Olivia,
When I was asked to speak at your award ceremony, I had to tell them I wasn't the right choice because I owe you more than some words about your career in front of a crowd.
I wanted to reach out a long time ago. I should've. To be honest, I was waiting for Kathy to give me some kind of sign that she'd be okay with it. She was finally forgiving me for all the years of being my second choice, and I was afraid I'd ruin that if I brought you up. Then years went by, and I kept listening to that last voicemail and telling myself you were better off if I just stayed out of your life. I know it was selfish, but I let myself believe I was doing what you wanted, even though I knew deep down that I really hurt you. I wish I could go back and change how I handled everything, but all I can do is tell you how sorry I am and try to make you understand how numb I was then and how sick I felt when I finally got all of your messages and realized it was way too late to just call you back. I couldn't face you without an explanation, and I never found one. I was just a selfish coward.
As soon as I got to New York last week, I knew I couldn't handle being here without seeing you, so I called Fin, and he told me about your award. When Kathy asked me if I wanted to go, I just couldn't lie. I told her that I needed to try to make things right, and she told me she knew; she'd been expecting it. Being back here brought everything back up for both of us. You know, even after all these years, she still calls it "where Olivia is" instead of "New York." She'll say "Do you miss being where Olivia is?" or "Would you want to work where Olivia is again?" She said it that way because she wasn't asking if I missed this city. She told me that when we lived here, she felt like I was as much yours as hers. That's why we had to find a new place — so we could stay married and finish raising our kids far enough away that I didn't have the option to keep gravitating toward you instead of her.
She knows that I belonged to you for different reasons than I belonged to her. I'm sure she knew for a long time before I ever admitted it, but she still asked me when she was pregnant with Eli, and I told her the truth — that I would've been with you then if I could've. It hurt her to hear, but she let me stay with her for my son, and I was grateful enough to make it work, so I shut down any possibility with you in my mind. I hugged you goodbye the day Eli was born, and then I convinced myself that what we had was only a friendship from that point on.
Then, after what happened with Jenna, I wasn't okay, and Kathy really wanted me to retire. I didn't have any reasons not to, except you, but the truth is that if I had stayed your partner much longer, I wouldn't have been able to raise Eli with Kathy like I had promised when he was born. So I took the easy way out. I went numb. I locked up my guns and let my phone die, and I just had to believe you'd be happier in the long run, that you'd have a family. I was right about some things, even though I handled it all wrong.
I need you to forgive me, Liv. I want to fix things between us, so if you need to be angry, I can take it. Just please don't walk away like I deserve. You shouldn't have to always be better than I am, but I'm asking you to, one last time. I need you to give me a chance to make it right, to be your friend. We're setting up to move back to New York when the school year is over, and I don't know how to be home if I can't know you.
– Elliot