"Elliot, I can't"
The words reverberated; the cutting cadence of her voice like shrapnel. Her voice that had been his beacon, consuming him from the other side of the world; soothing him, pushing him on in the worst moments. Whispering to him the nights he laid awake in the dark. Now it cracked his chest open. He had accepted it, taken on the weight of the sacrifice. To atone for the innocent blood he spilled. To be the shield that would protect her. For HER.
He reached for the glossy photo enshrined on his desk. In part penance. And part preservation. A last glance darting around, his fingers shook as he slid the aging photo from the back of the frame. Behind the untouched image covered in glass, this relic was smudged from constant touching. Marred by droplets of moisture, not swiped from his cheeks soon enough.
His eyes quickly fell into the dark eyes gazing back at him, as they had so many times before. So many YEARS when the image was all he had. A shudder filled his chest, as he thought of all the times he had seen them again in the last few days. Days. Only days. It felt like a track speeding by much too fast. At the same time, it felt like the moments holding that connection could fill a life.
They could take him now and he could go. He could clutch every moment drowning in her eyes. The feeling of being in her arms. The scent, the feel, the softness of her; burying his lips into her hair. Her arms going around him, the way she gave herself a moment to lean into him.
It was what he had wanted. She was safe. She had a son. God she had a son. She had a life. Without him. But he still felt like he had failed her.
The ache that brimmed in her eyes was like lava on his skin. The walls constructed around her pain were near invisible to him. There was a clawing in the pit of his stomach to rip down each and every wall. But fear gnawed at him; watching her collapse into the pain, and that he would not be enough to contain it. That he would not be enough for her. Anymore.
There was one thing he could give her. He prayed it would be enough. He could give her truth.
Elliot pressed a finger against the glass, but did not replace the other photo. Not yet.
"I didn't want you to die, Kath. I never wanted you to get hurt either" He held onto the regret for a moment. Holding himself back from falling into the guilt threatening to pull him under. Thinking of the finality he had been planning before reaching out to Fin. But he hadn't wanted it to end this way.
Before and after. Before the intel had landed in his lap. Before he made the connection. The road home; back to her and back to himself. Paved in retribution and reckoning. Amends and redemption. And now, consequences and culpability.
"I've been alone my whole life"
"Family is everything"
His fist pounded onto the desk; outrage swirling through his veins, quickly overtaking the ebbing guilt.
And now Kathy had been added to the casualties. He could barely look his children in the eye. For more reasons than they even knew.
His thoughts went to that night, as they so often did. After the shooting. He wanted to clutch his children in his arms. But he touched them with the barest of touches, not wanting to taint them with the destruction that lived under his skin.
He longed to go to her. To feel her by his side still. But he was afraid of what she thought of him. Afraid to tell her the truth. Afraid she would leave him again.
As the days went by, the pull became even stronger, so much that Elliot felt like he could just snap in two. His silence hung in the air, as Kathy begged, pleaded and demanded he speak to her. She came to regret it, when he finally did.
The agony etched into his skin seemed to ease. For the first time, there was the faintest of light in his eyes. His words rocked her, as she sat next to him, and Elliot told her he was going to have the divorce papers filed again. She just stared in disbelief. If he had not been shrouded in so much anguish and remorse, he may have captured the flickers of something else. Suspicion. Guilt. The same façade they had worn for years.
But Elliot was struggling to crawl over metaphorical broken glass. A narrow band of light leading the way to his salvation. And frankly, longing to be with someone else.
"The kids are my world" he breathed out, "and I love you for giving them to me. I always will, but I have to let you go"
Kathy's eyes just widened. She couldn't even find the words to put up a fight. She had never seen him so resolute. In the past, he had always tried to keep one foot solidly wedged in the door. She blinked at him, as it felt like he was half way out the door already. She flinched as a thought flitted in her mind, but quickly pushed it away. And then her miracle came, with the pounding on the door.
Elliot would never forget the words that quickly tumbled out of the agent. Words that were fired rapidly, with no more care than the summarizing of the events of the day. Extremely urgent events.
The hit that was out against him was discovered soon after his administrative leave became known.
What about Liv. Who was watching her back. The first thoughts he had. So urgent and swift, he didn't even realize they had been out loud.
The agent was adamant, the threat against him was substantiated and certain. He was less straight forward about Liv.
"Was she at risk" Elliot pressed.
He couldn't say she wasn't, was the best the agent could provide. But that was enough for Elliot.
Kathy was shaken by the news, and couldn't bear hearing her husband mention his partner's name again. He hadn't even mentioned their children. She made her way upstairs to check on Eli, and that is when the agent leaned in.
He shared that their suspect was last seen in Rome, and had thus far managed to stay ahead of the authorities. The shock came when Elliot was told they wanted to send him to Rome.
"You want to send me into the arms of the man that wants me dead" he asked incredulously.
"If you help to bring him down, you get your life back", the agent reasoned. "And keep the partner you're so concerned about safe" he added
Elliot nodded slowly, his decision already made. It was the next words that filled him with shock.
"Your wife and family is the perfect cover"
As Elliot shook his head, the agent continued "You will be retired, and whisk your wife and family away to Italy, to reconnect and live a happy life"
"No one will believe that" Elliot scoffed.
"It's done" the agent brushed him off, and headed for the door. "We'll have your papers taken care of within the month" And then he was gone.
When Kathy came back downstairs, she couldn't believe how her fortunes had changed. Elliot had a stunning turn around, and told her he wanted to heal their family. With her. And move to Italy.
She couldn't stop the words tumbling from her mouth, "Do you really have to get that far away from Olivia"
His eyes burned, as the emotions churned inside him, but he didn't respond.
"Never mind" Kathy whispered, and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
The agent was true to his word, and soon Elliot was signing his retirement papers. Severing the connection that lived so deep in him. To the job. And most of all, to Liv.
The day he signed the papers, Elliot told the agent he had one last thing to do. He placed a miniature version of his badge into an envelope, along with his marine medallion. And wrote the most simple words. Words he prayed she would somehow understand. That his faithfulness and his loyalty would always belong to her. That every step he took away from her, was only ever to protect her and keep her safe.
Semper Fi, El
He wanted to write more words, give her more. But he was afraid the agent would stop him from his mission. And indeed he told El "no way". But he persevered, and told him in no uncertain terms, that he was going nowhere until it was done.
Grumbling agent included, they made their way across from the precinct. Elliot knew he could not risk Olivia with his proximity and waited until he spotted the most green looking uni, that could not identify him. He pressed the envelope into his hands and demanded it be delivered to Detective Benson.
And then he waited until he spotted her returning to the house. He just needed one last look. She spun around as she was entering, for just a moment. As if she knew, that she could still sense his presence. And he took her in; savoring his last look, and held her to his memory until he could return.
The agent jerked him back, telling him time was up. Elliot let him lead him away from what once was his home. He slid his hand down the chain slung around his neck. To anyone else the dog tag wouldn't be questioned. But as his fingers traced over the numbers, he knew he was taking a piece of his partner with him. 4015
He couldn't come to her empty handed after all this time. He just wanted to end his double life.
As he gently slid the photo back into the frame, he blew out a breath. The time was now.
Elliot picked up the phone and waited for the line to stop ringing.
"It's me. I'm going to tell her. No. This is just a courtesy. I'm going to tell Liv everything"