As I was working on the final chapter for Booth's Sin and a new chapter for Quarantine, I began to think of this short one. I wanted to play with the idea of food some more, and what would happen when Bones decides to try her hand at some spicier chili for Hodgins, Booth, and, of course, Hodgins' main nemesis Billy. This was the result. I apologize up front for being a tad on the cruel side with the Guys. It's my warped sense of humor coming through once again. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
"Dr. B cooks chili?" Hodgins asked doubtfully. He knew that Brennan was a very accomplished Vegan cook, but chili? Come on!
"Seriously," Booth told Hodgins and Billy. "She makes an all meat chili that I would kill for."
"Does it have some heat?" Billy drawled. It wasn't chili if it didn't have some serious heat in his opinion.
"She's a cooking demon with the Scotch Bonnets," Booth told them. He liked some heat, too, and Bones' chili certainly fit the bill in his considered opinion.
"Think she'd make us a batch?" Billy asked.
"Sure," Booth replied.
Hodgins was beginning to get a bit nervous about where this was headed. He was still utterly convinced that Billy was a completely psychotic sadist, and if he was asking for some extra hot chili for the three of them, then something was raising red flags in poor little Jack Hodgins freaked out head. The Celebratory Tequila had been bad enough but bringing the heat in the food could mean a serious gastronomic disaster! Brennan was extremely literal, after all.
"Uh, I'm not too sure about this," Hodgins managed to squeak out.
"Then I guess we could settle for some Celebratory Tequila," Billy said, giving The Thing a rather disgusted look. What a Pansy!
"Chili it is!" Hodgins said instantly. There was no way he was going to give Billy even a snowball's chance of breaking out the Tequila and arranging for some more body art!
"It's genuine meat and not tofu, right?" Billy drawled. He hated tofu with a passion, and he knew full well that Dr. Brennan ate no meat and focused on tofu.
"100% pure Grade A Beef," Booth assured the two skeptical men with him. "Bones?" he called out.
"There is no need to shout, Booth," Bones said admonishingly as she came out onto the back patio.
Hodgins snickered at that one. Angie was always on his ass about his raised voice, especially when he was proclaiming himself King of the Lab, which he had to do to make sure that no one forgot whose magnificent presence they were in. Now it was the G-Man who was getting lectured on proper volume control.
"Sorry, Bones," Booth said instantly. No need to make Bones mad and wind up with no nude cuddling at the end of the day, after all. "Me and the guys were wondering if you would make some chili?" he asked her once he knew that he was not in trouble for the raised voice.
"Very hot chili," Billy added. He didn't want any of the namby pamby stuff. "Booth here says you make some excellent meat chili. Can you really notch it up on the heat, though?"
"That will be possible," Bones said, not noticing the look of horror on Hodgins face at the mention of "very hot". "I will go to the store and get the needed supplies."
"Great, Bones!" Booth said, still thinking in terms of Scotch Bonnets as the pepper of choice and figuring she would only add a couple to the usual mix. He could handle that without any problems. Pops had loved chili made with some seriously hot peppers and had loved Bones' chili. Booth loved it, too, and a little extra heat would be all the better.
Bones, however, was thinking in very different terms. She recalled Angela telling her once that her Father always complained that most of the hot peppers usually used weren't ever hot enough, so she decided to use some very hot peppers for this chili recipe. They would be very high on the Scoville scale.
Eight Hours Later
Booth wanted to die. There was no other way to describe how he was feeling right at that moment. He'd been sucking down cold milk and ice water for the last three hours with seemingly no end in sight to the raging inferno that was blazing away in his mouth and entire internal digestive system. At least he hadn't been as hard hit as poor Hodgins and Billy had been. He'd only had two small bites of that molten lava infused chili that Bones had put in front of them, while Hodgins and Billy had dug right in and shoveled down a healthy amount before the horror hit.
"Are you feeling any better, Booth?" Bones asked as she brought in another tall glass of cold milk for him.
Booth took a long drink of the milk, savoring the cooling sensation that lasted a few seconds. "Bones, I have no taste buds left, and the Temple of Perfection is not feeling so perfect anymore," he told her. "I'm feeling alive enough to ask, so what did you put in that liquid lava you gave us?"
"I made my usual recipe, but instead of Scotch Bonnets, I used two Carolina Reapers, two Dragon's Breath, and a quarter cup of Ghost Pepper extract," she told him. "And instead of letting it reduce down for half an hour as usual, I let it reduce for two hours to let the peppers infuse more heavily into the chili."
Booth's eyes popped out at that short list of pure Hell. He took another long drink of cold milk. Carolina Reapers? Dragon's Breath? Ghost Pepper extract? Those were within the top four or five peppers in existence! Well, not the Ghost Pepper, but the Reaper and the Dragon certainly were! And she infused them for two whole hours! No wonder he felt like he was on fire from the inside out!
"Bones," Booth tried to say in as normal a voice as possible. "I can safely say that chili will no longer be on the menu for me, Hodgins, or Billy. Somehow, we have lost all appetite for that particular dish."
"Was the flavor acceptable, though?" Bones asked curiously. While she was concerned about the possible aftereffects of the chili that they had ate, given how powerfully it had hit them, she was also curious as to the flavor component that such strong peppers had.
"What part of having no taste buds left did you not understand?" Booth asked incredulously. He fought the urge to belch as the noxious regurge that could accompany such an action would be a fiery blaze coursing through his esophagus and most likely bring up some even worse remnants that were seemingly permanently residing in his formerly cast iron stomach. At least he wasn't in the hospital like Billy, or permanently ensconced on the throne like Hodgins. He shuddered at what those two were going through. Billy couldn't talk and was in the hospital getting thoroughly checked over with some seriously invasive testing. As for Hodgins, that nut had told him that he was releasing some deadly stuff from good old number one AND number two. Words like lava and super-heated plasma were the descriptions the poor conspiracy nut was using.
Bones nodded and while she did not believe that Booth was now lacking taste buds, she was willing to acknowledge that in the heat of the moment, so to speak, he had not really had the time to process the flavor profile that the peppers had given the chili. She moved on to the next item.
"Caroline phoned and is wanting to speak with you about the injuries to Angela's Father and the fact that he will not be touring for some time," she told Booth. "She also mentioned that she is most displeased that she would be having to get a refund of her tickets to his now cancelled upcoming concert, seeing as she is a very devoted fan of his band."
Booth gave her a somewhat jaundiced look. "And just why would she be wanting to have a little chat with me about this?" he questioned. "I was not the one to create and serve that recipe from Hell. There will be no throwing your Boothy under the bus, Bones." He took another long, soothing drink of cold milk.
"I explained that you had asked for me to make a batch of my homemade chili for you and Hodgins and Billy," Bones informed him. "Her response was, to put it mildly, somewhat animated."
Booth wanted to crawl into a nice, cold hole in the ground and die right then. Bones had already thrown him under the damn bus! Caroline was an ardently zealous fan of ZZ Top from the word go and had mentioned in the past of having fantasies involving Billy! Anything having to do with Caroline Julien and fantasies made him want to toss his cookies, but what was worse was when she was on the warpath and this time he was the target, thanks in no small part to Bones.
"Way to shift the blame, Bones," he grumbled as he finished off the glass of milk. He held out the glass to her. "I'm ready for some more milk, by the way."
As Bones walked away to go and get him some more cold milk while he poured some more ice water into his second glass from the pitcher in front of him, he thought back to when the three of them had realized something was seriously wrong with the chili. It had been a horrific scene, to say the least. Booth had wondered why Bones was wearing surgical gloves as she was serving the chili but had not thought much of it as he was certain that she had been using Scotch Bonnets, simply adding a couple more to the mix.
The aroma of the chili had been fantastic, and the three guys had been really chomping at the bit to dig in. Still, he usually took careful bites to begin with, like he did with all spicy foods to give his taste buds and the soft tissues of his mouth a little warm up for the serious heat to come. Because of that, he'd watched in shock as both Hodgins and Billy began almost immediately inhaling the stuff as he took two quick, small bites. Booth had just swallowed his second bite when he heard Hodgins squeal like a stuck pig and Billy wheezing uncontrollably. Then it had hit him.
Oh My God! The heat! Two measly bites and his entire mouth had felt like it was being scalded and melted all at the same time! Then came the deadly feeling of internally going up in flames as the heat worked its way down his esophagus and into his stomach! If this was what he had felt after only two miniscule bites, then he didn't even want to imagine the nova like flames that those poor bastards next to him had been feeling. All he'd known was that he needed some ice cold milk and ice water mucho pronto!
"Milk!" he managed to barely get out in a hoarse, wheezing voice.
Billy had been rushed to the hospital, and Hodgins had been checked out by the EMT's and pronounced okay enough to go home and be miserable. He had looked like he was on fire. Hodgins face was a burnished red, his eyes were constantly watering, and he had been holding his stomach and groaning in agony as Angela had come to take him home.
Booth's nightmarish reverie was broken when Bones came in with more milk, a whole pitcher full this time. Booth knew that he would use it all with no problem. He also saw a fresh pitcher of ice water on the tray, too. At least Bones had her priorities straight when it came to caring for the injured and dying! Never mind the fact that she had caused said mayhem to commence. Unfortunately, he now had to use the bathroom. All that milk and ice water had hit his bladder and there was no escaping it. He sent up a silent prayer that he would not be experiencing the fiery evacuations Hodgins was suffering through on the Throne! All he knew, though, was that when this Hellish nightmare was over, he and Bones were going to have a little chat about what the acceptable levels of heat and spice were when someone said to bring on the heat. The Reaper and the Dragon were going to definitely be off any such list!
A/N: I am going to be doing one more, quick chapter to check in on Billy and Hodgins in the aftermath of this horror. I may even bring in Caroline to see what she has to say about all of this. I hope you enjoyed this opening salvo of a two chapter story. I should have the final chapter of Booth's Sin ready soon and am already outlining a new chapter for Quarantine. Gregg