Disclaimer: Not mine never will be - but if they were...

My Dearest Phoebe,

I'm sorry, I should have contacted you sooner but there was a reason for my silence and a reason why I left so suddenly. I know you must have a hundred questions that you would like to ask me and I'm sorry that I can't be there to answer them for you. I'm sure that when I left you were hurt and maybe angry, I want to explain why I had to go and I hope that once I do you will understand and forgive me. I expect Mom has been worrying about me, please tell her that I love her, give her a kiss for me and let her know that I'm ok.

During the seven years that Voyager was in the Delta Quadrant I thought about you every day, wondering if you were alright and whether I would ever see you again. I dreamed about the day when I would return to Earth and how happy I would be. I was certain that once I was home I would never want to leave, but the reality didn't live up to the dream

When we realised we had finally found a way back to the Alpha Quadrant we were elated, the ship buzzed with talk of home and family, plans were made and remade. Starfleet Command asked us not to attempt to contact our families saying that they would inform them of our return once Voyager had safely re-entered Federation space. They would make arrangements for us to be reunited away from the public attention that was sure to follow our return. Naturally we agreed, we were grateful that Starfleet was prepared to help us keep our reunions private. Of course, hindsight being 20:20 I should have known that there was more to it than concern for our privacy.

Two starships were waiting for us at the border. The greetings were polite but not welcoming. Captain Robek informed us that we were to be escorted to DS13 where representatives from Command were awaiting us. Seven hours later we arrived at the space station, Voyager docked and the airlocks were opened. On the other side was our welcoming party, the Station Commander, Admiral Necheyev and thirty armed guards. Can you imagine how that felt? We had spent seven years struggling to get back home and when we finally made it we were greeted like criminals. But that was just the start of the nightmare.

We were ordered to leave the ship that had become our home, the crew was separated, officers from crewmembers, maquis from fleet. Friends and families were torn apart, they even took B'Elanna's infant daughter from her, insisting that she stay with her father while B'Elanna was taken away with the rest of the former maquis. I wasn't allowed to see anyone, the questioning went on for days, endless probing into every detail of the ship's logs, every action, every decision of the last seven years. Finally it was over, and we were allowed to return to the ship. Voyager was to return to Earth where we would receive an official welcome home from the Federation President and Starfleet Command. Our families had been informed of our safe return and would be waiting for us. They expected us to thank them, to be grateful, can you believe that? They had held us and questioned us with no explanation or reassurance, they had kept the news of our return from our loved ones, and they expected us to be delighted to shake hands with the President? We went along with their plans, after all we had no choice but to do so, but all we wanted was to go home, to spend some time with our families, catching up on the missing years and getting some well earned rest. Starfleet assured us that once the official reception was over that was exactly what we would be allowed to do.

Starfleet had promised that our reunion with our families would take place in private and they were true to their word but that was the only aspect of our return to Earth that was free from the public gaze. News reporters and spectators from all over the Federation were waiting for us as we entered orbit. Voyager was given clearance to land in the grounds of Starfleet Headquarters, God knows what Boothby would have said had he still been alive to see it, the place was swarming with people and cameras all eager to witness the historic moment. The eyes of the Federation were upon us from the moment we stepped out into the California sunshine and they never left. Starfleet paraded us before the media and extolled our ability to "uphold the principles and honour of the Federation and Starfleet under the most testing of conditions". Everywhere we went we were stopped and questioned, reporters waited outside our homes and followed us into restaurants. They pursued me when I came to Indiana and after six weeks they showed no sign of losing interest. That's when I knew I had to leave. I had lost control of my life, I needed to be somewhere where I could just be Kathryn, where Voyager and the Delta Quadrant could be left behind and I could find peace.

I should have said goodbye, told you where I was going, but I was desperate to get away and afraid that if anyone knew where I was going I would be followed. And so when the opportunity came I left. Chakotay came to see me, he told me that he had found somewhere to go where he could escape from the public eye and he asked me to go with him. I didn't hesitate and we left Earth two hours later. That was five months ago and things are different now. This is a wonderful place, the people are warm and friendly, they care about those around them but they don't pry and question. When we arrived here they welcomed us into their community and helped us to feel a part of it but they never asked us where we were from or why we had come. They take little interest in events outside their homeworld and nobody knew us here, or if they did they didn't care. I have found the peace I was searching for and in doing so I have found love. Chakotay has been my strength and support for years, he has been my most trusted officer and my closest friend, but here we have had the freedom to explore our relationship and we have found completion in each other's arms. I have resigned my commission and left Starfleet. I don't think we will ever return to live on Earth, this is our home now. I have taken control of my life again and found a happiness that I never dreamed was possible.

I hope you can understand why I needed to leave, that you can forgive me and that you will come and visit us here and see for yourself the difference in me now. Captain Janeway marched to Starfleet's tune for years, but now I am Kathryn and now I can dance. The dance is new and unfamiliar but I am content to follow Chakotay's lead. If nothing else Voyager's time in the Delta Quadrant taught me that life is a dance you learn as you go.

Your loving sister,

Kathryn