Derek was close to dying. If it hadn't been for a quick-thinking intern pushing for a head CT he would have died. But Derek was lucky. Things had been pretty touch and go for the first couple of days. But then he'd woken up and started improving. Him surviving was lucky but him not having any long-term neuro deficits was even luckier. Meredith had insisted on him getting transferred to Grey Sloan as soon as he was stable enough. Because this hospital nearly had nearly killed him because he almost didn't get a CT.
Derek's been at Grey Sloan for a few days now and things are going well. He's a lot better and he's himself again and Amelia has never been more relieved in her life. She doesn't know what she would have done if her brother had died. It's been ten days since the accident and Amelia's finally able to relax and believe that he'll be okay. He'd woken up the day after the accident but he hadn't spoken and they weren't sure if there weren't permanent deficits. Then on the third day, he had spoken to Meredith. That's when things had started really getting better. When they knew that Derek's brain was okay and that the Derek they knew and loved was still alive.
Amelia's been with Derek as much as she can since the accident. She and Meredith never really left the first couple of days when they didn't know if he'd survive. Even now ten days later neither of them wants to be gone too long. Derek tells them that he's fine. For the last few day's he's been saying that they can go back to surgery. That he'll be fine if they're not at his side twenty-four seven. Amelia had only gone back to operating just today though. Meredith still hasn't gone back yet.
Amelia had a good day today. She had a successful tumor resection and she'd clipped two aneurysms. Nobody died today. She isn't sure she would have been able to handle people dying today. Not from neurosurgical complications. Her brain's already filled with too many what if's about Derek and she doesn't need more of them. She doesn't need to stress over anything else that didn't happen.
She goes to Derek's room as soon as she's done for the day. Derek looks happy to see her, "So...did you enjoy working more than sitting in my boring hospital room all day?"
Amelia sits down in the chair next to his bed, "I had a good day...I did three surgeries...I clipped two aneurysms and I took out this...huge tumor."
"You told me about that...a meningioma right?"
"Yeah...it had a diameter of a little more than two inches...and the patient had no idea he had it...imagine finding out you've probably had a tumor for years and you had no idea."
"I imagine that would be a really unpleasant surprise."
"Yeah...the patient was dealing with it pretty well though..and she woke up only an hour after surgery."
"I miss operating...I can't wait to get to the OR."
"You'll get back soon enough...just focus on getting better."
"Amelia...I'm focused on getting better."
"I know," Amelia's noticed Meredith isn't here and she's a little surprised, "Where's Meredith?"
"I told her to take the kids home...and to get some rest...she needs it."
"I'm surprised she left."
"I know…it was what was best for the kids though."
Amelia's been spending time with kids. Zola and Bailey are pretty upset and confused by this whole thing and also definitely spending a little too much time in the hospital daycare. Amelia's been taking them to get treats in the cafeteria and taking them for walks to places close to the hospital and it's seemed to make them feel a little better, "Zola's been asking me a lot of questions about what happened to you."
"She's smart...she likes to understand things...it helps her feel better."
"She's really smart...she'll be a great doctor someday."
"Of course she will...how's Bailey been doing while he's with you?"
"He's...okay I think...he doesn't really understand what's going on...he knows you got hurt though...and that something isn't right...but he's little...and I can distract him with like...pudding cups or a trip to the bookstore...and he'll stop thinking about it."
"They've been telling me about the things you've been doing with them...thank you for that by the way...it really helps them."
"No problem...I love being with your kids...it's the least I can do to help."
"You'd make a great mom."
It's just a well-meaning comment. It's a sweet comment from her brother that was meant to make her feel like she's doing a good job looking after the kids. But it hurts. It hurts because Amelia already is a mom. She doesn't really feel like a real mom though. She never got to be a parent. Christopher had only lived for 43 minutes. She was still his mom though, and she always will be.
Derek seems to notice her getting lost in her thoughts, "Amy?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
She wants to tell him about Christopher. She's been thinking about how if he had died she'd never have gotten the chance to tell. Now she has a chance and she wants to take it before she chickens out, "Derek."
"What?"
"I had a baby."
Derek looks confused, "What do you mean?"
"I had a baby...while I was living in LA...I...had a baby boy."
Derek doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how Amelia could have had a baby without him knowing at all. He doesn't know what could have happened to her baby, "Amelia...what happened to him?"
Amelia is crying now, "He...had anencephaly…and when he was born...I held him...and...Derek...he was beautiful...he was the most beautiful baby...and then...it...it was time for him to go...and...he donated his organs...and...that was it….he lived…for… forty-three minutes...and he did more in that forty-three minutes then a lot of people do in a lifetime...he saved a lot of other babies...and losing him...I don't know how I survived it."
Derek is again at a loss for words. How can he know the right thing to say. What do you say to someone who had something so horribly sad happen? What do you say when it's your sister? Is there a right thing to say? "Amelia."
Amelia wipes her eyes, "I know...you don't know what to say...It's hard...to talk about."
Derek's got tears in his eyes now too "Did...he have a name...do you want to tell me his name?"
She's never told anyone his name. She hasn't really told many people about him in the first place. But even the people she's told don't know his name. No one ever asked either, "Christopher...my son's name was Christopher."
"Why didn't you tell me about him, Amy?"
"It was just...too painful I guess...and now you almost died...and if you had...you never would have known...and I want you to know about him."
"I'm...glad you told me...I know these things...people don't talk about them...but you're allowed to talk about Christopher."
"You said I'd be a good mom...but...I'm already a mom...but I don't feel like a real mom...I had a baby...but he didn't even live an hour...I didn't get to be a parent."
"You're a mom Amelia...you had a son...that makes you a mom...you're still Christopher's mom...even if he isn't here anymore."
Derek's right. It might be hard for Amelia to feel like a mom but she still is one. Even if Christopher is gone, "I miss him...I know I didn't get a chance to really know him...but...I miss him so much."
"Of course you do...he was your baby...and you love him...of course you miss him."
"I wish I could show you what he looked like...I don't have any pictures though...I don't have anything of his...there's nothing physical that shows he was here...that he was a person that lived."
"I wish you had something physical...that you could show me...but you can tell me as much as you want."
"I want to tell you what he looked like."
"Then tell me...I'm listening."
"He was small...and he didn't look like a normal baby...but he was still...so...beautiful and perfect...he had his eyes shut when he was born...he never opened his eyes...so I don't know what color they were...he looked like he was asleep...he didn't cry either...babies with anencephaly...they don't cry...they make this little...squeaky noise...and...he made that little noise...I can still remember it."
"It sounds like he looked...very at peace."
"I think...that's a good word for him...I don't...I hope he didn't feel any pain...I hope he felt loved."
"I'm sure he did...you were his mother...I'm sure he felt how much you love him."
"I love him so much...and it hurts...and I think it'll always hurt that he's gone."
"You lost a baby Amelia...of course it hurts."
"I call him my unicorn baby...because...he saved a lot of other babies...because of him...other moms won't have to feel what I did...I might have...been able to spend more time with him...if I had just held him but...I think that donating his organs was right...it was the right choice...even if I got less time with him...it was the right thing."
"Amelia...get in the bed...I want to hug you."
Amelia would like nothing more than a hug. She doesn't want to hurt her brother though, "I don't...want to hurt you."
"You won't hurt me...come here."
Amelia carefully gets into the bed next to him, "Thank you."
Derek hugs her, "Thank you...for telling me about Christopher."
Amelia rests her head on Derek's shoulder, "I've never talked about this much before...and it was hard...but it was also...good...it feels good to remember he exists."
"I never met him...but I feel like I know him...because of everything you told me."
"If you had died...you never would have known...I wish I had told you sooner...because if I didn't...you could have died not knowing."
"Amelia...it's okay...you weren't ready...and I didn't die not knowing...I'm okay...and I know."
"I didn't feel ready...I thought I never would...I don't know if I'm ready to tell anyone who I haven't already told."
Derek wipes the tears off her cheeks, "And...that's okay… it's up to you..who you share Christopher's story with."
"You know...I've never gotten to say his name before...you're the first person I've told his name...you're the only other person who knows."
"Well...it's a lovely name."
Amelia sniffles, "Are you just saying that because it's your middle name?"
Derek laughs a little, "No...it really is a good name...but I might be a little biased towards it."
Amelia stays quiet for a moment. She's just thinking about how Derek was so close to dying without ever knowing she had a son. She doesn't want to imagine how losing Derek would have broken her. She thinks it's the only thing that could come close to what losing Christopher did to her, "I'm really glad you're okay...I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if you died."
"Amy, don't think about it too much...I'm not dead...so there's no need to think about me being dead."
There is no need to think about it. Derek is right. Because Derek is alive and Derek is okay, "I'll try not to think about it...because...you're not dead."
"And I'm not planning on dying anytime soon."
"You better not...I need you around."
"Don't worry Amy...I think I'll be sticking around for a long time."
Amelia feels tired and emotionally drained. Talking about Christopher took a lot out of her. At least Derek knows now though. At least Derek is still alive and won't be dying anytime soon, "Good."
"You look tired...you should go and get some rest."
"I will...but I just don't want to leave yet."
Derek puts his arm around her, "I understand...want to watch the terrible hospital cable?"
"I would like that."
Derek finds a terrible medical drama that's focused on a neurosurgeon called "It's not rocket science but it is brain surgery". The show isn't any good but it's entertaining to make fun of how horribly inaccurate the medicine is. Amelia is able to really laugh for the first time since Derek's accident. Because Derek is okay. Everything will be okay.