Happy birthday to Got Tea! So sad we can't be together to celebrate.

Lots of thanks to Joodiff for the help and the beta.

Enjoy.

Pain.

Closing my eyes tight, I try to compose myself. Resting on the closed file in front of me, my hand is clasped tightly around a tissue and all I want to do is wipe my eyes which are burning with tears that threaten to start flowing.

But I won't. Boyd is definitely watching, keeping an eye on me from his office.

I'm knackered. Totally drained. My body is aching and my mind is in chaos after this rollercoaster of a day and I am completely done. Really should gather myself to go home. Can I summon the energy? So many wounds ripped open. Wounds I honestly believed were healed...

I force myself to breathe deeply. Deep and steady. All the way down the pit of my stomach; hold my breath a moment and then slowly let the air seep out through my mouth. Time and time again until I feel calmer, and am able to straighten my back in some kind of defiance. My eyes open again and I look down.

Harry-bloody-Taylor is staring up at me from the photo attached to the file, but he can't hurt me anymore. My index finger follows the contour of his face almost like a caress, which it's not. Definitely not.

At least I now know it all was for the best, the way it went. Had I stayed with him - had he stayed with me - I would never have had the career I have had - and still have. Not with such a close personal connection to a police officer kicked out of the force the way Harry was.

I still feel deceived, though. Still feel utterly betrayed...

Now I only mourn for the child I lost then, and all the children I might have had if I had dared to let another man get close enough. Never did though. Burned child dreads the fire they say...

The ghosts from my past have probably come to rest. I really hope they have. Charles, I'm not sure about. The last deception from a man. He might haunt me from now on but I doubt it. He never was that close to me. Though the image of him, collapsed in the hallway like a puppet carelessly thrown away by a child, will be hard to erase from my dreams.

Time to go home, to face my demons. Alone, just a bottle of wine for company...

I roll my head from side to side to ease the tense muscles in my neck and shoulders before I get to my feet. Casting a glance around my desk, I start to gather my things, placing the glasses and the phone down my bag, and throw the damp tissue in the paper bin, tidying up. Not sure if I'm coming in tomorrow.

Walking to the coat hooks, my legs feel like jelly but by concentrating hard, I manage. I slip into my coat, then head towards the door. Not something I never was conscious about before but now, I count the steps, concentrating on keeping up appearances. All for the benefit of Boyd.

Stopping by his office door, I say good-night and once again thank him for his help and support today. He gets to his feet, offers to drive me home, to stay with me tonight as he comes towards me, but even though he's a good man, I decline his kind offer, plastering a tired smile on my face, I tell him I'm okay, only completely worn out and going straight home in my bed.

He puts an arm around my shoulders, studies me intensely, apparently trying to convince himself I really am alright, then hugs me gently. He's never done that before.

Twisting out of his embrace, I whisper good-night again, and walk away from him, raising my hand in a wave without looking back.

He saved my life... he walked straight through the door even though Charles stood there with a loaded gun ready to fire at him. He didn't hesitate a moment. I owe him my life.

How can I refuse him...

I keep walking, determined not to show any kind of weakness as I leave the squad room and stroll calmly to my car. Quickly slipping in behind the wheel, my hands clutch it hard. All I want is to feel safe and secure. Preferably in his arms. To disappear in his embrace... I need him so much.

But tonight I can't be with a man. Not even him. Tonight I need to be alone.