Suicide Quest – Session 1

Once upon a time there was a magnificent young man of pure unadulterated destiny and uncharacteristically wondrous innocence. This story is not about that fuckin douche bag heroic-leader-arch-type-prestigious-happy-go-lucky-boy-scout. This story is about an average guy called A.B. and his improper use of immortality. I feel so bad for him already that I'm tearing up in a non-sarcastic fashion; not jealous at all.

By the way… I'm the fucking narrator, but I doubt you give a shit. You just want me to tell you the story about someone else. Just so you know I'm always talking about other people- but I never talk about myself.

…whatever….

Alright (SIGH), so A.B. was a man who lived in Jacksonville Florida. He was an orphan that had grown up in the "system"… whatever that shit is. Anyway big sob story and oh so fuckin lonely. He had lots of stray cats on his front yard to his home. His home was like a giant tin can or some kind of trailer park nightmare. You go ahead and choose the description from those two that sounds more pleasant. We are obnoxiously optimistic right now.

A.B.'s father was the masculine version of a cunt. He tried to sell his son into slavery but failed miserably and got sent to jail. The mother was a drug addict who blamed A.B. for the incarceration of the father. She'd get high a lot and fuck total strangers as they passed by the house.

A.B. never liked to be in the house, not even to sleep. There was a hammock on the porch for sleep, headphones to cancel out the noise of the world, and the world outside to wonder around aimlessly in.

The mother got more strung out then usual one night and invited a couple gang bangers to mess her up and party up the house. No one expected the gang bangers to dress up like teddy bears…. But they did.

Anyway (actually, only left), A.B. was minding his own business on his precious hammock when ALL OF A SUDDEN a U.F.O. (quickly identified as Epsolonian) crashed into the backyard.

A.B. jumped up and ran to the crash site without any shits given. "This looks cool" he screamed.

Out of the ship stumbled a dumb looking blue alien with a penis-like antenna attached to his head. He began to speak like a mystical robot. "I…I… I cannot and will not continue to live!"

A.B. laughed at the Epsolonian. "Than maybe try killing yourself?"

The Epsolonian began to tear up. "Would you take my place? Would you really take my place?"

A.B. looked confused now. "What in the fuck does that mean?"

"I am an immortal on my suicide quest… but I can only commit suicide when another person would agree to shoulder my burden…" The alien sniffled and farted. "I have lived everything beyond everything. The good, the bad, the mundane… now I wallow in misery looking back at a life that continues to lose value."

A.B. smirked reflexively. "Lol, I would totally live forever. Sounds way better than my bullshit exsistence."

The alien looked solemnly into the eyes of A.B.. "All immortals eventually take up the suicide quest. We fear continued existence, but more than that we fear the day we should find a person who will take our pain away and carry it themselves…"

"Sounds like fun, I'm a jackass!"

The alien shot himself in the head... tumbled slightly and then looked back at A.B., cried again, and spoke again "you're not being serious…" he held his head down.

A.B.'s eyes went wide. He wanted to know what the fuck was going on. Why wasn't the alien dead? "Listen… if this is indeed for real I… I do except."

The alien pleaded with A.B. "Please! PLEASE!"

A.B. ran over to the alien and punched him in the face until at long last the alien did die. Then there was magic glowing shit and weird humming mixed with high pitched stupid shit. Every part of A.B. glowed with magic (even his penis).

A.B. started to float in the air, got struck by lightning, then his hair turned pure white and he fell to the ground with a 'FLOP' nois.

"OMG!" said A.B., "that felt like pure epicness.."

A.B. looked at the body of the alien on the ground and peed on it… there's a reason and I'll explain it at the end of the book once you forget.

Anyway, immortality and bullshit bullshit wow…. Essentially A.B. is a dumb ass, cavalier dude, who hates everything, and now…..

….

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Well the funny thing about eternity is that it changes even the stars.