A/N: I'm a fairly new fan of Murdoch Mysteries so the earlier seasons still hold a special fascination for me. I hope you'll indulge me as I try to write about them. I enjoy imagining conversations that we didn't get to see during the episode, like this one from the middle of season 6, where William tries to explain why he didn't intervene during Julia's wedding to Darcy. I had fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy it. Laura

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and William Murdoch sighed contentedly as he gazed across the secluded cove's sandy shore as it ran down towards the shimmering blue-green waters of Lake Ontario. An early summer heat wave that had left Toronto sweltering for days had finally eased, but it was still warm enough to enjoy some time spent engaging in the recreational opportunities afforded by being at the water's edge...and if that time was spent with the woman he loved, so much the better.

And so, there he was, enjoying the day, wearing a collarless shirt open at his throat, with his sleeves rolled up around his elbows and his dungarees rolled up around his ankles, wiggling his bare toes as he stretched out comfortably on an old quilt, enjoying the view...a view unquestionably enhanced by how fetching Julia looked in her white cotton dress. The sunlight shining through the lightweight fabric highlighted her feminine silhouette, and he was most pleased with what he could observe from his vantage point. He chuckled softly to himself as he considered the possibilities presented to him. Who knew the contrast between light and shadow could be so...enticing?

He turned to lay on his back, happily gazing up at the bright blue sky, listening to the birds calling from the surrounding trees and the soft sounds of the waves lapping at the shore. It had been many months since he'd felt so totally relaxed. At the moment, his normally active mind seemed to be currently untroubled by any concerns over the criminal misadventures that might be plaguing the city that day, and he almost felt as if he was a small boy again, playing outdoors on a sunny day.

However, the adult William had a much different idea when it came to his definition of 'play'. As it turned out, his mind wasn't totally blank that afternoon. Currently his focus lay on a memory, as his thoughts turned once again to the glimpse he'd gotten of Julia...au natural...at the naturists' encampment. That the memory was presenting itself for his enjoyment wasn't much of a surprise, of course. It seemed that the slightest provocation brought that rare vision to mind, and now...there she was...in the flesh, so to speak...so near...so lovely…and soon he could think of little else but her womanly attributes.

Puffing out another sigh, it suddenly occurred to him that the present moment would be a good time to encourage his beautiful sweetheart to bestow some affection upon him. I think she needs to come lay next to me here on this quilt, doesn't she? She must be tired after spending all day in the sun. She really should rest...

With that thought in mind, William sat up and watched her with interest while she daintily waded at the water's edge, lifting her skirt to expose her slender ankles as she dabbled her toes in the waves, with her long blonde hair wafting in the breeze as it fell in loose waves around her shoulders. She was as enchanting as any water nymph could be, and as he observed her, he found himself wondering how to call her attention to himself without actually doing so. Being overtly amorous would never do, as she'd become quickly aware of his intentions and then decide to tease him by pretending to be bashful, thus thwarting his plans. He needed to be suave, and so perhaps a bit of flirting was in order...perhaps a winsome smile and a raised eyebrow in her direction would do the trick. After the large picnic lunch we had, a nap is definitely called for...she can snuggle close to me on the blanket and give me a kiss or two...or maybe a few more...but nothing too tempting. We just need a little snooze together this afternoon. I'd behave myself, wouldn't I? I'd be good...it is Sunday, after all…

As if she'd read his thoughts, Julia suddenly turned to him with a brilliant smile. "Are you spying on me, William?"

"Maybe...just a little bit. I'd prefer to think of it as enjoying the scenery." He smiled sweetly as he patted a spot on the blanket. "Come sit with me for a minute…"

"For a minute?" Finding it impossible to resist the good natured mischief in her handsome beau's dark eyes, she giggled as she sauntered over and plopped down on the blanket next to him. Leaning against his shoulder, she arched an eyebrow at him. "I was hoping for more than that…"

He grinned as he put his arm around her. "Perhaps that can be arranged." Leaning over, he whispered in her ear. "I was thinking that we should take a nap…together...you know, here...on this quilt. Aren't you getting sleepy?"

"William Murdoch!" Julia pretended to be horrified. "Are you suggesting that we sleep together in an intimate fashion without the benefit of the clergy?"

"Oh! No...not like that!," he stammered, blushing slightly at the thought, although he had to admit, it did sound like a glorious idea. "I mean, we'd stay clothed, of course...but maybe we could...you know...share an embrace...or something…"

Laughing heartily, she reached over to pat his knee affectionately. "I know what you meant…and I do think a nap sounds rather nice." She reclined beside him, laying with her hands behind her head, and gazed up at him with a coy smile. "Care to join me?"

"Absolutely." He lay on his side, gazing at her with fondness before leaning over to kiss her. "I love you so much, Julia…"

She sighed softly. "And I love you, William." Reaching up to caress his cheek, she slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry we've had to wait so long to finally reach this point in our relationship...but now, in spite of everything that happened to us, here we are...finally together...well, as together as we can be for now...until Darcy grants me a divorce..."

"Yes…" Brushing blonde curl away from her face, he gently kissed her again. "...and we'll live the rest of our lives together. Things will work out...I'm sure of it. We just have to be patient. You'll see..."

She studied him intently for a few seconds, trying to decide if she was feeling bold enough to ask the question that had been troubling her for some time. Finally she gave in to her curiosity. "May I ask you a personal question?"

Feeling a threat to the romantic mood he was trying to create, William's brow furrowed slightly as he considered her odd request. "Well...yes, of course…"

"Why didn't you stop me from marrying Darcy when you had the chance? We might have avoided so much of the pain we've experienced over the past year if you'd only said something…"

He grunted loudly in frustration and pushed away from her, much to her surprise. Sitting up suddenly, he gazed out over the cove. "As I've said before, it couldn't be helped. Anyway, I've said all I care to say on the subject, and that should be good enough for you, Julia."

Feeling somewhat annoyed with his refusal to be more forthcoming, she moved to sit next to him, putting her hand on his arm so he'd turn to face her. "No...no, you haven't actually said much of anything...not really, William. You've been most reticent about that period of time. All you've told me is that there was something you had to do, and it couldn't wait...it had to be done at that very moment. So, please tell me...why was that matter more important to you than I was?"

"It wasn't that it was more important than you...at least not in the way you think. Surely you know there's nothing more important to me than you, Julia." William puffed out an aggravated sigh. She has a right to know what happened, doesn't she? But why now? Why spoil this perfect day with an unpleasant conversation...

He'd always meant to tell her what really happened that day...but the current venue didn't seem conducive to such an unhappy discussion. However, after seeing the determination in her eyes, he knew she would accept no excuses. He'd have to explain everything...now. "Fine. I'll tell you what happened." Not wishing to see her reaction to the statement he was about to make, he focused his gaze on the lake's far horizon. "I couldn't come to the church to stop your wedding ceremony because I was busy committing a crime."

"William! Don't be ridiculous! Tell me the truth!" She started to scoff at his assertion but then realized he was serious. "A crime? I don't understand…"

"No...I'm sure you don't.," he continued in a quiet tone. "And I can assure you, the story will sound far fetched, but...it's the absolute truth." He took a deep breath before launching into his explanation. "The woman you knew as Ava Moon, from the Alice in Wonderland party? Her real name is Constance Gardiner, and she is the one who murdered Randolph Littlefair. And she didn't escape from the station house because of a faulty lock on her cell door...nor did I, for that matter. I picked the lock and left custody to look for her when I realized what had happened...that she had killed him...and then, after it was confirmed that she was the most likely murder suspect, I purposefully let her escape."

"I see…" Julia nodded slightly, even though she didn't really understand what he was telling her. "So…Ava Moon...who's real name is Constance Gardiner...is, in reality, a murderer? And you freed her? I can't believe that...letting her escape goes completely against your character!"

"Yes, but it's not as simple as you make it out to be. It's a long, sad, complicated story." Fidgeting with the quilt's hem, he cleared his throat. "Several years ago, as a young constable, I'd convinced Miss Gardiner to testify as a witness for the prosecution against a man named Michael Cudmore. She was deathly afraid of him, and with good reason, since he was an evil, violent man, but I told her it was her duty...that she needed to do so in the interest of justice...and that the Constabulary would protect her...so she finally agreed to identify him at his trial as the perpetrator of the crime in question. It never occurred to me that he wouldn't be convicted, but his case was thrown out, also because of me...because I testified under oath that my inspector had beaten a confession out of him. Cudmore was soon set free to walk the streets again, so he went after Constance, wanting revenge...and when he found her, he took a large knife to her. He abused her savagely, cutting up not only her face and destroying her beauty, so she could no longer be an actress, but…" He swallowed hard, choking back a small sob. "He...used the knife on her...in other ways, as well...injuring her in such a brutal way that she can never have children." He paused as he heard Julia's horrified gasp, hoping he could maintain his composure as he recounted the tale. "Cudmore took everything from her, except her life…he left her terribly scarred and with a broken spirit, unable to trust that the law would ever be able to find justice for those who deserved it. Constance was horribly injured by him, but the prosecutors for the Crown felt there was no real evidence proving that Cudmore had been the man who'd attacked her, so instead of being jailed for assault, he was allowed to go free...able to rape and murder as he chose, while Constance was left with nothing but pain and heartache."

"That's terrible, of course…," Julia interjected, "...but what does that have to do with Mr. Littlefair?"

Shrugging slightly, William explained. "That was Cudmore's latest assumed name. He'd reinvented himself as Randolph Littlefair, taking on a false identity as a successful businessman. It was a series of coincidences that brought him and Constance together for the party...and when she saw her chance, she killed him and then framed me, thinking that the evidence, being circumstantial, wouldn't be enough to convict me, but you know how that went...the Chief Constable was like a bulldog gnawing on a new bone, and he wasn't about to let go of my alleged involvement with the case. That's why I had to escape custody and find her."

"By picking the lock on the cell door and leaving the jail...and that's why you were suspended…," Julia mused. "...but that's not the crime you were speaking of, is it? That's not what kept you away from the wedding..."

William sighed softly. "No...that's just a small part of the affair. I found Constance as she was getting ready to leave her boarding house, and she assured me that she would've spoken up...she wouldn't have let me hang, and she told the inspector as much when he interviewed her after her arrest. She freely admitted killing Littlefair, and was ready to accept the consequences for her actions, but…"

"...but it bothered you terribly, didn't it? Yes, I can see how it might." Studying the man sitting next to her, Julia grimaced slightly. She was well aware that he had a clear cut sense of right and wrong, and he'd feel compelled to do what he thought was the correct thing, no matter the personal cost...either to himself or for those he loved, It was something she admired about him, even though it could be challenging to accept that aspect of his personality when his decisions could have such awful consequences. "So, then what happened?"

He clenched his jaw at the painful memory, hesitating before he continued his story. "I didn't actually receive your note until a few hours before your wedding, and my first instinct was to immediately go to the church to put a stop to the proceedings, but I had already constructed a plan for Constance's release, and for it to work, I had to wait until everyone had left for the ceremony. I had to stay behind at the station house, no matter how dearly it cost me. I knew no one would give my absence from the wedding a second thought, since they all knew how I felt about you...they'd assume I was distraught, and I was, but...I still had to put my plan in motion…"

Studying her nails, Julia spoke softly. "So instead of coming to the church, you went to see her in the cells."

"Yes. While everyone was gone, I let Constance out of her cell, gave her some money, and told her how to make the most effective escape from the constabulary...which trains to take...where to cross the border into the United States...how to avoid detection as they searched for her. That was my crime...aiding and abetting a known murderer, and allowing her to leave the country...but I had to do it. I had to keep my promise to protect her. It was one mistake I could make right. A man doesn't often get a chance to do that...to correct the errors of judgment that he's made in his past."

"So you did choose her over me…" Julia's tone gave away both her disappointment and her jealousy. "...even though you said nothing was more important to you than me...you let her come between us."

Hearing the distressed tone in her voice, William sought to reassure her. "I wouldn't say it like that...as if I deliberately let someone push us apart. It wasn't that I felt something for her personally. I had no feelings for her other than sympathy for her plight." Exhaling slowly, he shook his head. "I didn't want to make that choice, but at the time, I felt that I had no other option. I hope you can understand that...how difficult it was for me to act as I did...to give up everything I'd ever wanted in order to correct my youthful mistake."

Taking her hand in his, he groaned softly, wishing he could adequately explain the agonizing heartache he'd felt at that moment. "I would've given anything not to be in that situation, Julia…," he began in a shaky voice. "...but do you think I could ever be happy, knowing I let a woman hang for a crime she committed because she felt she had to take the law into her own hands? The justice system had utterly failed her. If Michael Cudmore had been in prison, as he was supposed to be, none of this would've happened to Constance...or to any of the other women he assaulted. She would've been safe and secure, instead of being scarred for life. I was responsible for his being set free, and so, by extension, I'm responsible for her injuries. What happened to her was my fault, and I had to do something to help her, or the situation would've haunted me for the rest of my life. Nothing...not even being married to you...would ever have taken that stain from my soul. I had to make amends since I had the chance...I didn't think I'd ever deserve to be happy if I let her execution occur, so I set her free. It was legally wrong, but it was the morally correct thing to do."

As Julia considered his story, she nodded to herself. This is William all over. He thinks this failure of the justice system is his personal responsibility, and nothing will change his mind. The error had to be corrected to his satisfaction, or he would never be content. He's so single-minded, and it never occurred to him that I wouldn't agree with him on this point. But who could fault him for wanting to help that woman? Perhaps I'm being selfish…but it hurts so badly to hear that he put her first...ahead of me. I wonder if he can even fathom how miserable it makes me feel...

Clearing her throat, Julia's expression was tense as she struggled to control her raging emotions. "I can certainly see your dilemma, William, and I suppose the way you handled it made a certain amount of sense at the time, but why didn't you send me a message to tell me what was going on? You know I would've called off the wedding if I'd heard from you…if you'd only let me know what you felt...that's all it would've taken..."

"I thought about doing that, but there were other considerations." Giving her a sideways glance, he exhaled slowly. "When I returned from the Klondike, I fully expected to be arrested and convicted of my crime...a crime I would freely confess to committing...and I would never want you to be linked to a police officer who was a known felon, so I made the painful decision to avoid contacting you before your marriage. Your reputation would be ruined if it were known that you had been in a romantic relationship with me at one time, and I couldn't allow that." Swallowing hard, he studied his nails. "Not to mention the fact that I had to acknowledge the reality of my predicament...that shortly after my confinement to prison, I'd most likely be killed by some prisoner seeking revenge against me for their imprisonment. I wanted to save you that grief, and I knew you'd probably be happy with Darcy...that he'd take care of you, and be a proper husband for you...so I let you go without interfering in the wedding. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I wanted to protect you from being entangled with me and my legal troubles..."

"Excuse me? What a presumptuous statement to make! How dare you feel that you could make that choice for me!" Julia's eyes filled with angry tears as she pulled her hand away from him. "How dare you decide to 'bequeath' me to another man as if I was so much chattel, and then leave for the Klondike without saying a word or sending me any sort of message...without even saying goodbye! Not hearing from you broke my heart, William, but it seems you didn't really care about me at all, did you? Justice for someone who is practically a stranger to you was far more important than I was..."

Stung by her outburst, he quickly interrupted her. "Presumptuous? Yes...I suppose I was that, but I meant well, Julia. I did what I felt was best for all parties involved." He arched an eyebrow at her scowl before continuing calmly, but the bitterness he still felt was evident in his voice. "It's a rather familiar story between us, isn't it? It reminds me of the time when you decided that a certain someone wouldn't love you because you couldn't bear him children, so you made a unilateral decision, and disregarded his wishes...not that you actually bothered to find out what those wishes might be, but no matter.," he growled. "You left for Buffalo without saying goodbye, and then went so far as to become engaged to another man, all without hearing what that certain someone had to say on the subject, because you also thought it was the best thing for everyone involved! How was your past behavior any less presumptuous than mine? I was devastated when you left, Julia, but I made an effort to accept your decision in that regard. Have you ever tried to understand my decisions, or are you too busy being upset with me?"

As mild mannered as he was, it was rare for him to be that angry with her. Stunned at his blunt assessment, she was furious. "OH! Your logic is so infuriating!" She jumped up from the blanket and moved off a few paces before turning to shake a finger at him. "I know you want a family, and I can't give it to you! I can never give you the son you so desire, so I left! That's not being presumptuous! That's being realistic!"

"Realistic?" He scoffed sarcastically. "No...that's called not listening to reason because your mind is already made up!"

"Of course my mind is made up! Nothing can change those facts…"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Julia?" Groaning softly, he reached for her hand. "All I want is you! After all we've been through, don't you know that by now? I love you! Why can't you see that?"

"You love me? Really?," she seethed. "Then why didn't you try to do something that day? You could've called me...sent a telegram…sent a note with George...something...anything! A single word would've changed everything!" Pulling away from him again, she brushed away a tear. "I don't understand…why you ignored me as you did."

He nodded, finally understanding her frustration. "I know you don't understand, and I suppose that's my fault. I should've made more of an effort to contact you before I left Toronto, but as I said, I was worried about what my future would hold and I wanted to avoid you becoming involved in those unsavory circumstances. I'm truly sorry for that oversight. I can see now how my actions must have appeared to you. Please accept my apology. I never meant to hurt you."

Seeing her reluctant nod as she turned away from him, William paused, clearing his throat before choosing his words carefully. "And now, I have some questions for you as well." He waited until he had Julia's full attention. "How did you find out about my intended proposal in the first place? I'd hoped that would remain my secret, especially after you became engaged to another. And why did you need to know what my feelings were? I assume that at one time you loved Darcy enough to marry him, but if you had any doubts at all, why not call off the wedding on your own? You certainly didn't need my approval nor my interference to end your engagement. Were you planning to use me as a convenient excuse to avoid something you knew you should've never considered in the first place?"

"Oh, William…" Seeing the anguish in his eyes, Julia's anger abated as she considered his questions, and she quietly resumed her seat next to him. "To answer your first question, Ruby found the ring box and the scribbled notes in your desk drawer while she was looking for a pen, and she later shared them with me, hoping I'd follow what she considered to be my heart's desire. I knew it was a violation of your privacy, but I couldn't help but be curious...and when I first read it, I found it so hard to believe you had planned to propose before I left for Buffalo, although looking back on things now, I know that I should've never doubted the depth of your feelings for me."

She hesitated, running her hand through her hair as she thought over his second question. "As for why I wanted to know your feelings...well, I suppose I needed to know for sure where I stood with you, because, despite all my bluff and bluster...it seems I was afraid of ending up alone if I rejected Darcy. I knew I'd hurt you badly, and I wanted to know if you'd forgiven me...if there was any chance that you still cared...if you still loved me...but when I didn't hear from you, I assumed you didn't feel that way about me anymore, which I understood, since I'd treated you so shamefully...and so, perhaps because I was worried about unloved for the rest of my life...and also because of my concern about what my father and other people might think...I went through with the wedding, even though I had real doubts about whether I should do so." She sighed softly as she patted William's hand. "At one time I thought I loved Darcy enough to be his wife, but...I soon realized I'd made a terrible mistake. However, it was my choice to make, and I was the one who had to face the consequences of that error."

"Julia…"

Smiling wistfully, she shrugged a shoulder. "Being around you on a regular basis made that error quite obvious...and so very difficult to deal with...and although I thought I was being careful in hiding my feelings for you, Darcy soon figured things out and at one time offered to let me go, but now his pride has been injured, so here we are, unable to be truly together…and I'm so sorry I did this to both of us...that I put us in this untenable situation. I've also ruined your good reputation by allowing you to be named in as a correspondent in a divorce action. I'm sure your priest must be horrified..."

"You didn't cause this situation by yourself, and you needn't worry about my good name. I love you, and I also made the choice to stand by you, no matter what might happen to my reputation." Waving off her concerns, William returned her smile as he ran his thumb over her knuckles. "You know, when I saw your train pulling away from the station that day, I should've boarded the very next train to Buffalo. I should have followed you and found you...I should've made you listen to me…"

Julia giggled softly. "But to hear you tell it, I never listen, so what would you have done to change my mind? I was determined to leave Toronto, you know…"

He took her in his arms and kissed her passionately until she was breathless. "I might've started with that...if I'd only been brave enough to follow you." He puffed out a sigh. "You're right...I was afraid you wouldn't listen to me, but I still should've tried. I told myself I was letting you have what you wanted, but I shouldn't have given up so easily. I should've continued the pursuit." Grinning slightly, he raised an eyebrow at her. "What do you think? Would you have been tempted?"

"I don't know…" She laughed as he put his arms around her. "...I was being stubborn…"

"That was a definite surprise, too. I never would've expected such behavior from you.," he deadpanned, smirking as she pretended to slap at his arm. "You were stubborn and I was a coward. What a fabulous couple we make…"

"Well, in our current situation, being stubborn is an asset, since we'll have to wait Darcy out...and you are definitely not a coward, William. You've stood by me in the face of great personal sacrifice. A lesser man might've given up, but not you…you are a stalwart gentleman of the highest order."

"We'll never give up, Julia." William nodded resolutely. "We'll see this through until we're married, as we should always have been. " He nodded as he gazed out over the lake. "Let's call a truce for the rest of the afternoon, shall we? It does no good to dwell upon the past...on our mistakes. After all, we can't change anything. All we can do is look to the future...and my future is you…"

Wearing a sad smile, Julia put her head on his shoulder. "Are you sure you won't get tired of waiting for me to become available to you? It may take a while..."

"Maybe I will." He grinned at her shocked expression. "I may be tired of waiting after about fifty years or so, and then I may be tempted to give up...but I doubt I ever will. I can be just as stubborn as you are, you know. Now, speaking of getting tired…" Laughing, he pretended to yawn. "I believe we were considering a nap…"

"Oh, dear...I'm exhausted." Julia stretched enticingly before laying back on the quilt. "I think I might even be able to sleep…"

"And I might let you sleep, eventually…but first…" He kissed her tenderly. "I need some affection…"

Julia gave him a saucy wink. "Really? What did you have in mind?"

"Oh, I don't know…" He bent down and nuzzled her neck, pleased to be rewarded with a giggle. "Maybe I'll just kiss you until I fall asleep…your lovely lips can see me on the way to Dreamland..."

"Kisses? And hugs, too?" She ever so casually unbuttoned the bodice of her dress to expose the upper edge of her embroidered chemise, untying its white velvet ribbon. "Hmm...that sounds lovely…"

"Yes…" He chuckled softly as he cradled her in his arms. "I think so, too. I'm glad I thought of it."

As she lay in her lover's embrace, Julia sighed softly. "William?"

"Hmm?" He smiled as he gazed upon the face he loved so well. "What is it?"

"Do you think there will ever come a time when you can propose and I can say yes? That we can be married like we want to be?"

"Perhaps...although, as the Bard says...The course of True Love never did run smooth…so we may have to be very patient..."

"Patience! Definitely not my strong suit!" Laughing, Julia ran her fingers through his dark hair. "Well, I've certainly had enough of this rough stretch. I'm ready for some smoothness."

"As am I, Julia." Pushing a blonde strand behind her ear, he kissed her tenderly once again. "As am I."

Thanks for reading. If you have time to leave a review, I'd appreciate it. Laura.