The sky spoke of its arrival by sending its golden colored rays through Olivia Benson's window, piercing her innermost sanctum of sleep and pulling her out of it with force. She sat awake, not even having to recall the events of the day before as she usually would - they had been with her throughout the night, hunting her dreams. As the sun spoke of its arrival, so did the sorrow that filled her heart. Noah rolled awake beside her, his golden curls a ruffled mess and his face still puffy from the soft cries that preceded his sleep. He had crawled into her bed when the time teetered between yesterday and the next, unable to find any comfort on his own. Although his mother doubted if she had succeeded in giving any to her son, it's hard to give something you don't have yourself.
Blue eyes peered into brown and Noah yawned, the rest of his small frame slinking from underneath the covers. "Your suit is laid out on top of the washer" She reminded as his feet hit the wood floor. He just nodded in response and retreated out of the room, unusual behavior for her naturally happy go-lucky son but not unexpected considering the circumstances. Her own outfit stared back at her from its post on the closet door hook, and an unauthorized sob left her lips. Today she was one family member short. Today, she had to say goodbye to John Munch.
"Come on Noah, eat just two bites." Olivia urged as she scooted a plate right underneath his chin. The eight year old only pushed it back, not with a defiant shove but with a defeated slowness, shaking his head in sync.
This had been happening ever since they had found out about his beloved Uncle Munch, which was going on a week ago now. She could count on one hand the pieces of food he had eaten after that, and a few days ago she had caught a glimpse of him as he changed shirts; His ribs were protruding far more than they should. Even now from across the table, she could make out his hollowed cheeks and pale demeanor. Death was hitting her son far harder than it should be.
She cast her gaze at her own bowl of oatmeal, suddenly not feeling too ravenous herself.
"Are you ready to go?"
Another silent nod.
"Okay, well go pee and put your shoes on."
Following her own instructions, Olivia went to the bathroom after her son, taking a moment to peek in the mirror. People often called her gorgeous but she was never one to believe them. Being deemed the spawn of satan by your own mother doesn't really encourage high self-esteem in the future. But today, as she looked on, she could understand just an inkling of what people meant when they complimented her.
She was wearing the same black dress that she had worn to that gala with Dodds, It's cut flattering the frame she'd worked so hard to maintain; and her brunette hair was softly waved and parted down the middle. Makeup was an afterthought, but the thin black eyeliner nicely accentuated the coffee colored eyes that she had cursedly inherited. Shamefully, she snapped her head away from the reflection so fast she could've gotten whiplash.
Their syncopated soles raised up a song out of the cement stairs they ascended, the tune working to tune out the many feelings swirling around Olivia's mind. But any relief found disappeared like vapor when they apexed and found themselves in the church lobby that swarmed with unfamiliar faces. She unconsciously gripped Noah's hand a little tighter and dragged them into a corner. The anxiety of the situation was suddenly making itself known and she felt a panic attack coming on. Her eyes fluttered closed as she exhaled a deep breath that didn't work. Dr Lindstorm was tisk-tisking in her imagination as she tried and failed every exercise he had given her. Maybe Rollins was right, maybe therapy was a fluke. The room was faster closing in and she would be having a very, very, public breakdown in about ten seconds… But swooping in like the loyal brother he was, Fin's gentle voice wafted through the crowd. "Liv?" She all but threw herself in his familiar arms as soon as they materialized.
"Fin…" She breathed, her voice thick "I...I can't do this."
"I know, I know…" His heart was breaking as he held her as tightly as he could. This day was hard for all of them, but Olivia was used to 'hard days' and that's what worried him. How much can one person take?
"But hey," They broke apart and the lost look in her eyes was so intense and so familiar. He swiped a brown lock away and smiled down at his closest friend. "You got up this morning, Liv, you got dressed, came here. That's the hardest part, right?"
She gulped as her mind started clocking some of the faces in the crowd. Lots of brass was here. "Is it?"
Olivia felt like a bride waiting to walk down the aisle as she stood behind the intricate wood doors that separated this small back room from the main cathedral. They were all here, the squad. Fin and Cragen flanked her on both sides, the former still supporting her with a protective arm. Noah clung to his 'Grandpa Don' like he was a lifeline. Which, in a way, the older man was. EIieen stood by her husband, whispering something in the child's ear that made him nod and smile, if only for a moment. Nick was behind the older woman, sporting a grayer beard but still the same man that she had grown so much with. Amanda, Carisi, Bille, and Jessie stood in the very front, looking like the couple that they should just officially become. And Brian…he was on the outskirts of the group. He'd cut his hair short again and she liked that - the way it made him look soft and tough all at once. Fresh tears pooled in his crystalline eyes that would be vehemently denied if pointed out. Brian, tugging at her heartstrings, looking so forlorn and so sad and so-
"Brian," She gestured, "Come here with me."
The raw relief in his eyes offset the startling surprise Olivia felt at her sudden words. She didn't seem to have much control of anything today.
Booming down like the voice of god, although it was just the MC from the sanctuary, came the announcement of their fears that cut short any ruminating either of them could do on the action.
'Please stand, as the family enters.'
The doors swung open before she was ready, before any of them were, really. The aisle that loomed before them seemed a thousand feet long. She didn't know who took the first step, maybe it was her, but she did know it took a long time before one happened. All eyes were on them and all their eyes were on it.
The coffin.
It gleamed in the early morning light that streamed through the cathedral windows. It was expertly crafted - not to bring comfort to the departed but to soothe the living. It was built with love, to be the final resting place of one who had been so adored in their lifetime. Noah only made it halfway before he was sobbing, burying his face In Cragens arms. But that was ten steps farther made than Brian, who it took both her and Fin to hold up. Olivia was glad she had not left him alone or else the only place he would have ended up was the floor. She herself couldn't breath - all the eyes on her and her eyes on Munch's eyes, closed in that goddamn coffin. His body so still, a stark juxtaposition from the highly animated life he had led. Finally, the group made it to their front row seats.
The next hour and a half went by in a blur as a plethora of characters took the stage, their voices all laced with that tone reserved for funerals, a tone Olivia hated to hear. They were saying good things - great things even - about Munch but she wished it all to be over. And it soon was. Dave Heller, a childhood friend of John's, had just finished reminiscing on their synagogue antics when Brian and Fin rose to their feet, both gesturing for her to come along. And now here she stood, slated first to say a speech she had not prepared for.
Honesty is the best policy.
"I didn't prepare for this" She began, scanning the crowd full of faces, full of eyes. "Not only for this speech but in a greater sense. I didn't prepare for this. To be at the funeral of a man I loved so dearly...Munch. That started as a professional thing, calling him by his last name, but with Munch you couldn't really stay professional for long." That elicited a laugh from everyone, giving her a moment to breathe. "He was a man of many words, conspiracy theories, bad coffee…" The breath in her lungs stuttered and tears clung to her lashes and she was trying her very best to stay together on that stage.
"But most importantly, he was a man who knew when reality was too much for a heart to bear. I can't count the number of times when he would come and just sit with me, offering support and love and kindness without uttering a single word. He was such a force in our little family." She gestured to the faces of her squad in the front row. "Now a Munch sized hole is there. But if there's one thing I learned from my time with him, it was to carry on. Thank you very much." The claps descended and she couldn't have abandoned that podium faster, passing Fin as he strode up for his turn.
Olivia glanced at the shiva spreads piled on everybody else's plates as they passed by and back at her lone glass of Jack Daniels with guilt and a little bit of disdain. Munch had requested jewish food at his funeral but she just couldn't get over the fact that it was his funeral.
"Not a fan of Knish?"
Amanda slid in the barstool next to her, cocking her head with that signature Georgia curiosity. The younger woman had changed in the past year, with her former partner's transition from detective to ADA, but who hadn't?
"I haven't been a fan of food lately." Olivia chuckled dryly.
Amanda frowned, Her blue eyes finding the glass in her bosses' grasp, the dark hued liquid nixing any hope that it could pass as water. Olivia quickly ducked her head, intercepting her view and train of thought.
"How are you? And the girls?"
Her diversion worked because she shrugged, automatically stealing a glance towards her daughters, who stood with Cragen a few paces away, over her shoulder.
"Alright, I guess. It's reality, i've gotta face it, Ya know? Jesse seems to understand the 'when people go to heaven talk' I gave her… and Billies just a baby. She won't remember him."
Amanda sighed, fixing her gaze back at the brunette, really taking her time to look at her this time. The sorrow written all over her face was in secret code, and it dawned on her how much of a privilege it was to have the tools to be able to crack it. God knows not many people could. Amanda reached over, gently unfurling an olive toned hand from around the glass and pressing it into hers.
"How are you doin'?"
Olivas' symmetric eyebrows raised in surprise at the questioning of her wellbeing. She didn't know how to answer, she really hadn't expected anyone to ask. Amanda was looking at her so oddly, as if she was reading the pages of a book. Expectant, waiting.
"Every day is a-"
"Challenge?"
Olivia bit her lip, the shame of feeling so despondent washing over her like a wave, invading the rhythms of her breathing, of her heart's beating. Threatening to drown her.
"Nightmare."
The word gives Amanda a glimpse into the dim reality of her bosses mind, and she is overcome with understanding of just how hard this is for the older woman.
"Liv…" she started, unsure of where to take the conversation from here. Suggesting she talk to someone was logicly on the tip of her tongue, but the blonde realized that after all the derogatory things she'd said about therapy, it would be hypocrite city. And before she could come up with something appropriate to say, the flash of two little heads at her feet snapped the woman's hands apart and shattered the air of vulnerability
"Mommy!" Noah and Amanda swirled at their mothers ankles in sync, though the young boy was considerably more sluggish than Jessie, a morose line etched on his lips.
Amanda couldn't help but marvel at the effortless way Olivia fabricated a new demeanor, quickly dismounting the barstool and scooping up her goddaughter, eliciting frantic giggles from the seven year old.
"Aunt Liv, that tickles!"
"It does? I didn't know you liked tickles." She teased, coping a few more before putting the bundle of fluffy teal tulle down.
Noah stepped into the conversation, his voice an sombre octave. "Mommy, can we go get some cake?" It was shocking to Amanda to see the kid this way, and one glance at Olivia told her she was worried too.
"Of course, my love." His mother approved, running a hand through his soft curls. "Do you want some Jessie?"
Amanda couldn't help but chuckle at the vigour with which her daughter nodded, her little head seemingly glitching as it rocked on her neck.
The display had the same effect on Olivia as a smile played on her lips. And for some reason, Amanda couldn't shake the feeling that she wouldn't witness another one for a long time.