Gold answered the door, naked from the waste up. He smirked to himself, seeing the shocked expressions of the heroes at finding him in nothing but a black pair of sweats. Regina's eyes scanned up and down his body invasively, taking in every muscle. He sure didn't look like a bodybuilder, but he was well muscled. He had a thin six-pack, and wiry muscles covering his chest and arms. He was quite a bit stronger than he looked, but usually no one saw him without a shirt on, so it didn't bother him. Under Prince Charming's gaze, he began to grow self-conscious, though. Just because he looked like a freaking blonde super model didn't mean everyone needed to have muscles the size of freight trains!
"What can I do for you?" Gold asked in a bored tone.
"W-Where. . . are your clothes?" Snow White stammered, innocent as ever.
"Well, I would have put my shirt on, but a little angel with a pitchfork stole it," Gold sighed.
He heard a distant "I heard that", but no one else seemed to hear it, so he didn't say anything. Gold just watched in amusement as their faces twisted first into confusion, then comprehension, then disgust. Well, who cared what they thought anyway? Besides everyone else, of course; those people didn't count.
"There's someone else in there, ay, Crocodile?" Hook smirked annoyingly.
"No, I was talking about a fallen angel," Gold said sarcastically, though no one seemed to catch it.
Hook snorted, "That makes more sense," and barged past the shirtless man.
"Hello? I live here. Get out," Gold growled.
"No need to get snippy. We just need a little aid, then we'll be gone," Hook waved dismissively as he walked into the kitchen.
Everyone else seemed to follow the pirate's lead, just walking into Gold's kitchen. It really wasn't that messy, just a little. There were only a few pans out. . . and plates, and pots, and the kettle was going, and the bacon was in one of those pans on the stove. On second thought, it probably didn't look that great.
"Oh, your kitchen! It's so fancy," Snow reached out to touch his black marble countertop and then drew her hand back like she might get infected.
"Well, Regina did have to give me a nice house, even if she cursed it with a horrid color," Gold grumbled as he skillfully flipped the bacon.
"Hey, at least it isn't pink. It's salmon," Regina mocked.
"Everyone else in the world would beg to differ, dearie, including me," Gold hissed angrily.
He brushed his long hair out of his face, back behind his ear, before bending over to grab yet another plate so that the recipient of this grand breakfast could eat comfortably in bed. He placed it on the counter to await the bacon it would soon hold. As he thought of it, he decided that it would take a breakfast table, not just a tray. He didn't cook that much, just pancakes, and French toast, and crepes, and bacon, and scrambled eggs, and hash browns, and-
"Who are you cooking for?" Emma furrowed her brows in confusion as she looked at all the food.
"You assume just because I'm not as big as Prince Charming," he emphasized the title in a lilting voice, "I can't eat a lot of food?"
"You're eating all this?" Snow asked meekly.
"No, but it's rude to assume," Gold slid the bacon gracefully into its proper place on the plate in front of him.
"We're getting off track. We need help," Regina sneered.
"So I've gathered," Gold snorted in derision.
Regina scowled, but didn't say anything more. Instead, she looked to Snow, seeming to try and goad her into saying something. Snow shook her head and then looked at Charming, who bit the inside of his cheek, refusing to say this something. The princling turned his head to Regina again who snorted, rebuffing his silent request to say something. She, stubbornly, looked at Emma, who cringed away from her.
"Oh, for the sake of my hash browns, out with it!" Gold snarled, his brogue momentarily becoming thicker with frustration.
"Umm, there is a problem," Hook started, his eyes wandering to Gold's bare chest and then snapping back up every few seconds.
"My eyes are up here. Despite what you may believe, they don't move," Gold grimaced.
"I wasn-" Hook started.
"What's the problem?" Gold huffed, not in the mood for any more foreplay.
"There's sort of a demon. . ." the pirate continued.
"Sort of? Is there, or is there not, a demon?" Gold glowered.
"There's a demon," Regina confirmed.
"And, what? You can't stick a sword in it at the right angle and you need me to do it for you?" Gold guessed.
"My angles are just fine," Hook defended.
"The sword's not sharp enough?"
"So is my penetration."
"It's too small?"
"My size is not the problem."
"It's not wide enough to go all the way across the demon?"
"The thickness is not the problem, either!"
"Then tell me what the problem is!" Gold was about ready to pull his hair out in aggravation.
"The demon has a certain kind of magic. . ." Snow mumbled.
"As most demon's do," he raised an eyebrow.
". . .That allows it to turn into someone's True Love," Snow finished.
"Turns into, or appears to be?" Gold pursed his lips.
"We don't know," Charming crossed his enormous arms over his chest, show off.
"Are you afraid of a bonding spell, so that if you cause harm to it the same harm shall be caused on the person whose form this demon is imitating?" Gold lifted both eyebrows.
". . .Sure," Emma smiled boisterously.
"And you came to me because. . .?" he let the question hang.
"Well, we - uh - we figured that since you don't have a True Love, you could. . ." Snow coughed discreetly.
Gold ran his tongue slowly across his lips and then took a deep breath. Were they serious? That was why they came to him? Not because he had powerful magic. Not because he was the Dark One. Not even because Belle had broken his heart, breaking their True Love in the process. Just because they though. . . he didn't have a True Love? He didn't like them much, or really at all, and he certainly didn't care about their thoughts, feelings, or opinions, but that hurt just a bit.
At least Snow had the decency to look ashamed, everyone else in the room just looked relieved it had finally been said. Regina stared at him expectantly, Hook looked like he was waiting for Gold to grow a tail and call a flaming pitchfork from the hottest part of hell, and the Charmings - all three - just looked like they wanted to get this over with. All five invaders of his home practically had one foot out the door, waiting for him to follow. Did they think the price was experiencing the uncomfort that came with asking him? Or did they think that seeing him shirtless was scarring enough to deserve something in return? He had someone upstairs, in his bed, that would heavily disagree.
"And what would you give me in return?" Gold sighed through his nose in acquiescence.
". . .What?" Hook looked confused.
Staring at everyone's bemused faces, Gold wanted to pet them and give them treats. Maybe he would brush them and tell them they were good little heroes, too. Except maybe Hook. That bad doggy deserved to sleep in the yard with no treats and nothing to play with. While it rained fire. And acid.
"Tit for tat, dearie. It's not nothing for nothing, you know," Gold laughed such a fake, mocking laugh that he hurt himself while doing it.
Everyone else cringed, though, so it was worth it.
"We. . . could give you strands of our hair?" Charming suggested, simultaneously making it sound like an answer and a question.
"That won't work in this world," Gold frowned.
"We could talk to Belle for you," Regina smiled like she had come up with some great idea.
"Sorry, dear, I've already won the No-Belle prize, I have no inclination to reopen old wounds," Gold took the French toast off the griddle and stacked it on one of the plates.
"Then what do you want?" Emma flung her arms out dramatically.
"I want a promise," Gold responded as he stacked the pancakes, drizzling syrup over the top of them.
"I'm not marrying you," Regina scrunched her nose up.
"Why in any realm would I want that? When I said I would curse you to eternal damnation, I meant with the real devil, that way, I can punish both of you," Gold chuckled, though he was serious.
"What'd the devil do to you?" Emma asked, teasingly.
"He cheated me on a deal we made," Gold replied with a blank face.
"Wait. . . really? You made a deal with the devil?" Hook laughed.
"No, he made a deal with the devil. I made a deal for fire from hell," Gold clarified, "It can be useful in potions."
"How did he cheat you on that?" Regina quirked a perfectly plucked eyebrow.
Gold turned to look the queen in the eyes, "He sent me a burning torch from your castle."
Regina fumed and grumbled something mysteriously like 'that pitchfork will end up in his', but he wasn't sure. She could have said 'the stitch cork fills bent linens'. Gold would never know.
"What promise do you want?" Snow whispered, almost like it was the end of the world.
"That if any of you have any more children, you'll let me make my stew with their corpses," Gold said indifferently.
He heard a jumble of words ranging from "Oh, hell, no!" to "What the {words we won't talk about} is wrong with your {more words we won't talk about} brain?!". Gold just smirked at them all, sprinkling powdered sugar over the crepes. Charming looked about ready to take a swing at him, but Gold could just shoo the prince away with a broom.
Gold halted all further comments by raising his hand, "I wasn't being serious."
"You twisted little-" Regina was cut off abruptly.
"Before this gets too far, all I want is each of you to promise that when I ask you to leave my house, my shop, somewhere I own, or a place I have claim to, that you listen," Gold stated calmly.
They all nodded their consent, but that wasn't what he asked. There was no way they were getting out of this.
"Aloud," he reiterated.
"Really? Why?" Regina whined.
"Because those are the terms of my deal," Gold said firmly.
"I promise."
"I promise."
"I promise."
"I promise."
"I promise."
Gold smiled in satisfaction as he thought of all the things he could do, all the previous times he could have kicked them out of places. He owned almost all of the buildings in Storybrooke! He owned Mary Margaret's - Snow White's - loft! Perfect, perfect, perfect. Evil cackle, evil cackle, EVIL CACKLE! Oh, wait, they were still here.
"Go away," and with two blissful words, Gold descended into satisfactory silence.
"But-"
"Nope."
"You can't d-"
"Yes, I can, dearie."
"You little-"
"Go away."
"No, we st-"
"I've already agreed to the deal, and so have you. Go away."
Gold watched with overflowing glee as the heroes - and wanna-be heroes - walked out of his house. He smiled happily to himself before loading the plates onto his arms and balancing them all the way up the stairs while he hummed 'I Am A Lost Boy From Neverland'.
*~Herocrites~*
"I heard that, you know."
"I know," Gold smirked as he laid out breakfast in bed for his love.
"You're sleeping on the couch tonight," she moved the plates over to her bedside table.
"No, I'm not," Gold smiled.
"Yes, you are."
"Nope," his smile stretched.
"Yep."
His smile fell a bit, "Really?"
"Yes."
"But I called you an angel!" Gold defended.
"With a pitchfork," she reminded him.
"Pitchforks can be sexy, if you use them right."
"I will kill you."
"You have to catch me first," Gold said as he moved up next to her while she lay in bed, just out of arm's reach.
"Say that to me again when I'm done with you," her smirk matched his as she leaned forward and hooked her finger over the waistband of his sweats, pulling him closer.
"Deal," Gold murmured against her lips.
*~Herocrites~*
Gold stood in the middle of Main Street - fully clothed in his usual three piece Armani suit - with his sword ready. It was doused in True Love potion that he had left over. Though the heroes had come to him as if it wasn't a big deal, the demon they were so afraid to face could actually destroy Storybrooke. It was in his best interest to kill it now before it got more powerful.
When the demon appeared, Gold was not surprised to see it take the form of his blonde love, though everyone around him either gasped or gagged. At least it wasn't Emma, right? But who would have guessed, hmm? No one, that's who.
"Are you seeing this, love?" Hook looked at the Savior.
"I might be, but right now, it's a possibility your handsomeness blinded me," Emma stared, transfixed on the form the demon took.
"And they gag at me," Gold mumbled.
He raised his sword as the demon came at him, dark claws out. It floated just a few inches off the ground, so it almost looked like it was running towards him, but not quite. Swinging a sword at the woman he loved was definitely a strange feeling, but he also kind of liked it. Not that he would ever tell her that.
"Come on, Rumple," the demon hissed at him.
"I'm sorry darling, if I had known you were moonlighting as a demon, I would have kept the house dark for you," Gold shook his head as he brought his sword down.
It clanged against the pavement, but didn't reach its target. He growled in frustration, swinging again. He was a decent swordsman, but the demon just disappeared into thin air.
"Perhaps it's your angle," Hook muttered from somewhere behind him.
"Shut it, or I shall cut another appendage from your body," Gold breathed in irritation.
The demon kept eluding him, but he kept swinging at it. Eventually, he hit the demon square in the shoulder. It made a sound somewhere between a scream and a hiss - maybe with a bit of Russian in there - before disappearing. Gold smiled contentedly and made his sword vanish. He would find it later when he stepped on it.
"You're okay!" Gold's love ran to him and hugged him.
"Do I still have to sleep on the couch?" Gold asked.
"Depends how well you make up for leaving me all alone so you could go fight a demon."
"I thought I already did."
"That was an apology, Rumple."
"Eh, I have no qualms about apologizing again."
"I figured not."
"Let's go home, angel."
The heroes watched in shock as Rumplestiltskin and Tinker Bell walked off, hand in hand. What the actual hell? Where did that come from?!
"I need to apologize for something, love," Hook turned to Emma.
"What for?" she furrowed her eyebrows.
"I dunno, but I really want to apologize," Hook shrugged and smirked when she caught his meaning.
She slapped him on the chest. Hard.