Ok. This was a fic I wrote a couple years ago during my first run-through of the show. I adapted this same fic for the Castle fandom and you can read it on my page. If it sounds familiar, it's probably why.
And now with Elliot coming back, I thought it fitting to post. I tried to update it a little (you'll see) but still keeping it how I originally wrote it.
"Ok," Olivia sighed, "you are getting toilet paper, bread, and cheese. That's it." Maybe some ice cream.
Olivia had finally made it home after a particularly long week with particularly brutal cases. She changed into her old NYPD hoodie and her most comfortable pair of sweats. Only to find out there was exactly one toilet paper roll in her apartment.
And all she wanted was an ooey gooey grilled cheese and some mind-numbing TV with her baby sleeping in the next room.
Except, she didn't currently possess either bread or cheese. So, she forced herself and a half-asleep Noah out of her cozy apartment and to the Publix down the block.
Olivia swore the grocery store had seen her at her worst, as every time she walked in, she thought she couldn't look any more haggard if she tried. Well, try doing my job for a decade and a half.
Olivia loved her job with every fiber of her being. She loved justice and fighting for the survivors she worked with every day; those affected by the depravity of other's actions. Sometimes, she found it in herself to love the unpredictable schedule; it could be exciting. And in the past, working on a case until she physically couldn't anymore suited her. That is, until she had a teething toddler learning to walk and getting into everything possible.
Toilet paper, bread and cheese. She repeated it like a strange sort of mantra. She needed it to settle her raging thoughts. About her job, her future, Noah's future, her non-existent love life, her betrayal, her abandonment. Her Elliot.
Everything that kept her up at night.
Luckily, the items weren't too dispersed throughout the store and five minutes later she had the toilet paper and bread chucked into the cart with an extra box of diapers she figured they needed.
She and a now-restless Noah made their way over to the dairy section for her favorite block of white cheddar. Unconventional at best, but Olivia realized it was one of the few good memories she had with her mother.
From her position, she had a clear view of the registers. The store wasn't busy at this time of night, there were only three lanes open. Lanes 1 and 3 held a college-aged girl and a grandmother buying their weekly groceries.
Lane 2, however, held a man Olivia could only see from behind. He was a taller man in a blue dress shirt and slacks. Probably a businessman picking up a few last-minute groceries before heading home. He was muscular and the way his hair receded from the side reminded her of someone she hadn't seen in a very long time. Almost two years to be exact.
While she probably would've found it strange had anyone else done it, she leaned against the cheese display case and let herself pretend the man in Lane 2 was Elliot. She imagined what he was doing at the moment. Most likely something similar to this man. The more she studied him, the more she noticed how much he really did resemble her former partner. His build, the way he held himself as he placed the items on the conveyor belt. He was probably handsome too.
She missed Elliot. Really, truly, honestly, bone-deep missed him. The memories flooded her as she stared at the man. She felt the prickle of tears welling up from behind her eyes but refrained from letting them fall. She already looked like a mess, she didn't need the other scattered shoppers to think she was having an emotional breakdown with her sleeping child between the cheese and the eggs. Internally, she was, but they didn't need to know that.
She didn't even know this man. Why was she getting so worked up? She chalked it up to exhaustion and got behind the man in Lane 2 who was making small talk with the older woman behind the register.
God, he even sounded like Elliot.
Now, Olivia was convinced she was making things up. Convincing herself that he sounded like him just to satisfy her subconscious.
Trying to remove her focus from the man, her eyes skimmed the trashy magazines being displayed while she saw him reach for a Kit Kat. Elliot's favorite. It's then she notices his shirt sleeves unbuttoned at the cuff and rolled up a few times.
Then she saw it.
The tattoo.
The Marine tattoo.
Now she really must be hallucinating. Maybe she should sit down.
Against her better judgement, she found her voice enough to mumble his name, "Elliot." Hopefully, her surprise didn't quiet her voice enough for him not to turn around.
He turned around quickly, probably wondering how someone knew his name in a random grocery store at almost nine o'clock at night.
And when the man from Lane 2 turned around, she went limp; her jaw dropping at the sight.
"Elliot." She whispered under her breath. She blinked a few times, making sure Elliot Joseph Stabler was truly, 100%, beyond a reasonable doubt, standing in front of her.
"Olivia!" Elliot's eyes lit up, he said her name in a sort of glee.
Her insides were churning. She didn't know how to feel. Relieved? Excited? Surprised? Angry? Upset? Betrayed? And a thousand other emotions she couldn't place.
She honestly felt frozen and dizzy. Finally, her surprise and shock turned into something she didn't expect. A sort of anger and sadness all over again. She felt the sting of Cragen telling her Elliot resigned. The heartbreak of having to pack up his desk. Suddenly, she didn't see her partner. She saw a coward and that frightened her. Was he the same man? Did she still know him the same way? Did he still roll up his sleeves when he was about to put the screws to a suspect? Did he still look at a menu but get the same thing every time? Did he still remember all the intricacies about her? Could they still finish each other's sentences? Could they be the same again?
There had to be something still there, right?
After taking in each other's presence for a few moments, Olivia's lowered voice snaps, "What the hell are you doing here?" Her tone catching even herself by surprise.
"Honestly, I really don't know. I had some time off, figured I'd reach back out." Elliot says, shrugging his shoulders with a strained expression, like it's really not that big of a deal. Like that BS answer would ever fly with her.
"After two years? Elliot, I trusted you with my life every single day for over a decade. And you threw me away like trash. Like I wasn't your best friend." Olivia didn't care that they were still standing in Lane 2 with the cashiers now listening in. She didn't care at all. Now was the time for her to get her questions answered after all the resentment that has been quietly simmering since he left.
Noah stirred at his surroundings in the carrier and started to whimper. She placed a hand on the edge and gently rocked it back and forth. Olivia tried to console him but she was still processing who and what stood before her.
"Olivia." he sighed, running a hand over his face and down his neck in a sort of nervousness. It was a tic she knew well. "Liv, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't handle it anymore. You know me, I keep things bottled up. Everything exploded in my face and I couldn't face what I had done, justified or not."
"Alright, fine. You couldn't face yourself but what about me? I didn't realize shooting a gun caused memory loss!" The resentment was starting to bubble up and soon, her words weren't going to be her own.
Noah started to stir more, finally bursting into a wail. She unclipped him from his carrier and brought the fifteen month old to her shoulder.
"Shh, shh, shh. I'm sorry baby, momma didn't mean to." Even though her words were sweet she gave Elliot a glare that could kill.
Still fuming and trying to quiet Noah, she was cognizant enough to hear the cashiers huddled around the register. "Should I call the police?"
"Honey, we are the police." Olivia snapped back with what Fin once called her 'patented screw you' look, flashing her badge; Elliot soon following. She's surprised he had it so quickly on hand. Was he still a detective?
"I don't know what you want me to say right now but how about we take this somewhere else. Pay and have an actual discussion." Elliot instinctively placed a hand on her shoulder.
She jerked away from him, "Elliot, you don't need to handle me like we're victims. Noah and I have gotten by without you and I can pay for my own groceries." Olivia wanted to cry. She wanted to dissolve on his arms and never let him go but she was still so mad and that gnawing pit of betrayal hadn't quite gone away. She doubts it ever would; just like she'd doubted at one time that she and Elliot would ever not be partners.
Olivia snatches her items one-handed off the conveyor belt and moves over a lane, checking out quickly and for some reason, waiting for him.
"So the big question is, uh, whose car are we going to take?" Elliot have a strained laugh,
"I'll drop you off, mine has Noah's car seat." Olivia says, feeling and sounding absolutely drained.
"Well, I've got nowhere to be, if you need to get home, I can come over and we can talk." Elliot suggested,
As much as the idea irked her at the moment, it was a logical one. His car was here and what good would it do to return in the morning?
"Alright, just follow me. I moved." After Noah was born and started getting older, a one bedroom apartment was suddenly too cramped and forced her to look elsewhere.
"Huh, I thought you would've stayed there forever! You loved that apartment." Elliot says, returning his cart to the designated area.
"I thought you would've too, but, hey, people change." Olivia snips again, shutting Noah's door and getting into the driver's seat.
For one of the very few times in their relationship, Elliot currently held an expression she couldn't quite place. And honestly, she didn't care. She was too overwhelmed to care.
She knew it was going to be a long night.
It was just about two blocks just like it had been two years. As well as two birthdays, two Christmases, two partner anniversaries, way more than two squad birthdays and plenty of cases that had made the headlines. She'd had a child and he never even called, texted, left a voicemail, sent a card…nothing. Surely he wasn't that disconnected if he was still a detective? The big question in her mind was: where?
Olivia used the short ride to compose herself because she knew she would need plenty of patience. And, Noah needed his sleep just about as much as she needed her sanity.
Working-a-case-sleep-deprivation and Noah-screamed-all-night-sleep-deprivation were two different animals. That one she'd learned the hard way.
Olivia parked in her reserved spot just outside the apartment complex and unfolded Noah's stroller from the trunk. The cheese and bread in the undercarriage and the diapers sat in the seat. Most of the time it was the easiest way to get things upstairs.
Noah was still fast asleep and she unbuckled him as quickly and quietly as she could, avoiding too much disturbance.
Elliot appeared at her side, "I remember these apartments. You always said they made you feel fancy." He smiled, a dimple appearing, tempering Olivia's anger for a moment.
"Well, it's closer to the precinct and I never had a reason to move so, I guess it happened how it happened." She said, bringing Noah to her shoulder, and starting to maneuver the stroller through the door of her building, just as she had hundreds of times before.
Elliot held the door and the night shift doorman behind the desk waved as she and Elliot waited for the elevator.
Ding! They got in as a woman Olivia vaguely recognized got off. "So, Noah, huh? He's cute." Elliot never made small talk. It was one of the silly things she loved about him. He could act for a case but at his true self, minute things like small talk didn't seem all that significant.
"I've never met an ugly baby. Then again, he is my son, so he's cute by default." Olivia said, glancing to her shoulder, running a comforting hand up and down Noah's back.
"Cute by default?" Elliot questioned her word choice, "Liv, I don't know what you want me to say but for what it's worth, it seems me leaving and the last two years have treated you pretty well."
Now that stung. "It is what it is. Life goes on; you don't get to pick the vic." Olivia sighs, repeating Cragen's famous line. It was always a sobering thought that brought her back to reality. It was just enough to get through the elevator ride. She barely had it within herself to say more. The verbal sparring matches and loaded theory-building and the emotion-fueled looks she used to share with the man to her left were memories bygone.
Olivia unlocked the door and definitely didn't think she'd be coming home with Elliot trailing her. But she did still have her grilled cheese supplies so there was a plus side to the whole debacle.
Elliot was a plus too. It was just so unexpected and surprising, Olivia hadn't had time to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for the intense rollercoaster that was their slightly co-dependent relationship.
Olivia walked to the stove top, turning it on to melt the butter and put Noah down. Motherhood and her sergeant status taught her, more than anything, to juggle as many balls in the air as you possibly could.
Noah's room was appropriately animal-themed after Noah's Ark. And when he'd been born while one of New York's famous storms ripped through the city, it was only fitting.
"Good night, sweet boy. I love you." Olivia whispered, placing a kiss on his forehead and took the baby monitor just in case. She hardly used it anymore as Noah mostly slept through the night but she had a feeling her attentions would be directed elsewhere.
Elliot was behind the stove, stirring the butter around, "It was about to burn, and burnt butter is not as pleasant as a grilled cheese."
"Thanks." She said softly,
"Motherhood suits you. I always knew you'd be an amazing mom." Elliot smiles wide, and for some reason his comment makes her eyes well up again.
"Too bad you weren't around to see it. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, you know."
"Ok, you need to stop with the passive aggressive comments. I left because I couldn't face myself. I had one too many run-ins and it was the straw that broke the camel's back, ok? Psych eval be damned, I was selfish and a coward and didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything." Elliot explained and Olivia can hear the hurt in his voice.
"What was I supposed to do, Elliot?! I'm the one with the PTSD and the problems, you should've been the one to be by my side." Her voice somehow sounds small and grows even quieter but gets stronger as she finds her confidence again, "It's been two years! Two years! Two! What was I supposed to do?! Cragen didn't know where you were. I certainly didn't and you went off the God-given radar. How is it that we can find people in the most obscure corners of the earth but I couldn't find you. Only to see you in a Publix down the street from my apartment? You tell me that, Detective?" Olivia took a step closer, trying to analyze her best friend like she would a suspect. It was a horrible feeling.
Elliot sighed and ran a hand over his face like he had an hour ago. He decided the best way to explain himself was to be as calm as possible. It was Liv, he could do that.
"I was an absolute mess for the first six months. I didn't recognize myself. Do you know what that feels like? To look in the mirror one day and not even know who's staring back at you? To wonder where it all went wrong? Where you messed up? Or where you could've changed something, made a different choice?"
Olivia stared back at him, "Yeah, I do." It was all she could muster after Elliot's words had ripped open the scars that she'd tried so hard to forget, to heal.
"And the longer I waited, the more I convinced myself that you'd moved on. You had a new partner and a new person to take my place. You were better off without me."
Olivia rolled her eyes, his words were ridiculous to her ears. She wouldn't have made time for him? Is he kidding?
"Me leaving seemed to have given you your life back. I think I can count on my hands the number of dates you went on when we were partners. I wasn't the guy you needed and you obviously were serious enough with someone to have his child."
Elliot's words had made Olivia feel more emotions than she wanted to tonight but his last comment sent her reeling. She physically felt his words as he said them. The only thing she could think about was the pan on the stove, the butter was bubbling and a tan color at the edges; it would burn soon.
Olivia didn't answer him, she couldn't. She had words in her head but they didn't form coherent thoughts or anything resembling an answer.
So, she was going to ignore his words for as long as she could. Stall him like she'd seen Casey and Alex and a hundred other lawyers do in court. She reached for the bread and the butter dish and started making the comfort food that had turned her life upside down…again.
Elliot still knew her, like he'd ever be able to forget. He knew this conversation, or confession or whatever was currently transpiring had hit a nerve. Olivia looked numb as she busied herself with making the food that had started the whole thing.
His own groceries still sat in his trunk. The ice cream would be melted and maybe the apples brown but this was so much more important. What were the chances that they'd pick the same Publix at the same time? The same checkout lane for Pete's sake.
He decided Olivia would speak when she could formulate her words best. So, he stood next to her and started slicing the cheese.
The silence bordered the line between a somewhat comfortable, knowing quietness and a very uncomfortable, shaky one. He was still deciding which.
Olivia pulled a few paper plates out of the pantry and handed a sandwich to Elliot, both leaning against the counter.
"I think I know what you're thinking." He broke the thick silence.
"I sure hope not." Olivia said flatly,
"Liv, I can't ask you this and not sound like a Class-A jerk but who is Noah's father? I don't see any pictures of anyone around here."
"Well, you got one thing right; it's definitely none of your business. What precinct are you at? You were pretty quick with that badge of yours earlier." Olivia deflects. Surely he couldn't know. He would've said something if he'd known. He wasn't that guy, never had been and never would be.
Elliot set down his plate and stared at her with his most concerned look, asking very calmly and deliberately, "Olivia, did something happen to you after I left?" She wasn't getting out of this one.
She took a deep breath and saw the relief register in his eyes when she said, "No."
"What happened?" His voice was now the most comforting thing in the room where moments before, it had just been the most irritating. It was impossible how he could do that.
"You! You happened to me!" Olivia exclaimed and started pacing around the kitchen. "You showed up at my apartment that night and like the good partner I was, I let you cry on my shoulder. Only I didn't expect what happened…to happen." Olivia's words were now purposeful. It was as if their conversation had jarred her back to what she really had needed to say. What she thought about so many times before when she couldn't sleep.
"When did you find out?" Elliot's head was a million places at once, the room practically spinning. The thought had hit him as soon as Liv had shut down. But he'd disregarded it. She would've told him, right?
"About two or three months later. It was the standard, 'You keep throwing up, Liv' and I brushed it off as stress and the flu and the case we were working. I swear though, that case had me thinking I'd seen everything there was to see. But finally, we lost a suspect because I couldn't keep up. We started fighting and he knocked me out cold. And you know Cragen, he forced me into that ambulance with everything in him. They had to take blood for some reason and it showed up in my lab work. I was pregnant."
"I would've stayed, I would've been there." Elliot said,
"I didn't know where you were!" Olivia snaps, stressing every word,
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Elliot repeated, bringing Olivia into a warm hug, pressing a kiss to her forehead. It was not unlike the moment they'd shared two years earlier.
In his arms, Olivia finally let her guard down. With that, the floodgates crumbled and every pent up emotion came pouring out. She cried in his arms for what could've been hours. And he held her. Just like he should've all those months ago.
He was back. Finally.
It was well past midnight when Elliot tucked Olivia into bed. He held her on the kitchen floor while she cried in his arms and eventually exhausted herself.
Elliot took the baby monitor and found Noah sleeping soundly in his animal-themed room. He stood over the crib and watched his son sleep.
His son. The thought of fatherhood overwhelmed him but he couldn't be more excited. He had always wanted a big family but that dream seemed farther and farther away as each year passed. Kathy hadn't been too keen on kids due to his job and he honestly didn't blame her. He saw the scum of the earth every day; bringing a kid into that would be unfair.
Noah stirred in the bed, as if he sensed his presence and started babbling. Not wanting to wake Olivia, he picked Noah up and brought him to his chest. Noah squirmed a little bit, obviously realizing it wasn't the comfort of his mom but relaxed against him a few minutes later. Elliot just stood there and cherished the moment. He'd missed out in the first fifteen months and would not miss a day more.
Elliot moved over to the light green rocking chair in the corner and rocked slowly back and forth. The motion was so comforting he was starting to doze off himself.
After startling himself awake for the third time, Elliot decided it might be time to crash on the couch.
He set Noah back in his crib and found a spare blanket and pillow in the hall closet. While his body fell asleep almost instantly, his mind wouldn't shut off. Why did he have to leave? Why didn't he think of Olivia? Of the people he'd be up and leaving? Why couldn't he have just sucked it up and gone on like he had so many times before? Why was this the case that broke him? Why, why, why?
Elliot's internal clock woke him up at 7am sharp. He chuckled; no matter how late he'd stayed up the night before, he was always and infallibly awake. Maybe it was from the Marines, maybe it was Cragen's orders. It had just become a fact of life. However, he still stood in Olivia's apartment and she wasn't awake yet.
He decided to check on Noah and start breakfast. Food was always a good idea.
Noah settled down a few moments later when Elliot moved to the rocking chair in the corner. He relished in the feeling of his son sleeping across his chest and willed himself not to doze off again in the process.
He didn't fall asleep that time. But it did take him a solid ten minutes but he finally was able to maneuver out of that very comfortable rocking chair and into the kitchen without making much noise. Noah still seemed to be debating whether or not to fall back asleep or hang out on the new guy's shoulder.
It was sometime between the coffee starting to brew and the toast half-burning that Elliot noticed Noah had decided the latter. He was clearly awake but didn't seem to squirm or do much else.
Elliot opened the fridge once more, trying to make a decent breakfast with Olivia's meager food choices-she always had a habit of putting off grocery shopping-but after setting the orange juice on the counter, he heard a voice behind him.
"Yeah, bagels from the place down the street are looking really good right about now, aren't they?" Olivia walked into the kitchen with a yawn, running a hand through her shoulder length hair.
"Why don't you ever have any food? I have known you for almost fifteen years, and you never fail to surprise me with the lack of food you own." Elliot shook his head and shut the refrigerator door.
"They have this great thing, it's called-"
"Delivery. I know, I know." Elliot finishes the line she'd given him many times before. It was calming to know that although her life had changed, she hadn't drastically become a new person since he left. He hoped she also knew it went both ways. Sure, they'd both grown in other ways but they were still Benson and Stabler.
"I'll call the bagels in and we can talk, how 'bout that?" Olivia suggests, knowing they still had to talk about last night and every night prior.
"Sure." Elliot gave a half-smile and handed Olivia her coffee made just the way she liked it with only a splash of cream. He'd always teased her about her coffee preference. He'd never been able to drink it black. He said it kept her level-headed with the worst mankind had to offer but sweet as can be with the victims she worked with everyday. Elliot also told his internal monologue to shut off. Why was he drawing these abstract conclusions from Olivia's coffee?
Either way, they sat on the couch after Olivia quickly placed the order and there was a silence for a few moments. Then, the two year silence absolutely and completely shattered.
"You broke me." She started off quietly but blunt. It was harsh and she knew it but there wasn't any other words for what she felt.
"Liv, babe, I'm so sorry, more than you'll ever know and I—" Elliot implored. He needed her to know how he felt even if he wasn't the best with words. And where had that 'babe' come from? Where had he decided that he'd suddenly waltz back into her life unannounced and she'd welcome him back with open arms? He hadn't doubted his actions until he saw what his absence had created: a crime against the person he'd want to hurt least in this world. There was that internal monologue again.
"Let me finish." She continued, hearing Elliot's words and not at the same time. She had to say this. "I was about six months pregnant and I could've sworn on my badge I saw you in a Target. I even went up to the guy and he was sweet about it. He saw a distraught pregnant woman and let me down easy but that day ruined me. It was right after my baby shower and I had all these adorable clothes and gizmos and I went home and just cried. I shut everybody out and I cried. I cried for all the things Noah wouldn't have. Alex sat outside my bedroom door and tried to talk to me all night. That was the day that I realized you weren't coming back and probably never would. The day I realized I needed to get myself together for the sake of my baby boy and stop holding onto my old life because I was never gonna get that back. And you know, everyone thought I was absolutely crazy for holding out for as long as I did, thinking maybe today was the day you'd come walking into the squad room. Maybe you'd had your stint in computer crimes like I did." Olivia chuckled dryly, remembering the few weeks, years ago, when she and Elliot were fighting and she'd requested a transfer. "Looking back, I'm not so mad or sad or anything anymore, I have Noah and that's what matters. Am I still a little hurt? Sure. Am I still a little disappointed? Yeah, but not even at you but at myself because you left and never looked back. I was the one who held onto everything and I guess I should've realized that I needed to let go sooner. So, I'm not saying I didn't have a responsibility in it, I guess I'm just saying," Olivia paused, after finally being able to formulate her words, "what I'm saying."
Her words hung in the air between them as Olivia clutched her favorite green pillow and held her coffee mug close.
Finally, he took her mug and set it on the side table, gently taking her hands in his and just looked. He didn't stare, he just looked. Purely taking in all that Olivia's presence offered. Her caramel complexion; deep, chocolate brown eyes; her hair that was always perfect no matter what day of the week it was. She was strong and beautiful, fearless and independent, passionate and compassionate. She represented justice, hope and survival. It was all the things he'd ever loved about his Olivia. All the things that made her, her.
Elliot knew he needed to say something or Liv would go to that place in her head that tells her she's everything she's not. That no man could ever love her. That she's not worthy of someone's genuine and unconditional love.
With his eyes glassy and his voice shaky, he began, "Chemistry's a funny thing. I'm pretty sure I failed it in high school and I definitely didn't understand it when it stood me in the face for a decade. I didn't know how to handle what we had. All I knew is that I had Kathy at home who desperately needed me to be a good husband. And then I had you. And so help me, if I had lost you because we tried and it didn't work, I don't know what I would've done. If I was only able to be your partner and your best friend, I had to be ok with that. But then those last few months, I felt like everything came crashing down and was staring me in the face more than ever. It was torture going to work every day and seeing you and your gorgeous self, working your heart out for our vics, and not being able to tell you and show you how I really felt. Do you know how many times I wished it was you instead? God help me, she was gonna be the mother of my kids but Liv, I swear, I love you more than you'll ever know and I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you before now. I ruined a real good chance at what was basically the perfect life. But, if you let me, I'll try harder to make this work with you and Noah. I'll move back and we can start again because I miss you Liv, I miss you so much." Elliot seemed to finish when he brought Olivia closer to him and pressed his lips to her temple again and mumbling an 'I love you.'
Olivia sighed in a sort of strange relief and relished the feeling of being in his arms again.
He was back. Finally.
After their expressions of love and heartache, they spent the rest of the morning emotionally exhausted. They cuddled up on the couch and watched whatever police procedural was on, commenting on some of the painfully incorrect scenes. It was comfortable falling back into the swing of things; of becoming Benson and Stabler again. Noah dozed on and off and played with the array of toys in front of them.
Around two, there was a knock at the door. Olivia didn't remember having plans with anyone so Elliot answered, thinking he could easily get rid of the solicitor.
Except, it wasn't a solicitor. It was Alex.
"Holy mother of God—" Alex was genuinely speechless, a hard thing to do to a prosecutor.
Olivia took that as her cue to come to the door and tried to find the right words to explain this to Alex, who had become her 'Elliot' in his absence.
"Alex, let me try to explain." Elliot implored, following Alex into the kitchen, knowing he not only left Olivia, but he also left everyone around him.
After a long pause, Olivia reiterated Elliot's statement, interrupting Alex pouring herself a glass of wine. She just nodded, took a sip, set the glass back down and stretched against the countertop. She was still silent.
"You're just taking all this in, right?" Olivia continued,
"Yeah, it's a lot." Alex sighed out, "It's just so much stupidity that my brain is struggling to take it all in. I mean so...much...stupidity! You quit, showed up at Olivia's apartment because you are so not in love with her, knocked her up, and then screwed it up so badly that you left her alone for two years instead of giving her a ring? You dum-dum!" Alex ranted on, not unlike when she was in court.
"Dum-dum? What are we, six?" Elliot chuckled at her word usage.
"No, Elliot, we're stone-cold adults. But what you did here was so stupid that the word 'idiot' felt too sophisticated so, yes, I'm sticking with dum-dum!" Alex spat, took another sip of wine and moved toward Noah who was still marvelously entertained by his trucks and blocks strewn over the living room floor.
Alex was at Olivia's apartment quite often so Noah recognized the familiar blonde. She took off her heels and bent down to pick up the child. Alex held him protectively, as if she was shielding him from Elliot, like she was shielding him from the hurt, pain and suffering all three of them had endured.
Elliot let Alex's emotions temper for a moment before trying to explain his and Olivia's situation once more. "Alex, I've told Liv all this but I never intended to hurt anyone. I just had such a hard time coming back from all crap we've been through over the last decade. I knew that if I heard her voice, I wouldn't have been able to go through with it. And you're right, I was in love with Liv. She understood me in ways I can't even fathom. Which was why it was such torture going to work every day and seeing someone I knew I couldn't have. So I ran. Was it the best way to handle things? No, but I'm back now and I feel like that's what matters." Elliot finishes,
"Of course I'm right!" Alex exclaims, "And why couldn't you have been man enough to admit that you'd fallen for Liv and leave Kathy? I mean, it's not that hard! It's not like you guys were all sunshine and unicorns!"
Alex's language earned a small laugh from Olivia and it made her smile to see her friend defend her, even if she happened to be a prosecutor.
"It wasn't, but I also thought that if I admitted what I felt, it would be real and I'd have to face it. And if I left Kathy and Liv and I didn't work out, it would kill me because I would've lost the two people in the world who mean the most to me. And I wasn't gonna dare make Liv 'the other woman'. I knew better and she deserved way more than that—"
"Wait, wait, wait. Are you going to stand there and tell me that you wanted to treat her better?! So you thought, 'oh I'll disappear off the face of the earth to where the police can't even find me?'" Alex continued to unload her own bottled up feelings.
Elliot had learned long ago that when Alex was fixated on a point, you best let her finish or you would be the next subject of her tirade; if you weren't already.
"If you really wanted to find me, you would've." Elliot snipped, finally giving into Alex's poking and prodding.
"Elliot." Olivia warned,
"Oh, don't you dare." Alex sneered, remembering the months after Olivia's heart broke. "You know what's the worst thing about all this? The fact that those six or seven months after, I couldn't do a thing to help her. She was my best friend and I could put the worst criminals in jail but you can't charge someone for a broken heart. After all, you never know how much you depend on someone until they're not there anymore. And I, for one, am not going to make that mistake again. Not for anyone. Picking up the pieces was hard and unfair and I'm not going to do it again if I can avoid it."
The irony of it all? Noah played and babbled happily, not having a clue in the world that his little life was on the verge of turning upside...again.
"If I have to say it everyday 'till you believe me I will. I'm sorry. I swear to God I'm back. I'm not leaving any of you behind again." Elliot said, finally losing his words.
Elliot looked to Alex, Alex to Olivia and Olivia to the dueling duo before her.
"Alright! I'm asking the question no one will because might as well by now. Why now? Where does Kathy fit in this whole cluster of a situation?" Alex seemed as though the emotions flying around the room were wearing her out as well.
Elliot looked anxious to answer. It was something Olivia had desperately wanted to ask but hadn't wanted to ruin what they were repairing with their words.
"Kathy kicked me out. I caught her with some dirtbag suit from her office. She said she wanted out. Andyournamemighthavecomeupafewtimes." Elliot referred to Olivia as he mumbled his last statement, hoping not to cause another uproar.
"Elliot Stabler, you better not have come back here only because Kathy kicked you out. I am not going to ever be anyone's second choice." Olivia narrowed her eyebrows and her voice was low and stern.
"Oh, here we go again..." Alex exaggerates, rolling her eyes, and handing her half-empty wine glass to her friend. Olivia took it almost happily.
"I'm not even gonna answer that because you know full well what the answer is!" Elliot defended, suddenly feeling like he was being cross-examined.
"Do I?" Olivia huffed, her mind now swarming with new thoughts brought up by the newly discovered evidence Alex was delivering.
"I hope you know that even though we had to put a lot of our feelings on the back burner for a really long time, that doesn't mean that they lessened over time. If anything, that constant push and pull made it even more…intense?" Elliot, once again, tried to formulate his words, hoping that the two strong-willed women in front of him would realize his true intention, no matter what it seemed like.
"Ok." Olivia answered, giving only the monosyllable.
"And just so you know, nobody tried to find you like Liv did. We were this close to start pulling strings. Oh, and Fin still hates your guts." Alex gets her last dig in and Olivia gives her a knowing look.
It looked like Alex was about to bring up another point when there was another knock at the door. Twice in one day?
"Hey, Liv, open up. It's Fin! I sent Cabot over here an hour ago, you do know it's Monday, right? You better not be dying in there!" Olivia opens the door to Fin holding two coffees.
When he sees Alex and Elliot still bickering back and forth, "I guess I'm gonna need more coffees."
And there you have it!
The so much stupidity scene with Alex was fun to use. There's a similar scene from Grey's Anatomy with Abigail Spencer :)
I know this timeline is completely thrown off even though a 15 month old baby can walk and mostly talk by then. So, I changed the laws of child development for the sake of this haha ;)