Two NCISLA stories in a row and less than three days apart, who would have thought? I wrote this one kinda quickly today because I couldn't not take advantage of an opportunity to write some angsty Deeks, and I didn't reread or edit as much as I usually do, so apologies for any mistakes. Enjoy!
The first time Kensi wakes alone in cold sheets, she pays no mind to it. She assumes that Deeks just needed some time to think and is probably sitting at their yard caressing Monty's fur. So, she turns around and goes back to sleep, knowing that Deeks is okay and will be back soon. And sure enough, when she wakes up the next morning, Deeks is again nestled on her side on the previously empty side of the bed.
The second time it happens, Kensi decides to get out of bed. Not finding Deeks anywhere in the house she slightly panics, but then notices Deeks' gym bag missing, so she just sighs and gets back into bed. Deeks probably needs some time alone, and she knows she should take her rest whenever she can. This time when she wakes up next, Deeks is not in bed, but already in the kitchen preparing breakfast and coffee.
The third time, Kensi begins to worry. So she groggily gets out of bed, slips in some sweats and a sweatshirt and grabs her car keys. Parking in the small lot next to the neighborhood's gym, Kensi lets out a pained exhale when she sees Deeks inside. He's wearing shorts and a tank top, his hair damp and chest breathing in heavy as he hits the bag over and over again. Continuing to stare through the window, Kensi sees Deeks wipe his forehead, before he moves to the treadmill. Recognizing this as a healthy enough way to cope with what happened, Kensi decides to drive back home and give Deeks this time to himself. He seems to be doing okay during the day so maybe the physical exertion is just what he needs to sleep better afterwards. And as if to prove her right, the next morning, on their day off, Deeks only gets out of bed when she's already been awake for an hour.
The fourth time, Kensi is not surprised anymore. Stepping out of bed, she walks to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water and two Ibuprofen pills. Walking back inside, she sets both on Deeks' nightstand and gets back into bed. Recently she has begun noticing Deeks moving slowly when he thinks nobody is watching, and how he limps slightly when going up and down stairs. And the beginning of a bruise visible on his knuckles the last time she got a glimpse at them, on one of the few times when Deeks' hands weren't inside his hoodie's pockets. And this time when Kensi next wakes up, Deeks is not in bed next to her or making breakfast. He's nowhere around, and only when she walks into the office an hour later does Kensi find him sitting alone at his desk already deep in paperwork.
By now, Kensi knows the nighttime excursions are beginning to take a toll on Deeks, especially as during the day he keeps working like usual; never complaining, never asking for a break. And whenever she tries to bring it up he just shuts down and says that he's only exercising at night because it's safer to do so when nobody is around. And to that, Kensi can only curse Kessler, because that's the only reason why she and Deeks are living in a safe house, in a foreign neighborhood, with a gym, because Nell had argued that it was safer to have amenities around and avoid going to too many public places.
So, the fifth time it happens, Kensi has had enough.
-x-x-x-
Walking up with a start, Deeks waits with bated breath to see if he woke up Kensi. Not feeling her stir, and not hearing any change in her breathing, Deeks releases a nervous exhale and like every night before, thanks his lucky stars.
Shaking his head, Deeks tries to rid himself of the memories of his latest nightmare. This time it wasn't Kirkin, but Sam who pushed him away from the bullet that was meant for him. But like every other nightmare during the last week, Deeks wakes up shaking and nauseous from the remembered smell of blood in the air. So Deeks just lays in bed for minutes, staring blankly at his hands. Recalling the crimson that coated them a week ago when he had tried to stop Kirkin from bleeding out in front of him, but also the way it stains his fingers every night. When his mind tortures him with made up scenarios in which Kensi, Callen, Nell, Eric, and now Sam, jump in front of bullets for him. Taking their last breaths, when Deeks is forced to keep breathing and feeling this pain.
Not able to shake Kirkin's empty gaze and the way he had last whispered Marty out of his thoughts, Deeks carefully pulls the covers off his body. Slowly extricating himself from the bed, being especially mindful when he lifts Kensi's arm so he can get himself out of her embrace. Then, he sets a foot on the ground and waits. When nothing happens, he finishes getting out of bed and in practiced ease grabs the sweatpants and hoodie that always wait for him on the floor next to his side of the bed, and walks out of the room. After getting dressed and ready in less than five minutes, Deeks grabs his gym bag and keys, and walks out of the house.
And just five minutes later, like every other day this week, Deeks finds himself in the neighborhood gym. Hitting the punching bag until his knuckles ache and threaten to start bleeding, running on the treadmill until he begins to choke on his own gasps, and lifting weights until he can barely lift his arms. But unlike before, tonight he only gets to the first part of his routine, because just 15 minutes later the door to the gym opens again, stopping Deeks dead in his tracks.
Turning around, Deeks sees Kensi standing on the door, her eyes locked on him. Closing his own, Deeks lets of a nervous chuckle and steps away from the bag. "Hi Kens," he says innocently.
"Deeks," Kensi says as a way of greeting. "What's going on, baby? This is the fifth day I wake up to an empty bed."
"I just couldn't sleep. So I figured I could use the time to exercise at night when it's saf…"
"Safer, I know, you already said that," Kensi cuts him off, taking a step closer, "but it's been every night this week. This can't be healthy," Kensi says softly, doing her best not to sound judgmental.
At that, Deeks says nothing, but inwardly winces. He had hoped he was doing a good job keeping his escapades to himself but Kensi obviously knew more than she let on when she brought it up this week.
"What happened to Kirkin is not your fault," Kensi whispers, now just a step away from him. Her hands reach forward but not quite close enough to touch Deeks. Instead she gives him the chance to step away or closer.
Turning around, Deeks feels tears pricking at the corner of his eyes, so he shuts them tightly, refusing to let any of them fall. And at this moment, he both loves and hates that Kensi knows him so well.
"This shouldn't have happened, Kens. This is just wrong." Deeks releases a pained exhale, before he turns back around and grabs Kensi's hand, leading them both to a bench on the other side of the small space. "It isn't fair," Deeks says, voice breaking at the end.
"Baby, you and I both know that the world isn't fair. Every day in our jobs, we see bad things happen, things that shouldn't happen, things that are just wrong. But we can't do anything about it. It's not right, but it's just the way it is," Kensi tries to explain.
"But this isn't like that." Deeks sighs, running his free hand through his hair. "Yes, normally when we're called, it's already too late and we're there to investigate. But what happened here, shouldn't have happened. Kirkin is dead and it's all my fault. Our fault," he amends at the end, deep down knowing that NCIS as a whole is to blame, even if he's an expert at placing blame solely on his shoulders.
"It isn't your fault that Kirkin pushed you out of the way, Deeks. And I… I can't say I would prefer the alternative," Kensi admits, her eyes now clouded as her mind and heart fight between relief and guilt.
Closing his eyes, Deeks lets out a sob as he lets go of Kensi's hand and begins pacing around the room. He understands the feeling, and he knows how he would feel if Kirkin had taken the bullet for Kensi, but it hadn't. It had been for him. "I get it, Kensi. I'm happy to be alive, because that means I still have a future with you. But I don't know how to deal with this. What to do with this grief and guilt. In the academy they teach us how to deal with death, but no one teaches us how to deal with someone dying from a bullet meant for us. And I have shot people, I have seen people get shot. I've been tortured and seen people get tortured. I have seen people get hurt in unforgivable ways. I have hurt people in such ways. But… But I've never seen someone die after taking a bullet meant for me. It isn't fair!" Deeks' whole monologue had been barely above a whisper, but he shouts the last part, just as he turns around and punches the bag with all his might. Then Deeks starts hitting it over and over again, his breathing beginning to come in small, tired gasps.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. And I hate that I can't take your pain away. But you deserve to live, as much as anyone else he could have taken that bullet for," Kensi says knowingly, her tone sad and dejected because Deeks is so much more deserving that he gives himself credit for, and she hates that he does not see it, or just chooses not to. "And Kirkin did it, because…" Kensi then falters, her worry for Deeks growing as he continues to pummel the punching bag, but she stops herself from stopping him physically, hoping instead her words would do the trick. "As much as it pains me to say this, Kirkin did it because he loved you. Not in the same way we love each other, but he still did. And because deep down he was a good man. I think… I think you two were alike in some ways." Kensi stops and smiles sadly, seeing Deeks' pained eyes turned to her, his eyebrows going up, before he continues his attack on the bag.
"Not in that way," Kensi lets out with a soft chuckle. "But, I think both of you always try to do good to make up for mistakes of your past. Not in the same way because you were never a criminal but still. We both know there's a lot, warranted and unwarranted, that you blame yourself for. And every action you take is trying to make up for that. Kirkin did too. And just like you, he was surprisingly loyal. So when the time came, he didn't hesitate to give his life to save your life, just like I know you would be willing to sacrifice your own to save someone that was deserving of your loyalty. Like you already have." All through her speech, Kensi's voice remained steady and strong, but it wavered at the end, her eyes stinging as she remembered Sidorov and the garage.
"But I wasn't deserving of his loyalty. I never wanted to see him. I made jokes at his expense… I felt… disgusted by his attention," Deeks admits, now feeling disgusted at himself for ever having those feelings, so much that he punctuates each sentence with a strong hit or kick to the bag.
"And who can blame you, baby? Kirkin was never quiet and even borderline disrespectful when it came to his advances and what he thought of you. And we all laughed at your expense and enjoyed your discomfort. Even used the way he felt about you to get us answers and leads. We, not you, took advantage of that. But even if you went with it for the team, when it mattered the most you let your good nature shine through, even if Kirkin constantly made you uncomfortable. Or have you forgotten that he might have ended up in a shipping container to Russia if you hadn't vehemently opposed that idea?" Kensi retorts, desperately needing Deeks to listen.
"Maybe, but I still can't shake the feeling this shouldn't have happened. Kirkin shouldn't have been there. He should have never been put in a position to give his life for mine, or anyone else," Deeks counters.
"But none of that is your fault. You didn't ask Kirkin to be there…" Kensi begins but Deeks cuts her off.
"But I voluntarily asked for his help on this. No one asked me, I was the one with the idea to meet with him to ask questions. It was me, who involved him in the case," Deeks elaborates, his voice again breaking at the end. "It was me who involved him in every case for the last 8 years. He wanted out, he wanted a better life, but we… I keep reeling him in. Now he's dead and we know nothing about him. Does he even have any family in the US? Is anyone taking care of his funeral?" He rambles.
"Arkady would have involved him either way, Deeks. He's the one that decided to take matters in his own hands and asked Kirkin to be there. If you want to blame someone then blame him… Or blame Callen for hiding information, blame Hetty for leaving again, blame whoever you want, but don't blame yourself when the only thing you did was contact the one person you thought could help locate Katya," Kensi all but shouts at the end. "And we can talk to Nell tomorrow and find more information about his family and what's being done."
"This isn't Callen's fault. He was only trying to find his girlfriend, or friend, or whatever she is. But he only did what he thought was best to find her," Deeks says softly. "And thank you, I just hate the idea of anyone's body going unclaimed." Like probably happened to his father when he passed away and Deeks only learnt about it many years later. He leaves that part unsaid, but still feels sadness at the thought, because, in many ways, Brandel is the monster of his nightmares, but he still is his father.
"I know that, Deeks," Kensi admits easily. "What I don't know is why you can always forgive and see the best in everyone but yourself?" Scratch that, she knows why, but she needs Deeks to also see it so he can start trying to give himself a break when he deserves it. "Like Callen and everyone really, you also did what you thought was best. And it wasn't only this time, but every past case you involved Kirkin in, you did reluctantly and only because we all thought it would help. Because at the time it looked like the best option. And Kirkin helped because he wanted to make something better off his life, he wanted to leave a better legacy than a retired Russian criminal. And he did," Kensi finishes softly. Sadness, guilt, relief, happiness all fighting internally for her attention.
Stopping his movements for a moment, Deeks turns to look at Kensi. "And what's his legacy? Bleeding out on the dirty floor on one of LA's ports?" Turning back to the bag, Deeks takes off his glove and hits it with as much force as he can muster. Wanting, needing, to feel the pain. Any other time, he would have spent every night at the beach instead. But he did that when he wanted to think, when he wanted comfort. He didn't deserve comfort now. This time he only wanted to punch or get punched, just to feel something.
"No," Kensi says softly. "His legacy is every person he helped us save, his legacy is every criminal who is now dead or behind bars because of the information he gave us. His legacy is you. Because he gave his life for yours so now what you do with that time is also part of his legacy." Reaching out, Kensi tries to catch Deeks' hand, instead he moves to the other side and continues hitting, mindful not to hurt her as the bag swings widely. "And Deeks, the fact that this time fate conspired in such a way that Kirkin took the bullet for you, and not someone else, doesn't inherently make this your fault."
Those words finally break something in Deeks as a sob breaks free off his chest and he stops hitting the bag, collapsing onto the floor from a combination of exhaustion, pain and his emotions getting the better of him. Crawling backwards, he rests his head on the wall but reaches forward with his hands, and Kensi is there instantly, kneeling in front of him and filling the space in between his arms.
For the next few minutes no one says anything as husband and wife just share an embrace. Deeks' shoulders shaking as he finally lets his emotions flow, and Kensi's own eyes clouding with tears because on top of everything else, Deeks didn't deserve this. She knows he already carries so much guilt, and this just feels like a very cruel and unnecessary twist of fate.
When his sobs finally subside, Kensi moves back but grabs Deeks' hand intertwining their fingers together. "Feel like going home, baby? You are exhausted, and you need to rest. And before we can sleep I need to clean out those cuts," Kensi says, pointing to Deeks' injured knuckles. "I will send Nell a text and let her know you're not feeling well so we'll take the day off tomorrow," she offers, even when she already made up her mind about it.
Nodding, Deeks wipes any remaining tears from his eyes, and gingerly stands up, barely suppressing a grunt as his adrenaline begins to fade and he feels all his muscles protesting his movements. While also doing his best not to look at his hands because he can't stand seeing any more blood in them.
"We can go to the beach tomorrow," Kensi proposes hopefully, "the cold water can help soothe the soreness."
If Deeks had been any other man, he would have been at a bar today. Drinking to forget and looking for a fight. But because of his past, he tries never to see alcohol as salvation. Instead preferring late night runs to force his body to feel the pain necessary to ground him. This time, he was only at the gym because of the looming threat of Kessler. But Deeks knew from experience that he couldn't continue on this destructive cycle. So now, he nods, pulling Kensi upright and towards his body as he kisses her softly. A kiss not full of hunger or even passion, just simple love and gratitude.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Deeks answers eventually. Relieved that he finally managed to let go of some of the pain and guilt that was drowning him every night, and now feeling ready to turn to his favorite comfort, both in terms or person and location.
Kensi says nothing at that, just smiles knowingly, before reaching down to grab Deeks' gym bag. Then taking his hand in her free one and pulling him towards the door and her car.
-x-x-x-
On the sixth night, Kensi wakes up and sighs in relief, feeling Deeks' comforting and sure presence next to her. Remembering their day at the beach, she smiles to herself, her hand seeking Deeks as she begins to run her fingers through his hair. A small gesture she hopes will keep his demons away.
On the sixth night, Deeks also wakes up in the middle of the night. And as soon as his eyes open, he turns to his hands and stares, again seeing the echo of crimson that is no longer there and smelling the familiar copper in the air. But this time, she shakes his head, and forces himself to focus on Kensi's body pressed to his, the fatigue and aches he feels in his arms and legs, the salty smell that still clings to them, and the way the low glow of the moon reflects on the white bandages covering the worst of the wounds on his hands.
The memory of what happened last week still hurts, but this night, Deeks feels peaceful enough to calmly close his eyes, and even his breathing. But before he lets sleep claim him again, he thinks back to Anatoli Kirkin, trying not to grimace or gag as he remembers his advances. Thank you, he whispers instead.
Kirkin along with Arkady and Roberta are my three favorite recurrent characters in NCISLA. So his death really hurts and I guess this is my own, little tribute to a character that made me laugh countless of times and whom I'll really miss. Thanks for reading!