My heart I surrender
Every day is the same…
Natsuki tells herself as she looks through the window with her head resting over the palm of her hand, a heavy and bored sigh escaping her lips.
She observes attentively the cafeteria across the street of the shop she works for, her gaze following closely Yuuko's arrival to said cafeteria without losing any single detail of each one of her movements.
The delicacy and slowness with which she slowly opens the cafeteria's door as if it was too heavy for her, to right after entering the establishment with a smile on her face, greeting the waitress politely before, probably, asking for her favorite type of coffee: a vanilla soy latte. Then going towards to her favorite spot in the cafeteria: a table next to the window of the cafeteria, away from everybody.
And Natsuki, knowing Yuuko a little like she does, is pretty sure she likes and chooses that particular spot because that way she can admire calmly the sky and its colors while she sips of her coffee and reads a book, waiting patiently for her companion to arrive.
Natsuki chuckles internally at it, thinking how, even though the same scene repeats itself every day since a couple of months ago, Yuuko has never realized that barely few meters across from her, her old bandmate and friend, even though she'd probably deny they're friends, is working in a shop, observing her attentively while seeing in a devastating way how Yuuko's heart slowly breaks without her even realizing of it.
She sighs heavier this time, thinking at how Yuuko will never see her as she only has eyes for one person: her beloved Kaori-senpai, even if Kaori never takes a glance at her.
Then she shakes her head, sighing for the umpteenth time.
Day after day, they arrive to the cafeteria together and sit one across the other to chat animatedly, although Natsuki is pretty sure Yuuko is so dazed by Kaori's sweet smile, her melodious and kind voice and gentle touch that she probably doesn't even pay attention to the actual conversation.
And then a realization hits her. She never saw Yuuko's eyes sparkle as brightly as they do whenever she smiles at something Kaori says or heard such wholehearted laugh as when she's with her, and even though Natsuki is happy for her and to be able to witness such sight, it still hurts her to realize how she'll never be the one Yuuko smiles or laughs at like that.
But as days pass by, that beaming look upon Yuuko's face slowly grows sadder and the presence of Kaori in their meetings also slowly shortens until she stops coming to the cafeteria with Yuuko.
Ever since then, all Natsuki witnesses is the sad and heartbreaking look on Yuuko's face as she takes sips of her coffee, sometimes drinking more than one coffee, while the hands of her clock move, watching the time pass as she waits patiently for somebody that won't come, and Natsuki hates it.
She hates seeing Yuuko being so gloomy and lonely, entering the cafeteria with a fake smile plastered on her face to go and sit by herself at a table that probably already has her name engraved on it.
So after two long weeks, on a rainy day, Natsuki decides that she already has enough of the sad and heartbreaking look upon Yuuko's face that could easily compete with the weather, as well as the forced happiness she shows in the few calls they make to check up on each other, and decides to take matters in her own hands
- Go – a soft voice says behind her, slightly pushing her towards the shop's door.
- But I still have to work…
- Don't worry about it and leave it to me – says again a girl with brown hair tied into two tiny ponytails by yellow heart-shaped hairpins and red eyes, winking at Natsuki who just smiles at her softly.
- Thank you Tomoe, I owe you one.
Natsuki smiles at her gratefully once again while she puts her coat on, leaving her umbrella at the shop on purpose and leaves the shop, hoping Yuuko won't be paying attention to the street so she can surprise her, whether is for better or for worse.
- Good luck! – Tomoe yells at her friend, receiving a thumbs up as an answer – Good luck Natsuki... – Tomoe exhales out as she looks at Natsuki crossing the street to the cafeteria across the shop under the pouring rain, hoping her friend could be able to amend Yuuko's broken heart, before she goes back to taking care of the shop.
Before entering the cafeteria, Natsuki takes a deep breath and observes Yuuko looking absently between her mug and the street one last time, her hand already reaching the doorknob to pull the door open and greet the waitress with a smile on her face. She orders a cup of hot chocolate before going towards Yuuko's table with firm step, admiring her profile as Yuuko looks languidly now at the rain pouring down through the window.
Natsuki plops on the seat across from Yuuko, snapping her out of her trance to look upset at whoever that decided to disturb her peace, only to find Natsuki's smug grin.
- Yo – Natsuki greets her as Yuuko's eyes open widely in surprise and the look upon her face twists bothered at her sudden presence.
- What are you doing here, idiot? – Yuuko half whispers, faking a smile as the waitress brings Natsuki the chocolate she just ordered.
- My, my, it's that a way to greet an old friend? Or am I interrupting a date? – Natsuki says smugly, wiggling her eyebrows at her teasingly as she takes a sip of her chocolate while Yuuko just groans and puffs her cheeks out, looking away with a light blush adorning her cheeks.
- Whatever – Yuuko grumbles.
She didn't change in the slightest.
Natsuki thinks to herself, chuckling while enjoying riling Yuuko up like she used to do when they were back in high school.
Even though a couple of years have passed, they still kept in touch through texts or emails and from time to time, through phone calls too, they just don't meet in person that frequently, although Natsuki would like to change that in the near future…
- So, how have you been? – Natsuki asks, trying to sound as casual as she can which makes Yuuko grimace yet smile internally.
- Don't you always ask me that whenever we talk over the phone?
- Yeah – Natsuki laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of her neck.
- I'm good – Yuuko answers plainly, sighing heavily and Natsuki knows that's a lie but decides to let it go, at least for the time being – What about you?
- I'm good too – Natsuki answers automatically, sinking them in an awkward silence.
This isn't going well.
Natsuki thinks, trying to come up with more topics of conversation but her mind is completely in blank. All she can think about is on how sad and thin Yuuko looks and on the way her own heart sinks because of it, aching painfully as she sees the girl she has slowly came to love like that.
Natsuki watches Yuuko looking through the window, impassible to the awkward silence reigning over them and sighs heavily, scratching her forehead as if that was going to help her to come up with something to talk about when she notices the book laying on the table.
- Are you enjoying it?
- Uh?
- The book. Are you enjoying it? – Natsuki says, nodding at the book on the table, making Yuuko look at it too.
- I guess I do – Yuuko says, shrugging her shoulders briefly to go back to look through the window apathetically.
Another plain and apathetic answer…
Natsuki sighs, staring at her before asking her cautiously and insecurely.
- Are you sure you're okay for real? You look thinner and sadder…
- I've already told you I'm okay – Yuuko snaps exasperatedly at her, making her immediately recoil and shut up.
Natsuki feels guilty. She was supposed to cheer Yuuko up and instead of that, it seems like she's bothering her with her presence and questions, making Yuuko feel worst than before and everything to be awkward between them…
- Sorry, but I'm okay Natsuki, for real, so stop worrying so much for others and start worrying more about yourself. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to use the bathroom – Yuuko says, excusing herself, knowing she's wrong by treating Natsuki like that, but she can't help it.
Natsuki just nods at her dumbfounded and stays sat there, seeing Yuuko's figure disappearing behind the bathroom's door with sadness.
Maybe I should just go home.
Natsuki thinks to herself, finishing her chocolate drink so she can say goodbye to Yuuko when she comes back.
Yuuko is barely approaching back to their table when Natsuki stands up, coming closer to meet her halfway.
- I'm going home – Natsuki tells her with a tight smile, waving her hand as a goodbye.
Yuuko nods at her, trying to conceal her sadness behind a fake smile as she sees Natsuki leaving, when she notices she isn't carrying any umbrella with her and looks again at the pouring rain through the picture window.
- Wait! – she half yells, grabbing Natsuki by the hand to prevent her from leaving – Where is your umbrella?
- Uh? I didn't brought one with me – Natsuki says, part lying.
Yuuko groans and goes back to gather her things before grabbing Natsuki by her hand to drag her towards the exit and then push her umbrella into her chest.
- You need to make it up to me for having bittered my coffee, so you better get me home dry.
Natsuki looks at her dumbfounded for the second time in the day, taking her sweet time to open the green umbrella to then wait for Yuuko to step under it so they can be under the same space. Discreetly, allured by Yuuko's warmth, Natsuki gets closer to her, hoping to drive Yuuko's sadness away in any possible way she can, even if she can't hug her.
And just like that, each of them sank into their own thoughts in their silent walk to Yuuko's house while sharing the umbrella under the pouring rain.
- Here we are – Natsuki says, still shielding Yuuko from the rain as she opens the front door of her house.
Once Yuuko is inside, Natsuki starts to close the umbrella to returning it back to her when Yuuko stops her, putting a hand over the one that's holding the handle of the umbrella.
- Take it with you.
- But-
- Just take it idiot. I don't want to have a guilty feeling if you end getting sick because of this rain – Yuuko says, looking away to hide the light blush blossoming on her face – But I want it back, it's my favorite umbrella.
It's a lie, it's just another umbrella of all the ones she has but it gives her the perfect excuse to see Natsuki again.
- Fine, I'll bring it back to you tomorrow – Natsuki complains, rolling her eyes playfully with a soft grin on her face, making Yuuko smile slightly back before closing the door in her face, not before murmuring another soft "idiot".
Natsuki chuckles at it, already having gotten used to that playful and harmless insult and goes back to her own home using Yuuko's umbrella to shield herself from the rain.
And there it rests for two consecutive days until the rain finally stops and Yuuko allows her to bring her back the umbrella without risking getting wet under the rain.
So, as soon as the sun comes out, Natsuki happily walks towards Yuuko's house, wanting nothing more than seeing her and maybe be able to draw a smile upon her face, this time a true and happy one.
One ring, two… Natsuki waits patiently outside Yuuko's house for her to open the front door when she notices there's something wrong.
As Yuuko opens the front door, Natsuki sees her looking down, trying to reach out to take her umbrella back without even looking at her, not even for a brief second and yet somehow, she manages to take the umbrella off her hands without saying anything and hurriedly tries to close the door again but Natsuki is faster than her and puts a foot in the way to prevent it from closing.
- Wait! What's wrong?! – Natsuki asks frantically while Yuuko keeps trying to close the door.
- Nothing! Leave me alone!
- The hell I'm leaving you alone! There's something clearly wrong! – Natsuki yells, pushing against the door with her shoulder to keep it open until she can finally enter Yuuko's home after a bit more of struggling.
As soon as Yuuko hears the click of the door closing and sees Natsuki in front of her looking at her sternly, she feels her stomach churn with a strange feeling in the pit of it, making her take steps backwards unconsciously, clutching her own arms while trying to embrace herself, trying to protect herself from Natsuki's unusually stern look making her feel vulnerable.
Somehow, she feels as if Natsuki could easily pierce her soul and read pass her deepest secrets and Yuuko is not ready for that, at least not yet.
That mere thought sends shivers down her spine, urging her to tighten her hold over herself, jaw clenched tightly while looking down again to hide from Natsuki's intense gaze.
- What's wrong? – Natsuki asks again but her question falls on deaf ears.
She sighs exasperatedly at Yuuko's stubbornness and takes a step closer, watching how Yuuko steps back. She repeats the same action with each step she takes, but even if it hurts to see how Yuuko keeps her distance being afraid of her, it also fuels Natsuki's resolution to figure out what's wrong with her so she can help her.
- Yuuko… – she breathes out her name softly and finally gets an answer. Yuuko's green eyes stares into hers briefly before they're flood with tears, making Natsuki's heart break at it.
With conviction, Natsuki shortens the distance between them to wrap Yuuko completely in her arms, sensing her tensing up and struggle in her embrace before she gives up and hugs her back tightly, resting her head against her chest while her tears flow freely, wetting Natsuki's shirt.
- Yuuko please, tell me what's wrong – Natsuki tries again, only to sense Yuuko shaking her head against her chest.
- No – Yuuko whispers shakily between tears and clutches Natsuki's shirt tighter in her fists.
Natsuki sighs patiently, stroking Yuuko's hair and back in a comforting way.
- Did somebody hurt you? – Natsuki senses a light tightening of Yuuko's grip in her clothes and feels as if she's heading on the right direction – Are you hurt?
The last question sinks them in the most absolute silence, only broken by Yuuko's wailing.
- It hurts – Yuuko whispers so weakly that Natsuki almost doesn't hear her but she does.
- Where?
Yuuko pushes aside from Natsuki's chest hesitantly, eyes facing the floor and fists clenched tightly, knuckles white before she points at her own heart to Natsuki.
- Should I take you to the hospital? – Natsuki asks her softly, not understanding Yuuko's pain completely which somehow brings a shy smile on Yuuko's face.
- No – Yuuko says softly, shaking her head with a light smile that she tries to hide.
Natsuki looks at her with sadness and places one of her hands over Yuuko's, squeezing it.
- It'll be okay. I'm here – she tells her reassuringly and Yuuko gazes up at her, seeing her eyes staring at her so tenderly that can't help but throws herself again into her arms, clinging to her while crying disconsolately and Natsuki wraps her arms tightly around her vulnerable body, feeling her own heart breaking in the middle of Yuuko's hallway.
They stay like that until Yuuko's crying ceases and Natsuki takes her to the kitchen to make them some tea and relax, trying to clear Yuuko's mind off.
- Do you want to talk about it? – she asks Yuuko softly, handing her a mug of tea.
- Do I have to? – Yuuko answers sharply and huskily, placing her hands around the mug to then sigh languidly - Sorry.
Natsuki shakes her head and smiles softly at her, reaching out for one of her hands to give it a little squeeze and caress it with her thumb, trying to reassure her.
- You don't have to if you don't want. It's okay Yuuko.
She really doesn't have to, Natsuki already knows that the person responsible of Yuuko's tears and heartache is probably none other than her beloved Kaori-senpai and it infuriates her as much as it saddens her, to see her in so much pain. It hurts to never be the one owning Yuuko's heart and be able to bring a true smile upon her face.
Natsuki sighs, trying not to think on it as she sips of her tea.
- Do you… – Yuuko starts whispering softly, tightening her hold around her mug before growing silent.
- Uh?
- Never mind.
- Tell me – Natsuki insists.
- Do you, um, like somebody? – Yuuko asks Natsuki softly yet more confident this time as a soft blush adorns her cheeks and Natsuki spits out her tea, looking at her wide eyed.
Yuuko, conscious of Natsuki stare, lowers her head embarrassed.
- Sorry, forget it.
- No, it's okay, it was just, um, unexpected – Natsuki sighs reassuringly while playing with the edge of her own mug to hide the light blush present on her cheeks – I, um, like somebody but I guess she'll never look at me, you know? – Natsuki admits to Yuuko bitterly.
- Yeah, I know.
Of course Yuuko knows, Kaori never took a glance at her, just the same way that mysterious girl can't seem to take a look at Natsuki and see how amazing she is. But who is her to say anything now that Natsuki won't take a look at her either because she was too late to confess her feelings for her after have been so focused on Kaori all this time...
Yuuko sighs dejectedly before hearing Natsuki's soft voice.
- But it's okay. I mean, it hurts but it's worthy if I get to make her smile and be able to see it.
Yuuko looks at her sadly, feeling a stabbing pain in her heart.
- She's an idiot. A lucky one although… – Yuuko says, lowering her voice at the last part but Natsuki hears her, smiling at it.
- Maybe but I love her.
Yuuko gasps audibly while Natsuki looks at her with a tight smile, knowing how Yuuko won't ever know she's the girl she's madly in love with.
- I see – Yuuko whispers, forcing a slight but sad smile back at her – Will you… stay tonight?
Yuuko asks Natsuki timidly and Natsuki can only smile softer and wider than before.
- All you want Yuuko.
Yuuko smiles back at her, this time a grateful and true smile, taking another sip of her tea, being more calmed although her head is a swirling mess of thoughts about Natsuki's mysterious girl that seemed to have managed to steal her heart and her own feeling towards her, those she tried so hard to forget.
True to her word, Natsuki stays the whole day making sure Yuuko is okay the entire time and cheering her up the best she can, bringing more than a smile to Yuuko's face.
Night falls and Yuuko is still wide awake in her bed, staring absently at the ceiling while replaying in her head everything that happened with Natsuki and thinking about her feelings for her and somehow, she realizes that the discovering of Natsuki's crush for that mysterious girl hurts more than her disappointment with Kaori and see how they'd never be compatible.
Yuuko sighs knowing she won't be able to sleep and gets out of her bed to head to the guest's room, knocking the door hoping Natsuki is still awake.
- Come in.
- Can I sleep with you? – Yuuko's head peeks out the door timidly, almost insecurely.
- Sure.
Natsuki smiles at her calmly, making room in the bed for her to get in.
- I... I just don't want to sleep alone – Yuuko whispers as Natsuki wraps her tightly in her arms and wipes away the rebel tears she didn't know had managed to escape.
- You aren't alone Yuuko, I'm here – Natsuki whispers the double meaning against her hair, nuzzling it as Yuuko snuggles more into her body, smiling softly and Natsuki, even though she can't see her, loves the sense of Yuuko's smile against her collarbone, after having missed it for too long.
And in that tight embrace, they succumb to slumber.
Morning comes sooner than expected and Natsuki wakes up with the sight of Yuuko smiling peacefully in her sleep.
Natsuki caresses her cheek delicately, not wanting to wake her up yet and kisses her forehead lightly, before untangling herself from her to prepare breakfast for the both of them and start planning a walk together when suddenly, the doorbell sounds, bringing an unexpected change of plans with it.
Yuuko wakes up groggily at its sound and goes downstairs to open the door, revealing to Natsuki who is on the other side: Kaori.
Natsuki's world stops and spins for a second before she decides she can't take it, that she isn't ready for it. She's not ready to see the girl she's madly in love with the person that broke her heart.
Natsuki can already imagine Yuuko's face talking with Kaori, feeling an unbearable pain in her chest, so she gathers her things quickly and approaches to a more awake Yuuko.
- Hey, thanks for borrow me the umbrella and let me use the bathroom, I have to go now – Natsuki excuses herself, waving Kaori as she leaves the house, not bothering to take another look at Yuuko.
As soon as Natsuki steps into the streets, she feels a cold breeze of air whipping her face.
How suitable.
She thinks as she starts to walk around the streets with no particular destination in mind, just trying to clean her mind off and calm the ache of her heart.
As the first raindrops start to fall, her feet quicken their pace until she starts to run aimlessly, letting the rain blend with her tears until her legs refuse to keep up the pace, coming to a stop and she gazes up at the rain, admiring the grey sky being as sad as her heart.
So ironic…
Natsuki laughs bitterly, still staring up at the sky as tears keep flooding down her already wet face.
I'm such an idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot.
She repeats to herself over and over again as she embraces herself in the middle of the street, crying disconsolately.
The sound of rain brings within the sound of rushed steps splashing the wet concrete and soon, another body collides into hers, quickly hugging her from behind.
Natsuki remains standing still shocked, afraid of turning around as a pair of arms tightens their hold around her, wrapping her into their warmth as a head buries itself in her back.
- You're such an idiot indeed.
Yuuko's sweet voice echoes in between the sound of raindrops crashing against the concrete and a strange feeling of calm settles immediately in Natsuki's heart.
- Leaving just like that without even take a look at me, without giving me the opportunity to say anything… idiot – Yuuko says shakily, tightening her hold around Natsuki, who gives up, turning around to wrap her completely in her arms.
- I'm sorry – Natsuki simply says, not finding any other excuse while she squeezes her body in a tight hug.
- And now you're going to make us catch a cold, idiot – Yuuko says teasingly, pressing her head more into Natsuki's chest, listening to the sound of her heartbeat.
- Sorry - Natsuki repeats again, smiling slightly.
- You better be idiot… You're lucky I love you – Yuuko whispers the last part by accident but Natsuki still hears her, tensing up.
- You… You love me? – Natsuki repeats slowly, incredulous.
- I…. yes. I do love you.
Yuuko pushes away, tears running down her face as her hand cups Natsuki's face, wiping her tears away.
- Wait, but Kaori-
Yuuko presses a finger on Natsuki's lips to silence her while shaking her head.
- I love you, I have always loved you. I've just been too stupid to realize of it sooner.
Natsuki stares at her intensely, feeling her heart skips a beat at her words, and out of impulse, she crashes their lips in a kiss.
Yuuko quickly kisses her back, deepening the kiss until the necessity of air becomes a reality and they pull apart, resting their foreheads together as they smile at each other softly.
- Idiot – Yuuko insults Natsuki again in a playful and soft way, caressing her cheek tenderly.
Natsuki smiles at her softly and searches her lips for another tender and deep kiss.
Even though the air is cold and they're soaked, it strangely feels warm for them.
They smile at each other softly one last time, not caring how they might look like a pair of idiots in the middle of the street getting soaked and at risk of catching a cold… And to Natsuki, none of that matters as long as she gets to see Yuuko's beautiful and happy smile, and in that precise moment, she could practically feel her love through it and nothing makes her happier than that.