and those suspicious harboring either were immediately killed. Hunith was quite aware of this when deciding to send Merlin to Camelot, but she hoped Gaius would better mentor Merlin through his magic than she. Or, at least, this was what she told her son.
Secretly, Hunith also hoped Merlin might find his Soulmate in Camelot, although his chances were slim and few and very unlikely.
Merlin didn't know why he couldn't see color. All his life his entire world was made up of gray, gray, and more gray. His mother taught him to hide this disability, she told him people wouldn't understand him (the same with his magic) and he was safer to conceal his color blindness. Merlin was quick to learn that others saw green grass, white clouds, a golden sun, and every other color he could only imagine. He was told his hair was black, his scarf was red and his boots were brown. He could pretend to fit in and try to understand, but as hard as he tried he couldn't truly understand color.
He asked his friend, once, when they were stargazing. He was young, and desperately wanted to be like everyone else — to know what color was like.
"What do you mean, you don't know what black is?" Will had exclaimed.
Merlin explained he'd never known color and he didn't know why. Will was fortunately understanding, just as he was with Merlin's magic, and patiently described the colors around them to the best of his ability.
"Black is... everything that everything is not. It is the shadows and the dark; the stillness of dying and the fear of living; the grief of loss and the pain of sorrow. Black is the shriek of a woman and the tears of a man, the twisting of the heart and the emptiness of the soul. Black can be seen, yes, but it can also be felt and heard just as deeply."
From then on it was a game between the two. Merlin would ask about a color and Will would comply with a descriptive answer.
"Yellow is the sun," he said one hot, summer day as the pair laid on a riverbank after a busy morning of swimming. "Yellow is the warmth shinning upon your back; fur beneath your fingers, the breeze upon your neck. It is happiness and joy. It is a childish laugh, a cry of triumph, and a shriek of excitement."
"And green?" Merlin inquired, running his hands through blades of gray. He craved for colors as a man did for wealth; his thirst unquenchable and undeniable. No amount of description could satisfy him unless he saw it for himself.
"Green is the growth of the world, the smell of pollen and of new life. Emerald is the hope and comfort; it is delicate and firm, breakable and strong. Green is envy, easily conjured. Emerald are rolling fields in the summer and budding beds in the spring."
But, as Merlin found, despite Will's explanations, he grew no closer to experiencing the colors as he aged. He found himself unhappy and unsatisfied, angry and depressed. So at his seventeenth summer he packed his bags and carefully placed his mother's note in his pocket. If all went well, if he lived to step foot in the city and was not immediately killed on the spot, Gaius would receive Hunith's letter and Merlin would have a new home.
The journey to Camelot was rough but uneventful. Merlin's fears of running into bandits were soothed when he walked through the city gates, replacing his worrying mind with death after witnessing Uther's execution. But entering the city and finding Gaius was the easy part. Merlin hadn't a faintest idea that this was only the beginning.
The next morn Merlin was just about to tell a prat off for bullying the poor servant, but his voice lodged in his throat when the prat glanced at him. It seemed as if time froze, as if the entire world stopped spinning, as if it was only the two boys and everything else seemed to dim and blur.
His eyes, the prat's, weren't gray like everyone else's, but instead something different — a color — a color that Merlin saw. He, Merlin of Ealdor, saw blue.
Merlin now knew what color was like.
Azure was the trickle of a stream and the chill of a waterfall. It was the vastness of the sky and the emptiness of a heart. Azure was the salt of the ocean and the bite of a storm, the singing of rainfall and the pounding of thunder. Azure was kind, was good, was strong, was fierce; it was brave, was courageous and it was loyal. Azure was the first color Merlin had ever seen, and it was mesmerizing.
After meeting Arthur (clotpole) Pendragon, Merlin saw colors everywhere. He didn't need Will to interpret anymore, he saw it all for himself.
He knew gold was the color of the scales of the Great Dragon below. Gold was the magic in Merlin's very veins, the power in his eyes. It was gilded chalices and hilts of swords, whispered wishes and forgotten dreams. Gold was the energy coursing through his body when he saved Arthur from the dagger.
Brown was his aching muscles after hours of being whacked by Arthur with every weapon imaginable in training. Mocha was hot chocolate and the pastries he stole from the kitchens. Brown was the dirt smeared on his hands from picking herbs for Gaius and the mud on his clothes from mucking out the stables.
Purple was the weariness that came at the end of a long day of Arthur's bidding and chores. Indigo was the lilacs Gwen wore in her hair, the silken skirts of Morgana's gowns, and the perfumes noble ladies wore upon their wrists and necks.
Silver was the slivers of emotion in Merlin's heart as he freed Freya, the silver lining that made him burst with happiness as they kissed. Silver was the silhouettes of foreign love; the threads in the dress Merlin snuck her. Metallic was the bitter taste in his mouth as he watched the boat burst into flames.
Red was sunsets hidden by woods while camping on quests and the leaping, licking flames of the bonfires. Burgundy was the laughter among Merlin, Arthur and Knights of the Round Table, the brotherhood they shared, the unspoken promise of sacrifice for if ever the need, the feeling of acceptance Merlin sought all his life. Crimson was the blood on the knight's swords as they drove their blades into their enemies; the beast inside Merlin's chest that roared whenever his kin or an innocent was slaughter by Uther's merciless hand.
White was the sparkling crystals of the cave, the promise of a terrifying tomorrow. White was the paralyzing fear in his bones as he watched the future play out. White was fate, white was destiny, white was in the diamonds in the hilt of Morgana's dagger — the ivory damnation of them all.
Amber was the feeling in the pit of his stomach as Uther laid motionless. It was hope, it was zeal; it was unspoken promises, unofficial beginnings, unanswered questions and guaranteed changes. Amber was the sun that next morning as it shone through the window, illuminating the still figure of the formal King of Camelot.
Pink was the blush upon Gwen's cheeks as Arthur crowned her Queen. Magenta was the radiant love flowing from the pair, the pretty jewel set in Gwen's wedding ring, the sweets at the feast in honor of the new royal couple. Pink was the heart's content and the people's joy.
Tan was the parchment where Arthur's kingly speeches were written. It was the birthplace of laws, decrees, spells and knowledge. Tan was strength, was sturdy, was steel. It was in meat and linen and stone, the muttering to oneself at night and rising in the morn.
Orange was the costumes the musicians wore as they danced around the Great Hall; in the songs of grand adventures and heroic deeds. Orange was foreign cloth and foods and languages one could only dream about. Orange was the cold, tangy fruit Arthur snuck him during hot days, the chilly juice Gwen ordered he drink whenever he looked flushed, and the cool clothes prepared after long counsil meetings.
Scarlet was the wine in goblets and the coals of fire, the eyes of beasts and the light of magic. Scarlet coated Merlin's hands as he washed load after load of royal shirts, the pity of an animal with an arrow through its heart. Scarlet was the desire to fall apart and weep when his destiny and his secrets became too much of a burden to carry — the wish to close his eyes and never awaken.
Teal was outsmarting Arthur in chess matches and winning his money at dice in the tavern. Teal was the new scarf Arthur gave him and the shirt he gave Arthur in return for a present. It was in the words the two sparred with on a daily basis and in the reflection of sun upon armor during combat training. Teal was when Arthur sought Merlin's council and offered his own when he thought Merlin needed advice.
Hazel was the resilience of Camelot against Morgana. Hazel was the days of uncertainty, the minds of the families of knights, the prayers of safe journeys whenever they marched off to battle. Hazel was the bandages to dress the wounded, the burial shrouds for the dead, the frantic calls for the missing and the never ending cups of ale Merlin downed in hopes of drowning out the cries.
Ebony was the ridiculous dress Merlin endured for Arthur's sake; the will of the woman as she ran herself through; the darkness casted upon Mordred's heart; the dark satisfaction in making Morgana's men choke on their own blood; and the unbearable hopelessness as his friend suffered from the mortal blow.
Arthur Pendragon made Merlin see and feel every color in existence — every color but gray. But Merlin soon found that while living in a world of colors, he could still see gray. Gray was the calm before the storm, the unknown future that would either bring victory or death. Gray was the murkiness of Merlin's decisions, the hollowness as he killed his foes, the thin line he walked all his life between good and evil, right and wrong, happy and sad.
The very last color Merlin ever saw was blue. Arthur's eyes were faint; dimming as his life left his body, but the color was just as invigorating as the first time Merlin saw. The blue orbs were so different from a countless of years and battles and enemies ago.
Azure was still bravery, and kindness, courageousness and love. But... navy was deeper, darker, and much more mature. Navy was regret, pain, despair, sadness, grieving, suffering, sacrifice and betrayal. Navy was burying a father and exiling a lover, loosing a sister and disposing an uncle. Trusting scores of people and killing even more, rising to a throne too young, too soon. Navy was cries in the night, tears of the wounded; the pain of others, belief lost and then found.
Above all, navy was the friendship between the King and the Warlock. Navy was the brotherhood between a royal and a servant. Navy was the connection between two men — once boys — as they confided in each other; over the years they fought, they lived, they laughed, they cried, and they sacrificed everything; one for his friend, the other for his kingdom.
Navy was the Bond between two Soulmates: it was unbreakable, inevitable, unstoppable and irrevocable.
The very first color Merlin ever saw was blue. But the moment Arthur Pendragon closed his eyes, Merlin saw color no more.