I had cried so much, there were no more tears left to cry...but I still felt empty inside. Like someone had just ripped my beating heart out of my chest. I had grown so close to Glenn and Abraham - they had been like older brothers to me. They were family. And that's something I had thought I'd lost long ago...and now they were gone. And it wasn't like the other times when they always came back...
This time, they would never come back... I sniffled quietly as Negan walked around the group of us still kneeling on the ground. My boyfriend, Carl, was kneeling next to me. All that I wanted in that moment was to hold his hand - touch his skin - but I couldn't. Not with Negan watching. He couldn't know we were together.
Suddenly, he turned his dark gaze on Carl.
"Kid, right here," he said, pointing to the ground in front of him with 'Lucille".
He waited a second but Carl didn't move an inch.
"Kid...now," he demanded.
Hesitantly, Carl got up off of the ground. I made a slight sound of protest but he shot me a look, silencing me. Making a scene wouldn't accomplish anything. It would only get more people hurt. Maybe if he went willingly, Negan would go easy on him. At least, I hoped that he would.
Rick looked up as Carl came to stand in front of Negan.
"You a southpaw?" he interrogated him, taking off his belt.
"Am I a what?" Carl asked him, confused.
"You a lefty?" he clarified.
He waited a minute before answering him, "No."
Smiling, Negan arched his eyebrows.
"Good," he smiled as he began to wrap the belt around Carl's upper arm.
My heart pounded in my chest and a sinking feeling started in my stomach. Oh, no. Please, no. Someone tell me this isn't what I think it is, I thought to myself.
"That hurt?"
"No,"
"It should," Negan grinned, "It's supposed to,"
"Alright. Get down on the ground, kid. Next to Daddy," he continued, "Spread them wings,"
Negan threw his Sheriff's hat to the ground as Carl lied down on the ground. I briefly squeezed my eyes shut. My fear began to rise and it was becoming harder to breathe. What was he about do to him?!
"Simon, you got a pen?"
The man called Simon looked at Negan and nodded, "Yeah,"
He dug around in his pocket before handing him a white marker. Negan leaned down and made a mark below Carl's elbow. My heart raced and in my head, I pleaded with him to stop this insanity.
"There you go. Gives you a little leverage..."
Beside him, Rick moved around in the dirt, glancing up from time to time.
"Please, please. Please don't...please don't," he said, quietly.
"Me? I ain't doing it," Negan chuckled, getting up off the ground, "Rick, I want you to take your ax cut your son's left arm off, right on that line,"
I let out a whimper and suddenly, a hand clamped onto my arm. I looked to my right and saw Michonne, her hand gripped onto my forearm. She nodded silently to me and I knew she was trying to help me to not make a mistake. This man was unpredictable. We couldn't afford any more mistakes today, I thought to myself glumly, thinking of Daryl's outburst earlier.
"Now, I know, I know. You're gonna have to process that for a second. That makes sense. Still, though, I'm gonna need you to do it, or all these people are gonna die... Then Carl dies. Then the people back home die and then you, eventually,"
Rick looked horrified and I felt my heart sink to my stomach at the mention of Carl dying...I couldn't take that. Glenn's death was hard enough but...but Carl too? I couldn't handle that. I couldn't live through that.
"I'm gonna keep you breathing for a few years, just so you can stew on it," Negan continued.
"You-you don't have to do this. We understand, we understand. We-" Michonne started before he cut her off.
"You understand?" he roared and I flinched.
"Yeah, I'm not sure that Rick does. I'm gonna need a clean cut right there on that line. Now, I know this is a horrible thing to ask, but it's gonna have to be like a salami slice - nothing messy, clean, 45 degrees. Give us something to fold over,"
This time I did whimper and Carl's blue eye glanced over to me. He almost seemed to nod to me, like he'd accepted this fate already. I shook my head at him, tears beginning to fill my eyes.
"We got a great doctor. The kid'll be fine... Probably,"
Negan squatted down beside Rick once more, "Rick, this needs to happen now. Chop, chop!Or I will crush the little fella's skull myself,"
"NO!" I cried out and Michonne pulled me back once more.
"It can-it can be me. It can be me," Rick said, his voice hoarse as he fought to keep the tears back, Y-You can do it to me. I ca-I can go with-with you,"
Negan shook his head, "No. This is the only way. Rick pick up the ax,"
Rick stayed silent and didn't move.
"Not making a decision is a BIG decision," Negan said to Rick, grinning maliciously, "You really wanna see all these people die? You will. You will see every ugly thing,"
Rick wore a pained expression that I'd never see him wear but once before. Back when Lori died and he'd been devastated. The blood that Negan had splattered on him had dried on his cheek and his dark curly hair hung limply on his forehead.
"Are you gonna make me count?" he threatened as Rick looked around him helplessly, the tears falling freely now.
"Okay, Rick. You win! I am counting! 3!" he shouted.
Rick let out a series of strangled cries, "Please! Please! It can be me! Please!"
Hot tears ran down my cheeks and I sniffled loudly.
"2!" Negan yelled.
"Please, don't do-" Rick sobbed and Negan slapped him hard across his face.
Taking his face in his hand roughly, he forced Rick to look at him.
"This is it," he said seriously.
Rick bawled loudly as Negan shouted out the last number. His hand went to the ax.
"Dad, just do it. Just do it," Carl said resignedly, looking up at his father.
"NO! DON'T DO THIS! PLEASE!" I sobbed and instead of pulling me back, Michonne wrapped me into a hug.
I cried into her t-shirt and she held me tightly. Rick raised the ax high into the air and was about to swing it downwards when Negan squatted beside him.
"You answer to me. You provide for me. You belong to me. Right? Speak when you're spoken to! You answer to me," he bellowed, grabbing Rick's face once more.
Rick nodded fervently at his requests.
"You answer to me. You provide for me," he said again.
"Provide for you," Rick repeated.
"You belong to me, right?!" he screamed into his face.
Nodding, he answered him, "Right,"
"Right. Right. That-" Negan went on, pointing at Rick as he got up off the ground,"-is the look I wanted to see. We did it all of us, together even the dead guys on the ground,"
Fresh tears ran down my face and I wiped them away with the back of my hand.
"Today was a productive day! Now, I hope, for all your sake that you get it now, that you understand how things work. Things have changed. Whatever you had going for you...that is over now..."
After that, he took Daryl with him and loaded up the rest of his men. I waited until the vehicles took off down the road and then I stumbled over to Carl. He took me in his arms and I sobbed into his button-up t-shirt.
"I thought-I thought-" I started, barely getting the words out, "I thought he was going to-to kill you,"
He shushed me quietly, "It's alright. I'm alright... I'll never leave you..."
His calloused hands ran up and down my back soothingly. Everything had gone so terribly wrong today. It was the worst day of my life. I'd lost countless people I cared about and I'd almost lost another. But at least we were together. At least I wouldn't have to face what was to come without him.
I don't think I could handle it without Carl. But one thing was certain. Whatever was coming, we would face it together.