A/n: This is a very emotional one shot based on the Dark Tower, series 5, episode 6.

What happens if Merlin was killed when he slipped on the walk through the Perilous lands to rescue Guinevere? How will it effect his friends and will they give up on him? Sort of Merthur, definitely Merlin/ Arthur bromance.

Happy ending, don't worry, although there is still the original canon character death :(

The Perilous Lands had definitely been named appropriately. Everyone had raw, aching feet and numb toes. The knights, all in heavy, thick armour and capes, envied Merlin in his thinner jacket and shirt. But even Merlin was struggling. His cheeks were bright red, possibly from exertion, possibly from sunburn. No one complained. Not when it was Guinevere's life they were desperately trying to save. Not when their queen was at Morgana's mercy.

They'd reached an area filled with dunes and ditches. The sandy soil was dry and slippery, making it very easy to lose their footing. Most of them had stumbled at least once.

When Merlin fell, all they did for a few minutes was stare. Stare at the sword which was now stained red and pierced right through their friend's unmoving chest.

Gwaine was the first to react, taking absolutely no care with his own life as he scrambled down the bank to Merlin's side. Arthur followed barely a second after. The others stayed at the top, planting their feet firmly to help them back up.

They ignored the skeletons, all of which seemed to be staring at them, laughing at them after claiming another.

"On three," Gwaine suggested shakily.

Arthur nodded but his body was trembling in fear of what might have just happened before anyone could even call out. Together, he and Gwaine lifted Merlin off the sword and didn't even dare look at him as they hauled him back up to safety. All of the knights felt the need to support Merlin somehow as they carried him away from the horrible hills and dunes and lay him down on flat ground. Arthur's hand flew to the side of Merlin's neck to check for a pulse.

"He's alive," Arthur nearly broke down with those words but just about managed to keep himself together enough to continue, "We need to move quickly. Gwaine stay here with Merlin. We'll leave you water, do what you can. And if he's not alive when we get back-"

"I'll look after him," Gwaine's lips were pressed together tightly, "I promise."

"Let's go," Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's cheek with some amount of affection then forced himself to stand. Everyone else looked at Merlin sadly. Once before they'd left Merlin behind while he was injured to continue with their quest. They'd hated every second of it and vowed to themselves never to do it again. But then, all of Camelot had been in danger. Now it was only one person. One very valuable person, of course. Still, Arthur couldn't help but wonder if he was choosing to prioritise the right one. It was an impossible decision and if it wasn't the fact they'd come so far and the Dark Tower was now in sight, he would have been truly conflicted. But if Merlin's accident was to become a sacrifice, Arthur wouldn't have it be for nothing.

"Just hold on," he heard Leon whisper, taking him by surprise a bit.

They all knew there was no hope. They were days away from help with limited resources. And none of them knew what state they'd find Gwen in let alone what state they'd be in when they got to a place they could find somewhere to sort themselves out. But they'd pushed that down long ago. Merlin wouldn't stop for any of them. He wouldn't give up on any of them and he'd do anything to save them. So as they walked towards the tower, away from Merlin, all they could feel was fear and guilt.

They entered the tower as four. They left as four, too. They should have been returning to Camelot as seven but it was looking more and more like it would be as five. Arthur couldn't look at his wife. She was in tears, gripping onto Leon's arm as they walked beside Percival. And in Percival's arms was the body of their brother. Knowing she'd already been through too much, no one had found the courage to tell Gwen about Merlin even though they all had a horrible feeling they'd be returning to Gwaine telling them he was gone. It was too difficult to think about, let alone say out loud.

Arthur was walking at the front of the group, keeping a fast, ruthless pace. He couldn't bare the thought of not being there while Merlin died. He was terrified, completely and utterly terrified. Merlin was his best friend, he was always there, always. Since the day he'd arrived in Camelot he was the person Arthur saw most. From dawn, right until dusk. He was there even when he wasn't required to be. Hunts, fights, battles, feasts, ceremonies. As much as they joked about it, as much as Arthur teased and bullied him, Merlin was the person he trusted most in the world. The person he could never replace. They hated each other but there was no one they loved more.

And Arthur knew. He knew who Merlin was, what he did. He hated himself for being the reason Merlin was scared to be honest and he hated Merlin for not telling the truth. But he'd seen Merlin's magic and thought for a long, long time about how to deal with everything. At one point he'd even considered arresting him. But then Merlin had stumbled in with a grin on his stupid face and he'd said something adorably ridiculous like 'clotpole' and Arthur had no doubts.

If they got back to Gwaine and Merlin was dead, Arthur would never forgive himself. When they'd sent him home with Lancelot after the Dorocha attack, Arthur had accepted it would be the last time he saw his best friend. It had been painful- more painful than he could admit. But he thought he himself would be the one to die. Merlin would still have everyone at home and Arthur would have died, knowing he'd saved thousands of people. This wasn't fair. Merlin's death wouldn't have saved Gwen, it wouldn't have defeated a monster or an enemy, it wouldn't have granted them any sort of safety. It was an accident. Not heroic or brave. And Arthur would have to go home to tell Gaius that. And then ride to Elador to tell Hunith. Because he'd be damned if it was anyone else.

He'd tell them that their brave, selfless, loyal, brilliant, kind, funny, clever, strong, courageous son was dead. Impaled by the sword of a dead man. Arthur had never said thank you. Merlin died afraid that his best friend and the man he'd give anything for would have hated and killed him if he'd discovered who he really was. After everything, that was the worst thing Arthur could think of.

The second they saw Gwaine, their terror was confirmed. He was slumped over on his knees, holding Merlin's hand. Arthur ran. The silhouettes of his friends were miles away but he ignored the distance, ignored the fire in his feet and ran.

His entire body felt numb, like pins and needles in ever single muscle he had. But his heart was being stabbed, burnt, shot, broken, constricted, blown up and punched all at once. Even his tears hurt.

His first action was to grab Gwaine by his armour and pull him to his feet angrily, "You promised!" he yelled, "You promised!" He shook Gwaine violently, taking out all his pain and devastation, "What did you do?" he screamed and cried and croaked, "You promised." He was ready to punch Gwaine so hard that his face was on this inside and his brains on the out. Ready to yell at him so loudly that his ears exploded and he bled to death from the holes. But Leon was behind him and wrestled him away from Gwaine. Percival and Gwen were still a long way behind with Elyan's body but Arthur didn't wait for them.

He forced himself out of Leon's grip and fell to his knees beside Merlin. He placed one hand behind Merlin's head, lifted it slightly and pressed their foreheads together. There was no breath tickling him in return, no soft fluttering of his eyelashes, no pulse to be found anywhere. Arthur didn't think anything could hurt as much as this moment did.

"I'm so sorry," he cried, "I'm sorry you were here, sorry this happened, sorry I wasn't with you. I'm sorry Merlin."

His was weeping openly, making heart-wrenching sounds with enough tears flooding from his eyes to cause flowers to completely populate the Perilous Lands. Merlin had always seemed invincible. He was there, always there by Arthur's side. Unphased by the most dangerous of situations. Now he was gone and Arthur would never be able to joke with anyone again.

Without a word, he pressed his nose closer to Merlin's, savouring the contact and closeness. Then he took off his cloak and wrapped Merlin up in it. He stood up, gathered Merlin up in his arms and began walking, aware that Leon and Gwaine were still talking, comforting each other, and not caring that it would take at least an hour for Percival and Gwen to catch up to them whenever he decided to stop. Which, if he had it his way, wouldn't be until they were in Camelot.

It was a solemn walk. Arthur never wavered, despite carrying all of Merlin's weight. He swore never to use the phrase 'dead weight' again. Not after this journey, holding his favourite person's lifeless body in his arms. He was reliving their entire history in his mind. From the second they met, how even after mere seconds of seeing him, Merlin was already teaching Arthur that he behaved wrongly. Then he'd saved Arthur's life and from that day, Arthur had found a friend, the likes of which he'd never find again. Arthur would never listen to him, even though he was always right. Time and time again, Merlin would try, get pushed to the side and then proved right. He'd never even received a thanks.

They'd fought a dragon together, spent days on missions with no one for company but each other, faced death and laughed in its face. Merlin teased Arthur about a lot of things but he was also in charge of the most personal of tasks. Dressing him, undressing him, washing his clothes, bathing him. He'd been Arthur's wingman in his quest to woo Guinevere. He organised every picnic, every romantic gesture, even the proposal. Now it all meant nothing.

All Arthur could think about was how much Merlin had done for him and how little he'd done in return. Years ago, he'd disobeyed his father to go and find the flower which would save Merlin's life. He'd ridden out to a village in an enemy kingdom to help protect Merlin's loved ones. But since then? He never asked about Merlin, never took the time to check he was alright. Merlin knew everything about Arthur. Arthur knew nothing about Merlin. Now he never would.

"Sire."

For a second Arthur hoped it was Merlin. He was ready to turn and snap and joke and laugh at Merlin's face. He could still see every expression Merlin had ever donned. Every time he'd laughed or smiled or smirked. Even when he'd looked so hopeless and lost. He could picture every little crease of his forehead, every quirk of his eyebrows, every wrinkle around his eyes. Wrinkles that Arthur used to put down to joy but realised in horror that they actually showed age and experience he himself would never understand. Loss and pain and trauma all of which Merlin put aside for Arthur. Arthur didn't think he deserved it.

"Sire," Leon said again, "We need to stop."

"We don't stop."

"Arthur please. It'll be dark soon, we can't see a thing like that. We're tired, we're hurt. We'll never be able to navigate the forest like this. We have to stop and regroup so the others have a chance to catch up."

Arthur stopped and turned. He'd expected Gwaine to be with Leon. Last time he'd looked, before they'd set off from that cursed place where Merlin had died, the two knights had been together. But Leon was alone. He'd probably been sticking close to the king, making sure he didn't stray from the path or do something stupid. God knows where Gwaine was.

"We have time," Leon said.

He was right. They weren't rushing back to save anyone. There was no one left to be saved. Elyan was dead. Merlin was dead. They'd saved Gwen but the cost had been huge. Merlin had been closer to Arthur for longer. They shared a bond no one else could dream of understanding. There were hundreds of husbands and wives in the world. Dozens of kings and queens. But only one Arthur and Merlin. Now there wasn't even that.

Arthur's knees ceased working and he fell to the ground. Leon was there to stop him hurting himself and hold Merlin so he wasn't dropped. They were right on the border between the Perilous Lands and the Impenetrable Forest. And Arthur broke down again.

When Gwaine reached them, he sat a few yards away without saying a thing. Arthur felt vaguely guilty. But his grief was much more overwhelming. Nothing would ever be the same. Nothing would ever be right. There were no more reasons to smile, no more reasons for hope.

He wanted Merlin. So he could cook them a disgusting meal and they could all pretend it was exquisite. Then, even in the shadow of Elyan's loss, Arthur would be able to believe there was some way things could still be ok. Merlin had been a beacon of hope. Life before him had been dark and pointless. Since him it had been brighter, better. What would life after him be like? There had been a time where if you asked for Arthur, you'd get Merlin too. If you asked for Gaius, you'd get Merlin too. He was an expected accompaniment. Never out of place. Now there'd be a huge empty space where he should have been and never would be again.

"Gwaine," Arthur stumbled over and sat beside him, "I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault."

"I'm not angry with you because of that."

"But you are angry with me."

"Because he should be at home! He isn't a knight! He's a servant. The only time he should leave the palace is… is- he shouldn't! He's not- he wasn't expendable. He was the most valuable among us."

"I know."

"He was my only friend for a long time. He understood people. He understood me, gave me a life better than I'd ever expected."

"I know."

"I wish I'd never met you. Either of you. Do you know how many other taverns I could have been in that day? Then I'd never feel like this. No one's ever made me happier than Merlin did. No one's ever made me sadder either."

Arthur didn't have the capacity to be offended. He'd feel exactly the same. "Did he say anything? Wake up or…"

Gwaine considered it. Arthur could tell there was something he wanted to say. But instead he sealed his lips and shook his head. They both looked over to the red bundle which was their closest of friends. Merlin meant more to both of them than either of them could even understand themselves.

"I don't know how I'm going to live without him," Arthur admitted, dropping his usual tough, kingly exterior.

"You probably won't," the words themselves sounded like a joke. But the tone was anything but.

"I know. He protected me with his life."

"More times than I can count."

"I don't think you can count past three anyway," Arthur teased, a pathetic attempt at humour.

Gwaine still smiled, though, "Merlin would say something like that."

"Yeah. He would."

"It feels wrong. Everything feels wrong."

"It won't ever feel right again," he paused, "Will you stay?"

"What do you mean?"

"In Camelot. Will you stay?"

Gwaine nodded, "It's the only life I have worth living. I won't disgrace Merlin or Elyan's memory by going back to the taverns. They made me a knight and I wouldn't rather be anything else."

"I'd give anything to have them back."

"Even the Queen?"

Arthur looked at him sharply.

"She's why we lost them, isn't she?"

"Morgana's why we lost them," Leon corrected from where he was sitting by Merlin's side, "And if we'd left her Morgana would have killed her or tortured her until she spilled every single one of Camelot's secrets. The entire kingdom would be in danger."

"With Merlin dead we're all doomed," Gwaine whispered so quietly only Arthur heard.

"Guinevere will already be blaming herself for this," Arthur said, "Gwaine, you can have your own opinions, I don't care. Just don't voice them in front of her."

"And you?" Gwaine asked, "Who do you blame?"

"I don't-"

"If you could go back," Gwaine insisted, "And choose. Merlin and Elyan or Guinevere. Who would you choose?"

"I wouldn't ch-"

"Who?" Gwaine yelled.

"It's too late for that!" Arthur bellowed back, "They're dead! Elyan, my brother-in-law and one of my very best knights. Reliable and loyal and a truly talented fighter, faultless. And Merlin-" Arthur's voice broke, "Merlin. I couldn't save either of them even though they've saved me a thousand times between them. They're gone," he breathed, "And it doesn't matter why anymore."

"Of course it matters! If you knew what Merlin had done for you, you-"

"I do know!" Arthur screamed without thinking, "He meant more to me than he did to you."

They both shot to their feet. "How dare you!" Gwaine shouted, "You didn't spare him half a thought!"

Arthur drew his sword, "Don't even pretend to know how much he meant to me."

Before Gwaine could unsheathe his weapon too, Leon stepped in, "That's enough. Merlin and Elyan were the best of us. They were our brothers, they always will be. Let's not become enemies just because they aren't here to hold us together. Merlin's friendship was not a competition. No, we never showed him just how important he was but it's too late for that now. So stop. We made mistakes that we can't fix. Let's just make sure it doesn't happen again."

"It can't happen again," Gwaine said, "How could it?"

When Percival and Guinevere finally joined them, Leon was lighting a fire which Gwaine was sitting next to while Arthur knelt by Merlin's side. Percival lowered Elyan's body down beside Merlin and collapsed next to Gwaine at the fire. Gwen looked at her husband but he refused to meet her eyes. Gwaine's words had stuck with him more than he'd like. Was it truly Guinevere's fault that he was now mourning his best friend?

That night, he dreamt of Merlin. Of their joking conversations and also of their serious ones. Where their eyes would meet and never separate. Where they'd speak truthfully and help each other through the roughest of situations. Where, in the face of danger, Arthur would grab whichever part of Merlin's clothing he could and drag him to safety. He dreamt of the accident. Or some horrible version of the accident where Arthur had tried to reach out and grip onto Merlin and pull him back but he'd just slipped. And they'd held their eye contact right up to the point when the sword went straight through Merlin's heart.

Arthur woke up in tears. He was convinced he deserved every second of the nightmare. Since the first step Merlin took in Camelot, his life had been constantly in danger. A secret so dangerous he could have been murdered in a second if someone found out. Because that's what it would have been. It wouldn't have been a fair or justified execution. It would have been murder. Merlin wasn't an enemy. Merlin was the best man who'd ever been born.

He sat up, wiped his eyes and went over to where the bodies were. Everyone else was asleep around the fire, looking broken even when unconscious. Arthur pulled the cloak away from Merlin's face and sighed. It had barely been a day and already he looked nothing like his old self. Even in the darkness of the night, Arthur could see how ashen Merlin's skin was. How his lips were blue, his eyelids were sunken and red.

Arthur's lip quivered, "Nothing could ever be worth this," he whispered, "I didn't ever appreciate how much you meant until- oh, Merlin, I'm so sorry. Your whole life in Camelot you spent working for me or working for Gaius. You had a home in Ealdor. A peaceful life, an easy life where you'd have been surrounded by love, where you would have been safe. Instead you got stuck with me. I was so, so bad to you. I think I might have loved you Merlin. I don't know what that means. All I know is- I've lost so many people. My mother, my father, Morgana, countless knights. None of that has ever felt like this. I took you for granted. I never thought that you might ever be gone too."

He combed his hand through Merlin's hair, hating how cold his scalp felt. He could remember exactly he he's looked only a day before. Eyes bright and blue and determined to find his friend. Skin pale but rosy and alive. Lips in a fixed little smile that only dropped when no one was looking.

"You were so ready to give your life for me. I'm almost glad that it didn't end like that. This is awful, truly, truly awful. But if you'd died in place of me I'd- I don't even know. I don't want to be speaking to your body. I want to be speaking to you. I miss you. This is the most painful- now I can't even finish any sentences," he laughed dryly, "The things you do to me, Merlin.

"You should know, by the way, I know about your magic. I thought it was beautiful. And I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to talk to you. It does go both ways, though. I just can't find it in me to be angry for the secrets. I can't bear the thought of another servant. You were intolerable, of course, but perfect. I can't even remember who there was before you. You gave me the world, Merlin, and I gave you nothing. I wish things could have been different.

"I'm being selfish, I know, but I don't want to have to tell your mother, tell Gaius. Don't worry, of course, it'll be me. It can't be anyone else. You'll have a proper burial. In Camelot or Ealdor, whichever. I don't know what you would have wanted. I hope you'd have wanted Camelot. I need to be close to you even if I can't be with you. I don't even know what to say! There are no words I can use to tell you just how much I loved you and how much it's going to hurt now without you. But I hope you're at peace now. You don't have to worry about me anymore. You did your job. Thank you, Merlin."

Arthur re-covered his friend's body and wept.

"You knew?" Gwaine sat down beside him.

Arthur didn't have it in him to wipe away his tears or pull himself together.

"You knew about his magic?" Gwaine asked again, anger in his words.

"I knew," Arthur confirmed sadly, "You knew?"

Gwaine shook his head, "Not until…"

"He was dying," Arthur assumed, "You told me he didn't say anything."

"He didn't," Gwaine looked at the spot on the cloak which was directly over Merlin's face, "He just looked at me. He was clearly in so much pain but he smiled at me and took my hand and his eyes flashed gold. Suddenly I knew his every memory. Everything he'd ever done for you, for me, for Camelot. By the time I recovered and went to speak to him," he sighed, "He was gone."

Arthur didn't think he'd ever heard Gwaine sound so serious, so sad. He never spoke with such eloquence.

"He told you everything?"

"In a way. I think he wanted you to know."

"I wasn't there," Arthur choked, "I should have been there. If it was me, he'd have been there."

"I can tell you, if you want."

"I do. I know you're angry with me. For how I acted to you before, for the argument, for making Merlin live in fear for no reason. I'm angry at me too. But please don't think I didn't care for him. I did. More than anyone."

"You loved him. I heard you."

"Not like the love I have for Guinevere," Arthur said, "Stronger than that. Less romantic but so much more special."

"You killed his Guinevere."

"What?"

"The only woman he's ever loved, the woman he wanted a life with. The woman he was prepared to leave you for. Like you with Guinevere. Merlin's queen died at your hand."

Arthur's jaw dropped. That was a lot of information to take in at once.

"I don't want to be the one to tell his story. Not that it wouldn't be an honour. It's just not my story."

"He should've had the chance to tell it," Arthur agreed, "I feel like I owe everyone an apology."

"Not everyone. Only Merlin."

"But I'll never get to apologise to him."

Gwaine's face became solemn and unreadable, "I have an idea."

"What is it?"

"The Crystal Cave," Gwaine breathed.

"What's that?"

"The birthplace of magic. It was one of his memories. And Merlin is magic, so-"

"Gwaine, he's gone. We can't build up false hopes."

"Would they be false, though? This could be his only chance and he'd never give up on us."

"This isn't giving up," Arthur said, "This is letting our best friend be in peace. We have to respect the fact he's gone and not be selfish."

"It's not selfishness! Are you really going to tell me you don't want him back? When you've been crying for the past day and it hurts more than any other physical or emotional pain you know?"

"It isn't about my pain, it's about Merlin's. We don't understand magic enough to-"

"All I'm asking is that we look into it. I know he'd want to be here with you."

Arthur sighed, "I don't want to make him suffer more."

"Neither do I. But this just feels like the right thing to do."

"Alright. When we get back to the horses, you and I will take Merlin to the caves. You know where they are?"

Gwaine nodded.

"Good. We'll send the others back to Camelot to make preparations for Elyan. But we don't tell any of them the truth. We can say that we're taking Merlin's body to Ealdor to see his mother."

"That way if we fail it's only our hopes that are crushed," Gwaine took Merlin's hand through the fabric and squeezed it, "We'll do what's best for you, I promise."

"Get some sleep, Sir Gwaine."

"I'd rather stay here," he said, "I'll look after him."

"Alright," Arthur clapped Gwaine's shoulder, "Thank you. For your loyalty to Merlin."

"There aren't many people worth my loyalty," Gwaine joked, "But Merlin definitely was."

Arthur hated how they had to use the past tense now. Merlin no longer could be an 'is' or a 'will', only a 'was'. The king settled down to sleep beside Merlin. They were always by each other's sides on quests and hunts. It would be wrong to be anywhere else.

Barely a few hours later, they were all standing up and setting off into the forest. Last time they'd been there, Merlin had navigated for them. This time they had to make their own way.

When they finally got back to where they'd left the horses, Percival gently lowered Elyan's body onto one and Guinevere stood beside her brother. It suddenly occurred to Arthur that he hadn't spoken a word to her since leaving the tower. So he carefully passed Merlin over to Gwaine and went over to his wife. They kissed a little awkwardly and Arthur held her face in his hands, "I'm sorry. I love you, Guinevere, and I'll be home soon. The knights will look after you, Gaius will check you over and you can get lots of rest and hot food at home safely. I'll be with you before you know it and I'll never leave your side again."

Gwen looked between the bodies of her brother and her best friend before her eyes rested on Arthur, "Thank you for coming for me."

They hugged tightly and Arthur helped her onto one of the horses. "Look after each other," he told Percival and Leon, "We won't be long."

"Where are you going, sire?" Leon asked.

"To Ealdor. We owe Hunith a talk."

"We could come," Percival suggested.

"No. Take Guinevere to Gaius and begin making preparations for Elyan's burial. We'll be back for the ceremony."

"Do we tell Gaius about Merlin?" Leon asked uncertainly.

"Tell him what happened and that Gwaine and I are dealing with it," Arthur said, "Say nothing more. I will- I will explain properly. Just make sure he isn't alone."

"Of course, sire."

"Thank you. Go on."

Gwaine and Arthur made a fuss of taking too long to prepare their horses so that no one would see they would be riding further from Ealdor, not closer. The second it was safe, Arthur jumped up onto his horse and took Merlin from Gwaine. He was more than used to the weight now. Which really was a horrible thing. He wished his arms were still aching with the effort and that his shoulders felt like they were joints made of jelly. No one should ever be used to carrying their dead best friend.

They rode faster than they'd ever ridden before. Gwaine in front, leading the way and relying on the fleeting memory which Merlin had passed onto him to provide accurate directions. It was nearing sundown when they reached their destination. Arthur recognised the area. He'd once been injured there and Merlin had saved him.

"Let me go in alone with him," Arthur requested, "Stay with the horses, get some rest."

"No," Gwaine protested, "I-"

"Sir Gwaine," Arthur said firmly, "This is my fault. Please let me fix it or at least do everything I can to try."

"I can't let you do that."

"What do you mean?"

"To save a life another life must be taken."

Arthur stared at him.

"That's the rule," Gwaine continued, "Merlin tried once before to give his life for yours. And I know you're so full of guilt and grief that you'd give yours for his. That would be the wrong choice. You have a destiny, the pair of you. You both have to live to see that destiny through. I do not."

"No, Gwaine."

"He was my friend too. I'll gladly do this. I don't have anyone else. No family aside from a stupid, smelly sister who I haven't spoken to in years. Merlin has a mother, he has Gaius, he has you, the knights. I don't have half of that. Please, sire. It would be an honour. And you can't stop me."

"Absolutely not. You say this is about Merlin, do you really think he'll be happy about this? He doesn't want you to die for him!"

Gwaine glanced at Merlin's body which was still on the horse, "He is more important to Camelot than I."

"Gwaine, I've lost enough friends already these past few days. You'll stay out here and watch the horses and wait for me to come back, do you understand?"

"I told you, my loyalty is to Merlin, not to you or Camelot."

"This isn't up for debate."

"I know. If it comes to it, I will give my life for Merlin."

Arthur shook his head and gently lifted Merlin over his shoulder. He was more than aware that Gwaine was following them but he didn't look back. The caves were beautiful. Arthur had never seen anything so mesmerising and breath-taking. He didn't stop to admire it, though. There were more important things afoot.

Instead, with Gwaine's help, lowered Merlin to the ground in the middle of a patch of vibrant silver crystals and removed the cape.

"If there's someone here," he called out loudly, voice echoing and bouncing off every tiny surface on each of the thousands of crystals, "I need your help! Please!"

"We have Emrys!" Gwaine spoke, "He needs you."

Nothing happened. They shouted until their lungs were empty, they explored every inch of the cave. Neither of them wanted to admit they'd ever had some hope. It had felt pointless. But the very idea of getting Merlin back was enough to spark joy in their hearts. No one would ever be the same without him. They had to try. All the while, they'd told themselves not to get their hopes up. If someone was dead, they were dead, that was it. Really, they shouldn't have even tried.

"Come on," Arthur said regretfully, "Let's take him home."

Gwaine screamed and punched the wall, dislodging a few crystals as he did so. Before he could do any more damage, Arthur grabbed him, "This is a sacred place. Don't-"

"Arthur. Who's that?"

Arthur looked up. By Merlin's side, was a glowing figure. It was stroking a hand through Merlin's hair slowly. As Arthur approached, his face screwed up in confusion, "Balinor?"

"Arthur Pendragon," the ghostly man turned.

Gwaine's eyes widened as the face sparked familiarity in Merlin's memories.

"Yes, Sir Gwaine. I am who you suspect."

"You're dead," Arthur said.

"This is the birthplace of magic itself," Balinor said, "It is also the resting place. For me, a Dragonlord and sorcerer, it is where my spirit will lie."

"Forever?" Gwaine asked.

"Possibly. Thank you for bringing Merlin here."

"Can you help him?" Arthur asked desperately.

"He is long dead."

"Please," Arthur begged, "Please. I need him."

"The sword that did this," Balinor said, "It was magical?"

"No," Gwaine answered, "It was a regular, old, rusty sword."

"Then perhaps," Balinor looked around, "The caves are the source of Emrys' power. There might just be a way to-"

"Everyone keeps talking about Emrys," Arthur said, "Who is he?"

"Emrys is Merlin," Balinor said, "The greatest sorcerer of all time. The man who will guide you in your destiny."

"Will," Arthur repeated, "So you can help him."

"I'll do my very best."

"And it won't require a life in exchange?" Gwaine asked hopefully.

"A noble offer but an unnecessary one."

"What can we do to help?" Arthur asked, "Anything, we'll do anything."

"Unfortunately, all you can do is get out the way."

"And leave him with you?"

"Only Merlin can handle the power of the crystals," Balinor said, "And I need to harness every inch of power from every one. You would both be killed if you remained here. You will know when it is safe to return here to him. For now, you must trust me and get out of the cave."

Arthur looked uncertain.

"King Arthur, I am Merlin's father. If there is anyone you can trust, it is me."

"Come on," Gwaine tried for a smile, "What's he going to do? Kill him?"

Arthur scowled at him but nodded. He paused only to kneel by Merlin and stroke his cheek then press their foreheads together like he'd done a day ago when he'd first seen Merlin's body. He was crying again, unable to do anything else.

"Come on," Gwaine urged, "Let's go."

Arthur closed his eyes, forehead burning at the contact with Merlin's ice-cold skin. Then they reluctantly walked out of the caves to wait by the horses. Balinor had been right when he said they'd know when he was done. A huge, booming sound and a flash of blue light, the same blue light that the crystals glowed, erupted from the mouth of the cave. Arthur's back straightened.

"This is it," he said shakily.

"He could be alive," Gwaine was full of hope which Arthur couldn't share for his fear.

"Or-"

"Don't. Let's go."

It was difficult to run through a cave where the ground was littered with jagged rocks and crystals, all of which were now dull and barely even alight. But the pair managed what was fairly close to a run until they reached Merlin's side. He was still lying in exactly the same position they'd left him in which wasn't promising. Arthur sat down beside him and gathered him up in his arms, holding and hugging him tightly. His heart was racing, his breath coming far too fast, he'd never felt such anticipation.

"Is he alive?" Gwaine asked.

Arthur looked up at him. His silhouette was considerably more intimidating now that the glimmering of the crystals was much dimmer. "I-" In all honesty, he was too scared to check.

"Is he alive?" Gwaine repeated angrily.

With a trembling hand, Arthur pressed two fingers to Merlin's neck, "Oh my god," he burst into a fresh set of sobs.

"What?"

"He's alive," Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin even tighter and rocked a bit, "He's alive!"

Gwaine fell to his knees in relief, "We did it!"

"You owe me so many explanations," Arthur said, but it was impossible to tell if it was aimed at Merlin or Gwaine.

Merlin wasn't moving, but even in the terrible light of the caves, Arthur could see that his lips were no longer swollen and discoloured, his skin was considerably pinker and there was the slightest of shaking in his hands.

"I have restored his life," Balinor's voice came. Much like the crystals, the glow around his figure was now dull and grey instead of vibrant and blue, "His life and his power. But you have to get him home and treat that wound."

"Thank you," Gwaine stood up, "Thank you."

"I want to believe you've learned from your mistakes, Arthur Pendragon," Balinor scolded, "Do not prove me wrong."

"I have learned a lot," Arthur vowed, "I've got a lot of work to do, I know. But you have my word, I will do the right thing from now on. For Camelot, for my people and, most importantly, for Merlin." He didn't take his eyes off his friend the whole time, so he didn't know that Balinor's apparition had vanished until Gwaine stepped towards them.

"Thank you, Gwaine," Arthur said honestly, "You saved him."

Gwaine nodded, "Let's go-"

Merlin moved his head a tiny bit and mumbled, "Arthur."

Arthur's heart burst into a thousand pieces of joy and he cradled Merlin, "You're ok. You're ok," he repeated over and over again.

When Gwaine finally got them moving, Arthur held Merlin like a baby and he kept him close enough so that he could feel Merlin's heartbeat through their contact until they were in the courtyard outside the castle.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, "I need you to wake up. We're home, Merlin. We'll look after you. Gwaine, come here and help us."

With Merlin barely conscious and supported between both Arthur and Gwaine, all three of them stumbled towards the steps. Leon was there but he tripped and nearly tumbled all the way to the cobblestones below when he caught sight of Merlin.

"Alert Gaius," Arthur called to him, "We'll be there soon."

Leon turned back, stumbled over his own feet, and rushed back into the palace. Gwaine continued to mutter to Merlin encouragingly. It took a long time, but Merlin stayed upright the whole way. Gaius' face was a mix of every emotion when they opened the door to his chambers.

"The bed," he sputtered out, "Onto the bed, quickly."

Arthur watched from the side of the room as Gaius worked. He couldn't tell if it took seconds or hours, but soon, he was sitting beside Merlin, holding his hand and watching his chest move and his eyelids flutter. Listening to the soft little moans of pain and mumbles of fear. Feeling the blood pump through his veins beneath Arthur's finger. All things he feared he'd never see, hear or feel again.

Guinevere hadn't spoken a work to them since they'd returned four days ago. Even at Elyan's burial and memorial where they'd stood together regally, holding hands but not saying a word. Arthur understood. No one had explained about Merlin's magic yet. It felt wrong, given that he was still unconscious and feverish in Gaius' chambers. Everyone directly involved decided it should be Merlin's choice who found out and when. So, as far as the queen was concerned, her husband had abandoned her brother in favour of a servant. Merlin was one of her very close friends but Elyan had been the only family she had left. It was difficult, especially because she didn't know what had happened.

"How is he, Gaius?" Arthur asked as he strolled into the physician's room one morning. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't be there all the time but he made the effort to at least drop in every so often.

"It was a difficult night," Gaius looked exhausted. So did Merlin, somehow.

"Did he wake?"

"Yes but he was highly confused and delusional."

"He is going to be alright, isn't he?"

"I hope so."

"The kingdom deserves an explanation," Arthur said, "Guinevere and the knights deserve an explanation."

"I know. It was kind of you to wait so long. Merlin will appreciate it."

"How long will it take for him to get better?"

"I can't say," Gaius stood and approached Merlin's bed, "No one's ever recovered from death before."

"Do you know what happened?" Arthur asked, "How did Balinor save Merlin?"

Gaius began gathering some herbs and mushing them together, "The Crystal Cave is the source of all magic in this world," he said, "The crystals themselves hold power greater than any man, creature or being. Power only paralleled by Merlin. His magic sourced his life and his magic came from the caves. Restoring his magic, taking it from the crystals, was the only chance he had."

"I'll do things better from now on, Gaius. I promise. Perhaps, perhaps there is still a way to end this war with Morgana without any more damage."

"Perhaps. And if there is, you will find that way, I know you will."

"And if there isn't?"

"You will do what is best for your people."

"Arthur," Merlin gasped out suddenly, "Arthur!"

Arthur took Merlin's hand and hushed him, "You're alright, Merlin."

He opened his eyes slowly, as if they were the heaviest things in the world.

"Merlin," Arthur breathed.

"Morning," he croaked.

As carefully as he could, Arthur bent down and hugged Merlin who protested quietly but soon melted into the embrace. They were both in tears and shaking but didn't dare move until Gaius physically pulled them apart.

"Keep still, Merlin, let me see that wound."

"I was dead," he said, lying back.

"You're fine now," Arthur promised.

"Gwen, is she-"

"She's safe, we found her."

Merlin relaxed and let Gaius inspect the stab wound over his chest where he'd been impaled.

"What happened?" Merlin asked, "Did Gwaine tell you-"

Arthur nodded, "Merlin, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? What for?"

"So many things. You died alone and you'd never let that happen to anyone you love. I made you live in fear but still you served me with unwavering loyalty. I was so awful to you. But I'll make it up to you. I'll fix everything, I'll give you anything you want."

"I don't want anything but a fair life for people like me."

"You deserve-"

"Happy to be your servant until the day I die," Merlin recalled.

"In that case you were fired a week ago. Because you died," Arthur pretended that wasn't the most painful sentence in the world, "So what do you want?"

"To be your servant. To stay by your side and protect your useless backside and make sure you keep your promises. To make Camelot the best kingdom the world will ever know."

Arthur broke down. It was highly embarrassing and he threatened both other people in the room at the time to never speak a word of it else risk death, but he couldn't help it.

"I knew Merlin. I knew about your magic. And I was scared and confused and I said some awful things. But I would never hurt you. Not you. A king has a lot of people around him every day. People he has to be prepared to lose. People he can be strong without. But you are my- there isn't a Camelot without you. There isn't a me without you. I can't lose you. I can't bear to see you hurt or sick, I can't- Merlin, please, never you. I-"

"I understand."

"No, you don't understand! But still you forgive me because- because you're you! And I could throw things at you and insult you and kill the love if your life and the least you'd do is joke back. You've never hurt me."

"Really? I think I hurt you pretty badly when I-"

"It was my fault."

"It was no one's fault. It was an accident and-"

"Don't you dare say you're ok! Don't! Because you're not and I carried your body for two days, wondering who the hell I was going to tell first and how I was going to say goodbye to you at some sort of funeral. You never told me what you'd want after death. I didn't know whether to go to Ealdor and face your mother and tell her I'd failed you. Or to come here, bring you home. Is this even your home?"

Merlin sighed, "I never wanted to put you through that."

"No, you don't get it! It's not about me! I want you to be happy. After everything you've sacrificed, I wanted to fulfil your wishes. You deserved to be at peace. But instead, I put you through weeks of pain to recover from death just because I couldn't think of a life without you. I was so selfish!"

"You did exactly what I wanted," Merlin said, "I am destined to be by your side."

"What was it like?" Arthur cried, "To die? Was it peaceful?"

"I think that's enough for now," Gaius interjected. He'd been watching Merlin closely while he and Arthur talked and it was clear his energy was waning.

"Of course," Arthur wiped his eyes, "I am sorry, Merlin. I can't even begin to explain myself or my feelings. Just know I'm sorry."

Merlin nodded.

"And next time I see you, you owe me one massive explanation."

Merlin smirked, "Of course."

Arthur squeezed his hand, nodded a nod which conveyed a thousand messages, and stood. "Look after him, Gaius. He's a stubborn idiot."

"I'll do my best sire."

"And Merlin, enjoy these days off. They'll be the last you get for a while."