AN: this is part of a personal challenge/project filling all the prompts of past Kadam weeks, and posting one every day from March 28 to May 8th, 7 prompts per year 5 previous rounds (2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 last two managed by vcg73) the first week of May 2-8 will present to you the offering for the Kadam Week 2021 you can search for more on tumblr
This is the offering to Kadam Week 2014 prompt 2: Start again
Starting again that was something that Adam had to learn to do over and over again. To the point he became very good at it.
He had to do so when, in the middle of primary school, his mom had to return to England for her new job while his dad still had his contract in New York as first violin.
He had to start again when, barely three years later, Diane Crawford had to move back to Essex because once again younger cellists were being pushed forward when contracts were to be renewed.
Only to start again when he got sent to boarding school, during his high school years because this time she had been asked to move outside the country, and Adam's German wasn't up to the point in which he could attend school in Vienna without being held back...
He started again when, after falling in love for the first time, he discovered that when a boy promises you he will one day come out for you it's not worth the heartache.
He started again when everyone told him he there were quite enough prestigious schools in the UK and there was no need to run all the way to the Americas just for a degree, as he applied and auditioned for NYADA as international student despite his dual citizenship.
He started again when he actually got accepted, on two complementing scholarships, that lowered his expenses for studying in New York to such a degree that not taking the chance would have been foolish.
He started again when, as a freshman, all alone with just his suitcases and what used to be his dad's apartment to live in, Adam founded a show choir to have a place where he could make friends without the constant scorn of people more worried about their reputation within the school, than creating a supportive network that could hold past the four, maximum six years spent within the school's halls.
He started again every time the faculty snubbed his group favouring other ones instead, relegating them in their mind as a group of misfits and broken toys that should be left on the shelf until graduation, because none of them was what the faculty considered star material.
He started again when, after looking from afar at Kurt Hummel, he took a chance and tried to invite someone so much out of his league to join his group. And discovered that Kurt was a much more approachable person than he appeared to be, especially given who he lived with.
He started again when the same Kurt Hummel, who Adam had admired since the first time he heard the other man sing, asked him out for a date.
He started again when he found himself snowbound at Kurt's place after discovering he was still falling fast and deep for Kurt. Only for Santana to rudely point out how Kurt had apparently had a fling with the ex when he went back in Lima for a wedding during S. Valentine's weekend. Even if it was before they had defined where they stood with each other.
He started again when, after the ambivalent time he spent locked inside Kurt's loft with the other two girls, he confronted Kurt asking if he was just a rebound, because he couldn't compete with a fantasy.
He started again when Kurt answered him honestly, told him he desperately wanted to move on and then accepted the hand and offer Adam presented him.
When he received from Santana Lopez a text message saying "Doctor Who if you really care for Twinkerfella come to Lima and save us all for the reenacting of the Titanic, the hobbit is going to pop the question in a way that saying no wouldn't be an option" and Adam, for the first time in his life, regretted being so good at starting again. Because he wasn't sure he knew how to hold on to Kurt and the most satisfying and equal relationship he ever had...
If there is one lesson that Kurt learnt early on was how to hold on.
The first one to teach Kurt to hold on was his dad, in those afternoons at the garage, showing a five year old boy how to correctly hold on to the tools needed to become a mechanic.
Kurt learnt to hold on, during christmas visits at Aunt Mildred's house, when his mom promised him it would pass soon and to simply hold on a little longer.
He learnt that he should hold on when he was the only boy in the ballet class his mom allowed him to take, they were all going to see and envy him when he'd grew up to be a wonderful performer.
When his mom died Kurt learnt to hold on to his dad, because he was the only family Kurt had left, and no matter how much they loved you, people could end up leaving you in a blink of an eye.
The bullies thorough all the school's years managed to beat home the point that Kurt had simply to keep holding on, because even high school would end and then he'd be out of Lima and off to college.
Getting together with his first boyfriend and meeting Sebastian Smythe taught him that he should simply hold on whatever little he got, because probably no one else who was out would ever want him anyway.
When Nyada accepted Rachel Berry after she choked on her audition and all Kurt got after being praised was a rejection letter, Kurt learnt to hold on to his dreams, because even if no one else believed in them quite just yet, he could still make them true.
When he got a job at Vogue Kurt simply had to hold on to that fantastic opportunity, even if Blaine became unhappy because Kurt had to make that opportunity work.
When Blaine came with Finn only to disclose that he had cheated on Kurt, he found himself needing to hold on to the pain he was feeling, to stick to his guns and break up with his now ex after being together for almost two years.
When during the Nyada's Winter Showcase Madame Tibideaux offered him the chance of auditioning in front of the hardest audience one could ever had as an aspiring student, Kurt had to hold on his courage, because that was a make or break occasion for his future career.
When he decided to ask Adam out, because the other man had kept complimenting him, even after Kurt had joined the Adam's Apples… He did so because he had to hold on the belief that maybe somehow the Brit was at least a little attracted to Kurt.
When he had a hook up with Blaine at the Wemma wedding that wasn't, he did it because he still found it easier to hold on to the past than to understand how to move on. Only to learn with disappointment that while it was fun it ended up making him feel even more empty, as it no longer held any meaning.
When after being snowbound together, Adam came to him asking if Kurt still loved Blaine and if he was just a rebound, Kurt had to hold on to the desire that his desperate wish to move on would be enough to not lose Adam.
When he realised that his dad was driving him to a surprise proposal that promised to be the greatest spectacle that the whole tri-state area had seen in decade, the only thing left for Kurt to do was to hold on the hope a miracle would happen. Anything that would prevent history from repeating itself. Because he already knew that if pressured Kurt wouldn't be able to say no to Blaine, because saying no always resulted in more pain and difficulties form than slowly killing himself by saying yes and bow down to Blaine's whims. And apparently, Blaine knew that as well…
And for the first time in his life, Kurt regretted being so good at holding on, because there was nothing he wished more than being able to leave Blaine in his past and start again with Adam, the only man whose love made Kurt feel like he could spread his wings and fly high into the sky, rather than being chained down to the ground.
Adam didn't know if he was going to be late or not. What he did know was that for once in his life, he was willing to seriously put all he had on the line. It was going to be a huge gamble but the stakes were high. Hoping that Kurt would find him and the tenuous relationship that was slowly growing between them, worth the risk of throwing away over the three years of shared history Kurt had with Blaine.
Because if Adam had the ex pegged down correctly, he was the kind of guy who wanted to dictated how everything was going to happen, and especially the kind of guy who couldn't stand when anyone but him got something.
And if by any chance Kurt was to pick Adam rather than Blaine, it was more than likely that the other guy would throw a fit and destroy all he and Kurt had before, uncaring of the damage it could do.
Kurt had been honest with him, he had said that he desperately wanted to move on, and that he didn't know how to start again, and Adam had been overconfident, for he was an expert in starting again. But Kurt, Kurt was an expert at holding on, which was exactly what had got in their way.
But now Santana, the girl who seemed dead set in wanting to see Kurt's relationship with him fail, had thrown him a lifesaver in the form of warning, albeit one deeply buried under offensive nicknames and scorn… She had offered him a chance, an opportunity he could choose to take, hoping that his attempt at holding on would be enough, or he could choose to simply give up without a fight.
He had tried to make Kurt see, that the younger man was worth more than Kurt himself believed to be. And it was time to put his money where his mouth was. He didn't take great notice of where he was, when he started checking if there was a flight that would take him to Lima Ohio fast enough, possibly without draining his bank account.
And without even realising his mutterings had been high and clear enough to be understood, he was faced with Ms July's demanding tone "And what exactly do you need to do in cow town Ohio, beanie?" it didn't matter that Adam was a senior, or that he had already taken all his intro dancing courses.
When Ms July had a question for you, you simply answered it, it was that simple "I need to go and talk with Kurt" she hummed and then nodded "I see you found the backbone to fight for doll face, take my frequent miles and get yourself on the next flight there. I'm getting used to have at least one student willing to learn and determined enough to put in the work. Make sure to keep him happy, I'd hate to regret helping you out"
Adam was not one to look into the mouth of a gifted horse, he took her offer at face value, and with her help he got himself on a flight that was in the air in less than two hours later.
Once he landed and found himself wrapped in a tight hug from Santana, Adam felt grateful that he remember to send her the details of his rushed flight. Grinning sheepishly was the only answer he could offer as she quipped tersely "I thought you were a goner until I got your message, don't ever scare me like that again, we might still be able to avoid the dramatic entrance if we rush to the gay hogwarts"
The drive to the private school was faster than Adam expected, and Santana's driving was also something he dearly hoped to not experience again anytime soon… But when they arrived, just as soon as a short boy was taking Kurt hand and trying to drag him inside the school, Adam felt grateful for the clearly above the limit driving that allowed him to arrive just in the nick of time. His eyes glued on Kurt, drinking in every details as his own heart squeezed painfully in seeing the desperation written all over Kurt's face.
Before he could gather his thoughts and get back his breath Santana intervened with a crisp "Ohi Porcelain Auntie Snixx has a surprise for you before you follow the hobbit into gay hogwarts"
Blaine hissed clearly not liking the interruption "Santana why don't you stay out of it, and return under your rock? Kurt come on everyone is waiting we should go" the boy was behaving like an impatient toddler ready to throw a tantrum. Adam straightened his back as conditional reflex, he saw that Kurt had looked in their direction when Santana had called him, and by the surprised look on Kurt's face he had already been seen.
He walked up to Kurt and when he was finally close enough to not shout like fishermen, Kurt simply looked at him and said just his name, softly, almost reverently. Adam had never heard Kurt professing his belief in any faith, but to his own hopeful heart that breathless "Adam" sounded exactly like a prayer.
Adam took the courage in his hands and said just as softly "Kurt, I'm not good at holding on those I care about, I've more experience in starting again, but this is me trying to hold onto what we had so far. The rest is up to you, please know that no matter what you'll choose I'd still hope to not lose your friendship for either myself or the Apples."
Kurt was frozen on the spot, unable to move, barely able to even comprehend how this could have happened, nor why his dad asked him if he loved Blaine, and yes he still did, but with each passing moment Kurt wondered if he was simply loving the memory of the boys they both used to be.
For example, a years ago Kurt would have loved to stand in this moment, while right now he was dreading facing what expected him. He wondered that maybe he didn't qualify to receive a miracle if he didn't believe in a God.
But was that enough to deserve the life sentence that it would be accepting Blaine proposal?
Adam had shown him a whole different way of being together, one that didn't required him to contort himself into the shape of someone else's beliefs. One that didn't make him less, but rejoiced in him being whole, and patiently accepted the chipped pieces without judgement.
He got out of the car dreading every second of the agonising experience. Blaine was bouncing happily in front of him, and once more Kurt wondered what the hell he was doing. Then the screeching of mistreated brakes interrupted Blaine's inane chatter, and instead of the usual shivers and thoughts of poor cars, relief for the moment of peace was all Kurt could feel. Relief that turned into gratitude and surprise when he heard Satan's voice waking him up from his stunned stupor.
"Ohi Porcelain Auntie Snixx has a surprise for you before you follow the hobbit into gay hogwarts"
Blaine's rant barely registered as an indistinct noise to his ears. And wasn't that already telling, that Kurt knew exactly how to tune down Blaine's complains? What Kurt did, albeit barely, take notice of was the fact that Blaine had taken his hand and was trying to pull him away.
But Kurt's eyes had finally found the surprise Satan mentioned, handsome like the first day Kurt met him, Adam was standing here… In Westerville, at Dalton's parking lot, walking toward him, their eyes firmly locked onto each other.
Kurt simply found Adam breathtaking. He had hoped for a miracle sent by a deity he didn't even believe in. And here his miracle stood. And Kurt discovered that he knew exactly which name his lips would pray to... "Adam"
The look on Adam's face was was a mixture of courage and vulnerability as he laid his heart bare for Kurt, uncaring of who else was around, unashamed in offering all he had to offer. No expectations, no games, just Adam.
"Kurt, I'm not good at holding on those I care about, I've more experience in starting again, but this is me trying to hold onto what we had so far. The rest is up to you, please know that no matter what you'll choose I'd still hope to not lose your friendship for either myself or the Apples."
As the words Adam said registered in Kurt's mind, he took a deep breath and was ready to answer, when Blaine stepped in front of Kurt and said rudely to Adam "Look dude you came at a bad time so could you please just leave" and then with an unprecedented bold move, for they were in the presence of witnesses, he grabbed Kurt's wrist and petulantly said, "Come on Kurt everyone is waiting for us we should go."
And something broke free after years of being buried deep, the fire that used to define and belong to the biggest HBIC of McKinley roared back to life after being suppressed for so long. And Kurt wondered once more what had it all been for? To conform? To hold on to a relationship that in the end rarely gave back and only took from him? He couldn't come up with any reason why he even thought it was worth losing what he used to take pride in...
Kurt levelled a hard and cold glare at Blaine then freed himself from his hold before resolutely saying "No Blaine, you are free to go wherever you want, but I'm not coming with you."
Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand once again and put on that clueless expression that used to work on Kurt in the past, but not anymore "But Kurt… I don't understand…"
Kurt took another step back shaking himself free for the second time "It's a one syllable two letters word Blaine, not that hard to grasp. No means NO, simple as that No, don't want to go inside with you. No, I don't want to hear you trying to pressure me to give you any other answer than the one I've already given you, which is No, I do not want to be with you, I don't want to marry you, and at the present time I'm not even sure I want to try to save whatever little friendship might still exist, or even if I could stand having you in my life after all you've done."
Then he turned to Adam, who was still looking at him like Kurt was the most breathtaking being Adam had ever seen. So Kurt took the few steps that were still keeping them apart.
Once he was in front of Adam he took a shaky breath and said softly "Adam, this is me trying my best to move on and choosing us, I don't even know how you could want to deal with the baggage I know I have, but if you'll teach me how to start again then I'll show you how to hold on, does that sound fair to you?"
Adam had raised one of his warm hand to touch Kurt's face, and Kurt raised his own to cover it holding it firmly against his skin.
Kurt gently rubbed his cheek against the palm of Adam's hand, as Adam leaned forward to whisper on Kurt's lips "For you, I'd accept it even if it wasn't fair, and it would be my choice to do so, like it is always your choice to say no. And my responsibility to stop when you say so"
Kurt's voice was wavering with emotion as he murmured back "As long as you remember that the same is true for you"
In the next breath Kurt closed the space between them, pouring into the kiss all he felt for Adam.
The rest of their surroundings faded away from their consciousness, because in that moment, while their lips touched, nothing else mattered, they were together.
Starting again while holding on tightly to each other.