CONTENT WARNING: Contains themes of dubious consent. I do not condone these acts in real life.
Most of this came to me in a dream. It's a letter to my first love, someone I haven't seen since I broke their heart almost eight years ago.
Disclaimer: I use the Google translate version of Japanese names for certain body parts. It feels less awkward for me than trying to figure out whether to use euphemisms or medical terms. I have no idea how Japanese declension works, or if Japanese even has declension. No idea if any terms I use are correct. I hope you enjoy the story regardless of this monolingual ass.
When anatomy class ended, I packed my scrolls into my bag and waited until my classmates had left the room. Trying to navigate out of Ba Sing Se University was a nightmare when the last class of the day let out, so usually I stayed put until the buildings and courtyards had cleared. I bended water from my pouch and froze it into a mini ice sculpture on the desk. An anatomical heart, complete with the aorta, four atriums, and four ventricles. I bended water in and out of it, mimicking a real heartbeat.
"What's a healer like you doing in a university like this?" someone asked from the doorway. I jumped, and my ice heart fell to the floor and shattered. I looked up to see a man standing in the doorway of the classroom. Even though he was wrapped in a dark cloak with a hood pulled over his head to hide his scar, I'd recognize Zuko anywhere.
"What's the Fire Lord doing in Ba Sing Se?" I retorted as I bended the pieces of ice back into my pouch. Zuko stepped into the classroom and pulled back his hood.
His hair was longer than I remembered it, and he wore glasses, round as a full moon. Despite the differences in his appearance, nostalgia hit me deep in my chest.
"I'm on a trip to meet with the ambassadors of the throne. Trying to rebuild relations between the kingdoms by hawk message is not as easy as it sounds." He walked to the window and looked out. "I wanted to see Ba Sing Se University. I never got around to it when I was… living here."
"And you just happen to find me?" I asked. Despite the nostalgia, I felt on guard. I couldn't tell where this animosity for him was coming from. We had lost contact after the end of the war, but my defenses were up in a way they hadn't been since he had joined the Gaang at the Western Air Temple.
Zuko chuckled and turned to face me. "No, but I heard some students talking about a master water bender and I put the pieces together."
I melted a little when he looked straight at me. We were seventeen the last time we were in the same room. I didn't remember saying goodbye to him, but I must have. It had been almost eight years since I had broken his heart, and I had thought I'd never see him again. "Zuko, I'm sorry."
Immediately, the slight smile on his face darkened. "Don't worry about it."
I rose from my seat and took a step toward him. "Really, though. I can't tell you how much I've thought about you over the years. I know it's silly. I broke things off with you, not the other way around. I should be over it, but I'm not. I feel terrible about what happened."
"Katara, it's fine. It's all in the past." His face was still, as if it had been carved from stone.
I tried to smile. "I'm happy you're here," I said honestly. "If you're not too busy with Fire Lord business, I could show you around the university part of town."
His shoulders relaxed almost imperceptibly. "That's kind, but I'm afraid I was planning to leave the city tonight."
My heart lurched at the thought of losing him again so soon. Regardless of whatever pain I had caused him, I would always consider him my friend.
"Stay with me," I insisted. "My apartment isn't huge, but I have an extra bed roll if you're okay sleeping on the floor."
"No, I couldn't possibly impose," he said.
It sounded to me like he wanted to spend more time with me. "No imposition," I replied. "It's the least I can do for an old friend."
His smile returned. "I'd like that," he said.
. . . . .
We sat together in one of the stone trains that rumbled above the streets of Ba Sing Se. I had shown him the most impressive university buildings, the street carts that had the best food, the earthbending street performers who defied death for strangers' pennies. We didn't need much time to fall back into the old patterns of friendship we had had before the end of the war. Still, by choice or coincidence, we hadn't touched each other. Even when we had almost lost each other in a crowd outside the fish market, I hadn't made a move to grab his hand, or he mine. Still, I could almost feel the memories of the rise and fall of his chest against my back. Funny how things like that don't disappear, even after almost a decade.
"We get off here," I said as the train slowed. We stood and got off the train just as the sun sank below the city's horizon. I led him down the stone stairs and down the alley toward my apartment. I felt like I was seeing the streets for the first time, and shame hit me. Who was I to bring the Fire Lord down a dark alley littered with trash and rats?
"This is mine," I said quietly as I unlocked the door to my apartment building. I lead him up the rickety wooden stairs and into my small apartment. The paint was peeling off the walls and a bit of mold grew near the baseboards.
"It's nice," he said. I shot him a look, but when I saw his face, he seemed genuine. He was looking around at the polar bear dog pelts on the floor and waterbending scrolls I had hung on the walls.
"Want tea?" I asked as I stepped into the closet that served as my kitchen. I grabbed my spark rocks next to the kettle and tried to light a fire.
"Here, let me." Zuko stepped behind me and snapped his fingers. The tinder caught a spark and burst into a small flame.
"Thanks," I said, painfully aware of how close he stood to me. If I leaned back only a few inches, my back would press into his chest, and his hands would…
"No problem," he said as he stepped back into the main room.
"I didn't want to pay extra for any fancy accommodation," I said quickly. "I'll only be a student at the university for a few years."
"That makes sense," he said as he settled into a seated position on the pelts on the floor.
"I need to be trained as a doctor," I added. "Even though I know what I'm doing. A lot of it is intuitive with waterbending and all. But health officials don't get that. So I have to show I've had medical training." I realized I was rambling and shut my mouth.
"Didn't think any health officials would try to mess with revered war hero Master Katara," Zuko said. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic.
"I keep a low profile," I said. "Usually I just go by Kya, not Katara."
"That was your mom's name, right?"
I couldn't believe he remembered that. At that moment, the kettle whistled, so I was saved for answering. I bended the steaming water into two cups before dropping tea leaves into a small strainer.
"It's been ages since I saw someone make tea," Zuko said. My apartment was so small I could hand him a cup where he sat on the floor from the kitchen.
"I hope you're okay sleeping out here," I said. "The pelts are nice to sleep on. I only have one bedroom, if you can even call it that."
"It's no problem," he replied. I watched him close his eyes as he sipped the steaming tea.
"I'm pretty tired, I think," I said. I took the extra bedroll out of a cabinet and unrolled it for him. "Do you need anything before I turn in?"
"A candle would be great. I usually try to meditate before I go to sleep."
I considered teasing him, asking if he was spending time with Aang. But I bit my tongue. I didn't want to accidentally offend him somehow. Instead, I turned and grabbed a candle from the cabinet and handed it to him.
"Where can I get some spark rocks?" he asked. I started to get them from the kitchen, but I noticed his crooked smile. Laughing, I threw up my hands.
"Good night, Fire Lord."
"Good night, Katara."
. . . . .
I tossed and turned, unable to shut my eyes and let sleep wash over me. Maybe it was the light from the full moon pouring through the window. I always slept worse during the full moon. Ironic, I know.
Maybe it was the flickering candlelight I could see through the crack under the door. Zuko was still meditating. That, or the bastard had left a lit candle burning in my wooden apartment building. I doubted he'd be that careless though. Not the Zuko I knew.
Still, maybe I should check. I didn't know what I'd tell my landlady if she found out the Fire Lord had burnt down the entire building. I quietly threw off my wool blankets, tiptoed to the door, and slowly opened the door, cursing the squeaky hinges. In the main room, Zuko was seated before the flickering candle with his back to me. He had removed his shirt, and I saw the broad shoulders he had grown into since he had become a man. His glasses were on the pelt next to him, and his black, shoulder length hair shone almost blue in the light. As my foot landed, the floorboards creaked. Zuko twisted, and his back muscles rippled.
"Katara?"
"Sorry. Just checking on you."
He stood, and in two steps he had closed the distance between us. His hand lifted my chin up, and he bent to kiss me. He smelled like jasmine and a cedar bonfire. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, but he twisted me and pushed me against the wall. His left hand grabbed my wrist and held it fast above my head. His right hand gripped my waist, forcing me to him even as my free hand tangled in his dark hair to pull him closer to me. He kissed me hard, his mouth insistent as he pinned me to the wall. I kissed him back, as hard as he did. I would give him the illusion of control for now, but I would let him know I could give as good as I could take.
His lips travelled down my neck, alternating between kissing, sucking, and biting me. Oh gods. Memories flooded me, secret kisses in the dark halls of the abandoned summer palace on Ember Island, whispered confessions washed away by the sound of the tide coming in. It was a summer stolen from time, but here he was again. A confident, powerful man. Not the awkward, curious teenager he had been eight years ago. But then again, I had changed too.
His knee pushed between mine, his thigh rubbing against my chitsu. His lips found mine again, and I moaned into him as his leg continued to brush against me. A small voice in the back of my mind whispered, What concubine taught him this, but I silenced it by pulling Zuko's hair and biting his earlobe. He groaned and his grip on my wrist tightened.
Suddenly he stepped back, pulling me with him. He spun us until I wasn't against the wall, and before I could steady myself, his foot swept my ankles and he was lowering me onto my own pelts. He dropped to the floor as well, keeping my hand pinned above my head. I tested his resolve to hold me down. Relying on my own strength and not my bending, even with a kettle half full of water a few feet away, I tried pushing Zuko off me, twisting my hips and attempting to pull my pinned wrist out of his grasp. Instead of letting me go, he tightened his hold on me, planting his knees between my spread legs.
We both knew that, if it came down to it, he would be no match for me with the full moon shining through the window. We both knew I was letting him do this to me. But I can't say that either of us enjoyed it less despite that knowledge.
He continued kissing me, his lips exploring my face, my jaw, my neck, my collarbone. My free hand gripped his bare back, my hips lifted to meet his. When I tried to free my wrist, I heard a low growl in his throat, and I felt my heart skip a beat.
Zuko and I had never been intimate during our summer together on Ember Island. Maybe we were too young, too inexperienced, too preoccupied by the threat of the comet. After the war ended and I struck out on my own path, I had my fair share of men. But none of them had made me feel like this, like a fire had been struck in my core and spread to my cheeks, my breasts, my toes, my chitsu.
Zuko held my right wrist with his left hand, but that meant his right hand was free to untie the knot that held my sleeping robes together. My left hand went back to his long hair, a defensive move that promised him a world of pain if he went too far. He pushed my robes apart with his free hand, and suddenly he was kissing my breasts, alternating between them, sucking my nipples and running his tongue across them. My back arch involuntarily and I gasped with the pleasure of it all. My legs wrapped around him as his free hand stroked my breasts. Despite the intensity of his body on him, his hand was gentle as he caressed me.
I wanted more.
Twisting again, I tried to throw his body off me. He let go of my right wrist, and I thought for a moment the game was over. He lifted his hips off mine, but his strong arms used my twisting momentum to flip me onto my stomach, his knees maneuvering between my legs and one hand planted firmly between my shoulder blades.
Now I was almost completely immobilized. Not powerless, don't make that mistake. I knew I could kill him if I had to. But his lips on the back of my neck and his hips grinding against my o-shiri convinced me I didn't want this to end. Part of me surged with anger, but whether that was anger at Zuko or anger at myself or simply misplaced passion, I couldn't tell you.
He snaked his arm under my hips, pulling me up and back toward him until I was on my hands and knees. His other arm left my back, and I wondered what he was planning. I didn't have to wait long. My robe, already untied in the front, was pulled away from my o-shiri and my underclothes were unceremoniously removed. His hand found my kuritorisu, the hot button above my chitsu. He did not rub it aggressively like some men tried to. His touch was light, his fingers gentle as they stroked my kuritorisu, making me gasp as my breath tried to force its way out of my lungs.
"Zuko," I moaned. "I'll kill you." I didn't know if I was threatening him if he continued or if he stopped.
He didn't reply. I doubt I would have heard him even if he had. Blood was pounding in my ears as he continued to rub circles around and over my kuritorisu. I felt Zuko shift behind me, and his red-hot inkei touched my o-shiri. I would have jumped, but his other arm grabbed my waist again. The circles around my kuritorisu grew smaller and smaller until he was directly stimulating me. It was a knife's edge between pain and pleasure. I felt the blood inside me rising as if to crest like a wave, and his fingers left my kuritorisu and I felt him guide his inkei to the opening of my chitsu. I gripped the pelts beneath my palms as he pushed inside me. Slowly, he pushed and withdrew, back and forth, gently opening me to him. Part of me wanted to whip around, throw him to the ground, take him myself. Why was he suddenly so gentle after forcing me against a wall?
I decided to test Zuko again. His hands were at my waist, holding me steady, but I pushed forward as if I was trying to escape his grasp. Immediately, he slammed fully into me, finally pushing me over the edge as wave after wave of pleasure flooded from my kuritorisu. I bit my lip to hold in a scream as he forced his hips into mine, his hand returning to my shoulder blade to push my shoulders to the ground. His hips pounded against my o-shiri, his heavy kōgan slapping against my kuritorisu. He groaned as he held me down, thrusting in me as if it was all he had thought of in eight years. I kept biting my lip, not wanting him to hear me cry out from pleasure. He slowed, his fingers finding my kuritorisu again. The head of his inkei slipped in and out of my chitsu, dragging back and forth over a spot inside me that seemed an extension of my kuritorisu. Just as my blood climbed its familiar crest and pleasure threatened to crash through me again, he began thrusting hard into me. If before he had seemed forceful but controlled, now he was wild, a man chasing pleasure to the end of the world.
I knew what was coming, but I did not try to stop it.
Instead, I pushed my hips back, meeting Zuko as much as I could. His fingers rubbed my kuritorisu furiously, and even though I tried to hold back, I cried out as I again lost my fight to the waves of pleasure. The contractions inside my chitsu massaged his inkei, and I could hear his racing breaths as he pushed to finish with me.
"Katara!" he gasped. I knew anatomy. I could see in my mind his kōgan rise and contract. I felt the pulses deep inside me as he continued to thrust wildly into me through his own waves of pleasure. "Gods!"
He collapsed on me, his weight pushing me to the floor. Our sweaty skin stuck together, his chest to my back, his legs between mine. His inkei softened inside me as our heartbeats slowed. I expected him to push off me, disappear into the water closet. Instead, he kissed my hair and intertwined his fingers with mine.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he whispered.
"Force yourself on me?" I asked lightly.
He laughed softly and nuzzled his nose against my neck. "I could never force you to do anything." He stroked my cheek gently. I kept thinking any moment he would get up. Instead, I felt something surprising. After only a few minutes, his inkei was growing hard again. I could feel it, still partially inside me.
Slowly, so slowly I could have mistaken it for deep breathing, he began grinding against me. I realized incredulously he was preparing to take me again.
I pretended not to notice. I forced my breathing to slow, as if I was falling asleep, despite his weight on me. After a moment, he pushed away from me and I thought that was the end. Disappointment hit me until his strong hands grabbed my shoulders and rolled me onto my back.
"I know you're not asleep, waterbender. You don't sleep well during the full moon."
Zuko knelt between my legs. I opened my mouth to reply, but he placed his hand on my throat. He didn't squeeze or tighten his grip, but the threat was apparent. My heart began to race again. I raised my hands to push him off, but his other hand grabbed my wrists, pinning them both above my head. My hips rose to meet him as he took his hand off my throat to guide his hard inkei back to my chitsu. Before he pushed inside me, he used his inkei to massage small circles on my sensitive kuritorisu. I shut my eyes tight, focusing on every sensation. His hand gripping my wrists. The polar bear dog pelt underneath me. His inkei rubbing my kuritorisu before pushing back into my chitsu.
He wasn't as gentle this time. He knew what I wanted, and he seemed happy to give it to me.
He thrust hard into me, pounding me over and over as he held me down with both hands now. I pretended to struggle, which only spurned him to thrust harder.
"Zuko!" I cried. He paused for a moment to grab my robes, using the fabric belt to tie my wrists together. He could have tied it much tighter. If I tried, I could break free. But once he was satisfied with my hands tied, he pulled my hips up toward him and resumed his pounding. I knew he was close. I was close.
"I'm coming!" he moaned. I twisted under him as if I was struggling to get him off me. His arms tightened to hold me steady as he finished inside me as the waves of pleasure hit me for a third time. The pulsing of his inkei and his erratic thrusts gave him away. He held himself deep inside me, as if hoping he could hold me to him forever. My breath slowed, and I opened my eyes to see him staring at me.
"You might have impregnated me," I said calmly.
He leaned back, still keeping his half-hard inkei in my chitsu. He placed a hand between my breasts as if I would try to get up, and he wiped the sweat off his forehead. "A student studying anatomy would know what tea to drink or herb to chew to prevent that."
He was right, of course.
"Get off me," I said. He surprised me by obliging, pushing away from me and stretching out on his back on a fur pelt. He was naked, and I finally got a good look at him.
"I'm sure you have plenty of bastard children as it is," I said mildly. I watched carefully for a reaction.
"No," he replied. "Women have tried. They think a baby will secure their future as Fire Lady. I never finish inside them. And I watch them drink the special tea afterward that prevents such a thing."
His answer confused me. "Why me then?"
He turned his head to look at me. His lean body, stretched on my pelts, looked as lithe and as dangerous and as tempting as a lion's.
"Because I wouldn't mind having a baby with you." He looked me up and down as I lay on my back, my knees bent and my feet flat on the ground. I watched as he rolled onto his side and crawled toward me, a spark in his eyes. I opened my legs to receive him a third time that night.
. . . . .
Epilogue
"Dunstan, easy on the waterbending there," I instructed. "You want to feel the energy flow through the patient's body, not force it."
"Yes, Master Katara," the young man said.
"Master Katara, what medicine would you use on a patient who showed nausea and pain in their lower right abdomen?"
I turned to face Krista, one of my brightest students.
"Ask the patient to lie prone on their back. Then what do you do?" I prompted. I always answered a student's question by asking them a question back. They hated it, but they were more likely to remember the answer.
"Palpate the stomach," Kitsang, another of my students, replied. "Could be an appendicitis."
"Exactly. Good job, Kitsang."
She beamed under the praise. I reached back and sat heavily on the chair near the center of the classroom. The group of twenty-some students knelt around demonstration bodies or read through scrolls of medicine. I sat in the only chair like a queen surveying her subjects. Maybe that metaphor is a little too accurate.
Anyway, no more getting up and down the floor in my current condition.
As the sun sank further in the sky, I dismissed my students early. Krista stayed to ask if I needed any help, but I waved her away. I waited in my chair, appreciating the sunset casting rosy glow around the room. Soon enough, a figure appeared in the doorway.
"How are you?" Zuko asked as he stepped toward me.
"We're just fine," I said. He placed a hand on my swollen belly.
"Any day now," he said.
"Any day now," I agreed. He pulled me up from the chair and kissed me. I smiled, thinking of how a year before, I never would have pictured myself a teacher who taught healing to waterbenders and non-benders alike, never would have pictured myself living in the Fire Nation capital, never would have pictured myself Fire Lady. But here we were. And I wouldn't change anything about it.