Title: A Massive Problem

Author: Dark Phoenix

Summary: Draco really should've known better than to take a potion with a name he couldn't translate, particularly one given to him by a notorious practical joker. To make matters worse, the Healer assigned to him is none other than Harry Potter. And Healer Potter is far more attractive than Draco remembered him being.

Pairing: Draco/Harry

Warnings: Language, mild smut

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and am making no money from this.

Notes: Yes, I'm still alive. I haven't posted anything in awhile because I don't like anything I've finished well enough to inflict it on anyone else. I think we can all agree that this past year has been a complete shitshow for everyone. Anyway, this is based on an old Drarropoly prompt (below).

Enchanted Chest of Treasures – Prompt 2. Draco is gifted an elixir from a famed Potions Master from South America, but he doesn't translate the name properly before taking it. (There was a word count along with the prompt, but I know this is way over it. Besides, that game ended over two years ago. This is just for my own amusement.)

A Massive Problem

Draco stared at the mirror in horror. Not good. This is not good.

He looked down at the potion he'd just taken, a graduation gift from his mentor at the small Wizarding university in Argentina where he'd studied after Hogwarts.

I should've known better than to trust someone named Jorge, he thought. He'd grown quite close to the Potions Master over the years, but the man did have a mischievous twinkle in his eye and a penchant for stirring up trouble. Odd for a man in his late sixties, but it certainly made for interesting lessons.

"It's important to stay sharp," he would often say after providing the class with spider eyes rather than beetle eyes or switching out a few cauldrons with the exploding variety. "You never know when something unexpected might happen."

Now that Draco thought about it, he'd had a bit of a devious smirk on his face when he'd given Draco the potion. "It will provide you with great, big happiness," he'd said with a wink. "Merlin knows you need it." And, while Draco hadn't quite been sure what the potion's name meant — it was something he'd never heard of before, and Jorge's sloppy handwriting on the label made it hard to be sure he'd even read it correctly — "big happiness" seemed harmless enough. Besides, Jorge was right; he did need it after the week he'd had. Things hadn't been going well after he'd returned to England. He'd managed to get a job with an independent brewing company, but both his coworkers and their customers still had a deep dislike for him and weren't afraid to let him know it.

Damn Jorge and his practical jokes, Draco thought. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? His eyes lowered to the prominent bulge in his trousers. I can't go out in public like this!

After measuring himself from every possible angle and changing into the baggiest pair of trousers he could find, he spent the next hour or so in a state of low-level panic and was still no closer to a solution. Scouring the library for any information about the potion or some kind of antidote was fruitless. At this point, the only thing he could think to do was cast a shrinking spell on it, and he really wasn't comfortable casting such a spell on his nether regions. He didn't want to overdo it.

Draco sighed. There was nothing for it. He was just going to have to go to St. Mungo's. Throwing his bulkiest, most figure-obscuring robes on over his Muggle clothes, he headed for the nearest Floo.

Draco had been to St. Mungo's enough times to figure out where he needed to go without having to explain his problem to the disgruntled-looking witch behind the main desk, thank Merlin. He made his way up to the Potion and Plant Poisoning ward on the third floor, where he was given a form to fill out as he waited for a Healer. Under the Complaint section, he wrote in "enlargement potion" with burning cheeks and handed it back to the receptionist. She gave him a curious look, and he could swear her eyes flicked down to his nether regions for an instant, but she mercifully said nothing before directing him to one of the rooms.

Draco sat down on the examining table and stared at the floor for several excruciating minutes before the door opened again and the Healer entered the room, skimming through Draco's chart.

"So, you took an enlargement potion? I'm afraid I'm going to need a little more information than that." The Healer lowered the chart, and Draco found himself face-to-face with Harry freaking Potter.

Potter's face did some interesting contortions for a moment before he managed to regain control of it. It would've been amusing if not for Draco's current predicament.

"So," Potter said in an odd, high-pitched tone. He cleared his throat and tried again. "So, can you tell me more about the, um, effects you're experiencing?"

Dear Merlin, this is not happening, Draco thought as he tried to stave off the panic threatening to overcome him. "Um, I took a potion," he said. "And it had rather . . . unexpected results."

Potter smirked. "Yeah, I gathered that, seeing as this is the Potions ward." He attempted to straighten his face, with less success this time. "Can you tell me what, precisely, has been enlarged?"

Draco struggled to meet his eyes. It didn't help that Potter had ditched his old glasses, making them more striking than ever. Potter was looking back with open curiosity. His gaze wandered up and down Draco's body as if trying to determine where the enlargement had taken place, lingering on his crotch the way the receptionist had. Draco felt a prickle of irritation. These people were supposed to be professionals, for Merlin's sake. They weren't supposed to snigger at his embarrassing problem.

And it was completely unfair that Potter looked this good, even though Draco knew that really had nothing to do with it. But he had grown up a lot in the years since Draco had seen him last, and it suited him. It wasn't right that he should get to witness Draco's current predicament while looking so delectable. Especially when Draco was lonely enough to think of him as being delectable in the first place.

He stood up. "Why don't you tell me?" he demanded, throwing off the robe and standing there in all his enlarged glory, evident even through the baggy trousers.

At least Potter's reaction was satisfying. His eyes bugged out and he made a series of odd sounds while Draco smirked.

"Oh. Oh. Yes, um, I can see how that, er, would be . . . er, um . . . " Potter mopped his brow, and Draco had to work to suppress a laugh. Now Potter was the one who was red-faced and unable to make eye contact.

"Can you tell me more about the potion?" Potter finally managed.

Draco handed him the bottle. "It was a gift from a friend with an . . . unusual sense of humor," he said. "He said it was for 'big happiness,' but it appears something got lost in translation."

"Well, this certainly is big—" Potter shut his eyes with a grimace. "I'm sorry. I'm not usually this unprofessional."

Draco was beginning to enjoy his awkwardness, but he still had a problem to take care of. Potter hadn't exactly been an outstanding student, at least not in Potions. "I never expected you to become a Potions expert," he said, attempting to lighten the mood as well as determine whether Potter would even be capable of solving this.

Potter laughed, looking relieved. "Neither did I. But I think it was Snape's teaching style that put me off it for so long in school. Seems like it got much easier to understand after Hogwarts, if that makes any sense." He walked over to a nearby workstation and poured a small amount of the potion into a glass tube, then began a series of experiments on it.

"Just out of curiosity, how much of this did you take?" Potter asked as he worked. "This stuff is pretty highly concentrated. Even one ounce would be effective."

"One ounce?" Draco repeated with a sinking feeling, and Potter raised a knowing eyebrow. "In my defense, Jorge's ones look an awful lot like fours," he said.

"Jorge? Your partner?"

"No, just a friend with way too much interest in my personal life," said Draco, telling himself sternly that Potter did not sound jealous.

Potter returned his attention to the potion, and Draco watched him in increasingly awkward silence. At last, Potter stepped away from the table and sat down in a chair where he proceeded to fidget and look anywhere but at Draco. "This is going to take a bit," he said after a moment. "Then, hopefully, I'll have a better idea of how this potion works and how to reverse it." He grew quiet and resumed fidgeting once more.

Draco glanced around the office as the minutes ticked by, trying not to squirm. Potter was absolutely hopeless, even if he was bloody fit. "How much longer is this going to take?" he asked when the silence grew unbearable.

As if eager to have something to do, Potter jumped up and went to check on the potion. "A few more minutes," he said.

Draco couldn't suppress a sigh. They could be waiting all day, and that wasn't even a guarantee that Potter would learn anything useful.

Potter looked annoyed. "You could go sit in the waiting room if you're bored."

Draco shot him a glare, heat prickling his cheeks. He didn't need Potter to take pity on him, but . . . he kind of did, and they both knew it. "Maybe I will," he said defiantly, sliding off the exam table.

"Oh, for the love of—" Potter stood up as well. "Just sit down. We both know you're not going anywhere. Merlin, do you always have to be so damned dramatic?"

"We don't know anything of the sort!" Draco snarled. "Maybe I'd rather take my chances out there than watch you squirm like a bloody virgin on your first date!"

"Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have taken some potion without knowing what it did!"

A timer went off, saving Draco from having to respond. Potter gave him a look of contempt before going over to check on the potion. Draco watched his shoulders sag, and he knew it wasn't going to be good.

"Well, that didn't tell me much," Potter said. "Just something vague about fulfilling the potion's purpose, whatever that is. I'd have to run further tests before I could come up with a decent antidote, and that's going to take a while."

"Great," Draco spat. "I could've done that myself." He grabbed his robes and started to leave.

"Wait!" Draco turned around hesitantly. "We can at least try to figure out what the purpose is," Potter said. He wrung his hands, staring at the floor. "Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you, all right? I know this is an awkward situation, and I didn't mean to take it out on you. Let me try to make it up to you."

Draco raised an eyebrow. Potter was apologizing to him? He was going to save this memory in his Pensieve just so he could watch it again and again.

And he really hadn't wanted to go back out in public before his problem had been cured, so he should probably thank Potter for that, too. "All right," he said magnanimously. "All is forgiven. Let's just get to the bottom of this." He saw Potter roll his eyes, but generously chose to ignore it.

"Okay," Potter said, rubbing his hands together briskly. "So this potion only affected your, uh . . . yeah. So maybe its purpose is, um . . . is, um . . . " His face was pink again, and his eyes kept darting to Draco's nether regions, then quickly away again, as though he couldn't help himself.

Draco sat on the edge of the exam table, legs wide apart. It wasn't really intentional; the massive bulk in between took up a lot of space.

"Didn't you say the person who gave you the potion said it would give you 'big happiness?'" Potter said suddenly. "Maybe he meant, um, well . . . " He glanced back between Draco's legs and swallowed hard.

Draco tried not to laugh. Potter was trying so hard not to suggest it was a sex potion, when Draco had come to that conclusion five minutes after he'd taken it. And Potter's awkwardness made Draco want to have some fun with him.

He leaned back on the table, letting his legs fall further apart, and Potter made a funny little whimpery sound. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong," said Draco.

"What do you mean?" Potter asked, looking a bit wary.

"Maybe we should forget about the potion for a bit and focus on the actual problem." He waited for Potter to catch up. When Potter's eyes started to narrow, Draco went on. "I mean, you haven't even taken a look at the affected area," he purred, spreading his legs even further.

Predictably, Potter turned bright red and began to sputter, but Draco didn't wait for him to speak. He slid off the table again and slowly unbuttoned his trousers.

"Malfoy," Potter whimpered, his eyes glued to the motion and his mouth hanging open.

Draco was beginning to enjoy himself. He started to inch the zipper down, with agonizing slowness. Potter's eyes grew wider by the second.

Potter made an inarticulate sound, and Draco paused, smiling. "Aren't you — aren't you wearing pants?" Potter asked in an unnaturally high voice. Draco couldn't help noticing him shift awkwardly, his hands moving to the front of his robes.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Potter, this thing is over two feet long. I had enough trouble fitting it into a pair of trousers."

At the words two feet long, Potter made an odd, explosive noise, like a combination of a snort and a gasp. Draco looked up at him with wide eyes. "Are you all right? You sound a little funny." He lowered the zipper a teensy bit more.

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Potter squeaked.

"Well, you're the Healer," Draco said innocently. "How do you usually examine a patient?"

Potter exhaled sharply. "Fine, fine. Would you just get on with it, then?"

At last, Draco finished unzipping and hefted his enlarged cock out of his trousers. Potter turned purple and began to adjust himself. Draco watched with delight and waited for Potter to meet his eyes.

"Potter?" Draco said. "Is my problem turning you on?"

"Not at all!" Potter hastily finished adjusting, but made no move to come closer.

"Then what are you doing all the way over there? How are you going to examine me from across the room?"

Potter stepped forward hesitantly. Draco wiggled his hips — he couldn't help himself. "So, Healer Potter," he murmured. "What's your professional opinion?"

Potter met his eyes. "You're an arsehole," he said. "That's my professional opinion."

Draco smiled. "That's very flattering, but my face hasn't been enlarged."

Potter looked down. "It is very impressive, I'll admit," he said, "but this isn't telling me any more than examining the potion. Except that you obviously need to get laid."

"Are you offering?" Draco asked, leaning closer. Potter really was fit, he thought. Draco wouldn't say no to a quick shag if Potter was amenable.

Potter choked. "Not with that monstrosity."

Draco closed his eyes momentarily, inhaling that intoxicating scent that was pure Potter. "But otherwise . . . ?"

Potter stepped back hastily. "What am I doing? I'm supposed to be a Healer, for Merlin's sake."

"Well, you're not doing much of an examination," said Draco. "You've barely glanced at it."

Potter looked down once again. "I've always known you were a massive prick," he said, sounding a bit more composed. "If you think about it, nothing's really changed."

Draco laughed. "Maybe you should touch it."

"I think you're enjoying this," said Potter. "Why don't we take pictures of it and publish them in the Daily Prophet while we're at it?"

"Scared, Potter?"

Potter rolled his eyes, but just as Draco knew he would, he reached out and took hold of Draco's enlarged cock.

Draco knew it had been awhile since he'd gotten any action, but he wasn't prepared for the powerful sensation of Potter's hand on his cock. He stumbled back against the exam table, instantly hard and making what he was sure was a variety of highly amusing sounds. Potter jerked his hand away immediately, and the feeling subsided, but not Draco's massive hard-on. "Fuck!" he cried when he was able to form coherent words. "Either you have some truly magic fingers or there's more to that potion than just enlargement."

Potter hurried to his side. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah—" Draco started to say. He stepped away from the exam table and was hit by a wave of dizziness. "I don't know. I feel a bit lightheaded."

Potter anxiously gnawed on his lower lip, his brow furrowing. "Shit. I knew this was a bad idea." He helped Draco back onto the table. His eyes flitted back and forth between Draco's face and his groin. "I don't want to sound weird or anything, but we really shouldn't leave it like this."

Draco barked out a laugh, the motion creating dark spots in front of his eyes. "I agree."

"Do — do you think I should . . . " Potter worried his lip some more. If Draco had had any blood left in his brain, he might've enjoyed the sight.

"Do whatever you have to do," he said. "Just make it quick."

"Okay." Once again, he felt Potter's hesitant hand rest on his cock. It felt just as incredible as the first time, dizziness and all. Draco was so sensitive that Potter had barely begun to stroke him before he was coming hard, crying out incoherently and vaguely hoping that Potter had cast silencing charms on his office.

After a moment, clarity began to return, enough for him to feel ashamed. He hadn't felt so out of control in his life, and, while he'd enjoyed it, he couldn't help fearing that he'd made a fool of himself in front of Potter, of all people.

When he sat up, Potter was quietly casting cleaning charms over himself and his office. Looking down, Draco saw that he'd returned to normal as well. He fastened his trousers and drew his own wand to help Potter — it was his mess, after all.

"Well, we figured out what that potion is for," Potter said in a clear attempt to lighten the mood.

"I'm sorry," Draco blurted. "I should've known better—"

"Forget it," said Potter. "If people didn't recklessly try new potions, I wouldn't have a job." He gave Draco a wry half-smile.

"You were right, I did need to get laid," Draco said. "But that's not how I normally go about it."

Potter laughed. "Same here."

Draco put his robes back on. "Thanks for your help," he said. "And for not being too much of a dick about it." He started towards the door.

"Wait!"

Draco spun around, one eyebrow raised.

"Do you, maybe, want to . . . go about it the normal way sometime?" Potter immediately turned bright red. "That's — that's not what I meant! I mean, would you—"

"I'd love to go out with you," Draco said, sparing him any further embarrassment. "And anything else you might be interested in." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"You would? Great! Why don't you owl me sometime?"

Potter looked so pleased that Draco had to smile. He leaned in close to whisper in Potter's ear. "Absolutely. But just to make it even, next time you can try the potion."

~ fin ~

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing!