The characters doesn't belong to me, they belong to Marvel and anyone who has their rights - I have none, because if I had, Bucky was the one who married Steve, not Peggy.
The events here are moments in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, episode 03.
Good reading.
...
The worst moment for feelings
"He was going to hate me out, hate me in the ways I do with myself. It's that thing I can't give a damn excuse, anyways. Even if I try.
Because I try, I try to blame him for leaving, for making me believe that he was always coming back for me, but it wasn't what he did in the end. And I couldn't even feel angry, I don't remember a time when I ever felt angry with him. Well, maybe now I'm feeling it. Because if he hadn't left, nothing like this would ever happen.
He's gone now. Twice. Because what he choosed was not me, was the life he used to dream he could have instead of the life he could hold now. And then, he came one more time to say goodbye and gone forever.
All that we used to have, I don't know how to feel about that. Seems too real for I start to believe that he didn't felt the same love just because he couldn't hold on any longer. It's ok, I'm confused in this world too, weird out of time, out of place, out of everything. He had friends here, I had him.
I'm not trying to deal with this "new" world, is awkward but is fine. I'm trying to deal with the fact that he left me behind here.
...
So now what I'm doing, exactly? I should find this very disturbing if I could think better about. If I just think a bit about. And what matters if he hates me as much as I do? Wasn't in my plans to lose control about an enemy.
Enemy?
I lost my mind because of this man and it wasn't in the good ways, it wasn't even closer of the way the things are happening now.
God.
Damn.
...
I'm not afraid of losing my mind like that again, I'm fine yet I can't stop feeling guilty about my past.
This man just reminds me that I can't left my past once and for all, and still, I can look at my life and see something that worth.
Or nothing matters anymore and I'm blind.
...
Such ironic.
Steve was the one and had everything of me in my free-will. But left.
What Sam would say if he had idea of what we all have been doing? I guess I couldn't complain if he gone mad after me, even with Steve for some reason... and, of course, "mad" is just a good perspective of what it would be when it comes about Zemo.
Could Sam realizes how suffocating is this all? He's the closest of a friend that I have by now and I can't stop doing things in ways I don't think I could share with him. Is not his fault. Maybe he was right about the stupidness of letting Zemo free. Not for the hundred reasons he could though about in that moment. Maybe the doctor was right about me getting crazy, but not for all the reasons she could think about. Nobody would ever imagine this, nor even myself. I though I could just, I don't know, end up with one shot. A gun one, not other kind.
Is not a gun I'm holding right now."
###
When the bodies stroked at each other, the sounds of the loud music outside the room coverd everything that was scaping from the mouths. Words, few and disconected words between the sounds of pleasure. Nonsense words because burning in desire for an enemy was nonsense.
And Sharon's party couldn't be better for Bucky than feeling Zemo's trembling under the touch of his metal hand.
He was tired of all the time being controled and manipulated, and felt too good be on top, feeling in the control in that moment. Maybe it was just an illusion, or not so, maybe a point of view, so circunstamces could change. But, for a moment in that first night, Bucky was the one who demanded the rythim.
He left himself forget the danger, but his body knew how dangerous was that, going too deep when he still felt so broken and abandoned.
And he also forget that Zemo, in his own way, was too broken as himself. Zemo just didn't show this so easily in his face, but leave it clear when he didn't seem to care if that cold hand could tight on his neck until it kills him.
It was nothing as that happened. Not even a single move of violence.
The metal arm used to fight was the reason Bucky couldn't feel confortable around normal people. The one, until that moment, who had accepted that part of him, was Steve. Accept the inevitable was not enjoying. Far away from this, Zemo didn't hidden his pleasure in both Bucky's hands touches, equally.
...
In the party, Sam felt the hours passing without seeing his friend, and worse, without seeing their enemy. He was starting to freak out when Bucky shown up again.
- Man, where you've been? - Sam stopped the question as he observed the blushing in Bucky's face and his relaxed posture - if they needed to fight against anyone, that was not a good moment to. - Oh, right, you were finally having some fun. - The Falcon knew well what kind of thing would cause that, so he was not going to bother the other for stuff he told a lot of times that he thought Bucky needed. - Anyways, I didn't see Zemo for hours... Did you?
- Should I? - Bucky started, but though better. - Yes, the idea was mine, then I should. He's in the room we changed earlier.
- Do you think he's putting us in another trouble right now?
- Not now. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow. But who knows how wrong can I be? He is the trouble.
###
It didn't happened later in Sharon's party. And it also didn't happened in the next day. And in the flight, Sam couldn't have how to know that the men spent the last hours of the night doing all over again, until Zemo needed to sleep because he was not a Super Soldier.
Sam was also too worried with callings and his own stuff, a bit lost in his mind to notice that Zemo prepared snacks only for Bucky and himself. The Falcon was not worthy.
###
When already in Riga, Latvia's capital, Bucky started to see the chances has been broken before they even has been really built. If Steve had left people gives an end to the Winter Soldier as they wanted, Bucky would never know how could be life by his own eyes and decisions. A lot of bad decisions, he considered, but yet, his decisions.
And he was afraid of start trying to take the same road for someone who, different from himself, did everything very conscious. When was the real moment that Bucky looked at Zemo and didn't found his view of world a complete wrong thing? When some of Zemo's words started to make sense at point of Bucky wanting to avoid the problems that will end up that strange partnership too soon?
He wished that could last just a bit more.
Just enough for them both keep something from each other that was totally different of the things they though they knew. Something from each other that was worth to be kept.
Maybe, in a foolish hope, kept in heart.
###
Notes: probably not the end, but we will see what happens next in the series, so I can add Zemo's point of view or even much more.
Since Marvel is a multiverse, maybe it doesn't need to be exactly as the series goes, if I get time.
I couldn't avoid to fall for Zemo after watching the 03 episode, yet I always ship Steve X Bucky, well, Steve is dead in MCU, so...
I would appreciate reviews, ideas, conspiracy theories, craziness and stuff like this.
- Written in hours, no beta reader, so forgive me for mistakes. I'll check the wording later.
Thanks for reading!