Hey babes! Back again with a new story. First of all...I am so sorry for this. Don't put the blame entirely on me, though, because I was inspired to write this after reading a post someone made on tumblr about a couple of theories they had about how this season could end. So I wrote this. It sort of merges the two ideas they had into one, but that's where my muse took me. So that's what I've done.
Again, I'm so sorry.
Everything is numb. From the moment he regained consciousness everything's been numb. The world won't stop spinning, his heart won't stop pounding in his ears, and if he couldn't see the cracked concrete beneath him he wouldn't know it was there. The noise that's around him is muffled, he can't pick out one specific sound to focus on. He just needs something, anything, to help him focus, but nothing's working. And the one person who could most definitely help him focus...well, that's not an option right now.
It still hasn't hit him completely. The reality has yet to sink in. He won't let it. He can't let it. Because if he lets it sink in, if he lets himself accept what might have happened, then that means that he failed. That he couldn't keep her safe. The person he's always done everything to protect, the person he would walk through fire to protect. The same person who risked everything for him once upon a time. He'd tried to return the favor, and it ended up costing him his everything.
No. It didn't. Because it never happened that way. Everything's okay. She's okay. She's about to walk out of that building and crack some joke that will have him grinning from ear to ear. And then he'll pull her into his arms and hug her like he's never hugged her before and let himself be enveloped in her familiar coconut scent. Because she's okay. She's fine. Everything is fine. He didn't fail. He saved her. He got inside and he saved her. That has to be how it happened. He won't accept anything else.
Multiple voices break through his haze. Each one sparks something different inside him. He knows those voices. He just can't quite place where he knows them from.
He recognizes his name on their lips, though, knows that they're calling out to him as they get closer. He looks up at them from his place sitting on the pavement but doesn't say anything. How can he? He doesn't even know what he would say if he tried to speak. Doesn't think he'd be able to say anything without breaking. And he can't break. Because she's okay. She's fine. He didn't lose someone else.
Sirens and flashing lights finally make their way into his head, pull his attention away from his team and he takes notice of multiple police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances that must have arrived on the scene when his team did. People are shouting and talking over one another and it's all becoming too much. He doesn't want to be here anymore. He can't stay here. He has to leave, he has to get away.
Multiple hands are on him before he can stand and move away from the area. He struggles for a moment against their grip. Why do they want him to stay here? He doesn't want to stay here. A familiar voice joins the fray—he thinks it might be Matty—and all but forces him to be checked over by the paramedics. So he goes with them reluctantly to one of the ambulances and lets them give him a once over. He barely feels it when they poke and prod at his right shoulder, he hadn't even realized that he'd been hurt until now. But that doesn't matter, his injury is the least important thing right now.
Wheels crunching against the concrete grabs his attention and his breath catches when he's able to focus. He sees her on a stretcher, sees the bag valve mask over her face to help her breathe as they wheel her toward the nearest ambulance.
The minute he sees her it all comes rushing back, the reality hits him like a ton of bricks and he can't breathe. He just needs to get to her, to see for himself that she's okay, that he wasn't deluding himself into thinking she was okay when she wasn't.
But the paramedics are holding him down, keeping him from getting to her. He feels a pinch in his uninjured shoulder, and then everything starts to blur. As the view in front of him starts to fade, he finally speaks, finally breathes out a single word as he watches the ambulance speed away.
"Riles…"
.
.
.
Groaning at the faint pounding at the back of his head, Mac reaches up and then winces when his fingers brush against the sensitive skin of his scalp. He pushes his palms against the concrete to sit up and then looks around to get his bearings. That's when it all comes back to him.
The hushed phone conversation, the panic on her face, then the darkness in his vision. It all hits him at once. And his heart starts racing.
Quickly standing from the pavement, he stumbles for a moment and then rushes toward the run-down building in front of him. Most of the windows are boarded up, and there's graffiti littered across the faded brick. Piles of garbage and abandoned items are spread out and stacked up around the outside. No one would ever know it's the home base for a group of rogue hackers.
Stopping in front of the steel doors at the front of the building, Mac pulls on the handles but they don't budge. He tries a couple more times but still nothing. He lets go with a frustrated huff and steps back, looking around to find something he can use to get the doors open. Spotting a few things that might be just what he needs, he reaches into his pocket for his knife, his entire body freezing when he doesn't feel it. He tries his other pocket, just in case, but it still isn't there.
A fuzzy memory flashes in his mind of Riley standing closer to him than she ever has before, and it's only now that he remembers her hands on him. She must have grabbed it out of his pocket before he blacked out—or was knocked unconscious if the pain in his head is anything to go by—and ended up outside. But it doesn't make sense why she would do that. Because now she's all alone in that building and he should be in there with her.
Thankfully finding his phone still in his pocket, he pulls it out and immediately dials Riley's number, praying that she'll pick up and talk to him. He keeps the device pressed to his ear as he moves across the pavement away from the building, tilting his head back to look up toward the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of her through one that's not boarded up.
"Please tell me you're calling to say that you're safe and at home."
He lets out a breath at hearing her voice, but then his brows furrow tightly when her words register. "What? No. I'm still outside."
She groans on the other end of the line. "How are you more stubborn than I am? You were supposed to go home, Mac."
"How can I when you're still in there and still in danger? I know you took my knife, so just let me inside and I can help you."
"I took your knife so you couldn't get back in. Clearly, it worked. Now go, Mac, please."
He shakes his head even though she can't see him. "No, Riley. I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here."
"Mac, please." It almost sounds like she's crying. "I need you to leave. You can't help me with this anymore, I promise."
"Doesn't mean I can't try. Just let me inside."
It's quiet for a moment. "I can't do that, Mac. I'm sorry. I got in way over my head with this and I can't let you get caught up in it too. I know you wanted to help, and I appreciate you being here with me, but the rest of this is something that I have to do on my own." There's a pause and he can hear her breathing deeply. " I just...I need you to know how much I care about you, Mac, how much I've always cared about you. It's why I can't let you do this. I'm so sorry."
The call cuts out and it's only then that he feels the tears pricking at his eyes. He tosses his phone aside without much thought and hurries toward the building again, determined to find a way back inside, even if he doesn't have his knife to help him.
An explosion rings out before he can get close, the force of it knocking him off his feet. He lands hard, the wind getting knocked out of him and the back of his head hitting the pavement, aggravating the wound that was already there. Large plumes of smoke escaping the broken windows is the last thing he sees before his vision goes black.
Eyes shooting open, Mac sucks in a sharp breath, forcing his mind to push back the memory of recent events. Once he's a little more awake, the first thing he becomes aware of is the dull pain in his shoulder, and the sling his arm is in to prevent further injury. Then he hears a steady rhythm from beside him, the high-pitched beeping from the machine matching the beating of his heart.
Looking around, he takes in the plainness of the room, from the bare, white walls, to the minimal furniture and amenities. A hospital. He's in a hospital. And if he's in a hospital then that means…
His eyes go wide and his heart beats a little faster. "Riley."
"Mac?"
He turns toward the voice, his eyes taking a moment to focus on the person standing in the doorway. At first, all he sees is Riley; sees her hair hanging loose and curly down her back, her soft lips sporting a sweet smile, and her beautiful brown eyes shining brightly. But then the image shimmers, Riley's form fading away and revealing someone else.
A lump forms in his throat and his brows furrow slightly. "Desi?"
She moves into the room and stops next to his bedside. "How are you feeling?"
"Where's Riley?"
Desi's face falls. "Mac…"
His breathing gets heavier and he can hear the faint sound of the heart monitor increasing in speed. "Desi. Where is Riley?"
"Let me go get your doctor," she says instead, and then turns around and walks out of the room.
Mac groans in frustration, his head falling back against the pillow and his eyes closing. He knows he needs to stay in this bed, needs to stay attached to these wires and machines. But his only thought is Riley. She'd been wearing a breathing mask when he saw her last, they wouldn't put one of those on her if she was...not okay. He can't bring himself to think of her being any other way yet. Won't let himself go down that dark tunnel of thinking.
"Ah, Mr. MacGyver, glad to see you finally awake."
He opens his eyes and looks up at the middle-aged man entering the room, Desi trailing behind him, and shifts on the bed. He doesn't say anything, just listens as the doctor explains to him about his multiple injuries, most of them are superficial and will heal easily. The most serious one is his shoulder, where a piece of debris had struck him during the explosion and he'd been incredibly lucky with its placement and size. It's funny, though. He doesn't feel very lucky.
He barely even registers the doctor leaving the room. He's vaguely aware of nodding silently to whatever the man says before he leaves, and he hopes that Desi was paying attention—even though they're no longer dating he knows she still cares. There are still too many thoughts still running rampant in his mind and none of them are about his own well-being.
"Desi," he speaks up when he sees her moving toward the door.
She stops and turns back to face him but stays quiet.
"Where is everyone?" he asks, though it's not the question he really wants to be asking. She'd dodged that one the last time, so maybe if he works up to it it'll be easier.
Desi takes a few steps closer. "Matty and Bozer are busy handling the scene where the bomb went off and trying to figure out exactly what happened."
"Russ?"
She shrugs. "Not sure. He mumbled some incoherent stuff and then disappeared. He's been gone for a few hours."
Mac nods slowly. "Okay. And...and Riley?"
Desi hesitates. "Mac...you've been through a lot. You need to rest."
His jaw clenches tightly. "Desi. Please. Tell me."
"Her injuries were bad, Mac, really bad. I guess they lost her once while in the ambulance. She's been unconscious since she arrived and the doctors did what they could but they aren't sure if she'll make it through the night."
Mac's heart sinks into his stomach, his throat goes completely dry, and his vision becomes blurry within seconds. This can't be happening. She has to be okay. But she's technically still alive, right? Even though she's unconscious, there's still brain activity and basic functions like breathing. So she's still alive. She can pull through this and then she'll be okay.
"Mac?"
He blinks a few times to clear away whatever tears are gathering and struggles for a moment to swallow. "Her mom...someone needs to call Diane."
"Matty already did. She was here before the ambulance was."
He pushes himself up on the bed, wincing when he jostles his bad shoulder. "I want to see her. I want to go see Riley."
Desi shakes her head, putting a hand on him to keep him on the bed. "Mac, no, you need to rest."
"I need to see Riley. I'll find the way there myself if you don't help me."
Desi lets out a frustrated huff. "Fine. Give me a minute to get a nurse to detach you from that," she says, gesturing to the machine monitoring his heart rate.
It takes longer than he would have liked, but eventually, a nurse comes in and removes the wires from his body. She instructs him to move carefully and be mindful of his shoulder and then leaves again with a slight shake of her head.
He lets Desi lead him toward whatever room Riley is in, his heart rate increasing inside his chest as they get closer. He's so close to seeing her, to hopefully putting his mind at rest when he sees that she's okay.
Once they reach the room, he stops in the doorway. His breath catches in his throat and his eyes sting with tears. How is it possible that Riley looks so small in a hospital bed? A standard hospital blanket is covering her body, the folded edge tucked up securely under her arms. Various tubes and wires are attached to her body and connected to different machines to monitor her vitals signs. She has small cuts and beginnings of bruises marring her usually soft, perfect skin. Seeing her like this is completely breaking his heart.
His eyes drift to the side and he finds Diane sitting in a chair that she's pulled as close to the bed as she can get it. She's leaning forward, her elbows resting on the edge of the mattress as she holds one of Riley's hands tightly, her lips pressed to the back of her daughter's hand.
He takes a small step into the room. "Diane," he speaks, his voice barely above a whisper.
She looks up at him and, while he'd been preparing himself for hate or anger in her eyes for what happened to her daughter under his watch, all he sees is sadness and sympathy. Somehow that feels worse.
"I'm so sorry," he says, his voice cracking. "I...I couldn't get to her. I tried to, but I couldn't..."
Diane's out of her chair in an instant and pulling him into a hug. It's almost like he's hugging Riley. Almost. It's nice and warm, but much more motherly, and he immediately sinks into her hold. He wraps his good arm around her back and hangs on for just a moment.
When Diane pulls back, she cups one of his cheeks and smiles sadly. "I know you did everything you could. You always do."
"Could...can I…?" he trails off, afraid that if he tries to finish his question he'll just break.
She nods, releasing him from her hold. "Of course. The doctor said she can probably hear us, so I'm sure she'd love it if you talked to her."
He doesn't say anything else, simply steps past her and moves closer to the bed. He almost turns away, almost walks out because he can't take seeing her like this. But he knows he needs to do this. Knows he needs to be here.
He slowly lowers himself into the chair and grabs her hand with his good one, giving it a small squeeze. "Hey, Riles."
"I'll be in the hallway if you need anything," Diane says from behind him.
He doesn't look at her, just nods, his eyes focused on Riley's face. He swallows thickly. "Uh, I don't...I don't know what to say right now. Never thought I'd be in a situation like this, not with you. I guess I kind of always figured we wouldn't end up like this, you know? Or maybe I just hoped we wouldn't. Because I knew that if we did I wouldn't know what to do."
He looks down at their hands, wishing with everything he has that she'll squeeze his hand. Just once. But she doesn't.
His eyes trail back up to her face. "I am so sorry, Riley. I am so sorry for so many things. Do…" He swallows thickly, giving her hand a small squeeze. "Do you remember when I told you that you mean the world to me? Well, I was wrong. You don't mean the world to me, Riley, you are my world. And I should have realized it sooner." He presses his lips into a thin line, taking a second to breathe.
"We wasted so much time, you and me. But no more of that, okay? Because as soon as you wake up, we're going to talk, for real. And we're going to figure this out. Because I need you in my life, Riley. So you have to stay, alright? I can't lose anyone else. Especially not you."
Lifting the back of her hand to his lips, he presses a lingering kiss to her skin, his eyes closing as a single tear escapes and hits the blanket. He opens his eyes and looks at her, his voice soft as he speaks, "Come back to me, Riles. Just come home, okay?"
After another few moments of sitting there silently, Diane and Desi reappear with a nurse. The nurse ushers him out of the room, forcefully instructing him to go back to his own room and rest. He doesn't want to, he just wants to stay and be with Riley. But he knows that he should be resting.
Exhaustion after the day's events is finally starting to hit him and he knows he'll be asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Now that he's seen Riley, even if it's not in the way he'd hoped it'd be, he might actually be able to rest.
He's going to try to get some sleep that's not induced by a sedative, and then when he wakes up he'll see Riley again. And everything will be okay. It has to be okay. Riley has to be okay. Because he doesn't know how he'll survive if she isn't.
.
.
.
Letting the front doors fall closed behind him, Mac moves quickly through the dark, empty hallways, his eyes darting in every direction. He knows he's risking a lot by coming here, but he also knows there's a good reason for whatever's happening. Even if no one else at the Phoenix believes that, he does, and that's what's important.
Following the faint sound of voices and clicking keys, Mac pushes open a door and steps through, his eyes searching for the person he came here for. And then he sees her across the room speaking to a young woman.
"Riley."
She spins around quickly to look at him with wide eyes, her jaw dropping open. "Mac?" She steps away from the girl and moves toward him. "How did you find me?"
"I convinced one of the techs at the Phoenix to help, but I didn't tell them any details so they could have plausible deniability."
She shifts on her feet. "Okay. So what are you doing here?"
He takes a few small steps closer to her. "I'm here because while everyone else may have lost faith in you, I haven't. You don't have to tell me what you're doing if you can't or don't want to, but I trust you, Riley. And I trust that whatever you're doing, it's for a good reason. You were there for me with Codex without any hesitation, despite what everyone else said. Let me do the same for you now."
She swallows thickly and then nods. "Okay. You're sure you want to be here?"
"Positive." He gives her a small smile. "I'm not going anywhere, Riles. You're stuck with me."
She smiles. "Well, I guess being stuck with you isn't the worst thing ever."
He chuckles. "Glad to hear it. So what do you need me to do?"
She breathes deeply. "Honestly? I don't know. The coding we're doing is some pretty complicated stuff and I know I'm good, but I don't think I can teach it to you quickly enough to have you help on that front. So how would you feel about just being moral support for now?"
He smiles brightly. "Consider me your own personal cheerleader. Just tell me who needs motivation the most."
Riley smiles back. "Follow me, then." She gestures behind her and then turns around to start walking to another area of the room.
Before she can get too far, Mac reaches out to grab her hand, stopping her and spinning her around.
Her eyebrows furrow together as she glances down at their hands. "Mac?"
He opens and closes his mouth a few times, there's so much he wants to say to her. But he's not sure if it's the right time for all of that yet. So he just smiles softly. "Sorry. I just wanted you to know how glad I am that we met all those years ago and that you're still in my life after everything that's happened."
She smiles just as softly, turning her hand over to lace her fingers through his and give his hand a small squeeze. "No place I'd rather be. Now come on," she says, gesturing behind her with her head again, "you've got some hacker girls to cheer for. And I expect lots of cartwheels and ridiculous chants."
He laughs quietly as he follows behind her, his heart soaring a little when she doesn't let go of his hand until she starts walking around to help the other girls in the room. He could seriously get used to this feeling.
Slowly coming out of his slumber, Mac breathes deeply and gives his body a moment to wake up. He can feel the dull pain of his shoulder again and recognizes the sound of the machine monitoring his vital signs. So he's still in the hospital. It wasn't just some cruel nightmare. It's a cruel reality.
Taking another deep breath, Mac finally lets his eyes open. He's not expecting anyone to be there, so he's surprised when he sees Bozer sitting in one of the chairs against the wall, his head bowed and arms resting stiffly on the sides of the chair.
"Bozer?"
Mac's heart sinks as soon as he sees his best friend's red-rimmed eyes and fresh tear tracks on his cheeks. He shakes his head quickly, his breathing getting heavier and his heart starting to pound in his chest. "No. Boze...please. No."
"I'm sorry, Mac," Bozer says, his voice thick with emotion.
He curls his hand into a tight fist and leans his head back to look up at the ceiling, trying to keep his tears from falling for as long as possible. "When?" he manages to croak out.
"Not long. Diane had stepped out to get some coffee and when she came back she saw the nurses and doctors crowding Riley's bed. They did everything they could but she didn't make it. Riley's dead, Mac."
He brings his head down to look at his friend. "I need to see her."
Bozer nods, standing from his chair to help Mac out of the bed. He doesn't bother waiting on a nurse to detach the wires from his body, all he cares about is getting to see her. Just one last time.
As soon as he reaches the doorway of the room, he takes in the sight of everyone gathered together inside. Diane is sitting in a chair next to the bed sobbing while Matty runs a hand up and down her back, doing her best to comfort the woman, her own eyes red with tears. Desi and Russ stand off to the side, both of them visibly shaken but trying to not let it get the best of them. Elwood is there too, the man's eyes red and his hands fidgeting as he stands near his ex-wife.
Mac keeps standing there in the doorway, his eyes drifting to the center of the bed. The first thing he's aware of is that the tubes and wires are no longer attached to her body. And her chest is no longer moving steadily up and down.
He moves further inside the room and walks around the end of the bed to stand on the other side, taking a second to just look at her. With a deep breath he sits down on the edge and reaches out to carefully cup the back of her neck; she's still warm. He smiles sadly, thinking about how much she looks like she's just sleeping after a long and exhausting mission.
He swallows thickly, rubbing his thumb gently against her cheek. "Say hi to Jack and Leanna for me," he whispers as he leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, lingering for just a moment.
When he sits up, he turns at the sound of footsteps behind him. Bozer's there, slowly approaching, and Mac can see the hesitancy on his friend's face. So he stands and closes the distance between them, hugging him tightly.
He grips tightly to the back of his best friend's shirt, a quiet sob finally escaping him. He lets himself stay there, wrapped in his friend's embrace, unable to stop thinking about how he's never going to hug Riley again. He's never going to see her smile or hear her laugh. He's never going to feel that sense of pride he gets whenever she finds a way through a difficult hack, or when she knows exactly what he's thinking for his latest contraption before he even opens his mouth.
And he hates it. He hates it all. He wishes it's just some cruel, sick nightmare that he'll wake up from at any moment. And Riley will be right there, safe and alive. But the excruciating pain in his heart tells him that it's completely real. And he knows it's a pain that will never go away. No matter how hard he tries or how much time passes. That pain will always, always be there. It's never going to go away. No matter how much he wants it to.
.
.
.
He's been moving on autopilot since he got home from the hospital. Probably even before then. It feels almost wrong to keep going about his day and living his life. He hasn't left his house in days, has hardly slept or eaten. He can't find it in himself to care about his own health when the one person who meant everything to him is no longer around. How is he still expected to function like a normal human being when the person who always brightened his day just by entering the room is no longer there? Everything feels wrong.
The sound of the front door opening and closing echoes in his ears and he barely glances up from the mess of trinkets spread out on the coffee table in front of him. He'd tried to make something to keep himself distracted but he didn't have his knife to help him; it hadn't been found among the wreckage from the blast or on Riley when they brought her to the hospital. So he tried his best without his knife to put something together to distract himself from reality, but it didn't work. She's all that he can think about, and it still hurts.
"Why aren't you dressed?"
Turning fully toward the voice, he pulls his lips in tight. "Because I'm not going, Boze. I can't."
Bozer sighs heavily and sits down next to him, unbuttoning the front of his suit jacket as he sits. "I know this is difficult for you, Mac. But we both know that if you don't go, you're just going to regret it later and will beat yourself up about it."
He can feel his throat constricting but his eyes stay dry. He hasn't cried since the hospital. "Every person I've lost the last few years, those were all difficult. And every single time it felt like there was a piece of me that went right along with them. But this time, I…" He swallows thickly, shifting a little on the couch. "This time it's like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest. I don't know if I can be there while I feel like this."
Bozer rests a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, you won't be alone, Mac. I'll be right there with you. You can even hold my hand if you want to, I've heard that squeezing it tight enough can distract you and prevent you from crying," he says with a small smile.
The edges of Mac's lips quirk up at the memory. "Yeah," he says, letting out a small breath. "Thanks." He sits there quietly for a moment longer, his lips turning back down into a frown when he remembers how he'd nearly lost Riley on that mission. Thankfully he'd been able to save her in time; he'd been worried beyond belief when he saw her lying unconscious on the floor. And thinking back on it and knowing now how he's always felt, it makes perfect sense. He hadn't even hesitated to give some of his blood to save her. And right now he'd do anything to save her again, to have her back here, preferably in his arms so he can hold her close and feel her heart beating so he knows that she's okay. But that's not going to happen, because no matter what he does, she's not coming back. And he has to try and learn to live with that.
"Do you need another minute?"
Mac breathes deeply and looks at his friend. "Uh, no, I think I should be good. Let me go shower and change, I'll meet you outside."
Bozer nods. "Sounds good. I was gonna mention the whole shower thing 'cause you're getting kind of ripe, but I wasn't sure if I should, so I'm glad you brought it up first."
His lips twitch again and he's glad that he still has Bozer around at a time like this. Even though his friend is hurting too, Bozer somehow manages to find a way to bring a little light. If only it would last for more than a few seconds at a time before Mac finds himself falling deeper into the darkness again.
He makes himself look presentable as quickly as he can, only being slowed down a little by his injured shoulder. He'd wanted to do the bare minimum when it came to cleaning himself up, but this is for Riley and she deserves him looking like he's at his best. Even if he's still a mess on the inside.
Bozer's waiting for him in the car when he steps outside, and he pulls the door closed behind him, making sure it's locked. He's grateful for Bozer being willing to drive because Mac knows that he'd probably end up driving himself off the road from his mind drifting, as well as only having one good arm right now.
The drive is short and quiet, and Mac does his best to hold himself together. He can feel his throat getting tighter the closer they get, and he breathes slowly and deep, running his palms against the fabric of his slacks.
Once they arrive, Mac takes a moment to collect himself, and then he's climbing out of the car and following Bozer. He can feel his heart pounding and his palms are getting sweaty again. He curls his hands into fists and slides them into his pockets in hopes to keep them from shaking.
They don't walk very far before Mac sees all the people gathered together, some of them sitting in the provided chairs underneath the canopy, others standing around talking. He sees Diane and Elwood sitting next to each other, both of them mourning the loss of their only child. He sees many members of the Phoenix Foundation, Matty, Desi, and Russ among them, all grieving the loss of a friend and coworker, and hopefully regretting ever doubting her. He even sees Riley's old friend Kai who must have been given a day pass to be here, seeing as a prison guard is sitting next to her. It's nice to see so many people in attendance, to know that so many lives are going to be affected by Riley's permanent absence.
But all Mac can focus on is the elegant wooden casket at the front of the scene, and the enlarged photo of Riley on an easel next to it. It's one of his favorite photos of her, one he picked out. Diane had asked him to, told him that she wanted him to do it because she didn't think anyone else knew Riley better than he did. He'd been honored and immediately started going through all the photos he could find of Riley, both physical and digital. It'd been a no-brainer when he saw the photo.
He had taken it during one of their many team hangouts at his place after a successful mission and they were all sitting around the fire with cold beers. He can't remember the exact mission this photo was taken after, all he remembers is the moment he took it.
Bozer had been telling some long-winded crazy story from their childhood that had them all in stitches by the end of it, and Mac already had his phone out to look something up that Bozer got wrong in the story so he could show him. And then he saw Riley. Her entire face was lit up with a smile, her naturally curly hair hanging freely down her back. So he snapped a photo to capture her beauty. And then took a few more of the team so she wouldn't think it was weird if she somehow saw the single photo of her on his phone.
She never got to see the photo though. So maybe now wherever she is, she's watching them all and can finally see the photo. He loves that photo of her. And he hates that he'll never get to take any more.
Approaching the scene, Mac lets out a shaky breath, smiling tightly at the different people who greet him. He doesn't have the energy for any of this right now, but he doesn't want to be rude. They're all grieving too.
He hesitates for a moment and then approaches Riley's parents, stopping next to their seats, his hand fidgeting at his side.
Diane looks up at him before he can open his mouth to speak and smiles sadly. "Mac, hi. How are you?"
He breathes slowly. "Still not a hundred percent." He glances down and shifts on his feet. "But uh, I just wanted to extend my condolences to you both before I found a seat. I don't think I did that yet." He looks back up at them with a sad smile. "Riley...she's going to be missed by a lot of people. Every single person here knows how amazing Riley was, and that's because of you. You raised an incredible woman."
Diane smiles softly, reaching out to give his arm a gentle squeeze. "Thank you, Mac. That means a lot. Would you like to sit?" she asks, letting go of him and gesturing to the two empty seats on Elwood's other side.
Mac's eyes go wide for a split second. "Oh, no, that's okay. Bozer and I were just going to find some seats in the back with the others."
Diane shakes her head. "Nonsense. You two were Riley's closest friends, I know she'd want you to sit up here with us."
Mac swallows and then gives her a tiny hint of a smile. "Okay, then, thank you." He glances behind him to see Bozer speaking with Parker, so he moves forward to take his seat next to Riley's dad, shifting a little to get as comfortable as he can.
He fidgets as he waits, glances all around him to the various people in attendance. Most of them probably didn't know Riley as well as he did, didn't know all the little things about her that you only learn by spending so much time with someone. But at least they're here.
He turns back around when he sees movement out of his peripheral, smiling tightly at Bozer when his friend takes his seat. Neither of them speaks, just sit there silently waiting. But Mac doesn't know how much longer he can sit here. It's excruciating.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to wait much longer.
The man in charge of things stands up to address the crowd, standing behind the wooden podium that had been set up near Riley's photo. "Today we say goodbye to a beloved soul. A soul that was taken from this world far too soon. Riley will not be forgotten, as she will continue to live on in the hearts and minds of everyone here, she will live on in the stories told about her life. Our loved ones never truly leave, there's always a part of them that we keep with us, that one part that we can look back on when things get difficult and remember all the good times that were shared."
Mac swallows thickly and shifts in his seat, watching as the man finishes speaking and then invites Riley's parents up to talk. He listens attentively as they talk about Riley, about how much they loved her and how much they'll miss her. Elwood speaks about how grateful he is that he reached out when he did, that he's happy he was able to get more time with his daughter to make things right with her. Diane speaks about how Riley was the single most important person in her life, the one person she loved most in the world, and that she will always be proud of the woman she became.
Once they're back in their seats, Mac stands and takes a deep breath, smoothing out the front of his jacket. He walks behind the podium and rests his hands on the sides, ignoring the pain in his shoulder, and stares down at the ground for a moment before looking up.
"When Diane asked me to talk today I was hesitant. How could I possibly find the words to describe Riley and fit it all into just a few minutes? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there's only one phrase needed to describe Riley Davis; one of a kind."
He sees a few heads nodding in the crowd, murmurs of agreement trickling through.
Mac shifts a little on his feet. "I met Riley a few years back, was introduced to her by our late friend Jack Dalton. And from the moment I met her, I knew that Riley would make my life interesting in all the best ways. But I had no idea back then that she'd quickly become one of the most…" He swallows thickly, feeling tears stinging at his eyes. "One of the most important people in my life. We uh, we went through a lot together, and sometimes it felt like I'd known her forever. We really only knew each other a handful of years but she became so ingrained in my life that it was impossible to imagine life without her and her bright smile in it. I never thought I'd have to experience it, never thought I'd have to live in a world that Riley Davis wasn't a part of."
All the faces in front of him slowly starts to blur and his heart starts to beat faster in his chest as his breathing gets more and more shallow.
"I thought...I thought we'd have more time," he manages to get out through his labored breaths, gripping the podium tighter to keep himself upright. "There were...so many things...that I wanted to say to her. I was going to...to tell her...how I felt. Never…never got to...to tell her...that I lo—" His legs give out at the same time the dam in his eyes breaks, and he falls to the ground as hot tears stream down his cheeks. His body shakes as it's racked with sobs, letting go of everything he's been holding inside. He finally lets himself feel the utter pain and heartache of losing Riley.
Pulling his legs up, he buries his face in his knees as he cries, barely registering the arms that wrap around him. A hand rubs soothingly up and down his back, a soft voice whispering in his ear that it's okay, that he's going to be okay. It takes him a second to realize that it's Diane.
But that just makes him cry harder. Diane's grieving for her daughter, she shouldn't have to be consoling him.
Without much thought, he snakes his arms around Diane and holds onto her tightly, his eyes closing. "I didn't get to tell her how I felt about her," he whispers.
"Oh, honey, she knows," Diane says quietly. "Believe me, Riley knows exactly how you feel."
Mac isn't sure how long he stays there holding onto Diane like a lifeline, but by the time he finishes crying, he's exhausted. He just wants to go home and sleep for days. But it's not over just yet. They still have to lower Riley's casket into the ground. He's grateful they'd opted for a closed casket, knows he wouldn't survive seeing her like that again.
He sniffles a little as he stands watching the box slowly be lowered. Nothing about this is right. None of them should be here right now, none of them should be grieving and mourning. They should be smiling and laughing, and Riley should be with them, and they shouldn't be in a cemetery.
Once it's over, everyone slowly starts to disperse but Mac stays by the open grave for a little bit longer. He's grateful that there's not a headstone yet, knows that seeing it today would break him more. He knows there will be one eventually, and that he'll have to see it every time he visits, he just doesn't want to think about it.
For now, he's going to take things one day at a time. He's going to use his well-earned vacation days and take some time to himself to try his best and heal from all of this.
Stepping closer to the still open grave, Riley's casket sitting at the bottom, he looks down and smiles sadly. "I know you're gone," he says, "and I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I miss you. A lot. It's only been a week but I miss you like crazy." He swallows thickly. "I love you, Riley, so much. I wish I could have told you when you were alive, that I wasn't scared of how it would change our relationship, because your friendship meant everything to me. But I think your mom's right, you know I love you. I always have and I always will."
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a small handful of paperclips, stares at them for a moment with a sad smile, and then lets them trickle through his fingers and down into the hole, each one hitting the top of the casket with a quiet ping. "Goodbye, Riles."
.
.
.
Peering out from a perfectly found hiding spot behind a large tree, Riley watches with tears in her eyes as Mac walks away from the open grave, her open grave, and her heart aches for him. In the back of her mind she knew it would end up like this, she just didn't think she'd see him break down the way he did. She doesn't know how she could be so blind to think her death wouldn't affect him this much.
She hastily wipes at her eyes when she hears dry leaves crunching on the ground behind her. But she doesn't tear her eyes away from the scene.
"We need to go. You shouldn't have even come."
"I know," she snaps and then lets out a breath, her eyes closing for just a moment. "But I had to, I just needed to see them all one last time. Give me another minute and then I'll be ready to go."
Things go silent and she watches as Mac joins Bozer and the two of them walk toward the gate together. She watches the way Mac hangs onto Bozer like he might fall at any second. She hates that she had to do this to him, especially after hearing from Jack and Bozer what Mac was like when Nikki had supposedly died. She'd never wanted to put him through anything like that.
"If you're dwelling on your decision, it's pointless. What's done is done. There's no going back. Not now. Maybe not ever."
She sighs heavily. "Even if I did go back, they'd all probably hate me for this, especially Mac."
Riley swallows down the lump in her throat and stares at the Swiss Army Knife in her hand, the same exact one she took from Mac a week ago so he wouldn't follow her into this. She curls her hand around it tightly and forces herself not to think about Mac breaking down like he did. Because if she lets herself think about it too much, she might run to him and hug him tighter than she ever has before and apologize over and over for what she did and beg him to forgive her.
"But how he feels doesn't matter right now," she says sharply. "What matters is keeping all of them safe. And this was the first step in doing that. Because if I'd just left, Mac would have come after me in a heartbeat. He did it once, I know he'd do it again." She shakes her head and stands up a little straighter, breathing deeply and sliding the knife into her pocket. "No, this was the only option." She turns around to look at her companion, smiling despite the way her heart is still breaking. "Now, let's get to work."
So? What did you think? Let me know in a review down below. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Be honest. Who cried? Because I cried multiple times while writing this. You will get no judgement from me if you did cry. Let me know which parts hit you hardest in your feelings, I wanna know if we cried in the same spots.
Don't worry, though, I do have some happier fics in the works for these two. So stay tuned.
Until next time,
Jellybean96 out!