Cover art is not mine, here is where you can find it: . /pin/22236591898197059. Please leave it a like if you can.
Hey people. Obviously this is the first time I've ever attempted to write something so I hope people like it :)
It's based on the Gluttony IF and yes, the only reason I wrote this was for an excuse to give Subaru white hair.
P.S. Watch out for the font size, if it's too big the format can mess up
Changing the window size can also mess it up.
Also this mimics witch cult translation format so brackets are speech, double brackets are more like voices in their head.
Story branches off from the arc 6 chapter: Murder Becomes Habit.
.
Intimacy is just camouflage, hatred is the reality, and feelings like anger, sadness
and joy are temporary. Hostility and malice, aren't those their true feelings?.
.
Until now, is that not how they saw him? A fake, a fraud, a traitor, a doppelganger, a
pathetic man. He wants to trust them, but he can't trust that they trust him. 'God Damn it!
Why do I have to deal with this!' UGH!
.
He just wanted to know, that was simply the true extent of it. How they felt, what
they thought; Emilia's feelings, Beatrice's feelings, Julius' feelings, Echidna's feelings, Ram's
feelings. Even Rem's if he were able to.
.
Luckily…. he already knew Meili's feelings. Confusion, Fear, Anger: All wrapped up into
a neat little package with the intention to kill him. But at least he was able to comprehend
them. At least they were not beyond the scope of his imagination, locked behind a memory block.
.
Fuck!
.
Subaru: [...]
.
Beatrice: [Subaru, you look really terrible, in fact. If you are feeling uneasy here,
it'd be best if we were to go elsewhere for you to rest, I suppose.]
.
[Uneasy huh…] Subaru breathlessly says in response. Uneasy and unwell were two
different things, Subaru didn't know what to think. 'Why!' Gritting his teeth, Subaru retreats
into his shell whilst tucking in his chin. 'What do they want from me?'
.
'Leaning on me, relying on me... Pretending. I can't stand this shit; Natsuki Subaru… seriously!'
What good could I have possibly done, It's like he's a different person. No Natsuki Subaru I know
matches their descriptions in the slightest. Courageous? As if. Reliable? He knows fuck all!
If he's such a great guy how did he even get himself in this mess! The great Natsuki Subaru,
the hero Natsuki Subaru, what could I possibly!- hm?'
.
He felt a soft touch. Beatrice's hand was perched on his shoulder, transmitting a deep feeling
of affection and fondness as it lay there; And Subaru could certainly feel it.
.
'Beatrice–—,'
.
–—―–This girl…
...small. Truly, Beatrice was just a small child. Her dainty frame that supported her
teensy arms. Those teensy arms that were underpinned by the brittlest of bones. Like icicles,
Subaru was confident he could snap them in half with a satisfying crack. If he put even a little
bit of strength behind a hug it seemed like her fragile body would break, If these thoughts
turned into actions, he should easily be able to kill her.
.
[[It seems like it, doesn't i~t?]]
.
What would happen if he took her hand, grabbed her head and smashed it on the floor with
all his strength. Would that be enough? 'I just need a peep, could I be allowed just that.
And if I were to do just that...
.
–—―–—Would I get her book of the dead?'
.
[[May~be….]] A glossy voice bored its way into his skull [[You know Onii-san~ you're
a veeerrry warped person… I~ don't know how to describe it~..]]
.
'I am, right?'
Yes. He is.
.
Subaru's grip fastened around her delicate outstretched hand.. Slowly… and slowly….
gripping harder and harder….
.
[Subaru?] Beatrice called out, staring quizzically towards him. Those grasping fingers
that held her were unfamiliar to her, and it made her hand quiver.
.
[Yes?] Subaru notices this and loosens his grip, returning her gaze with his own
cold glare?
.
Beatrice: [-hk….] she gasped, the hairs on her neck prickling that cold and shivering
feeling when receiving his stare. [Y-you must be feeling really uneasy, I suppose] Is all she
could respond with when glancing him over.
.
He was. Truthfully, until now he felt like there was no way out. He was no Natsuki Subaru,
so what could he do? But now he knew what he had to do, –—he had found salvation.
.
[Ah-] Beatrice exhaled [It looks like you've been scratching you arm again, a bad habit,
I suppose]
.
Subaru: [...]
.
Tracing his scars, Beatrice heartbreakingly retracted her gaze
.
Beatrice: [This isn't good in fact, It's getting worse Subaru. If Emilia notices these I, –―I
don't think I'd be able to hide it, in fact.]
.
What does she know? Nothing. His scars weren't some cheap trick he employs to seek attention.
That's Meili's handiwork, her last struggle as she was choked to death. Subaru
found it charming as it was a testament to her will, which is why he found just as infuriating that
the graffiti of Natsuki Subaru had been inconsiderately imposed on it. 'Natsuki Subaru was here'
Truly they were the words of someone even more despicable than himself. He was going to prove
to them that their Natsuki Subaru was simply a cold-blooded killer who saw none of them beyond
face value and never will.
.
Beatrice: [Help Betty please, It hurts to look at, In fact. Betty c-... cares for you, I suppose.]
.
Why do you Beatrice, I need to know why. Why would you. Why do you still.
.
Subaru glowered at her in return [Why?] he probed, trying hard to control his cutting tone
.
[-Hk… Subaru…] Stifled sobs can only escape Beatrice's parted lips. They had no power behind
them. The image of that person's eyes plagued her mind, not that person: It was someone else,
someone she thought she knew but did not. 'Why, in fact' was all she could think
.
'I don't believe it'. It was all that was blaring in Subaru's thoughts. 'Care for me? Or for
Natsuki Subaru? This blind affection only suited the hero. The hero is not me, it is someone else.'
.
Looking down with her fist tightly clenched she voiced her reply: [Betty's Subaru… while he may
be weak and dense beyond compare…]
.
'Damn right he is. But what's the catch Beatrice, does he give you sweets? Does he give headpats?
Does he give you attention? Does he serve you? Does he–'
.
[Subaru is the sweetest boy I've met in the past 400 years….]
.
–—―–
–—―–—―–—―
–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―[What else?]
.
[Hah!?] Beatrice stuttered in response, looking up at that someone.
.
Subaru: [What else do you like about me?]
.
Beatrice's face burnt red in embarrassment. 'What is he saying I suppose! What am I saying in fact!
Betty goes out of her way to console her weak contractor and he has the nerve to ask me to further
shame myself hmph!'
.
She felt he needed to know though, and if he REALLY needed to know then she would happily shout
it out to the world. 'Deary me Subaru. I'm gonna need a lot of head pats in return for this, in fact!'
.
Choking down her pride, she held Subaru's hand and carefully continued. [Subaru may not
remember when you took me out of the library but, you were really lame in fact.]
.
[Really?] Subaru replied.
.
'I could've guessed he was, so what is it that's different about him? What makes him special that
me the ordinary Subaru will never obtain.'
.
[Yes! I- uhhh suppose. VERY lame in fact. But still, Betty's Subaru begged her to leave and said
he couldn't live without her, because he was weak. It was really pitiful! But I- I
was happy someone needed me.]
.
'Oh so he played the weak hero, nicely done Subaru you played her like a fiddle'
.
[Do you still like me] Subaru inquired, his gaze dropping down.
.
Gripping the hem of her puffy dress, Beatrice, at the expense of her own sanity, continued
[Yes, in fact. Betty. Betty still loves you...] –—―Dreading his guaranteed teasing response,
Beatrice reluctantly looked up to gauge his reaction.
.
'...'
.
Subaru: [I see.]
.
It was different from what she expected, It wasn't bad though. 'His eyes look better than
before at least.' Beatrice consoled herself with this one thing she could take solace in.
.
Subaru clutched her soft head in his own hands [I'm sorry, Beatrice.] SMASH. Her small,
delicate skull was struck against the sharp corner of a sandstone slab, roaring a dull thud.
.
-He needed her book-
.
There was no denying it now, he needed to know. SMASH. he wanted to know. SMASH.
To know her feelings, her pain. He needs the insight to see what it is that makes
Beatrice, only then could he sift the truth from the mountain of lies he's surrounded in.
[[You~ should kill her~]] As… regrettable as that may be. SMASH.
.
Truly it was odd. She still loves him? But he is not him.
.
Beatrice's cranium had cracked like an egg. Shocked, she looked at Subaru, but that
caring smile on her face never shifted, her expression never deteriorated. She was crying,
but crying tears of joy. [Why are you smiling Beatrice...] Subaru's ire could only rebound
back on himself [Why!] He asked. The skull beneath Beatrice's head began to creak
and fragment into warm motes of light encompassing them both. Subaru couldn't bear
the sight and could only repeat the same phrase [I'm sorry, Beatrice.]. She looked like
fine china that had been tossed onto the floor, truly not what he was expecting, Subaru
expected blood.
.
'Subaru..' Betty thought
.
Her butterfly eyes had gradually softened once the deep-set cracks had begun to dislodge
them. One of her eyeballs popped out of her skull as it was once again struck onto the
floor, turning into shimmering dust soon after; Brighter and brighter the room lit up by
the radiant blue tendrils leaving her body. The glow dust had settled in the air before the
hollow wind carried her off to a better place.
.
Slowly, Subaru relinquished his grip and looked on in mourning, as Beatrice had evaporated.
.
Meili: [[It haaaad to be done~ Onii-~San~.]]
.
Subaru: [Yeah, it did... didn't it?]
.
Meili: [[Definitely~.]]
.
Subaru simply shifted his gaze towards the Taygeta library, wiped away whatever was
stinging his eyes and marched on.
.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
.
GHhhhhhkkkk! Subaru gasped as he ripped his head away from her book.
.
Beatrice: [[Thank you Subaru, for granting my dearest wish in fact]]
.
It didn't take long for the voices to hound him once more
.
Subaru: [Shut up]
.
Beatrice: [[Thank you, in fact]]
.
Subaru: [You're. You're not her. That cute, lonely girl is dead.]
.
Meili: [[Possibly~~~.]]
.
His back ached: Sitting around in an empty space for 400 years will do that to you.
His heart clenched: Sitting around in an empty space for 400 years will do that to you.
His hopes died out: Sitting around in an empty space for 400 years will do that to you.
.
Sitting and waiting, waiting and sitting. Rejecting and being rejected over and over.
Why, why, why, why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhy.
Beatrice, were you always so sad.
.
Beatrice: [[Not with you]]
.
Beatrice, did you always want to die
.
Beatrice: [[I did, in fact.]]
.
Even after I took you out of the library?
.
Beatrice: [[I did… I suppose.]]
.
Why let me kill you…. I'm not… that person, I'm not Natsuki Subaru.
.
Beatrice: [[Subaru is Betty's Subaru… I know that for a fact, in fact.]]
.
Subaru's shoulders began to tremble as he sat there in silence for a long time.
.
[Mother...]
.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
.
Emilia: [Subaruuuuuuuu.]
–—―–—―–
Emilia: [SUUUUUUbaruuuuuuuuuuuuu!]
–—―–—―–—―–—―–—
Emilia's voice soon became hoarse, she once again faced the ceiling and called
out his name
–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—But the silence continued.
.
[What is it Emilia-sama?] Ram asked with her brows furrowed. She held an
air of indifference as she turned past the corner of the hallway.
.
Emilia: [Oh, hello Ram. Have you seen Subaru?]
.
[Barusu eh… I'm afraid not Emilia-sama.] She said in response, sparking a
critical glint in her eye. [Why would you be looking for him.] Ram curtly asked.
.
Emilia downcast her eyes at her tone [Oh- I was just worried for him, I haven't
seen him in a while.]
–—
–—―––—―––—―–
Emilia: [You know… since Meili was killed, I've been looking and looking
but it's really starting to worry me now.]
.
Ram sighed at that. 'They say love is blind' Tch. Her face scrunched up [I have some
questions to ask him myself Emilia-sama and so If you happen to find him, please let me
know.]
.
[Ah- sure! I promise!] Emilia squeaked out. '-What's up with Ram?', she thought.
.
She shook the thought off and pinched her cheeks [Rightio!] Emilia continued her search
while hyping herself up. Her hair swaying side to side with each step that she took.
.
Ram: [...]
.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
.
[Hello, Miss Ram] Julius waved
.
Ram: [Hmph!]
.
-ack! Julius once again failed in greeting her as she walked into the dining room.
'What a failure of a knight I am. Truly a pathetic display.' He cast his eyes to the table, keeping
them there.
.
[Uuuuu, come on Ram that wasn't very friendly.] Echidna chided
.
Ram: [Hmph!]
.
Echidna: [What's wrooooong?]
.
Ram: [It's not me that's the problem, everyone else has just gone crazy.]
.
Echidna: [Hmm?]
.
Ram: [Echidna. How likely is it that Subaru lied about the contents of Meili's book.]
.
Julius: [Subaru did?]
.
Echidna: [Aaah so that's what you're worried about.]
.
Ram: [It is.]
.
'Eeeh?' Julius was having a hard time keeping up with this conversation, he looked
up at the two but they certainly weren't joking if their faces were anything to go by.
'Since when did Subaru do something to earn such distaste.' Granted, Julius was still
vexed with him for lying about Echidna, and what's more is that Subaru forgets he did it the
day later, It truly infuriated Julius to no end but he wouldn't accuse him of murder.
.
Echidna: [I'm not sure. Subaru has been acting strange though lately]
–—―–
–—―–—―–—
Echidna: [He says he has amnesia, but seems to know an awful lot. I don't know it's
hard to judge]
.
Ram: [But is it likely?]
.
Echidna: [In my opinion, very.]
.
Ram: [I see.]
.
'Baru-... Subaru Natsuki. Where have you gone.' Frowning, Ram mulled over this.
.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
.
[Suubaru]
.
–—―–—―[Suuuuuba Ruuuuuuuuuuu]
.
–—―–—―–—―–—―[Subaruuuuu!]
.
–—―–—―[Subaru?]
.
[Subaruuu?]
.
Again and again she tried, door to door.
.
Emilia: [Jeez... I must have charted the entire tower by now…]
.
'Again and again and again. Just where could he be' Emilia thought.
Uuuuuuuuuu. [Come out quick Subaru, my stomachs getting all rumbly]
she confessed, inspecting the area if anyone heard her...
.
Always a man of good-timing. But that only extended to the urgent matters. Emilia
always wondered why and how he did things, how he thought about things. He was
willing to risk himself around every corner, he did it again just a few hours ago!
Reading the book of the dead, taking in the life of someone else and imposing it on yourself.
Surely there is some drawback. Surely there is some super identity crisis and yet why?
.
'How could he just volunteer to read Meili's book like it was nothing?' She thought.
.
'How could Echidna even suggest for him to read it again!?' She thought.
.
How could he.
.
...Hmm? Emilia's eyes were drawn to the staircase leading up to the third floor Taygeta.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm 'Maybe?'.
.
'Should I bring Beatrice? I'm certain my knight would like to see her.' Resting her hand
across her chin in thought. 'Although…, I haven't seen Beatrice either since this morning.
Is Subaru with her?' Hmph growing slightly jealous Emilia only became more downcast
when imagining Subaru spoiling Beatrice with all his attention, it's not like she wanted to
monopolise him or anything okay but still… [Grrrr] Emilia grumbled and slapped herself
across the face.
.
Once out of her stupor she began to bound up the stairs at a rapid pace, hoping to catch them
in their alone time. 'It's not because I'm envious or anything, It's simply my duty to monitor
my knight!' hmph!. Well this is what she convinced herself of anyway.
[hmm~ hmm~ hmm~] she hummed in rhythm with each of her strides~~~
.
[Subaruuuu]. Emilia had reached the end of the staircase and swung open the door in her
usual brutish manner.
.
He best be in here, I daren't try the 2nd floor. Phew Emilia shivered at the thought of Reid;
'fiercely frizzlin', what did that even mean!?'
.
She began to step forward past the door, where she spied books strewn about the place
in a frantic manner, [Hellooooooo, anyone here?].
.
[...]
.
'Hmmmmmmm, my knight best not be playing that gaaayme 'hyde and sikh'. How does
he expect people to find him in the tower if they couldn't find him back in the manor?'
Of course he and Beatrice boldly declare that they're simply the masters at 'hiide and seak',
but it was cleeeaaarly blind luck that Emilia was caught by them in the first 2 minutes.
.
Emilia began tracing the left wall, the library was just too vast. Walls of bookshelves
surrounded her giving off an oppressive feeling as if they threatened to fall on her. They
dangerously swayed in her mind
.
Quickening her pace, Emilia dropped her thoughts and pouted.
.
Where is he?
.
[Hah! Found you–—Eh?] Scanning the floor, a trail of books grew closer where Emilia's
eyes met her target, but her eyelids seemed to flutter as they performed a double-take.
She clenched her fists and sprinted towards Subaru with urgency. Upon closer inspection
she reaffirmed her initial confusion.
.
[Subaru?] She asked. [Is that you?] She asked again. Her pleasantly cooling fingertips
ran across the boy's face and cupped his cheeks, upturning his head to give her a better
look. Emilia's fingers twitched upon grazing his face initially, as his cheeks were utterly
damp with tears that had run, dried and weathered. [...Subaru…] once again Emilia
whispered his name, Hoping the boy in front of her would clutch onto her words, hoping
he would respond back in his usual Subaru way.
–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–No response came. Let alone responding like Subaru, she
was not entirely certain whether this wrung out, deflated boy was Subaru.
.
Until she looked at his face.
.
[Subaru!] Emilia gasped, her thin brows rising and her lips parting. 'What?'
.
[What happened to your hair?].
.
Dropping down into her usual 'lap pillow' she placed Subaru's head down softly
and proceeded.
.
Gliding her delicate fingertips across his scalp, She gripped her long sleeves around
her wrist and began to wipe his damp face dry with the soft linen fabric. [This is between us
my knight] Emilia tactfully informed him. [I know you wouldn't want Julius to tease you for this].
'What am I even worrying about, Subaru will find a way for Julius to tease him anyway'
her reflective eyes loosened upon seeing his sleeping face 'At least he's not awake to hear
my mumbo jumbo'. Casting her eyes down, she hummed the same tune he taught her on the
Manor's piano.
.
Huh?
.
Emilia's ears perked up as she inspected what lay clutched in his slim hands
.
He was holding a book in a warm hug, crossing his arms over his shoulders like a corpse in a casket.
He looked dead but Emilia felt that he gave off warmth.
.
Slowly she reached out for those hands of his and gently began prying his fingers open with utmost care.
'Who's book were you reading Subaru?' Squinting her eyes she
inquisitively scanned the book's bindings.
.
[Beatrice.] Emilia read out loud.
.
–—―
–—―–—―–—
–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―–—―'What?', she looked again 'What, no that can't be right.' She
pressed tightly against her pulsing forehead. Emilia snapped her neck around the
immediate area [Beatrice?] 'where was she again?' [Beatrice!] she called [BEATRICE!] she hollered.
.
Laying down his head softly she picked herself up off the ground and darted off to go look for her.
She didn't turn back–—―– Cause she knew.
.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
.
Subaru lay there still. Dreaming:
.
Beatrice: [[Subaru]]
.
Subaru: [[Yes?]]
.
Meili: [[O~nii-san~]]
.
Subaru: [[Not you too]]
.
Swirling thoughts. Rising thoughts. Dark thoughts.
.
Subaru: [[Ahk– please. There's just too much noise.]]
.
Many thoughts. Many many thoughts. Patching together.
.
Beginning to form its shape.