I
You know, it's been a long, long road I sure ain't got no home Find your way back Leave a message with the rain (You got no place to be Find your way back
Since I packed up and left on my own
And I carry a heavy load
Just trying get back to her heart
I seem to find love where I ramble
And when it's time to go
I hear that voice again, saying
Find your way back to her heart
Find your way back
Find your way back to her heart
You can find me where the wind blows
The snow across the pain
And the frost upon the heart
Still you wonder where you're going)
And why I had to leave
I hear a voice, it says to me
Find your way back to her heart
Find your way back
Find your way back to her heart
To her heart
Find Your Way Back, Jefferson Starship
The Next Morning
The woman who everyone was calling Blair stared straight ahead in disbelief. She had been in a major, violent car accident of which she had no memory. The man in front of her-this Dr. Chidi, had described to her, in detail, the list of her injuries, and was blunt about how close she had come to dying.
It was stunning that she had been in the hospital almost three months in a coma. And yet that wasn't even the most startling revelation. The next revelation was being introduced to her son, David Charles Warner, who was perfection itself, as she held him. For the woman, it felt like the first time, crying as he was put in her arms-not an infant but over one year old now, wondering how on Earth she could ever forget this precious child.
Yet that was not even the most startling revelation to the woman who couldn't remember her own name, let alone anyone else's.
That had been when, after asking who she was, Jo Polniaczek, a very beautiful woman, with brunette hair, and blazing green eyes, had informed her that they were partners: same-sex partners who had been in a relationship for almost four years now. Her response and facial expression to the news must not have been pleasant, because Jo had left the room in tears, Blair herself feeling the particular wound as if it has been inflicted on herself.
"It's so strange", she said to a nurse during a brief moment of quiet. "All these people I've met today-my son, Jo, my mother, Jo's parents, apparently, and my little sister? They know so much about me, yet I know nothing about them, and, even worse, nothing about myself."
"We're hoping it's only temporary memory loss, Ms. Warner", the nurse had said kindly. "Right now, since you're conscious again and seemingly okay neurologically, you have to work on what you can control, which is your physical rehab."
And that would be no easy task, either, from what she had been told. Her left leg had been crushed and all but rebuilt, her pelvis had been broken in two places. All of which meant she would have to learn to walk all over again. Yet she knew, in her heart, that it would be more painful trying to recover the memories of who and what she was, and come to terms with the fact that she may never regain her memory. What would that mean for her son? For herself? For this woman Jo, who obviously loved her with all her being?
She was glad to be removed from what had seemed like an endless night of nothingness, replaced by a noisy, seemingly chaotic world, but Blair Warner was frightened about what was in store for her.
"The doctors told you this was possible, Jo", Rose Polniaczek said, comforting her daughter who was sitting in a chair in a waiting room, sobbing uncontrollably. "Blair's been through some serious neurological trauma. This is to be expected."
"Yeah, but you weren't in there when I told her, and the look she gave me, Ma", Jo said, shaking her head. "She was revolted by the idea that I was her partner. Revolted. I'm glad she instantly fell for DC all over again, but...what if she never gets over her initial reaction to me?"
Jo's father, Charlie Polniaczek had been playing with his grandson while listening to the conversation. "Honey, it's way to soon to even think about that. She's been out of an almost three month coma for a day. Imagine the confusion and fright she's going through right now-not knowing anyone around her, and finding out all this stuff about her life that she can't remember?"
"I get it, Pa", Jo insisted, "but even when we hated each other after we first met, she never looked at me like that. Never."
"As your father said, Jo, you both need to give it time. Concentrate on DC, and Blair's physical rehab. Give her mind time to heal and adjust. She's been gone for almost three months. She needs time."
"I know", Jo again explained. "But that look, God, it broke me into a million pieces."
"What did you say Edna told you just the day before Jo woke up? That somehow, the amazing love that you two share would win out? Hold on to that", her mother pleaded. "And whether Blair likes it or not", she said with a sly smile, "you're going to have to be stubborn and stick by here through all this."
"I hope you're both right", Jo lamented, "'cause right now, I'm not sure about anything."
"That's called being human, Joanna Marie Polniaczek", her mother reminded him. "Just remember that, right now, Blair doesn't even know who she is. She needs time to find that."
Four Days Later
Anyone who had been anyone in Blair Warner's life before the accident, which was, she found out quickly,a whole gaggle of people, had visited her or were on their way to visit. Even two bigwigs from a huge international corporation, apparently named after her family, had visited her. Her mother had given her information on her late father. Even though she had no memory of him at the moment, hearing how he did pulled at her heart. She counted that as a positive, because it meant there were feelings buried inside. That didn't discourage her.
What had perplexed her since that first day is that Jo Polniaczek, the woman who had introduced herself as Blair's partner, and that she was "Mama Jo" to her son David, or DC as everyone called him, had not returned to visit. Blair wasn't sure how she felt about that. She hadn't meant to hurt the woman, who was very attractive, and clearly loved Blair, but was Blair really a lesbian? She simply had no information to base how she felt.
Yet she knew she desperately wanted to talk to Jo again.
"I think, darling", her mother Monica had suggested, "that she wants to give you time to process everything that's happened over the last week? You've had a lot thrown at you, and perhaps she needs to give you the time."
"Where you and Jo close, Mother?" Some instinct had let Blair know that she had a "Mother", not a "mom", which Monica saw as a good sign.
Monica snorted a laugh. "Hardly, dear. She and I have been at odds since you met years ago at the school you both attended. You're going to re-learn some things that I've done that are not flattering, but I'm willing to face it. This whole thing has changed a lot in how I look at life-and at Jo."
"What do you see when you look at her now", Blair asked curiously.
"A strong, intelligent, stubborn, loyal woman, who isn't going to give up on you, no matter what. It took me years to see it, and almost losing you in the process, to understand that that woman loves you more than her very life, and would have traded places in a heartbeat with you." Monica softly grabbed her right hand. "You'll have to find your way back a lot on your own, but we're all here to help you, too. Just remember that?"
"I will, Mother", Blair promised, wondering if Jo would give her the chance to help them find her way back.
"Why are you ignoring Blair?"
Jo was startled when someone entered her kitchen in Peekskill, as she had been feeding David his dinner.
"Jesus, Mrs. G", Jo exclaimed, "you scared the sh...bejeebers outta me!"
"I can't believe you didn't hear me knock twice, so I let myself in", she smiled, but then turned serious again. "So answer the question: why are you avoiding Blair?"
"I wanted to give her some space to come to terms with everything. Ma reminded me that she's been through a helluva lot, and all this has to be a little overwhelming to her."
"I see", Edna said, not convinced. "Blair wants you to visit."
Jo snorted. "Yeah, right. After I told her about us..."
"She told Monica that she wants you to visit. She's upset that she clearly hurt you after she woke up."
"How can she wake up after almost three months, talk just fine, but not remember any of us? That simply blows my mind, Mrs. G."
"Our brain is a complicated, wondrous thing, isn't it? But it does happen. Jo", Edna said, taking a seat next to DC, the young boy sitting on her lap, "you and she need to talk. I know it might be difficult, but you two need to start working this out. This could only be temporary, you know?"
Jo smiled a little. "Ma and Pa told me I'll have to be stubborn and let Blair know I'm not going anywhere, no matter what."
"Smart people, your parents", Edna said with a crooked smile.
"Yeah, they are, aren't they?" She thought for a few more moment. "Maybe I should get me and DC over there and..."
"No DC", Mrs. Garrett advised her. "This isn't about you and Blair as mothers, but you and Blair as partners. She'll understand, trust me."
Jo looked pensive, but knew that Mrs. G. and her parents were right. She and Blair had always been completely honest with each other. She couldn't change that simply because her Princess had amnesia.
Blair Warner still hurt like hell from head to toe, that much was certain. Especially her leg and hip/pelvis region. She couldn't walk-it would be a long time before she could walk again, and would require a lot of rehab to get there. She was to remain at the hospital in Peekskill for another five days simply for observation, and then the decision would be made about discharging her, and turning her care over to her physician and hospital closer to home. Jo had already alerted her therapist that Blair would most likely become a patient in the near future, even if she hadn't told Blair that.
Blair was, surprisingly, alone at the moment, the plethora of visitors for once not evident. Which was fine. She didn't relish being alone with her thoughts-she was still overwhelmed about the entire ordeal-but she did need some peace and quiet.
It was broken as she heard the door to her room open. A female face tentatively peaked around the door frame.
Blair gave a tentative, awkward smile. "Well, I was wondering if you were ever going to return, Joanna."
Jo shook her head. "It's just Jo between you and me. Only your mother routinely calls me Joanna." Jo lowered her head, her heart aching as she approached Blair's bed. "I'm sorry I kinda wimped out and haven't visited recently."
"Please, Jo, sit down?" Jo did as asked. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who needs to apologize for clearly hurting you the other day. That wasn't my intention. I was just...taken aback by what you told me." She gave a lopsided smile. "This whole thing has taken me aback."
"I get it, Princess", Jo said automatically. "Still, I shoulda come back."
Blair nodded. "I'm glad you did", she added, this time her smile more genuine. "I think you and I need to have a nice long talk-actually 'talks' is more like it."
"I've been thinkin' the same thing", Jo nodded. "I just...where do we start."
Blair saw the tears in the corner of Jo's eyes, her own heart aching for the woman who clearly loved her so much.
"Well, the hospital's psychologist has said the best way is for you to fill me in about us, and hopefully, eventually, it'll come back to me."
"What if...what if it never comes back to you, Blair?" The tears finally cascaded. "I can't...I don't think..."
Blair reached out with her right hand. "Let's not even go there, Jo", she said softly. "Trust me, I want to remember my whole life-I think", she added ruefully. "Let's just take it one step, one day at a time. I've got a lot of rehab to go through, both physically and mentally. It's got to start somewhere, so why not now?"
For the next two hours, the two women-mostly Jo-talked about how they met, their growing friendship that eventually turned into love, Jo filling her in about the five years she had vanished because of that love, and how Blair had helped save her.
Jo talked about Mrs. G, Tootie, Natalie, Boots, her parents, Blair's father-everything she could think of, and of course, about their son. Through it Blair expressed shock, laughter, surprise, more than a few tears, and it was clear that despite her amnesia, her love for David hadn't wavered. They weren't alone the whole time, as a nurse or two would pop in to check on Blair, replace IV's, or give her medication.
They were both exhausted when Jo finished.
"Wow, I could write a novel about my life", Blair said with genuine wonder, which made Jo laugh sincerely. Blair cocked her head at the woman. "You have a wonderful laugh, Jo", she said kindly. Blair became serious. "I know one thing that is worrying you-one thing among many, but I can tell you this much. Whatever happens to me, whether I remember or not, or what our future may or may not hold together, I will not keep you from David", she said forcefully. "It's obvious you love him with all your heart. I may be his biological mother, but from what I've seen and heard, you're just as much his mom. Please, put that worry to rest, Jo?"
Jo sobbed again. "Thanks, blondie", she said gratefully. "That thought has been killin' me since you woke. I don't think I could deal losing both of you."
"You haven't lost anything, Jo Polniaczek. Please, give me time? I'm just starting to come to grips with how much I've lost, and how much work I'll need to do to become the woman I once was. I want to get there, but I know it'll be hard on both of us. Deal?"
Blair had not released Jo's hand, so Jo grasped it and brought it to her lips, Blair not objecting. She kissed Blair's knuckles. "Deal. Just be patient with me, too?"
Blair smiled, bringing Jo's hand to hers, kissing it. "Deal".