"Liv. Hi. What are you doing here?" He eased his stride as he approached her standing in the lobby. He moved with reluctance as not to come on too strong even though all he wanted was to hold her. After all, it was only this morning when she told him I can't. She can't. She can't go back to before. If only she knew, the terrace overlooking the palazzo, her reminder of his "new life," was chillingly empty without her. He would stand there, squinting straight ahead as he leaned against the railing. Pretending she had followed him out there, in sync, as usual. Liv, it's beautiful here, he'd whisper to himself — absorbed in the moment until the neighbor's cat thumped its tail against the windowsill. Snapping out of his fantasy, he'd turn around, observing his own shadow. No sign of her. Kathy was at her afternoon lunch with friends, Eli at school. He'd never felt so alone.
"I read your letter and I thought we'd talk about it," she announced firmly. She stood still, briefly scanning his face for any hint of a reaction before glancing out the building's glass doors at the people strolling by. He took a deep breath and responded with a quick nod. He held back a grin of relief that lurked after the confirmation that she didn't throw away the letter. She still cared about what he had to say.
He paused. Formulating a response felt unnatural for the first time, especially to her. "Thanks," he smiled, eyes lost in hers before scrambling for his next words. She was still so beautiful but he noted signs of aging in her weary expression. He couldn't tell if she was tired of him or tired in general. He couldn't help but think about every experience she's been through without him by her side these past 10 years — a thought that tightened his chest. "Let's go up." He gestured for her to approach the elevator ahead of him. "Eli's staying with Kathleen until things settle down," he reassured. She moved swiftly, avoiding eye contact as she passed him.
They reached his place in silence and she sat at the edge of the couch, her coat still on. "Drinks?" he offered in a light tone, approaching the kitchen to give her space to get comfortable.
"No, thanks." She still couldn't look at him. It was odd, given how much his face haunted her over the years. After years of being around him for more hours in the day than she was alone, she'd see his face where it wasn't. Photos were too painful, but he was everywhere.
She had held it together for months after her initial breakdown when Cragen told her that Elliot had left. Instead, she engrossed herself in her work, becoming the last person to leave every night. It wasn't until she started forgetting his features that she pulled over on her 4 am drive home, shaking and sobbing into the cold leather of her steering wheel. The strong, characteristic outlines that she could once imagine so vividly next to her were now blurring into a ghost of her ex-partner. She felt sick. Abandoned. Unwanted. Over the years, she grew desperate to envision any bits and pieces left of his fading face until it eviscerated into nothingness. Seeing him near the ambulance just days earlier had left her in a frozen daze, thinking she had just imagined him again.
Elliot let out a silent sigh of defeat, approaching the couch with a glass of water filled to the brim. He placed it near her side of the table before seating himself on the opposite end. He parted his lips to speak first. "I don't know where to beg—" he started, prompting her interruption.
"I do." She held back the shakiness threatening her voice and narrowed her eyes to concentrate. This time, she tried to stare right at him. "I do," she repeated. "That kiss we shared before you left. I deserved — I. It wasn't fair. You just..." She stopped, re-orienting herself. She considered reaching for the water but didn't want to take anything from him. He didn't deserve the satisfaction. He remained silent, ready to give her all of the time in the world. She had rehearsed this on her way here, but upon meeting his familiar gaze, forgot every eloquent word that she'd planned. "You don't get to come back after 10...years. You don't get to just walk back in. You chose to leave. You chose to walk out. Pinning it on Kathy?" She felt herself begin to cry as she let out a scoff to cover up the flurry of emotion that overwhelmed her. Elliot took the opportunity to cut in at her pause.
"Liv," he felt the tightness seeping from his chest into every muscle in his body as she refused to look at him again. "I could've lost my family. I know that kiss was...well, it happened. We were alone, we were hurting, and I...I had to tell her," Olivia sat up straighter. He backtracked, sensing offense, and attempted to clarify. The last thing he wanted was to add to the pain he already caused. "I know, it's not your fault, I just...it was my family. I had to try and keep it together. For her, for the kids. And this was the only way I knew how. She knew how I felt about you. And I don't blame her. But yes, Italy was my idea. It was the only way to be far enough that I wouldn't be..." He let his words dwindle, knowing he didn't have to finish his sentence for her to know.
"I had no one," she clenched her jaw before taking a deep breath, wanting to do this right. She wasn't going to get hurt again. "When you kissed me that night, it wasn't a line we could step back from, but it also wasn't something you just got to...run away from."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, reaching for her hand. She pulled away, continuing.
"You ran away. You could've told me. You could've prevented a decade of questioning myself. Confusing myself. Hating myself." He winced at her words and she dulled her tone, growing increasingly numb to his reactions. She shook her head in disappointment. "And you just planned to explain that to me, in writing, after an awards ceremony? Then what, leave again? Fly across the world for another decade before you decided I was worth your breath again?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry...I'm sorry," he repeated, hoping that at least one of his apologies would stick and bring her the peace she deserved as he reached for her hand again. The warmth of his skin felt impossible for her to break away from a second time, so she left her fingers in limp defiance as he wrapped his around them softly. "I haven't stopped thinking about you for a single day since I left. Imagining you with me. At work, at dinners. I had nightmares for years of you hurt, dying with me so far away. I'd wake up sweating, looking around. Being awake was even worse than each nightmare because I didn't even know how you were." Instinctively, his fingers tightened around hers but he loosened his grip again, worried he'd make her uncomfortable. After all, it seemed she hated him. "I made a mistake," tears blurred his eyes. "I thought it would make it all better...I was afraid, Liv."
Olivia sat still, Elliot's fingers now gently caressing the side of her hand. She didn't know what to say. It's not like she could blame him, she thought. After all, it was his family. He pulled himself closer, continuing. "I don't…" He glanced at the full glass of water, reflecting the dim living room light as he searched for what to say. "I don't blame you if you hate me or if you never want to see me again. I don't deserve for you to ever see me again. But I spent the last 10 years replaying what might've been, what should've been. And I deserved that pain after my decision, but you didn't." Her gaze met his, now listening intently. "I loved — love you, Liv. I've been in love with you. I was long before I kissed you, and long after. I had to live with my choices, but I couldn't live without explaining them to you. It wasn't a one time mistake for me. I knew, once I crossed that line, I could never go back to my life without being with you." He looked down, ashamed. "So I ran."
She remained silent, still listening to his answers to the questions that kept her up night after night. He took the quiet as an invitation to move even closer. He thought about how badly he had missed her as he could hear her breath after closing much of the distance between them. "It was always you. I messed up." She still didn't speak. She just pressed her fingers into his, gripping his hand back as he continued to stroke her fingers. After everything that happened, she still couldn't stand to see him hurting. It was one thing reading his letter, but another hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his touch. This wasn't just some heartfelt sentences on the page, this was him, in front of her at last.
He smiled weakly at the affirmation in her touch. "Oh Liv," he reached up to wipe a stray tear that had traveled down. He hesitated right before his fingers reached her skin in case she wanted to pull away before finally swiping her cheek with his thumb. He kept his hand there, now cradling her face with it. "You mean the world to me," he whispered. With her eyes, she traced one feature on his face at a time before returning to the familiar blue she had found so much comfort in. By now, they were both done speaking. His soothing touch made every moment from the time they spent together come flooding back. Every interrogation, every gunshot, every late night conversation, every touch, every hug, and of course, the kiss. Their lips were now grazing one another's as these memories flashed through their heads, Olivia's free hand now gliding up his neck until her fingertips ran through the base of his hair. Her other hand remained interlaced with his fingers for another moment before he moved it to her waist, softly pulling her closer into his body.
Unlike their passionate exchange a decade ago in Elliot's car, this was slow and it was sorry. She let out a slight moan as years of longing and tension melted in the heat of their lips colliding, his stubble grazing delicately against her soft skin. As angry as she just had been, she couldn't help but yield deeper into their exchange. A sense of urgency overcame him as he could taste her once again; his senses heightened so he could inhale every moment of it. He was the only man it ever felt so right with. She leaned into him as the weight of her body nudged him back, eventually releasing herself from his mouth to feel immersed in his strong, warm frame. Neither of them felt tense for the first time since he left. He wrapped his arms around her as they fell gently into the couch, her face buried into his chest and his arms clasped around her waist until morning.